Heaven on Earth

Heaven on Earth: Chapter 3 Cutting

I don’t know how long I stayed up on the roof alone. It could have been a minute, it could have been an hour. In the back of my mind, I knew that Jane and I could never get married. This talk was inevitable, otherwise we were both going to spend the rest of lives wishing for something greater. But Jane said that I stared at Brian. Did I really? I looked at him when I was talking to him, but I did that with everyone. And sure, he was a good-looking guy, but… was I attracted to him? I had slept with women before, and I enjoyed it. Sort of. I was gay? The realization crawled up my back and found its way to my eyes. I was gay.

At some point, Brian and Erica came back to the roof. They were laughing about something, but I couldn’t hear them. I was somewhere else entirely. Only when they got closer did they notice that I was by myself.

Erica bent down and put her arm around my shoulders as Brian handed me a beer. I took it but didn’t open it. “Is everything alright, Evan? Where’s Jane?”

I sniffed back some tears. “Jane and I broke up,” I said quietly. Brian and Erica exchanged a look.

“Oh, hun, come downstairs. Brian and I will make up the extra bed for you.” I slowly lifted myself up and helped Brian gather the blankets. We headed into Erica’s apartment in silence. I couldn’t really say anything. I didn’t really have anything to say. Brian took the blankets from me and went into Erica’s bedroom while I plopped onto the couch. Erica went into the kitchen and gave me a glass of water.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Erica asked.

“I, I don’t know. I guess I’m still in shock.”

“Ya’ll seemed fine at dinner. Did she say why?”

“No, not really. I think I’m going to go to bed.” I stood up to leave. I didn’t think that either of them understood why I was really on the verge of tears. Hell, I didn’t understand it myself.

“No you’re not. There is no way I’m letting you stay alone tonight. Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Brian asked Erica.

“That’s up to Evan.” Erica turned to me.

It didn’t take me long to say, “I’m fine, Brian. You can go home.”

He nodded silently. “Come here,” he said. His arms wrapped around me in a tight hug. His hands moved slowly back and forth across my back as he held me and I sighed and let myself fall against him. I almost exploded and broke down right there, but I held it back.

“Goodnight, you two.”

Erica walked Brian to the door and locked it after he left. She came over to me and led me to the guest bedroom. I helped her turn back the sheets and I crawled into the bed with all of my clothes on. Erica laughed at me.

“Do you usually sleep in all of your clothes? You didn’t even take off your shoes and socks.”

I managed a smile as I kicked them off. “Actually, I sleep naked. I just didn’t want to get into your bed like that.”

“Don’t mind me, sugah, I’ll just enjoy the view.”

Normally I wouldn’t have done this. I was surprisingly modest, but even after knowing her for only a short time, I trusted Erica. I undressed myself and got back under the covers. I rolled over facing away from her and prepared to go to sleep. Erica had other intentions. She walked over to the other side of the bed and sat on the edge. Her hand reached out and started stroking my arm underneath the covers.

“Now, are you going to tell me what’s really bothering you or am I going to have to beat it out of you?”

“There’s nothing else to tell.”

“Bullshit. I grew up with four brothers and sisters, it was impossible to keep a secret. You’re not only upset over Jane. There’s something more.”

I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. As much as I felt myself opening up to her, I couldn’t find the right words. “It was just something she said. I guess it took me by surprise.”

Erica waited in silence. I suppose she expected me to continue, so I did.

“She asked me if we were ever going to get married. We both knew the answer, it was never going to happen. She said she knew there was someone else and that she wasn’t going to hold me back anymore.”

“You like Brian don’t you?”

“Sure, he’s a nice guy. Who wouldn’t?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Erica.” Could I be that transparent?

“Fine.” She took a moment before she started talking again. “It’s not that much of a secret, Evan. You simply have to look for the right signs. It’s in the way you shift yourself upright when he walks into a room, the way you watch him when you think no one else is looking, the way you smile back when he smiles at you. Maybe you haven’t realized it yet, but you like him more than you’re telling me. My guess is that’s what Jane made you aware of tonight.”

The floodgates opened up at this point. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. “No. Yes. I mean, I figured out some of this on my own, but I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t be attracted to a man.”

“Why not? If I can, why can’t you?”

“Because I’m a guy!” It was a futile argument and I knew it. Obviously I could be attracted to a man because it was true, I was.

“Hun, all that means is that I have one extra hole to fit a dick in. It doesn’t have anything to do with who you want.”

I started sobbing into the pillow. “But, but, I’m gay! What am I supposed to do?”

“What do you mean? You’re no different than you were this afternoon or last week.”

“I-I’ve only dated girls. God knows I never really felt anything for them. Brian makes me feel different. How am I supposed to look at him now? What am I supposed to say?”

“The same way and the same things you’ve been saying, hun.” She reached up to stroke my hair. “I know it feels different, but nothing has changed. You’re still the same person, and so is he.”

“But he’s not gay. He doesn’t feel the same way that I do.”

Erica stayed quiet for a few minutes still stroking my hair. I held onto the pillow and cried my heart out into it. These new feelings were getting to be too much for me. I wanted to think I was emotionally mature, I wanted to think that I could handle it, but I simply couldn’t. Mom always said there was no shame in crying, but I think I took this to a different level. She spoke again once I quieted down a little.

“That’s going to be something you have to deal with, sweetie. You can’t change how he feels.”

“I know, but he’s so great and loving and kind and…and when I was drunk and puking everywhere, he took such good care of me. He barely knew me and he did all that. No one’s ever made me feel that special. At least not in that way. You’re being nice enough to keep me here tonight, and you’re a beautiful woman, but it’s not as if I want to wrap my hands around you and kiss you.”

“What can I say? Brian’s a good guy. Anyone would be lucky to have him.”

I thought about that for a moment. “So why haven’t the two of you dated? You both seem to really care about each other.”

“We do. But, it’s just not like that. He’s the closest thing I have to a best friend right now. I think we would end up in a situation like you and Jane. We could never marry each other in good faith.”

I turned all this over in my head. There wasn’t anything left to say. Realizing that I had lied to myself for years wasn’t easy. Erica kept gently rubbing me, and I was so emotionally spent that I must have drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning with my head still buried in the pillow. It took me a moment to realize where I was. I looked around, but Erica had gone. I thought about the things she said last night. She had been right, of course. And it was comforting to know that someone understood me. In a lot of ways, Erica was a lot like Maria, so it felt good to have someone play that role in my life. Not that Erica could ever take the place of my sister, but I was having a hard time adjusting to Maria living in California especially during times like this when I needed her the most.

The smell of coffee lured me out of bed. I put on my discarded clothes from last night and headed into the kitchen. Erica was at the table reading the paper and drinking coffee.

“How’re you feeling?” she asked.

I took a seat across from her and rubbed my tired eyes. “I’m better, I suppose. There’s not really anything I can do other than take this one day at a time.”

She smiled over her cup as she took a sip. “That always seems to work for me.”

“Thanks for letting me stay here last night.”

“Don’t mention it. You were hurt and obviously needed someone to talk to.”

“Yea, I did, even if I didn’t want to admit it. I guess I have a problem admitting things, huh?”

“There’s no sense in beating yourself up, hun. It’s new. New can be scary.”

Who was I to disagree with that? It was time for a subject change though. “Did your roommate not come home last night? I thought I remembered you mentioning something about her the other day.”

“Oh, no. She doesn’t live here anymore. I must not have made that clear. Ali got married about six months ago, so I’ve been working overtime at the office and on my painting to cover her half of the rent.”

It didn’t seem fair that Erica worked so hard to keep her apartment while I didn’t have to do anything for mine. I felt really lucky that Uncle James was so giving, but I began to ask myself was there anything that I could do for my friends and family.

The phone rang and Erica got up to answer it.

“Hello?” She turned and looked over at me as she talked. “Yea, Bri, he’s still here, he’s fine. Um, no, we haven’t eaten breakfast. Hold on, let me ask him.” She lowered the receiver and covered it with her hand. “Evan, do you want to get some food at a café?”

I mouthed the word “no” and waved my arms wildly. Erica got the hint and brought the phone to her mouth again. “Evan can’t go. He’s got work, but I’ll meet you downstairs in thirty minutes or so? Great. Bye.”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

She came back over to the table and sat down. “You can’t avoid him forever, you know.”

“I know. I don’t think I can see him right now. I’m not ready to handle myself around him.”

“Aw, you’re being a drama queen already. Your first step in being gay.”

I flipped her off and got up to leave. She kissed my cheek before I left and headed off to the bathroom. “Have fun,” I called back to her as I left.

* **

It wasn’t until the following Tuesday evening that I heard from Brian again. I guess Erica told him that he should keep his distance for a little while or that I needed time to think alone. I was running on the treadmill and was about to start on my 4th mile when the phone rang. I walked into the kitchen and picked it up.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Evan, it’s Brian. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I said pouring a glass of water. “What’s up?”

“Well, I was getting lonely and tired of writing my thesis, and I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight?”

“Um, sure.” Damn, I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough. “What did you have in mind?”

“I wanted to go see Charlie’s Angels 2 and maybe grab a bite to eat before or after the movie. Everyone else I know has already seen it and I don’t really want to go alone.”

“That sounds great. I just stepped off of the treadmill, so I need to shower and change clothes. What time does the movie start?”

“Eight o’clock.”

“Ok, give me twenty minutes and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

I took an extra hot shower. Something about the water flowing over me and steaming made me feel much better. My mind would drift and get lost in showers like those. Once I dried off, I put on a pair of loose jeans and a t-shirt. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and splashed on a some cologne. I may have been nervous about seeing Brian, but there was no way I was gonna stink and be nervous!

Brian was a little more formally dressed than I was. His maroon, long sleeve shirt and khakis looked great, but I told myself that he was a little older than I was so he didn’t look quite as casual, even though he usually wore the same kind of clothes that I did. I told myself that I could keep my cool. He didn’t even know how I felt about him, so he wouldn’t think that anything was up as long as I was under control. I took one look into those sparkling blue eyes and I was no better than a school girl with a crush. I felt so stupid, but so giddy at the same time. It was great.

The movie wasn’t too great. Allow me to rephrase that: it was terrible. It took all of fifteen minutes for Brian and I to start laughing at the script, and it wasn’t because it was funny. We kept leaning over and whispering silly things or cracking jokes about the plot. A few times he whispered almost directly into my ear and sent chills up and down my spine, and a couple of times, I leaned in closer than was necessary so that I could smell his shampoo and cologne on his neck. I won’t lie, I hadn’t ever been so turned on by the way someone smelled as I was in those moments.

Dinner was much better. We stopped at an Italian restaurant and stayed there for a really long time talking and laughing the night away. There were times when Brian smiled at me and I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a hard on right there at the table. Thankfully my jeans and my napkin kept me from embarrassing myself. I ate the lasagna while Brian slurped up some spaghetti and got tomato sauce all over his mouth. The man was too cute for words.

As we walked back to the apartment, I spied an art supply store. It made me think about Erica and all that she had done for me in the brief time that I had known her. She had really been a great friend. I wanted to get her something, but by this point, it was too late and the shop was closed. Brian joked about how buying her presents would only spoil her more. I playfully punched his arm, and he poked out his lip pretending to be hurt.

We also passed by Robert and Steve. They were coming out of a bar, laughing and stumbling their way onto the street. We stopped and chatted for awhile, and they asked us if we wanted to join them for another drink. I made up some excuse about being tired and we kept going.

It was almost 11:30 when we got back to the apartment. The two of us said goodnight to Dave, the security guard, and walked into the elevator.

“Do you want to go back to my room for a few minutes?” Brian asked.

“Sure. I have a day off from work tomorrow anyway,” I replied. Spending the evening with him had really relieved a lot of my tension around him.

I had never been to Brian’s apartment. It was smaller than my loft, but it had more room than Erica’s place. The layout was similar to hers, two bedrooms, one bathroom, but the area set aside for the kitchen and living room was much bigger than hers. Brian didn’t have as much furniture though, so there was only one couch in the living room.

“Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Do you have any beer? That would be great.”

“Coming right up.”

He handed me my beer and set his own glass of water on the table. “Oh, wait, I have the clothes I borrowed from you in my bedroom. I’ll go get them before I forget to give them back again.”

Brian disappeared into his room. While he was gone, I stood up and looked around his apartment. The two bookshelves in the room were filled with all sorts of volumes of world literature. Many of them were in a language I didn’t recognize. I picked out one book called Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison. I had read the book in college, but I couldn’t remember the details of the plot. I never got much of a chance to think about it because Brian came back with my clothes. He had removed his shirt and put on a wifebeater instead.

“Sorry, about the heat. My air conditioner has been acting strangely for a few days, and they still haven’t sent anyone up to check it out. So in the meantime, it’s burning up in here.”

“It’s not a problem,” I said. He removed his shoes and socks and sat down on the couch with his back against one armrest. I decided to do the same after I put the book back on the shelf.

“Which book was that?” Brian asked.

“Song of Solomon.”

“Oh, that’s one of my favorites. Toni Morrison is incredible. I loved the way she used the development of singing and flying to help Milkman find his identity.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “You really are an English major, aren’t you?”

He gave me that smile again as he took a drink of his water. “It’s my life.”

“It is funny that you mention singing though. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Whenever I feel down, I start humming to myself.”

“Is it any song in particular or some random song?” Brian asked.

“No, it’s something that I make up as I go along. I can’t really explain it, but I add to it each time I start humming again.”

“Sounds like you’re on an identity search of your own.”

“That’s one way of putting it.” I decided that now was as good of a time as any to tell him. I had told Erica that I was gay, so I felt the need to tell Brian as well.

Before I could say anything, he continued with a story of his own. “My grandfather was doing that when he died. He had developed cancer when I was a freshman in high school. At first the doctors thought that it was easily treatable, but soon it grew beyond their ability to fix.” I could tell that Brian was doing his best not to cry. “A couple of months later, he and my grandmother were in a car crash with a drunk driver. She died and he bumped his head so hard that he ended up with amnesia. The last few months of his life were spent trying to figure out who he was while suffering through immense pain from the cancer. By the end, he remembered my mother, my father, and myself, but he couldn’t remember what had happened to my grandmother. Sometimes I told myself that he really knew, he just didn’t want to accept it.” Brian’s shoulders were shaking by now. “He did remember to give me this though,” he showed me the chain around his neck, “it’s the last thing I have of his.”

I moved closer to him and sat on the middle cushion. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. I couldn’t tell to what degree he meant to, but he leaned into my touch and before I knew it, I was holding him against my side.

I didn’t really know why he told me that story, but I knew that he must have felt vulnerable in that position. I decided to follow up with a story of my own. I pulled Brian up so that I could see into his face. I took his hand and brought it up to my right cheek.

“See this?” I asked running his hand over the four inch line scar on my cheek. “My father gave this to me when he left. He and my mom had gotten into another one of their fights, and this one ended with her screaming at him at the top of her lungs and demanding that he get out of our house for good. He never said another word to her as he went to their bedroom and stuffed some clothes into a suitcase. As he stomped out of the house, I dove for one of his legs and held on, begging him not to leave me. That was a mistake. He put down his suitcase, picked me off of his leg and pinned me to the ground with his knee. He took his old Swiss Army knife out of his pocket and held it to my cheek. He said, ‘Don’t you ever try to find me,’ as he cut this line into me. Once he was done, he grabbed his suitcase and never looked back at me crying and sobbing.”

Some people say that misery loves company. Brian and I proved that theory that night. We went back and forth sharing our sob stories. He told me about his little sister dying at age 4 playing with him in the street when he was 9, how he had sat and watch his father break down and cry when he lost his job, and how his mother told him he was stupid for thinking he could be President at age 15. I told him about watching my mother abuse my stepdad who was too kind to strike back at her and the smell of burning flesh that covered our neighborhood when our neighbors’ house burned down with all seven of them still inside. Both of us were a wreck, but by the end, I think we both felt a genuine connection between the two of us. Brian started talking about how he used to get beaten up before he had his growth spurt in high school. By this point we were back on opposite ends of the couch with our legs stretched out and intertwining in the middle.