Honorable Intentions

Before I met Shane, I didn't know that there were nuances of the concept "out". I mean, I thought there were only two options - either you're out, or you're not. Shane, however, wasn't just out, he was out there. In a town like San Francisco, people don't raise an eyebrow if two guys walk down the street holding hands, but even here, Shane managed to attract attention to himself. When I first met him, I was carrying a tray with my lunch on it through a crowded diner's outdoor seatings, desperately trying to find a place to sit down. All of a sudden, a handsome blond guy kicked out a chair right in front of me.

"Hi there, gorgeous!" he said. "You can sit with me, if you want?"

"Thanks," I said, and sat down at his table.

By the time I had finished my lunch, we had talked and flirted and told each other our lives' stories. He was cute and charming, and when he asked if he could see me again, I gave him my phone number. I hadn't even made it back to my office before he called me and asked if I'd like to go out on a date with him.

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It's not that I haven't been out on dates with guys before, it's just that they've all been rather simple things like going out for a beer or going to a movie - where we'd grope each other in the dark. Shane showed up in shirt and tie, and took me to a cozy Italian restaurant. He flirted openly with me all night, entwined his fingers with mine, and looked at me in a way that made me embarrassed and proud at the same time. At first I thought he was showing off to shock the waiters, but I soon noticed that he didn't care about them at all; all his attention and charm was focused on me.

Considering how clearly he showed his interest in me, I was expecting him to jump my bones as soon as we got alone, but he surprised me. Instead of taking a taxi to his place, we took a stroll through town, holding hands, talking, and not until we got to my door did he kiss me. It was the kind of kiss that made ME want to jump HIM. I was surprised and disappointed when he pulled away and wished me goodnight.

"Don't you want to come upstairs?" I asked.

He smiled sweetly.

"Yes, I do, but I think I better not," he said.

"Why?"

"Because if I do, I might get tempted to go further than just a kiss."

"In that case, you should DEFINITELY come upstairs!" I said, putting my arms around him, pulling him closer.

He smiled again, and kissed me on my nose.

"You're so sweet," he said. "But I don't want to rush things. Can we save it for later?"

"Does that mean that you want to see me again?" I said.

"Well, DUH!" he said. "I want to see you again. I want to see you every day for the rest of my life!"

So, he didn't want to have sex on our first date, but he was fine with proposing on a first date? OK, the guy was cute, but weird. And I had a firm rule about weirdos...

"Are you free tomorrow night?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

...they were usually great fucks.

**********************

That was 3 months ago. I've never dated any guy as long as that before. Up until now, my history had consisted of a few short affairs and one-night-stands. Hanging out together, some hot sex, and once curiosity was settled, on to the next guy. And here I was, dating Shane – and dating him EXCLUSIVELY, mind you! – for 3 whole months! And we STILL hadn't had sex! Not that I hadn't tried seducing him. I'd used all my old tricks; dressing in a tight tank top to show off my trimmed torso, dancing sexy when we went out dancing, licking ice cream off my hand… I'd even tried the direct approach when we were watching a movie over at his place. I started kissing him and running my hands through his hair and over his body, and we ended up lying on his couch, making out, caressing each others' bodies. But when I rubbed his hard-on through his jeans, he moaned and pulled away from me.

"You're so sweet and sexy," he sighed.

"Then why don't you want to have sex with me?" I said.

"I do," he answered. "I want you so much it hurts! I just don't want to move too fast."

I sighed, and rolled over on my back.

"Don't be mad at me, baby!" he said.

"I don't understand," I said testily. "You say that you want me. Well, I want you too! So what are you waiting for?"

He put his hand on my cheek, and gently turned my head towards him.

"I'm falling for you," he said. "For real. I want this" – he gestured between us – "to be special. I don't want a quick fuck and then we part ways. I want to be with you. I want to make love to you."

I felt something inside my throat. I swallowed, but it didn't go away.

"Say something," said Shane. "You're scaring me."

"You're scaring ME," I said.

"Why?"

He put his arm under my head, and made me rest my head against his shoulder.

"This is… a big thing," I said.

He nodded.

"I've never had anything… serious, before," I said.

"I have," said Shane.

He caressed my hair while he told me about this guy he'd been seeing for 6 whole months once.

"I was in love with him," said Shane. "But he was just having some fun. If I had known that all along, it would have been one thing, but I thought… When he dumped me, I was a total wreck."

He kissed my hair.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm just afraid of having my heart broken again. Especially by you. I don't want to loose what we've got by going too fast."

I couldn't take it anymore. He was talking about a real, serious, fucking relationship! I freaked. I knew I was being a jerk for leaving him just as he had opened his heart and soul to me, but I just couldn't stay there. I was scared shitless, and that thing in my throat was suffocating me. I got up and put my sweater on.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I just... I... I need to think!"

I ran out of there, ignoring him calling my name. I walked for hours, trying to calm down. I felt like a complete looser. The sweetest guy in the world opened his heart to me, and me, my fucking schmuck, I ran away.

OK, now I may be irrational, but I'm no idiot. I realized I had some issues, and I spent the following week wrestling with my inner demons, trying to figure out what the hell I really wanted.

It wasn't easy. It took one helluva lot of beer and Genesis. I looked back on my past so called love life (in lack of better words), and I didn't need to be Sigmund Freud to see the pattern. I'd been dating rather rough and very masculine guys, the type that figured that 3 beers=foreplay, and who didn't ask much more out of me than my company and my ass. They say that the partners you choose reflect the relationship you had with your parents when you were a child. Well, what do you know - my dad walked out on us when I was 5! Welcome to the land of clichées, Mikey!

So, I'd figured out the pattern, and here I had the chance to break that pattern for good. I had a sweet guy in my life, who wanted to be with me. I'd never find such a great guy ever again. So why the hell did I stare at the phone, trying and failing, night after night, to summon up the courage to call Shane?

*************************

My plan was simple: I'd get myself pissed drunk, and when I'd worked up enough guts, I'd go over to Shane and tell him how I felt about it. OK, so it wasn't a GOOD plan, but at least it involved me actually DOING something. Luckily, I hadn't even opened my first bottle before the door bell rang. It was Shane.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I answered, dumbstruck.

We stared at each other, silent.

"Do you want me to go away?" he asked.

"No!" I said, and stepped aside to let him in.

He flung his jacket over a chair.

"I was going to go and see you tonight," I said.

He smiled, and raised an eyebrow.

"Really," I said.

He sat down on my couch. I took a seat next to him.

"Why did you ran out on me like that?" he said. "Did I scare you?"

"Sort of," I said.

"Because I want this to be serious?" Shane asked.

"Yes," I said, not knowing what to say, or how to explain my feelings to him.

That's what the beer would have been for.

"And... you don't want a serious relationship, is that it?" said Shane. "You just want... I don't know, a fling? A few quick fucks, and then you dump me?"

"No!" I said. "It's just that... I don't want to screw this up!"

Shane looked confused.

"I don't follow you," he confessed.

"I've never had a serious relationship," I said. "Just... flings. I don't know if I can do this."

"You mean you're not interested in having anything serious with me?" said Shane. "You like me, but not THAT much?"

"No, I like you TOO much, that's the problem!" I said.

Shane sighed, and leaned his head back against the couch.

"You better explain this to me in plain English, like I was an idiot," he said. "You like me so much that you don't want to be with me?"

"You're a great guy," I said. "You deserve someone better than me. Someone you can trust."

"Are you saying I can't trust you?" said Shane.

"I've never been able to stick to one and the same guy longer than 3 weeks," I said. "This... this is just TOO good to last. Sooner or later, I'm gonna screw up somehow, and then not only will I loose the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I'll also hurt the feelings of someone I..!"

I swallowed the last word before I'd said it. I'm superstitious. Never say the L-word, or you'll ruin the relationship. And we're not talking about the word "lesbian" here!

Shane looked at me. Then he grinned, wider and wider. He leaned over and gently pressed me down against the cushions, kissing me passionately. I should have pushed him away, but I couldn't. His lip were soft, his tongue sweet and wet, and I 'd missed him this week we'd been apart, missed him like crazy. So instead of pushing him away, I put my arms around him and just enjoyed the attention I got from his mouth and hands. He pulled my shirt up, and I shivered when his nails scraped over my skin. He unbuttoned the shirt and pulled it apart to give himself access to my chest.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"I'm making love to you," he said.

"What about not rushing into things?" I said. "Or are you just doing this so I won't break up with you? 'Cause that's not what I meant..."

"No," said Shane. "That's not it at all. I'd never use sex to try and save a relationship."

He licked my neck, and I jerked. It tickled.

"I don't want to get intimate with someone who's just looking for a little fun," he whispered into my hair. "Because sex is such a powerful thing. It confuses your mind, so you can't tell the difference between lust and love. I want to know a guy loves me back before I let myself get that involved."

"But I... I just said..." I couldn't speak very coherently, because his tongue was circling around my nipple in a most distractive way.

"You rather give me up than hurt my feelings," he said. "That's the sweetest declaration of love I've ever heard."

He nibbled his way down my abs.

"I have a history of screwing things up," I warned him.

"There are never any guarantees, not in any relationship," said Shane. "At least you're honest. Now, will you stop protesting and let me seduce you?"

So I shut up, and allowed him to conquer my body, inch by inch. His hands and tongue were all over me, not missing a single spot of my skin. His hands caressed me, his fingers pinched me, and his nails scratched me. He nibbled and licked and kissed, and all the different forms of touch stimulated the nerves in my skin, until my whole body felt electrified. Every light touch of his hands or mouth sent shivers through the rest of my body. When he unbuttoned my jeans, I was already hard. He undressed me and continued the treatment on my legs, all the time avoiding the one part of my body that craved attention the most.

"Please," I whispered. "I can't take this much longer."

"Not yet," said Shane, smiling. "You're not ready yet."

"Yes I am!" I said. "I'm hard as a rock!"

"No rush," said Shane. "That will only make you COME. A great foreplay will make you EXPLODE."

I didn't understand the difference - then. But I had no choice but to wait. Shane stopped me from touching myself by holding on to my wrists, and my legs twitched spastically as he left light kisses all the way up the inside of my thighs. When he finally touched my dick, I gasped for breath. It rose by itself to reach for his mouth, but he turned his attention to my balls instead, and my dick fell back onto my stomach, looking a little disappointed. If I had thought I was horny before, it was nothing to what I felt when Shane used his magic tongue on my balls. He sucked on them, licked them, and kissed his way down to the area between my balls and my ass. I'd never known this was an erogenous zone, but the more he played with it, the more desperate I got. I needed relief from this tension! I bucked with my hips in a vain attempt to move my cock in range for his mouth. He gave me a dirty smile, and finally took my cock in his mouth. He was soft, wet, and warm around my little friend, and I moaned happily. He sucked hard and slow and moved his head round and round. It wasn't like any other blowjob I've ever gotten. Shane wasn't sucking me off, he was just using another method of working up my lust.

"Please, please, please..!" I said. "This is too good! It's too much, I can't take it!"

"But there's more," said Shane. "This is just the beginning."

He moved the tip of his tongue rapidly over the sensitive spot just below the head of my cock, and I screamed out loud. I came in long cascades over his hand. For some reason, my eyes were teary, and my whole body felt spent.

"Oh, my god," I whispered.

Shane pressed my legs upwards, so he got better access to my ass. Clearly, he wasn't kidding when he said this was just the beginning. I wasn't sure I could take much more pleasure, but I was too tired to argue. Besides, I longed to see him come, to hear him moan in ecstasy. He started by licking the rim of my asshole, wiggling the tip of his tongue into it, and gently massaging my buttocks. Then he carefully wet his index finger and pressed it into my ass, moved it in and out, and carefully pushed it in all the way to the knuckle. He dropped some saliva on my asshole and then pushed two fingers into me. He moved them slightly, bent them a little, and reached my G-spot. Up until now, I'd had no idea I even had one. It felt good.

"Yes!" I moaned. "Right there! Oh, please don't stop!"

He kissed my leg in a sweet, reassuring gesture, and kept tickling me until I couldn't lie still. I groaned and trembled, and grabbed on to the couch for support. The feelings were so intense, I felt like crying.

"NOW you're ready," Shane whispered.

He pulled off his T-shirt and pants, and I only caught a glimpse of his hard dick before he wet it with more saliva and pressed it against my opening. It slid in easily, which surprised me. Normally, I'd feel a slight pain whenever someone penetrated me, even if that person had a smaller dick than Shane, unless we used lots and lots of lube. Now I finally understood the point of foreplay. Shane thrusted in and out of me in slow, steady strokes. I closed my eyes and enjoyed myself, ignoring the tears running down the sides of my face. Shane carefully dried them for me.

"Why are you crying, baby?" he said.

"Because it feels so good," I smiled. "I've never been this TAKEN before."

"I'm not taking you," he said. "I'm making love to you."

"Ooooh, I love it!" I babbled. "I want you to do this to me every day! I love it! I love you!"

"You're so sweet," he said, his voice a little thick with emotions. "I want to be good to you for the rest of my life!"

His rhythm fastened a little, and I pulled him down into my arms, held him tight, and kissed him. His dick scraped against my G-spot again, and my ass, my whole body; tensed up with pleasure, like I'd had an orgasm, but without ejaculating.

"Damned, I can't hold back!" Shane whined.

He pushed deep into me, moaning for each thrust, and his grip around me tightened. He relaxed, panting, and kissed me all over my face.

"You're amazing!" he said. "I'm sorry for the abrupt finale."

"Are you kidding?" I said, caressing his cheek. "I've never met anyone who could hold out that long! Usually it's just `wham-bam-thank-you-man´."

"I wanted to last longer," said Shane. "No matter how good it feels to come, it's nothing compared to how good it feels to be inside you."

I hugged him. He was really too sweet for words. He slid out of me and got to his feet.

"Come," he said. "Let's go to your bedroom."

"Ready to go again?" I said. "So soon?"

"No," he chuckled. "I need a little rest first. And I want to take a nap in your arms."

I got off the couch. My body was a little stiff, and my legs felt a little shaky. I put my arms around him and kissed him. I wasn't afraid anymore. The magic word had turned from a curse to a blessing.

"I love you," I said.