Alas, the bus turns around the corner and disappears by the trees. It is heading to the Marginal Tietê Freeway, then join the Castelo Branco Freeway to finally reach Campinas City. My heart pounds as I feel our distance increasing. I feel for his necklace and kiss the little cross. Valter was real after all!
After my hot shower, I eat some of the delicacies Auntie gave me. I think of her promise and have hope. Valter's future and happiness is now in her hands.
I press the phone receiver to my ear and speak gently, as if to myself.
"He's real, Edu."
"I bet he is, Ken."
"It hurt so much, to be separated, dear. I feel that part of me is gone with him."
"I just envy you guys."
"Edu, Valter will come back, someday."
"I bet he will, honey." He clears his throat. "So, have you planned a date to see each other again?" He asks. Both of us know there's another coming holiday in twelve days. It's going to be on Friday, which means, we'll have three days off in a row. I smile and bite my lower lip in excitement.
"We haven't spoken about it yet, dear." Actually, Valter didn't invite me to come to his place, which is quite understandable. He lives in a stuffy old dark place. I suppose he's too conscious about his condition. He'd surely die of shame if I saw how he lived, the poor dear. I feel sorry for him, for having to go through so much suffering in life.
"I understand you, honey."
"Valter is a poor man, and he can't afford to come for visits so often. He's still trying to pull out of his poverty, dear." I don't wish to speak about Auntie's promise to help him. A dark thought just crosses my mind. What if, out of his pride, he refuses her help? This is a real possibility.
"Perhaps it was better this way, honey. Now that he is away, you both can think logically about what to do in the future." My dear friend Edu is so rational. What does he understand about matters of the heart?
In bed, I can only think of him, of our good times here, our adventure on the roof of my building, Auntie's church outing, and our stroll in the park. I smile as I think of this strong, corpulent, and rough man holding the rose bouquet. I shed a tear as I think of his scarred body, sad face, and shy smile. I can only feel empathy for his broken and tormented life. To think of it, his Jason costume was befitting of him. It brought to the surface his rage and non-conformity to the injustice done to him. In contrast, his flowers, this necklace, and his love for me show a pure, strong, and noble heart.
God, how I love this man! I hold the small cross, and pray that we'll see each other again. There's just so much I need to tell him. I close my eyes and recite my prayer. Good night, Valter, my dear officer! I think it must be past ten P.M. He must be safely home by now.
On the next day, a busy Monday, I get his message as I return home from work in the evening. I sit and feel a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. I read the first few lines of his e-mail with a throbbing heart and bit my lower lip. Then, I continue reading it.
"It was hard, my love. I felt time was ticking for me. Each minute spent with you was so precious, but also so scarce--each second spent with you was so precious, like drops of refreshing water to a thirsty desert wanderer. As I saw you on that platform at the bus terminal, I wanted to run to you. I wanted to stay and beg on my knees for you to take me the way I was. I didn't want to go back, to my dark existence again. Not after having savored your kisses, felt your delicate body so firmly pressed against mine. I felt each kiss that you blew for me. I blew my kisses and held back my tears. It was the hardest task I've ever done in my life, my love. You moved and touched my heart of stone. You've melted the ice, and make it beat with renewed hope. Now it longs to be near you again. I smiled, while my heart bled, for us both as the distance between us only increased. The moment the bus left the terminal, I closed my eyes and cried like a child. I felt the weight of my years crushing me. The painful vivid memories, the traumas, fears, everything held me tightly, trying to pull me back to their dark domain. Yet, I felt a spark of hope. You gave me that hope, my love. I looked out the window and saw the cold endless metropolis slowly being left behind me. Countless time have I come to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews. But this time, it felt so hard to leave. I closed my eyes and recited a prayer. I prayed that, God allowing, someday, we'd be together again."
I pause and dry a tear.
"Later, the bus reached Campinas Bus Terminal. I got off slowly, for I was the last passenger to get off the bus. Intimately, I was hoping to stay, and make my way back to you again, my love! I got off the bus and waited in a dark corner for the next one, to take me back home. To my surprise, I saw a young mother holding a small child, who was deep in sleep. He must have been two years old. This young mother then spoke to an older lady who was besides her, giving her a hand with her stuff. I overheard that the young mother was actually, coming from a visit to her husband who was in jail. The poor child was born three months after the father had been arrested. I looked away and clenched my fists and teeth. I took a deep breath and boarded the bus, which would take me back to Holambra. I leaned my head against the cold glass and tried to get some sleep. No one spoke in the bus. Half hour later, I rang the bell, and got off on the dark deserted street. I looked at the mother and child for the last time, and bit my lower lip. Oh, God! How I wanted to offer them protection, tell them everything would be all right, that they shouldn't lose faith, that her husband needed them, their presence and love. I also thought of the kid of future they'd have."
Poor dear Valter! How I wish I could give him a big warm hug.
"The bus disappeared from sight, and I was left alone. I could hear my heavy boots stomping on the hard pavement as I walked ten blocks down to my darker deserted street. I could see the blue light by the living room window of a house. Then I heard a few dogs barking, and the rusty noise of my iron gate scrapping the cracked concrete floor. I closed it, and walked along the dark narrow path, feeling the unsteady board under my boots. I suppose my neighbors were already in bed. I reached the back, and took out my key to open the rusty padlock. Even a child could break it and enter my place. But, what is there to be stolen? As expected, my small room was stuffy, dark, and empty. I left the door open, so fresh air would come in. So, you might be wondering how come I'm writing this long text, instead of speaking with you using my Messenger, my love. I'm going to be honest with you, Ken."
I pause and gulp. I wipe my tears and continue reading.
"Today, I had a tough day. As usual, I had to wake up early and go to the Justice Department Bureau in Campinas to report to the authorities again. I had a sandwich on my bus for lunch on my way back. I got off near the garage to start work. I was surprised to see another man working in my place. My boss asked me to follow him to his make-shift office. He handed me an envelope and told me he was sorry. I nodded, and returned home. I didn't have the heart to, start looking for another job in the same day. I just wanted to, punch someone! I just wanted to end this agony somehow! I shed tears of frustration, anger, and despair. I fell on my knees and wept. Forgive me for writing these hard lines, my love, but that's the truth, and I can't hide from you, Ken. I honestly think you should go on with your life, without me."
My hands shake as I try to summon courage to type something for this man. After a couple of minutes staring at the blank screen, I realize I cannot type anything. I cannot, I simply cannot pretend life is going to be all right, when Valter is unemployed, frustrated, and alone. I can't pretend that he'll find another job tomorrow; that he'll save the little money he has; that we'd meet again in about twelve days. My encouraging words will seem like an offense to this man. He told me to, forget him. I feel the necklace and touch the little cross that he gave me. Things will have to get better, for both of us.
Aunt Yoko's funeral and burial take place on the Republic Proclamation Day, on November 15th. Mother comes, and stays at Aunt's big house. A few cousins keep her company. After the burial, she comes to visit me at my place.
"Is this where you live, dear?" She looks around my shoebox apartment with folded arms. "What would your dad say if he saw this place?"
Neither of us feel hungry, and our pasta is left on the plate, getting cold.
"She said you were dating a former convict, dear."
"Yes, mother. His name is Valter," she purses her lips, and tries to smile.
"I don't wish to hear anything more about this man, dear. Your father and I have already decided that we won't accept him into our family, and that's settled, Ken."
"Mom, you don't need to worry about him anymore. I haven't heard from this man in thirteen days. I got an e-mail after the day he left me; on the same day that Auntie met him. Since then, our communication ceased." Her smiles vanishes and she takes my hands.
"Just leave it the way it is, dear! I'm so glad that this man realized how unacceptable this situation is! He's put an end to something that should never have happened. At least he's got common sense."
"Common sense? What do you mean by that, Mom?"
"What kind of future will both of you have? My son dating a former convict! What will others say? Oh, God!"
"Auntie promised to help him get his job back and clear his criminal record, Mom."
