Decoding Desires

We sleep in on Sunday. Well, I do. Lee is up before me, I notice it's becoming a trend. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, but I've never really been a morning person, so I don't see it changing anytime soon. My ass is sore as hell, but man, it was so worth it. I know it's gonna hurt for a while, and I know sex is off the table today, but it was totally worth it.

I laze in Lee's bed until I have to pee and can't hold it anymore. I never want this weekend to end, Monday is coming too fast. Lee's at his table when I'm done in the bathroom, a cup of coffee in front of him and a book in his hands. He looks up at me and the whole world brightens a bit more.

"Hey, how're ya now?"

I snort. "A little sore."

His smile fades. "I'm sorry. I got carried away and-"

"It's a good sore, Lee," I correct before he can go down that road. "Amazing sore."

He looks at me skeptically, studying my face for a few seconds before he picks up his coffee and sips it. "You're something else," he finally says, a hint of a smile hidden behind his mug.

"Yeah, well, so are you." So stupid. Can I die now? Why can't I ever say anything cool?

He chuckles. "What'dya wanna do today?"

I bite my lower lip before responding. "I can't take you again today-"

"I wasn't, Cody, I didn't mean ta-"

"I know," I interrupt his interruption. "I know. Just letting you know, like, um. I mean, it was awesome, no regrets. But, I can't, um, I mean. You said, you know. Other stuff."

"We don't have to do anything like that, I just want to spend time with you."

My face burns, I'm so fucking happy. "Oh, I wanna do stuff like that, and spend time with you. Yesterday was..." I cough to hide my embarrassment. "Really great."

I think neither of us know what to say, and there's a weird, awkward silence between us. A moment of this passes and then Lee jumps up and heads towards the counter. "Breakfast?"

"Sure," I reply. "Never gonna turn down breakfast."

Lee chuckles. "Good man. So, I have granola bars, um, I think there's some raisin bran-"

"Ugh," I say, rolling my eyes. "Raisin bran."

He looks at me over his shoulder. "What? I like it. And, what kind of cereal do you eat, then? The kiddo stuff?"

I button my lips tight, the box of Apple Jax in my cupboard mocking me silently. He raises an eyebrow at me, then turns back to his search.

"Bananas, oranges, um, I might have some of the protein drinks, I think I have the chocolate ones..."

"Banana sounds good," I say. He takes one from the hook and hands it to me. It's the perfect ripeness, just the hint of green at the stem. I peel it back and take a bite, and notice Lee watching me, a coy smile on his face. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. I just really like watching you put phallic-shaped things in your mouth."

My cheeks are burning. I look straight at him, then peel back my lips and bite through the banana. He shivers, but that look doesn't leave his eye. I chew and swallow, then roll my eyes playfully at him. "How 'bout now?"

He chuckles. "Even more."

I don't know how to answer that, so I don't. He sits back down at the table and there's now a green mug filled with coffee sitting in front of me. "Thanks."

"I don't know how you take your coffee, did you want cream or sugar?"

"Nah, I'm good."

Lee sips his coffee, and when he puts it down I can see it's been adulterated. "You like black coffee?"

I shrug. "If I have it I'll use Irish cream, they have the little packets at the gas station. If not, black is fine. Seems like you might like cream."

He pulls his cup back towards him. "Yeah, and sugar. I don't know how people drink coffee black, it's so bitter."

"You have a bit of a sweet tooth, don't you?" I ask, leaning closer to him across the table.

He bites his lower lip, staring into his coffee. "It's good when it's a bit sweet."

"Lemme try it, then," I say without thinking. I'm instantly embarrassed, but it's too late to take it back now. He surprises me by sliding his yellow mug across the table. I take it and sip, and he's right, it's really good. I take a full swallow, then slide his mug back to him. I'm trying to play it cool, but my chest is full of sparks from the intimacy I feel from drinking from his cup. "You're right, it's good. Maybe too sweet for me to have more than one cup of it. Can you make mine like yours?"

His pink ears are adorable. He nods, then gets up and pulls half and half from the fridge and pours it into my cup until it's the color of caramel. I didn't notice it before, but there's a jar of honey on the table with the little weird shaped honey dipper thing, whatever it's called. He pulls the dipper out and swirls it in the air, dripping a delicate looking string of honey into my cup. He mixes it all together with his spoon, then sips it, nods, and pushes it towards me.

I take it and sip again, and I'm maybe reassessing my opinion on sweet coffee if he makes it for me. "Thanks, it's good." He smiles, then sips his own again.

I'm letting him spoil me, I realize. I need to keep it on even footing. I don't want him to start thinking I'm needy or selfish, which I am both things, but I want to be better for Lee. For now, though, I drink my coffee and finish off my banana. Neither of us talk, but the awkwardness is gone.

I'm sad it's already Sunday, I want more time with Lee like this, but I have to work tomorrow, and I'm officially out of clean clothes here anyway. I suddenly remember something important. "It's Sunday, you're supposed to be at work!"

He looks up at me and maybe I said it a little too panicky, but I'm freaking out a little about him missing work because of me. "Took a vacation day today."

"What?" I ask. "Why? Do you need me to go?"

He cocks his head, looking mildly confused. "Cause I wanted to spend the whole weekend with you," he explains, as if it were obvious all along.

"Oh." I'm feeling stupid special right now, my whole chest tight with the intensity of the feeling. "Thanks."

"I mean, if you wanted me to go to work, I'm sure they'd still-"

"No!" I bark. "No, I mean, um. Let's, what do you wanna do today?"

"How sore are you?" he asks. "The general area, not your hole."

I gag on my sip of coffee, he constantly catches me off guard. "Um, I guess it's a kinda 'sit down carefully' type of sore."

"Okay. Is there anything I can get you to be more comfortable?"

I roll my eyes. "It's not that bad, Lee. I've had worse. Much worse."

He flinches for a second and I wish I could go back and rephrase how I said it, it obviously made him feel that he went too far. "I don't want to hurt you for real, Cody."

"Lee, sore and hurt are two completely different things. Sore is good. Hurt is bad. I'm sore. We had really amazing sex last night, and I'm sore from how amazing it was. I'm not hurt." I stare at him, meeting his eyes.

He nods, then looks down at his coffee again. "I've only done this kind of stuff a handful of times, so I don't know how to know when it's too far."

"What do you mean, only a few times? You have so much stuff!"

His ears are pink again. "I collect stuff I wanna try, or use, or think looks sexy."

I think back to the flogger with the tag still on it and it clicks into place. "First, I'll tell you if it's too much-"

"Will you?" he demands. "You're not exactly, like, you think the stuff that you and," I can tell he's choking on Jace's name, "your ex did is normal. It's not, Cody. I won't be him, I won't treat you like him. I can't."

"Why are you bringing him up?" I growl, irritated. "Other than the cheating by him, like, sex is just sex, right?"

Lee is upset, I can tell. "He used you, Cody. He used you how he wanted, then tossed you aside over and over again!"

"What has Carrie been telling you?" I growl, my irritation simmering closer to anger. "Why are you talking about me behind my back?"

"I'm not!" he barks. "Tell me, would he have fucked you again this morning after how hard we went last night? If it had been him fucking you?" I can see how dirty Lee feels, talking about sex between me and Jace, it's etched across his face.

"Why does it matter, Lee? What's done is done."

"It matters, Cody. It's not normal, it's not okay, how he treated you. Would he have fucked you again?"

"Probably," I snap.

Lee is so mad, I can see all of the veins in his hand from how hard he's gripping the mug. "He gave you an STI. He cheated on you, then gave you an STI. He didn't even use condoms, when he messed around?"

I'm too upset to be rational right now, my irritation suddenly blooming into anger, not at Lee, but at Jace, but he's not here right now and I have no idea why Lee is bringing this up. "I never let him fuck me without a condom. Sometimes he'd take it off and cum on me, at the end. Sometimes he'd stick it back in, but it was always a little late by the time I'd notice. When he infected me he pulled the condom off and shoved it back in and creamed me. I was pissed because I knew he played around, I was pissed because he took advantage of me, like, all the time. I know that I'm fucked up, Lee, I know that I fucked up, but there's nothing I can do to change it!"

Now we're both angry. I can see Lee fuming, and I can imagine how red my face is. "You're not fucked up," he almost yells. "He's fucked up. He-"

"I am, Lee," I cut in. "I'm trying to be better, back on my meds. I cut him out, and Shauna, too. I'm sober. I don't know what else to change, but I'm still fucked up. I like weird shit, okay? Like, I didn't like it when we fucked until I bled, but I do like a rough fucking. I like it when I'm not in control. I like it when the guy I'm with fucks me whenever he wants just because he wants me, sore or not. It turns me on so much. I'm fucked up. Why do you think I went back to him so much, Lee? I'm fucked up. I know it's not normal."

Lee doesn't say anything, and I'm feeling like a hot piece of garbage that even Pizza Rat wouldn't touch. "Sorry. I should go."

I stand up and he reaches out, too quickly for me to dodge, and grabs my arm. I stop. He doesn't let go, he's hanging on to me like a lifeline. "Please, I didn't mean to start a fight. I'm sorry. Just, please don't leave, not like this."

His hand on my arm is shaking. I don't know what to say, so I just stand there. "I don't want to be like him," Lee eventually whispers. "I don't..." He sighs, his hand squeezing my arm for a second. "It makes me so mad, thinking about you with him. About how he's stalking you. About how he treated you, how little he respected you. I can't, I'm so jealous."

"Jealous? Why?"

"Thinking about you with him burns me up. Thinking about how he treated you, like a thing, thinking about how easy you submit to me, and wondering if it's because of how he used you. Wishing I had met you sooner."

I inhale slowly, then exhale just as slowly. "What's done is done, Lee, I can't change the past. And, for the record, you aren't anything like him. Nothing. Not even a tiny speck of you is like him. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you, because you're so... I dunno. Awesome."

"Even that, it kills me a little that you think that. That you think you aren't good enough! You're more than good enough, Cody. I just... I can't stop comparing myself to him, and it's killing me." His hand tightens on my arm, a subconscious movement, as he wipes tears from the corners of his eyes with his other hand.

Something clicks in my head and then pours from my mouth without filtration. "So, um, I liked the rough stuff with Ja- um, my ex. Even from the start, Lee, and that's why it was so hard for me to leave him, and why I went back so often. I mean, I've really liked both of the sex times with you, and I don't want it rough all the time, but, like, I like, um, stuff. Shit," I say, running my free hand through my hair. I sigh, then continue. "It makes sense to me now, like, I've always liked this stuff, the dominance with sex. I understand now why I get so excited about being tied up or spanked. Why I like it when you punish me. I've always been like this. Whether or not Jace knew, which he didn't, but he gave me some of what I needed without knowing it. I didn't even know it, but I do now.

"I know it now, Lee, because of you. I like it when you tell me what to do. When you punish me. When you deny me, or praise me, or reward me. I want the things we do, I want them a lot. And I know you do, too."

Lee looks at me, his eyes rimmed with unshed tears. "I do," he says, his voice small. "It was easier for me when Jace was just some stranger in the past."

I shrug. "I can't control him, never could. But, he'll get tired of it eventually and go find someone else to bone. He's flashy and good looking, he's never lacking for attention. I blocked his number. I blocked off Shauna, too. I don't have any other connections to either of them."

"But he's stalking you," Lee says. He looks at his hand as if remembering just now that he was holding my arm. He releases me and folds his hands on the table. "Sorry."

"If it gets worse I'll call the cops, get a restraining order, but it's really not something I'm too worried about. Jace isn't that smart, and he gets bored easily."

I can tell he still has reservations about the whole thing. "I'm sorry, Cody. You've become so important to me so quickly that I feel like I can't catch up with you."

I move closer to Lee, pulling his chin up so that he has to look at me. He isn't just hot, he's beautiful, his perfect honey brown eyes, his sharp cheekbones leading to a perfect jawline. As I look at him I see little scars here and there, maybe from the accident when he was a kid, or maybe from other things, I don't know. I wanna know.

"Lee," I whisper, cupping both cheeks in my hands. "I wanna know everything about you. I wanna know you better than anyone else ever could. I'm sorry about my ex, but he's not important. You're what's important to me. You've given me so much already, I don't wanna be greedy." I kiss his lips, a simple kiss. He closes his eyes and breaths in deep, then leans his head into my left hand.

"I want you to be greedy," he says, his eyes still closed. He covers my hands with his, then stands up and pulls them away from his face. "I took today off because I didn't want you to go home yet. I'm greedy, too. Can I kiss you, Cody?"

"Anytime," I breathe out, my heart pounding like mad in my chest. He kisses me and it tastes like his perfect coffee. It's sweet and gentle, like watching a rose bloom. He releases my hands and wraps his arms around my waist.

We kiss gently for a few moments, then he pulls away, but keeps me tightly bound in his arms. "I'm sorry I'm jealous of your ex. I'm trying to let it go, but it's hard."

"Not the only thing that's hard," I note, pressing my body against his. He's wearing loose pajama pants and his masterpiece is poking me playfully.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"Not sorry," I say into his mouth as I kiss him. He jumps when I wrap my hand around it over the fabric and squeeze. "You have no idea how good it makes me feel to know that I gave you this."

He kisses me again, it's harder this time, but still sweet, too. He takes a step, then another and we are backed up against the wall, he's pressing his body against me, grinding his hips in small movements, moving his dick up and down in my grip. "Fuck, Cody," he whispers when we part for breath. He rests his head on the wall, breathing heavy. "All the things I wanna do to you..."

"Like what?" I ask, assisting his hips by gliding my hand in time to his rocking.

"So many things, Cody. Tie you up, spank you with every toy I own, fuck you in every room of this house. Tease you relentlessly until you're begging me for release. Dress you up in leather or latex." He pauses, tenses up for a second, his hips stalling.

"What?"

"I wanna cum inside you," he whispers in my ear. "I wanna fuck you without a condom and cream you, but I want you to want it. I want you to beg me to do it. I don't like that... I wanna claim you like that. I'm sorry."

My own hips jump at the thought. I've never really wanted to be creamed before, the clean up is annoying, but when Lee says it that way, how can I not want that? "No condom?" I ask, because I have no idea what to say and words are just falling out of my head at this point. Also, my little man's stealing a majority of the blood from my brain right now.

"Sorry, sorry," he says, pulling back.

I catch him and bring him back with my arms around his neck. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I went too far again," he says, almost whining. He closes his eyes, resting his forehead on mine. I love the intimacy, the closeness, and honestly, I never thought I'd want something so intimate and sweet like this. I realize it's not that I never wanted it, it's that I've never had someone that I wanted it with before Lee.

"I'll tell you when you go too far, Lee. I've never intentionally had unprotected sex, it wasn't something I could do when, well, you know. But the thought of you taking me bareback, of you losing yourself inside me? I want that a lot. It's, like, um..." I'm suddenly super shy, and glad his eyes are closed. It's hard enough to say, but if he was looking at me as intensely as he does sometimes I think I'd lose the ability to speak altogether.

He kisses my lips, little butterfly kisses that soon fly up to my nose, then to my forehead. "I only want it if you're comfortable. And, not today. No sex today." I whine and he chuckles, though it sounds sad. "I'm not saying we can't do anything, but no penetration today."

"I want you to mark me," I whisper. His dick throbs in my hand, reminding me that I was holding it. I stroke it a few times before I speak again. "When you bit me yesterday before work, was it yesterday? Fuck, it was hot. I've never been more proud of a bruise."

"I was actually freaking out a little about it when we went to your sister's yesterday, I was sure she'd notice it."

I snort. "Lee, I'm constantly covered in bruises from work. I doubt she even noticed it."

He looks shy, pulls back a little, but I pull him close again. "I just don't want anyone to ever think I would abuse you," he eventually says.

I bite my lower lip as a wave of love flows through me. I hope he can feel it wherever our bodies are connected. "If she had noticed she'd totally know it was a love bite and not abusive. But, she didn't notice either way, and I like it. Both when you bit me, and how it looks now."

He moans, then presses me harder against the wall, grinding his whole body against mine. "I don't know what to say," he admits under his breath. "It feels like you're too good to be true."

"Why haven't you done stuff, like the stuff we do, with other guys?" I'm hoping to hear a specific answer, and I know I'm setting myself up, but I need to know.

He steps back and my body is cold. I must whine because he smiles at me, then takes my hand and squeezes. I squeeze back. He leads us back to the table and I give him a pouty face as we sit back down. He picks up his coffee and sips the last of it, then his legs tangle between mine under the table and I love it.

"I guess I never found the right kind of guys before. I dated this one guy, Glen, for about six months, before I had the courage to bring it up to him. He was offended that I wanted to spank him, thought it was degrading, that I was trying to put him in his place or something. We broke up a week later. Another guy let me spank him once, then ghosted me. I guess I just got discouraged after that."

"Aren't there, like websites and clubs that cater to that kind of thing?" I asked.

He nods. "I've been to a club once or twice, but it's super intimidating. All of those people look like they know what they're doing, and I feel super out of place, like I don't belong there because I don't have someone to do it with."