Going in Slowly

Fiction

I was raised in a town that was still pretty conservative in the 60 and 70s when a lot of the country was changing. The folks dragged me to church at every opportunity so we could be told everything was sinful, especially sex. School gave us the basic biology functions without details.

Sex was rarely spoken of by adults around kids and teenagers and homosexuality was never ever spoken of.

But, I seemed to notice both men and women.

In time I learned some about homosexuality. Of course church taught me it was wrong in a very quiet way that made it hard to understand. I think it was more practical hearing guys calling each other fag and queer than what I was learning in Sunday school.

What education I got about homosexuality was not positive which of course made me feel confused and guilty about some of the feelings I was having.

While I was grappling with my thoughts and feelings I ran across a few magazine articles that taught about sexuality and how everyone at one time or another thought about sex with the same gender. I read it in more than one article and that made me feel better. I just assumed my attraction to other men would pass over time.

I did get a few dates and made out with high school honeys and felt some boobs but, never got any of them into bed. Unlike some of my buddies I was very much a virgin on graduation day.

I decided to join the Air Force but, I had a few months between graduation and actual enlistment. The buddies and I were outside of town one day on a dirt road when we had a flat. While they changed the tire I was kicking around in the ditch and saw a cardboard box about three quarters buried in the dirt.

I pulled it open just to see what might be inside though I didn't expect anything. But, score, it was full of porn magazines!

I don't mean the soft core Playboy stuff either. This was the hard stuff. Back when hard core porn was shot with ugly women usually with big boobs. The guys were pretty tickled at my discovery.

We spent the rest of the evening looking at the somewhat worn and dirty magazines and cracking jokes. Then towards the bottom of the box we come across a few gay magazines.

Colored pictures of two and three men sucking each other cocks and fucking. Close up shots of hard cocks pushing into other men's assholes, cum on men's faces. Of course the guys were letting their disgust be very well known; I was fighting a hard on.

The picture that really stood out to me was of two young, handsome nude men in a very deep kiss. One was sporting a huge hard on and the next picture they were still kissing and the second man had his hand wrapped around the other's hard, jutting cock. They were reclined on a sofa and the man with the hard on was leaning against the other. It really struck me how passionate it was to see two men kissing in such a way.

Well, the fag mags were put back in the box and tossed back into the ditch and the straight ones were tossed into my buddie's trunk and I was tossed off at my house. Of course I spent the late night hours thinking of only the male mags and ended up jerking off to the male on male pictures that I had seen.

The next day I drove out alone and found the box and found a private place to go. I got to take my time looking at the pictures. Some of the men seemed to have cocks three times my sizes. I couldn't figure out how they got those big cocks into each other's assholes.

Of course I ended up jerking off to the pictures. But, I seemed to have spent the most time looking at the one picture of the two men having that passionate kiss on the couch with one holding the other's cock.

By the time I was done I knew I had to be with a man just once.

Of course that thought went through my head a thousand times over the next few years and of course I had no idea how I would ever meet a guy. Small town Texas life didn't lend it self to gay meeting places and of course there was no internet and such.

But, it would all have to wait because boot camp was calling me.

Of course boot camp didn't really give one time to think of much of anything. But, it was very difficult to see all those guys in the buff at shower time.

To sound cliché one of the black guys was huge. I guess I can say that because the other black guys were talking about what a big cock he had. And no, I didn't end up with him.

Then I was sent to Washington D.C. for my first assignment. The big city! Totally different than my boondocks West Texas town.

I made friends with a guy that had a car and one night he started driving around and showing the sites of D.C. other than the usual tourists stops.

Back in the day one of those sites was 14th street. I suppose by now it is all cleaned up but back then it was strip joints, porn stores, dive bars, and hookers and if you stood in the right place you could actually see the White House.

We didn't stop but, just looked at the seedy sites. My ride was ten years older than me and had no real interest in seeing strippers even if I did.

He warned me I should never come down to 14th alone and best to stay off it all together due to muggings and dope dealers but, what can you tell a super horny 18 year old virgin?

From there he turned and went over to 15th street. It was not near as busy and even lighter traffic on the sidewalk. Towards one end there were a few bars and lot of guys standing around outside and I made a comment to my friend about so many men standing around together.

My ride said "you want to stay away from this end of town. These are all the queer bars." Of course I was a bit shocked. I don't think there were any gay bars in all the state of Texas back then and gays sure didn't stand around together in the open back then in Texas (well, maybe in Austin) but, I was so dumb I didn't know there was such a thing as gay bars.

Anyway, I think I was also surprised that they all looked so normal. I sat in my dorm room that night thinking of all I had seen that night and wondering what in the hell happened in a gay bar.

I gave it a lot of thought but, never acted on it. I still had a lot of conflicting guilt thinking about men in a sexual way and I couldn't screw up the courage to go to those bars.

This was in the 70s and the military was still kicking people out for being gay and even jailing some. I sure didn't want to get caught in a gay bar by higher ranking people. Even though they would have to explain what they were doing in a gay bar.

In the Summer I was bored with the office and I had some leave time built up and just bought my first car. So, I took a week off to see some the country side. But, I ended up mostly hanging out in D.C. and one afternoon I was down town and some siren call pulled me down 15th street.

I slowed when I got by the gay bars and being the middle of the day there was no one standing around outside; though I had no idea what I might see. But, I knew I wanted to go inside.

I went back to my dorm and at the right time I showered, shaved, and dressed nice but, nothing that would really stand out. I grabbed a ball cap even though it didn't really go with the outfit and headed for 15th street.

It was actually pretty early for bar hopping as I scouted for a parking place. Finding one in a paid lot a couple blocks over I pulled the hat down almost over my ears in an attempt to hide my self in case some coworkers just happened to drive by also; though I knew good and well they were most likely all back at the base.

I went to the bar with the most guys standing around when I drove by in the evenings on nights out with the boys; though there were none out now.

I must of looked like I was going to rob the place the way I kept looking over my shoulder and all around trying to see if anyone I knew might be watching me.

A brief mental picture ran through my head of the military police (MPs) rushing up and arresting me for being a fag. I almost turned around more than once.

Well, I stood looking at the door and finally summoned up the courage and grabbed the door knob and pulled the door open and went inside.

I didn't know what I thought I would see when I got inside; men walking around in jock straps, men in makeup and wearing women's clothes, all the clichés. Instead I basically saw darkness.

Until my eyes adjusted from walking in from the bright Washington D.C. day into a bar that really wasn't that dark. When they did adjust I guess I was more surprised that it looked like a regular straight bar or just a bar.

There were maybe a dozen or so guys in the place at the moment doing what most guys do in a bar, drinking beer, shooting some pool and ignoring me; treating me a lot like women in bars.

They all looked like D.C. types in the mid 70s. Hair longer than it is worn today but, trimmed up, suits and ties or at least office shirt with the tie off now that they were off work.

The bar itself was U shaped and only a few guys were standing or sitting by it and all on one side close to the door. After taking in the whole bar I moved around to the far side of the bar and close to an emergency exit; I still had this picture running through my head of the MPs coming in and dragging me out.

To be honest since I had no idea what I was doing I guess I was looking for safety and maybe give me an exit if I chickened out.

The bar tender came around and seemed a bit irritated that I went so far from all the others and even more so when I ordered a coke instead of a beer or other drink. I didn't want to take the chance of being drunk in case I wanted to leave.

But, the bartender was polite about it and even engaged in a little conversation asking if it was my first time there. I started to lie but, suddenly didn't see why I should and told him yes.

He smiled and said "welcome" you can come anytime but, it won't start happening for another two hours or so and the big nights of course are Friday and Saturday.

He was called over by someone wanting a drink and I watched as more guys were coming in and having no idea on how to approach a guy. I thought of leaving but, decided to move more to the corner of the bar to be closer to the crowd but, still close enough to the back door in case my imaginary MPs come crashing in.

There was getting to be a moderate size crowd and no one was on the large dance floor yet; in fact there wasn't even music playing. Just a bunch of office workers shaking off the day a few leaning on each other.

I did notice one guy in particular talking with two other guys. A fourth man came in and walked up to the guy and they kissed and hugged.

I guess at first I was surprised to see one guy kissing a guy and in public too. Then I remembered where I was and it encouraged me.

After being there for over an hour and on my second coke I was wondering if I made a mistake and if I should leave. No one had approached me and I had no idea how to approach them. Or even what I was suppose to do or say if I did.

The bartender was chatting with a blonde man I was guessing in his mid 20s, blonde, and about the same height as my six feet, and looked to be in good shape. The bar tender gave me a glance and mouthed "you want another coke?" I held up my glass and was still a quarter full and said "not yet."

The bartender looked back at the man and tilted his head towards me and said something to the guy and though I couldn't hear it he was giving off a low laugh. The man gave me a sideways look.

After a few minutes the blonde guy walked over to me and stood on the corner of the bar next to me. He asked if I wanted a drink and I said "I could use a Bud." The guy waved his bottle at the bartender and raised two fingers.

He smiled, stuck out his hand and said "I'm Steve."

"I'm Jim" I replied and gave him a smile I guess I used when I was trying to pick up girls.

We did some of the basic small talk. He worked at the US Patient Office, single, and even lived in D.C. instead of Maryland or Virginia. In fact he had just bought a townhouse in one of the run down parts of D.C. and was fixing it up.

I told him I worked for NASA in the mail department. He smiled and asked me to take off my hat and I did. He laughed and said "bullshit, your hair is to long for the Marines and Army. No one from NASA would wear a baseball cap with the clothes you have on so, that leaves the Navy and the Air Force, which is it?"

I was wondering if he might be an undercover MP but, he seemed too friendly with the bar tender for that.

I laughed and admitted I was in the Air Force and he laughed and said "Your secret is safe with me."

Then he asked me "Is this your first time in a gay bar?" Up to now I had never heard homosexual stuff called gay and he had to explain that to me and he had to explain "coming out of the closet" to me too. He would end up explaining a lot of things to me.

I was honest with him and told him I didn't even know gay bars existed until the last two years and knew nothing about the gay world. He asked if I ever had a boyfriend or dated a guy. He didn't seem to surprised when I said no.

I learned he was a bit like me. Raised in a small Virginia town, church up bringing, etc and figured out he was gay in college. He had a lover for a time and dated some guys. I had a few questions and he answered them but, damn if I can recall them now. He asked me about the Air Force and West Texas and I asked about the Patient Office and Western Virginia.

The place had a pretty good size crowd by now and music was playing. He asked if I wanted to dance just as they started playing a slow song. I wasn't really sure at first as I'm not a dancer to begin with and he finally pulled my elbow and said "Come on out of the closet some more and dance with me."

I was a bit nervous but, he wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck and we just sort of swayed. It occurred to me that all the women I had slowed dance with wrapped their hands on the back of my neck. Was I the woman in this relationship?

The song ended and Steve asked me "was that so bad?" I had to laugh and told him I actually enjoyed it.

They started playing another slow song and Steve pulled me to him and held me a bit closer and tighter. I have to admit that I did find it a bit strange and awkward at first dancing with another guy and among a bunch of other men.

The music changed and went to fast tempo. Steve actually took me by the hand and pulled me towards the bar and I thought "Damn, I am the woman" but, he pulled me towards the emergency door and as we went out he said "it is more comfortable out here."

Turned out there was a patio area bordering the alley. Small group of guys were chatting and in the darker corners guys were making out. Steve and I found a few bench seats and sat back to talk.

As we chatted I kept glancing at two handsome guys making out in a corner, one had moved his hand down to the other's ass and seemed to be enjoying grouping and stroking. The memory of the two nude men in the magazine came back to me.

Steve asked "what is about those two over there that has you so intrigued?"

I told him I had never seen two men kissing and found the site of two men kissing erotic .

Steve said "I assume that since you haven't dated a guy you have probably never kissed one or anything else with a guy?"

Of course I told him "no".

And with that Steve leaned in slowly, I guess to give me a chance to back out if I wanted, and pressed his lips to mine. We held it that way for a minute I guess and he pulled back and said "That make you want to run away?"

"No" and gave him one of those nervous, embarrassed smiles acting I guess like any one getting their first real kiss. He leaned in and again gave me a kiss and moved his right hand behind my head and pulled me in a little tighter. I felt his tongue against my lips.

I opened my mouth and like I had done with some of the women I had been with did me and I sucked his tongue into my mouth. For awhile we went back and forth with us changing places on in whose mouth the tongues were in.

In what seemed forever and an instant at the same time he pulled back and moved to my ear. He went back and forth nibbling and tonguing my ear; something that drives me nuts! He then moved to my neck doing the same to it. All I could really do to him was run my hands up and down his back.

Now all of this was not exactly giving me an erection but, I was getting turned on. I was wondering what our next step might be when I felt his hand traveling up my thigh. He moved it to my inner thigh and massaged it a bit. Now I was getting real turned on.

However, it was more than I was ready for right then. I pulled out of our kiss and let out a big exhale and looked Steve in the eye with a smile.

He smiled back and joked with me a bit, "you seemed to have liked it. Was it all you thought it would be?" I could only laugh and said "Yes, and a bit more but, not really sure how far to take it right now."

"That is OK, if you like we could explore this further back at my home." But, I told him I thought it was a bit much for that night.

Well, I could have kicked my self wondering why I wasn't going home with him but, I just couldn't work up the nerve. We made out for a little while longer and then he said he had to work the next day.

We got up and went back in the bar and before I could say anything the bar tender waved me over and gave me back my ball cap; I had left it on the bar before we went dancing. Steve and I did take the time to order another drink and chatted a bit.

Steve offered me his card and at the same time he asked for my phone number. I took the card and gave him my number and said I would like to see him again. I went to leave but, he gave me a kiss and when we broke the bar tender was looking at us with a smile. I made my goodbye.

As I was half way across the bar I turned to see Steve and bartender sharing a laugh and I figured it was at my expense.

I went down the street a bit and found a place and waited. Within ten minutes Steve came out alone. That made me feel good as nice looking as he was I am sure he could of found someone to take home.

I went home feeling like a giddy school girl meeting her first love. I lay in bed that night with ten thousand thoughts running through my head. Would he call tomorrow? Should I call him and ask for a date? What if he said no? What if he said yes and wanted sex would I go through with it?

The next day was Friday and I was certain I wanted to see him again and about the noon hour I got his card and called his office; he was in and answered his phone. He was happy to hear from me so soon and admitted he had been trying to get up the courage to call me.

I asked him if he wanted to have dinner with me that evening and my heart jumped for joy when he said yes and recommended a restaurant in D.C. at 5:30.

That evening I cleaned up and dressed up and was heading for my car and ran into a few dorm friends and they gave me some shit for having a date. At that time most of the guys were dating women in the Air Force or maybe the daughters of older Air Force guys.

I bragged that I was dating a high ranking civilian employee of a non-military government agency. Which got a lot of smart ass comments and laughs. It was sort of a big deal when one of us go to date a civilian and came with comments of "Does she have a friend."

At the restaurant I was still a bit nervous but not as much as the night before. Steve met me outside in his usual government business attire of suit and tie and I thought he looked very handsome and he complemented me on not wearing blue jeans or a base ball cap.

Of course being back in the 70s, me being in the military, and on a public street we grasped hands instead of hugging or kissing.