Part 1: Going Away with the Guys
"No!" Nicole was adamant. "You're not going, and that's final!"
"But I have to," I said, trying not to sound like a whining teenager—or, worse, an impotent wimp. "We've been doing this every year since we were in college."
"And what happened
last
year?! ..."
She just let that hang in the air and I didn't really have a good response.
"Nicole ... I've already apologized for that. What do you want me to do?"
"In the first place, I want you to really acknowledge how you hurt me and embarrassed me. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to go to your family doctor and tell her that, after eight years of a supposedly happy marriage, one that I'd committed everything to, I had an STD?"
"I'm sure it was awful," I said, trying to sympathize. "And I'm sorry."
"You're sorry about
what
? You're sorry you cheated on me? You're sorry you gave me the clap? You're sorry you got caught? You're sorry that now you won't be able to go off with Kent and Vince again and whore around with sluts you pick up in a cheap bar or with real whores? What are you sorry about, Brian?"
"All of it. ... Really, all of it!"
"Look, I don't have time to hash this out more this morning. We'll talk about it tonight, when we both get back from work. But don't expect a different answer. Why would I agree that you can go off again to sleaze around and bring home an STD?"
"But, I wouldn't. I promise."
"Stop," Nicole said, putting up her hand in the dismissive "talk to the hand" gesture. "I don't have time for this now." And she left, closing the door behind her rather more forcefully than necessary.
All day, I tried to think of some way to get Nicole to agree to my going off for the annual "Guys' Retreat" with Vince and Kent. I didn't really come up with anything, though, and was beginning to reconcile myself to not going this year—either that, or causing major, perhaps fatal, damage to my marriage.
I was delighted, then, when Nicole began the evening conversation saying, that maybe there was a way that she would agree to my going after all. I was less delighted when she laid out her conditions.
"Look, I don't have anything against you spending time with Vince and Kent. I mean, I think they're no better than you, but they're no worse, either. And what they do is not my business. But I won't have you humiliating me again. I won't have you bringing back a disease. I won't have you off whoring with your friends while I'm putting the kids to bed at night."
"I won't," I pleaded. "I promise."
"Your promise isn't good enough. Your marital vows were a promise. Remember? And how did that work out?"
Now it was sounding to me as if I'd been mistaken to think that Nicole was relenting. But she went on.
"If you want to go on your little Guys' Retreat with my permission, you'll have to agree to be locked up."
"What do you mean, 'locked up'?"
"You know very well what I mean." And she was right; I just wasn't quite ready to admit that I understood.
"I mean," she said slowly, as if explaining to a child, "you need to be locked in a male chastity device."
"Awww, come on! That's ridiculous. And it's humiliating."
"
HUMILIATING!
Don't you talk to me about what's humiliating!"
(Okay, I get it: I shouldn't have used the word 'humiliating'.)
"Those are my conditions. That's the deal. Take it or leave it. It's up to you." Nicole crossed her arms in an "and that's the end of that" gesture.
"Oh, and I don't mean one of those plastic devices with a flimsy lock that can be easily hacked or just cut off. I've done a little research. There are male chastity devices that are stainless steel and have very effective locks."
"Oh, this is ridiculous!" I complained.