"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have, your honor," said the foreman of the jury.
"Proceed," said the judge.
"We, the jury, find the defendant, Harvey Gilfedder, guilty on all counts.
Oh, God! No! Guilty! No! I had spent a fortune to hire the best attorneys and this was the best they could do? Oh, God! No!
"Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?" asked the judge.
Fucking, yes. I had a lot to say. But I couldn't say what I wanted to say in this courtroom with the judge in his fucking formal black robe, and the American flag hanging on the wall next to the ten commandments.
"Get him to postpone the sentencing until next week," I hissed into my lawyer's ear.
My lawyer, Max Morris, looked at me quizzically.
"Get him to postpone the sentencing," I hissed again.
My attorney turned to the judge and relayed my bizarre request. "Your honor, my client requests that you postpone sentencing until next week."
"To what purpose?" asked the judge.
"I have no idea," said my lawyer.
"Very well," said the judge. "I suppose there's no harm in postponing the sentencing. The sentencing will take place next Tuesday morning at 9 a.m." With that he slammed down the gavel and everyone got up to leave the courtroom.
I had just been convicted of Bribery. That was my business. Bribery. If you wanted to get something done, you came to me. I knew all the authorities. All the government officials who could make things happen for a price. I could get things done. I was the world's greatest specialist in Bribery, and now they had caught me and convicted me and were about to sentence me to go to the Big House for a long, long time. Fuck.
Prison is not for me. For many reasons. First of all I really love pussy. I can hardly get by for one night without pussy. I'm addicted to it. And there sure ain't no pussy in the men's penitentiary. And also, I'm a little guy. Not too tall, and pretty slim, and I've never worked out much, so I'm not really good at defending myself, and if some of those strong, tough, hardened criminals attacked me in the shower, I would be really out of luck.
There had to be something I could do to save myself from all that. I had a crazy idea. It probably was stupid, but I would try anything.
When we got back to my cell my lawyer asked me "Why did you want a postponement?"
"I can't go to the men's penitentiary," I said, and now I was starting to cry a little. "I really can't"
"Well, that's where you're going. You've been convicted."
"Listen. Can you tell the judge that I'm not very strong and that I'm afraid of being raped and getting strange sexually transmitted diseases?"
"Everyone is afraid of that. It won't make any difference."
"Listen. I have a heart murmur. You can even get a letter from my doctor. Any stress like that could cause my valves to deteriorate and kill me. So sending me to the men's penitentiary would be like killing me."
"Well, he's not going to set you free," he laughed.
"I know. I know," I said. "But if I could go to a different penitentiary to serve my time, it would really be good."
He was clearly perplexed. "What different penitentiary?" he asked me.
"I was thinking the women's penitentiary," I told him.
He started to guffaw while slapping his knee, like it was a great joke.
"And how would I get the judge to send a man to the women's penitentiary?" He asked me.
"Bribe him" I screamed at him. "Offer him a fucking five hundred thousand dollars in unmarked bills. I can manage that."
"Harvey, you were just convicted of Bribery," he tried to explain to me.
"Just fucking Bribe him," I told my lawyer. "Get me sent to the women's penitentiary."
He gave a deep sigh as he stood up and closed his brief case. "I'll see what I can do," he said. And then he left. I had that $500,000 neatly stacked in piles in one of my safe deposit boxes in town. The one at the Second National Bank. I hated to lose my nest egg, but I could not go to a regular men's prison. I forgot to mention that I'm cute (all the women say so) and I have a great smile, and a dimple on my right cheek. Putting me in there would be like throwing fresh meat to the lions. I shuddered at the analogy.
A couple of days later my lawyer came to me. "The judge is considering your proposal," he told me. "But the warden at the women's penitentiary would need some compensation as well."
"I'm giving him a fucking half million dollars. Can't he split it?"
"Apparently not," said Morris. "Would you willing to pay an extra Bribe to the warden?"
I had another safe deposit box with $250,000 in it, also in unmarked bills. That was at the Third National Bank. Oh, well. Easy come, Easy go.
"Okay," I decided. "We've got a deal."
I gave my attorney my power-of-attorney plus all the details, plus letters to the banks, plus the keys to the boxes, so that he could take care of the illegal transfers.