Every day that week I threw myself into my training. But no matter how hard I worked the nightmares continued to grow. I couldn't see or hear anything in the dreams but now all they were was pain. Constantly punishing, never-ending pain was pierced by moments of agony so intense that it stopped my breath.
Worse, the emotions were consuming me, terror, resignation, and hatred surged inside me. I felt those emotions after my father's death of course but these were so intense, so vividly real they felt more acute than what I experienced awake.
Every night I woke up writhing on my bed, gasping and crying. I longed for my father, for the comfort of his arms and his wings. I tried desperately to remember what he taught me, that the dreams were not real but they were so vivid that I had trouble getting them out of my mind.
It was getting to the point that I couldn't sleep more than an hour at a time. The lack of sleep was beginning to take its toll on my mind and my body.
I couldn't figure out why I had these dreams and why they kept getting worse as I got older, instead of better. I desperately needed a good night's sleep but that wasn't possible. In the end I did what I had to do, I went on with my life and endured.
My best friend in the clan, Alseliol, brought my work from school. I was so close to graduating that I couldn't afford to fall behind. Alseliol was a few years older, but still a fledgling. He hadn't met his mate yet. He stayed to let me borrow his notes from class while I studied and I kept catching him staring at my wings.
"What?" I asked.
"Did... Did that hurt?" he asked, nodding at my wings.
I didn't like to talk about them. I pretended not to notice but I saw the glances and heard the whispers every time I left the house. The fledglings I understood; it was pure curiosity and wonder on their part. I knew how fascinating it was to see someone who had newly got their wings while they still waited. The youths tended to be very welcoming, including me in their training though I had no partner to share it with.
It was the adults that I minded the most. The whispers about my strangeness and the coloring of my wings coupled with the sidelong looks inflamed my already volatile temper.
I'd be glad when my body leveled out and finished changing.
I met his eyes, looking at the innocent look in his eyes with a bit of fear. He had heard the stories everyone was whispering. Alseliol was my closest friend and I owed him so I put down my pencil and told him what I could. I left out the dreams though, I had never told anyone about what actually happened in them. I could see the description of the pain I felt and the sudden sensation of my wings busting from my back scared him a bit.
"I don't know what it is really like when it comes down to it though, Alseliol. My wings didn't come after I found my mate like they normally do. No one knows why this happened." I looked down. I didn't want to remind him that I was a freak but I also didn't like the look of fear I saw in his eyes.
"You know what they say; the high of finding your mate is so overwhelming that you don't even notice. I don't know, maybe it feels good. The youths and the adults won't talk about it; they say it's just too private."
The fear on Alseliol's face turned to sadness. "I'm sorry this happened to you Velaku. Do you think you will have a mate someday?"
"I don't know." I had always sort of secretly hoped not, though it was my duty to the clan to have an heir to take over guardianship of the Carthera clans in our territory. I never wanted to mate with a female of our clan. They were too fragile, too small, too, well... female. Not even Alseliol knew of the crush I had on Natham. I hid it from everyone.
He had been a student at our school for all too short a time. By the energy he exuded, a sleek sinuous predatory sense I had every time I saw him, I could tell he was Carthera.
One day I was trying to pull my overfull backpack out of my locker where it was wedged. I misjudged the last big tug and when it came free with a jerk I fell backward into the strong arms of someone I could not see. I felt a deep shiver in the chest of the person holding me and I tilted my head back, strangely unwilling to pull away like I would normally have done if anyone grabbed hold of me like that.
It was Natham and his face was strangely slack but his eyes burned into mine with intensity. His were a deep dark brown that looked almost black. His pupils were dilated as wide as they would go and his nose quivered as his mouth fell open. He took in a deep breath and exhaled sharply.
"You're a bird!" He looked shocked. I could smell him this close and finally figured out what he was.
"And you're a cat, what of it?" I suddenly realized we were in a crowded hallway and pulled away. For an instant I felt the arms around me tighten before they let me go and Natham took a step back. I turned and looked up at him, his tawny skin and dark eyes were complimented by the brown hair with russet highlights he had pulled into a long braid that fell down his back.
"What is your name? Your clan?" Natham demanded to know, leaning toward me with his big hands flexing as if he wanted to grab me again.
"I don't see why I should tell you that since you are being so rude. I mean, thanks for catching me but what is your problem?" I was acting indignant, trying to cover up how much I liked it when he had his arms around me.
"I..." he paused with a frown, "I'm sorry. I need to know your name, your clan, please."
I relented when he spoke in a quieter, backing away from the demanding tone he had used before. I saw how his hands were twisted and tugging at the hem of his t-shirt and that prompted me to speak before he tore it in his odd anxiety.
"My name is Velaku and I am of the Falcon Clan. My father is Keserem, the leader of all the Carthera in this territory."
"My name is Natham." He didn't offer his clan and I didn't ask. I was too busy inching closer to him to see his downturned eyes. It was my turn to catch my breath when he looked up, the heat in his eyes piercing me. He licked his lips and my breath caught.
"Will you meet me at lunch down by the spruce tree? The little one by the shop building?"
I considered for a moment. If he was into dominance games he would find me no easy prey. I was anything but weak though I had little doubt he would win in the end. Like all of the bird Carthera, I was small and slight, barely coming to the top of his shoulder. He carried within him all the grace and power of whatever cat he was, full of sleek strength and deadly capability.
