Help Me Roll My Character

I am flicking through my three Advanced Dungeon & Dragons manuals and cross-referencing my player and monster stats. I have my transistor radio tuned to ABC Classical and I am rocking it out to some popular music from 200 years ago when there is a knock at my door. It's Steve, one of the players in my role-playing game campaign.

'Hey Steve,' I say, 'come in.'

'Hi Kev,' he follows me in, 'I wanted to talk to you about my character?'

'Sure, did you want a drink?' I ask, 'Gin & Tonic?' I knew it was his favourite and after we all turned eighteen, my parents unlocked the liquor cabinet and just left it that way. I just need to replace what I use.

'No, thank you. About my character? I want my character in the game...'

He stopped talking, so I turn around. His ash-blond hair falls across one eye as he looks up at me.

'Yes?' I ask.

'I want him to be gay.'

I sit Steve down on the couch in the backroom, next to where we play.

I wish I could say that Steve was one of my close friends, but I can't. He is so closed-in that I can't be sure that even his own family knows him. One thing I can't hide, at least from myself, is my attraction to him. He is the most feminine boy I have ever met. That is not a good thing when you live in rural Australia, especially with all the new Grim Reaper TV ads raising awareness about this new disease called AIDS. It makes him a target for some of the rougher idiots we are forced to live with.

I, however, have a lot of time for Steve.

'So,' I say, 'You want your in-game character, to come out as gay?'

'Please.'

'Does this have anything to do with Tammy?'

Steve won't answer and won't look at me. Tammy is one of our other players. We are all friends, but she can be... bossy... when she sees something she wants. Currently, she wants Steve.

'Steve, you don't have to pretend to be gay to get her off your back.'

Steve flinches, shakes his head, and I make a realisation.

'It's not pretending, is it?'

Steve hangs his head and then looks up at me with tears rimming his eyes. He doesn't need to say a word and I feel an almost overpowering urge to hug him.

He bites his bottom lip, 'You can't tell anyone!'

'Steve, if you do this? You are outing yourself, via your character. All our friends will know, one of them is bound to slip up, even if they don't mean to. Are you sure you want to do this?'

'I am gay! I no longer care who knows that! I mean I do care! In this town? No! What I mean is that no one can know about... about us.'

And there it is. Flickering around us. A potential for... something...

I love girls, I tell myself, and in my head, I rattle off the name of the girls I had been infatuated with during my high school years, none of whom loved me back, by the way. Do I 'love' Steve? I don't know. I am attracted to him, but is it love? Can I even really love a man? It's not something I had considered.

Steve stands, 'I should go.'

I realise that if I let him go now, I will never have this opportunity with him again.

As he stands, I reach out and take his hand in mine. I pull him back to me and I kiss him. I really hope I am right about this.

At first, Steve tries to pull away, but once he feels my tongue against his lips he sighs and melts into it. I feel him relax into me, his chest touching mine. Our tongues sliding gently over each other. I can feel his cock start to harden against mine even though our pants.

Steve breaks the kiss, 'So I wasn't imagining it?'

'No,' I bite my lip because I don't know how he will take what I say next, 'I am attracted to you and I do want this to happen, whatever "this" is, but I don't think I am gay, not really. I mean, I am attracted to you, and I really mean that, but I am attracted to girls too.'

'I know,' he says, 'I just wanted you to look at me the way you look at Vikki.'

'Oh jeez,' I say, 'don't remind me.'

We both look at each other awkwardly.

'So,' Steve asks, 'What exactly is "this"?'

'I don't know,' I answer honestly, 'but I know I want to be... more than friends. I want us to be intimate.' I cannot believe that I am admitting this. Steve pulls me close, and we kiss again. It starts tender and loving but grows to something more primal and urgent. I caress his back. Steve slides his hands into the waistband of my jeans and strokes my buttocks.

I break the kiss this time, 'Let's go to my room.'

The 1980s were a difficult time to be a teenager. Thanks to the AIDS TV commercials we all thought that if we had sex our genitals would rot, drop off and that was just straight sex - if it was gay sex and then we would die. Viruses back then were not so much scientific, they were magic, and they punished the wicked, and deep down we knew we were all wicked. It's amazing that anyone managed to get laid at all.

Thankfully my parents were remarkably cosmopolitan for such a small town. They were both originally from Melbourne and had spent time in the USA during the '60s. "Hippies" in other words. I have no religious baggage and also I have a set of gay 'uncles' with whom I love to spend time with.

Mum and dad gave me 'the talk' well ahead of time, including, and I only realise now how odd it was, detailed instructions on how to pleasure women. Thanks, dad, most kids don't get that, which is a shame. They even allowed one of my uncles to give me 'the other talk' about what it's like to be gay, just in case. Unfortunately, given what was about to happen, that talk didn't come with 'how to pleasure men' instructions. Steve and I would just have to figure that out ourselves.

I hope this explains how a small-town kid, living in the repressed and fear-filled 1980s, could be so comfortable in his own sexuality that he would make love to his male friend. If I am attracted to someone, I really don't care what they have in their pants, I just want to be with them.

I lead Steve into the bedroom, close the curtains and shut the door. No one is due home any time soon, and this is as private as I can manage. I don't think my parents would mind, but I would rather tell them about it, than have them discover it on their own. I turn back to Steve, and he is trembling slightly.

'I have never been with a boy before,' I tell him.

'I... I have never been with anyone before,' he admits.

I reach for his brown Atari-brand T-Shirt and lift it over his head. I drop it to the floor.

'Then we go slow, and we can stop any time you like, OK?' I say.

Steve nods, his eyes glistening, and tears well along the lower lids of his eyes. I lean into him and kiss his neck near the collarbone. I move up his neck with gentle butterfly kisses until I am kissing him just behind the ear. I know this works for girls, but I have no idea if this is going to work on Steve.

Steve's nervous tremors become shivers. He starts tugging at my T-shirt, he pulls it loose from my pants and then pushes me away to allow him to remove it. He then grabs my belt and pulls me to him our chests meet, naked skin on naked skin. He places his mouth on mine and all shyness is gone. His tongue is in my mouth exploring me as I explore him. Down below I feel him wrenching at my belt. It comes loose. Through our kiss, I can feel his lips become a smile. He pulls back, darts in for a bird-like peck on the lips and then kisses my neck. He drops lower, hand on the sides of my jeans, pulling them down. He kisses my chest, my left nipple, and my stomach.

Steve drops to his knees, his face on a level with my hardened cock. It is straining at my underwear. Steve releases it. It springs out and brushes him across the forehead. He looks up at me and smiles a girlish smile.

'You have no idea how much I have wanted to do this,' he grabs the base of my cock and licks up the shaft. He reaches the head and then engulfs it with his mouth. With each bob of his head, it goes deeper. I am in danger of cumming in his mouth. It goes deeper than I ever imagined it could. No girl has ever deep throated me this well before, and it feels fantastic.

'I am going to cum,' I warn him.

He slides my cock out of his mouth and looks at me with liquid-blue eyes.

'Do it then,' he says and takes my cock back into his mouth sliding it in even further than last time. Knowing that I am close, he also picks up the pace. It's too much. I feel my orgasm building with explosive inevitability.

'Oh fuck,' I yell, and I orgasm with Steve's mouth around my cock. I feel his delight as the reality of my cum floods his mouth. I pull my cock out and he looks up at me. At first, I am scared, but then... I have never seen him happier.

'Kiss me quick,' I tell him.

He rises with his mouth still full of my cum and kisses me open-mouthed. My cum floods into my mouth and we share it back and forth. Steve makes a point of sucking most of it out of my mouth and swallowing. I swallow the little that is left in my mouth.

'Your turn,' I tell him.

I make Steve sit on the bed as I strip. I step out of the jeans and my underwear puddles at my feet. I kick off my shoes and get him to remove my socks. Completely naked I start to remove Steve's remaining clothes. After I remove his shoes and socks, I kiss the soles of his feet, making him give off a girlish giggle. I unfasten his jeans and pull his underwear down with his jeans.

His hard cock springs out and it's as gorgeous as he is. My cock, I feel, is an ugly lump. Thick and average in length, it tends to glow cherry-red or even a dark-meaty purple colour when erect. Steve's cock is like a delicate glass spire. Thin and tapered at the end. It almost glows in it whiteness, there is the barest blush of pink on the head. It looks like it should taste of strawberries and cream.

I resist the temptation to taste it right now. I want us both naked, every possible inch of skin touching. I drag off the rest of his clothes. Steve is now naked on my bed and so am I. I push his legs apart and he looks nervous again. I take hold of his cock and lick it the way he did mine. From the base to the head. I cradle his balls in my hand. He has almost no pubic hair, and what there is, is ash-blond to the point of being invisible.

I take both his balls into my mouth and suck on them while stroking his cock. Steve moans loudly with pleasure. I am pleased but worried. I know what I have to do next, and there is no way I will be able to do what Steve just did for me. I am worried I will disappoint him.

Timidly I take his cock into my mouth. It's not strawberries and cream. It's hot and sweaty, and there is an unmistakable masculine whiff. But still, I feel myself responding to it, my own cock hardening. I lick his cock, and his testicles, but I know I am failing him.

It's not that his cock goes down, but it's clear we have hit a boundary and he isn't going to reach orgasm. I have no choice except to keep going. Steve stops me.

'Come up here and kiss me,' he says.

I crawl up the bed and we kiss.

'I don't get off like...' he says, but then pauses. 'I gave myself an enema this morning, just in case...' Steve's soft cheeks blush. He turns his back to me, and my cock falls naturally into the valley of his butt. I want to fuck him so badly that I almost push in right then.

I know that lubrication matters but we have none. Later I would learn of water-based lube and also amil nitrate, but on that day, in my bedroom in the 1980s, all we had were bodily fluids.

I know that if I want to enter him, and I do, he will need to be wet. I could think of only one way to do it, and while I would not normally agree to do this with anyone, he did say he was clean.

I kiss his shoulder, then the small of his back. Steve purrs like a kitten (oh God could he be more cute?) I reach his butt and I pause - do I really want to do this? Steve makes a small noise, a happy noise. It's so rare for him to be happy that I know I cannot stop now. I kiss the top where his butt cheeks join and then I shuffle down and open them.

I see Steve's hole for the first time. A perfect pink pucker in a sea of whiter than white flesh. Strawberries and cream. Again. Unable, and unwilling, to stop myself I lick from the base of his balls to the top of his crack. Then I do it again but pause at his anus. I lick around it. Then I start to tease it with my tongue. I poke it gently in the centre and drag away opening it slightly. As it opens I go back and lick the centre.

I decide to explore further. Gently I push my tongue in. I feel the first group of muscles part willingly. Steve moans with pleasure as my tongue slips through. The I meet the true sphincter. It's tight. I lick it. I swirl my tongue around and push against the barrier. Slowly it opens to me, millimetre by millimetre my tongue slides into his arse.

Steve is panting heavily and calling my name. I drive a pointed tongue in as far as it will go. Steve makes a squee sound and laughs.

'Do it now?' he looks over his shoulder at me, 'I want you in me.'

I slide up his body to kiss him. This brings my penis right up to his anus. Still slick with my spit I rub my head back and forth and around his hole. I cannot help myself and reach around to his cock. It is definitely hard now.

Gently I push my head into him. I meet the same initial resistance my tongue did, but just as before I am able to slide past it. I feel him relaxing around me. I am not an invader. I am the boy he loves.

I hit the true sphincter, but it slides open.

I am in him.

I feel his cock really harden in my hand as I fuck his arse.

I slide all the way in, and he grips me there. His sphincter closes hard on my cock. But he isn't trying to push me out. He wants to keep me there.

'Fuck me, please?'

I start to thrust. I slide inwards and then back. I have Steve's cock in my hand and can feel him respond to my movements. I build some pace and feel him getting harder.

He is gasping, 'Fuck yes!'

I can barely get out a guttural 'Fuck!'

We are both thrusting as hard as we can. Our bodies are now slick with sweat. I can feel every naked inch of me sliding against every naked inch of him, inside and out. I feel my orgasm building.

'I am gonna cum. Need to pull out,' I say.

'Cum inside me' he tells me.

'What?'

'Please!'

I need no more than that. I cum with my cock still inside him. I feel Steve clench down on my cock, trapping me, not willing to let me waste a drop.

I lay with my limp cock still inside Steve, and think - So that is gay sex? Pretty damn awesome! As I rouse from our shared drowsiness, I realise that someone is home. I can hear them in the kitchen.

'Steve,' I whisper, 'Are you awake?'

'Hmm? No,' he whispers back, 'I am in a perfect dream.' That makes me smile even knowing that the danger of discovery is imminent.

'Someone is home. We have to get dressed!'

'Spoilsport,' he says, but he pulls away, I slide my now flaccid dick out of him, and he gets off the bed. He has such a lithe figure. His ash-blond hair and white skin glow golden in the thin strips of sunset light that make it through the Venetian blinds.

Before he slips his clothes on, he stands before me naked and asks, 'Is this it?'

I don't understand the question and tilt my head. Steve offers me a worried smile.

'I am asking if this was all we will ever have. Are we... are we over?'

I climb, no, almost leap, out of the bed and stand naked before him. I shake my head and then embrace him. 'No,' I say, 'Not even close to over.'

I kiss his neck and up to her ear and he turns his face to me, and we kiss, tongues sliding against each other again.

'Stay the night,' I tell him.

'I can't,' he pushes away from me, 'your parents...'

'Would be totally fine with this.'

'Us? Being naked? Doing... what we did?'

'Well, honestly? Yeah,' I say, and pull him close to me again, and we kiss.

Naked I walk to the door and open it a crack. My mum is in the kitchen.

'Mum, Steve is here. He is staying for dinner.' Mum looks at me and squints.

'Are you naked?' she asks.

Well, I think, here is where I test it.

'Yes. So is Steve.'

She doesn't miss a beat, 'Would he like to stay the night?'

I love my mum. I duck my head in to look at Steve and he is, impossibly, even whiter than before. I give him a look that asks - well would you like to? All he does is shrug in a scared rabbit kind of way.

'Yes,' I tell her.

'Do I need to get the air mattress? Pyjamas maybe?'

'I shouldn't think so, he'll be sleeping with me.'

Mum gives me a slow nod and a slight smile. I close the door and let loose the breath I didn't realise I had been holding. I take Steve's hand and we sit on the bed, both of us still naked. He turns to me and asks, 'What just happened?'

'Well, pretty soon my entire family is going to think that you are my boyfriend,' I bite my lip. Two hours ago, my biggest worry was writing an RPG module, now... 'There is one thing I want to ask though, before this goes any further, will you be my boyfriend?'

Steve smiles at me and touches my face, 'But don't you like girls too?'

I kiss him and touch the soft delicate skin of his throat and chest, 'Are you sure that you are not just a little bit girl too?' and I smile at him. He smiles back and kisses me.

'Oh, I am, I very much am.'

We miss dinner.

And school the following day.