John was gay and he paid the price of living with his secret with loneliness. As if it was yesterday, he remembered all the lovers that he had. He had a lot of lovers and he wondered where some of them were now, Bob, Rick, George, and Tom. If only he knew then what he knew now, he would have latched on to one of them so that he wouldn't be so alone and so sad.
If there were laws for gays and lesbians to marry then, he would have committed to and married any one of them, but there wasn't even talk about marriage and commitments than as there are today. Back then, especially when he was younger and having fun, too young and too immature to think of commitments and marriage, his life was just about sex and not about planning for the future and living with a lifelong partner. Back when he was dating, there wasn't even talk about adopting children. His life was just about having a good time.
"I'm tired of living alone, going places alone, and doing things alone," he said suddenly not even wanting to go food shopping alone.
So alone and lonely, having lived without a partner for more than ten years, he was now ready to find his perfect love. Only, how does he go about doing that? Bars, dating sites, networking, work, and gym, except for one night stands, he's tried all of those places over again with limited success. No one wants to commit.
"I wish I lived someplace more exciting, San Francisco, Provincetown, Miami, Seattle, Vegas, Minneapolis, or any of the dozens of cities across America that have not only become more accepting of gays and lesbians but also that have embraced them and passed laws of equality to protect them," he said when out with his friends. "If I lived anywhere but Alabama, maybe I'd come out and proclaim my homosexuality, but people around here tolerate blacks more than they do gay men and lesbian women and that's not saying much," he said to one of his friends.
His main reason why he didn't openly admit to being gay, non-acceptance of him and his homosexuality was the main reason why he stayed hidden somewhat in the security of his closet.
As if it was a no big secret, impossible to hide, just by the way he walked, talked, groomed himself, and dressed, he figured everyone knew he was gay anyway. Most times, he couldn't hide who he is and sometimes he hated who he was. Yet, unable to be honest, even with himself, living with one foot still in the closet and with his other foot playing the part of a straight man, he firmly believed that his sexual orientation was none of anyone's business. Even though strangers and acquaintances may suspect he's gay, many of his friends and family didn't even know that he's gay.
Careful not to exhibit the feminine traits that many gay men have, especially in front of his homophobic friends, even his coworkers thought he was a straight man. He didn't want his employer to know that he was gay. Not wanting his homosexuality to be a detriment to his career, promotion, and pay raises or as a disadvantage to his private life, he's seen other gay men and lesbian women persecuted in public, pressured to quit their job, and eventually, under another seemingly unrelated reason, fired for their sexual orientation. Based on his efforts to do the job that he was paid to do, he's worked too long and too hard not to be rewarded. Moreover, fodder for office gossip at the water cooler, he didn't want his homosexuality to become a public issue and discussed and whispered about behind his back.
The important people in John's life, his closest of friends, those that he had a sexual relationship with, and those who accepted him for who he was, knew that he was gay. Wishing that was the case with other people in his life, whether some of them knew he was gay or suspected his was gay, no matter, his friends were wonderful about accepting him while including him as a person without labeling him as just a gay man. After he told his Mom he was gay, his mother had a difficult time at first. Being that she was from the generation where homosexuality wasn't discussed, never mind accepted, it was a long time before she accepted him for who he was.
After what seemed like forever of her avoiding the issue and stepping on eggshells whenever they were together or talked on the phone, when he confronted her with his homosexuality, she finally worked through her feelings of disappointment. Then, embracing her son's homosexuality, along with his homosexual friends, she became John's strongest support and most vocal advocate, whenever others, especially any of their relatives, weren't as supportive of him with him being gay, an understatement. Her biggest issue, of course, was that she'd never have grandchildren, but John assured her that if he found the right man, they'd adopt.
Life for the most part was good for John but, as elusive as winning the lottery, true love had evaded him. It was his hope that before he died he'd meet his true love. Even when he had such thoughts of love and blissful happiness the prospect of finding Mr. Right seemed silly to him. With so many divorces and so many couples staying together for the sake of the kids and for the sake of money and financial security, who in reality ever finds their true love anyway? Maybe a few have, but it seemed to be more fodder for romance novels and unrealistic Hollywood movies. Perhaps a bit unrealistic, albeit so romantic, he'd love to have a man who missed him as soon as he walked out the front door to go to work and who couldn't wait for him to return home.
Just as many heterosexual wives do with their husbands, his friends stayed together with partners for monetary, security, and/or for childcare reasons and, as they grew further apart, they never said much about their love and affection for one another. It was obvious by their body posture, by the things they said, and in the way they looked at one another or didn't look at one another that their love had died. Financial security might be good enough for them but, just in the way that Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland sings in her song, Settlin', when it came to love, John didn't want to just settle for financial security. Promising himself not to settle for anything less than the love of his life, in the way that his favorite singer, Freddie Mercury of Queen, wanted it all, he wanted it all too.
Through his teens and early twenties, filled with unlimited testosterone fueled horniness, he was a serial dater, fucker, and sucker, that is, until AIDs took its toll on the gay community and scared him into being more careful. When, even his idol, Freddie Mercury, succumbed to AIDs, John took less lovers and took more care with those that he invited to his bed. A time of too much alcohol, excessive drugs, and too many lovers, John had become famous for his fifteen minute fucks in the XXX cinema and five minute blowjobs in the Greyhound bus station downtown.
