My buddy and I were never good at picking up girls. We'd tried all the usual stuff. At the bars we never got a second look, if anything we were treated like the nerdy guys they laughed at after they struck out. We weren't creepy, we just weren't strong and charming with chiseled good looks.
We weren't all that bad either. We were both on the thinner side, without being skinny, both just slightly awkward, and both just plain enough to be ignored rather than made fun of. I bet if we'd had any one of those qualities we'd have stood a chance.
So we gave up trying, spending our time with video games instead. Privately I focused on porn too, though I can only assume Martin did as well.
So I was at his house one day looking through a stack of video games, "Do you have anything new?"
"Sorry Dave, we've played 'em all."
"Hey, what's this?" I picked it up. "You've been playing Tomb Raider? What's it like to be a girl?"
"Oh, that's my sister's. She's obsessed with it."
"Have you played it?"
"I've seen Stef play it. She's hot though, Lara Croft, not my sister. You think?"
I think they're both hot. But the jugs on Lara are incredible. Does she wear this combat gear in the game?"
"Yea, I suppose, but the boy shorts and tank top are way better."
"Really?! Let's play."
Dashing upstairs Martin yelled back, "I got nothin' better to do. First one to the top goes first.
"You had a head start!"
A bit later Martin said smugly, "And that's the way you get to the island to recover the treasure."
"I can see you've played it a lot."
"No really. Never!"
"Yea right."
"You think you can do better, pansy?"
"Abso-fuckin-lutely!" I took the controller.
I was playing for a long time while we commented on her tits and ass the whole time.
At one point Martin joked at my expense, as if I were Lara, "You should see if you can take your top off when you're shooting flaming arrows, the close ups of your boobs would be fuckin' fantastic."
I played along, "You wish baby. But seriously, I'd keep these puppies bare all the time. Just can't let the bowstring catch on the nips."
"Huh?"
I started talking in Lara's voice too, "When I pull the bowstring back like this," I thrust my chest out and acted like I was pulling a bow. "the string is right here next to my tit.
"So?"
"So it'll snag my nipple. You gotta imagine them bigger."
"No it wouldn't." Martin said, "Just turn."
"Would too."
"Wait a sec." And he ran off to somewhere else in the house. When he came back he was holding a Lara Croft costume complete with backpack and holsters. "It's Stef's. Show me."
I stripped off my shirt, putting on the backpack and tank top. "You gotta wear the holsters too." He said.
"Why? They won't affect the bow."
"Just wear it all." So I did. When it was time to put on the boy shorts I saw right away they wouldn't fit over my own shorts, or even my underwear. We were both guys so a little exposure meant nothing.
Minutes later, standing there in the skimpy outfit I demonstrated again, "When I pull the string back it gets caught up right here where my knocker is." But in reality I didn't have one.
"This outfit's not right." I complained." Got another one! Like the one she wore when shooting her bow."
"Yea!" He dashed off again. But when he came back he was wearing these tight green pants, green top, and had an actual fuckin' bow.
I don't know why, it just happened, but we spent the next twenty minutes stuffing our tops so we'd have jugs as big as Lara's.
Something's not right." I objected.
Hmmm. Let's check the web?
So we searched for images to see what was wrong.
"For starters, I observed, "she's got dark hair."
"No problem." Martin smiled devilishly.
He came back a few minutes later with a couple Lara wigs.
