Hot Toddy

Walking into my hometown grocery store never felt as surreal as it did walking hand in hand with my very hot and sweet boyfriend Mattie. I was nervous about such a gay little public display of affection, but walking in without his hand to guide me was even scarier. In a small town like the one I grew up in, it was generally understood that it was impossible to go buy groceries without running into someone you know. While this sometimes resulted in surprisingly pleasant brief reunions, the dice were often loaded towards those you spent a quarter of your mental capacity constantly praying that your paths will never cross again.

Once we started to focus on our task of getting the ingredients for the recipes I would cook my parents to let them know I learned how to cook delicious food despite neglecting to teach me. "Should I make some brussels sprouts for a side or do you think that it took exotic flavor for my mom to handle?" I said with a deviant grin.

Mattie laughed with a cackle that I'm sure echoed throughout the store, "Babe with the sprouts you make, she'll learn to love it." Mattie touched his hand to my back to accent the support of his words, which was coincidentally timed to falling back when I saw him.

"Mattie," I said in a desperate, hushed tone.

"Oh shit," Mattie looked around curiously and cautiously, "That 's the 'I saw someone' tone. Who is it?" Mattie made sure his volume was low to not trigger my anxiety that someone could hear us.

"It's fucking Todd. And? Uh? His wife maybe?"

Mattie's eyes went wide, "Oh my God. Am I going to meet the famous Other Todd? The one that turned my Todd into the delightful f*g I love so much today."

I tugged Mattie towards me so I could whisper in his ear frantically, "You know I love reclaiming slurs but do we really have to reclaim the f slur in the grocery store with my teenage, uh, whatever he was across the store."

"I'm sorry, babe. So are we going to say hi? Is this going to happen? Seeing that the man who used to finger your butthole has such a beautiful wife really only makes me want to meet him more."

I burst out laughing, popping the protective barrier of the whisper. Of course laughing at this is what made OT look up, notice me, and walk towards us.

"Oh fuck," he said in his signature deep voice that always drew me in, "What's up, Hottie?"

Mattie's jaw dropped to the floor, "Hold up. What did you just call him? I do not know you sir, and I will proudly inform you that he is taken. I know we want to open things up even-" I tugged on his arm, "I mean, what? Did you just call him Hottie? With a woman like that beside you?" Mattie turned towards the woman, "What is the book club going to think about this one, honey?"

The woman laughed and OT responded, "Oh, he hasn't told you? That's what our friends called us since we're both named Todd and things were getting way too confusing. It was a whole thing. First he was "Todd E", which quickly became 'Toddy" and 'Hot Toddy', which then slurred into "Hottie" the first time we all tried beer together when we were 16."

Mattie looked genuinely fascinated by the chronology of my evolving, or perhaps devolving, high school nicknames. "I thought I knew a lot of the Todd in High School Lore but at least one crucial piece was missing all along."

"Yeah, well it never came up because we don't know any Todds back in the city," I clarified.

"Okay, sure honey. So, Todd, I'm curious, what were your nicknames back in the day?"

"Oh, I was just Other Todd the whole time."

Mattie put his hand to his heart, "Oh my God. I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

I rolled my eyes and OT laughed, "Yeah, it might surprise you to know that I no longer feel close to anyone who used to call me that. Maybe I was never close to them in the first place."

"That's kind of deep. I love when I can tell a man has done some kind of reflection on his relationships," Mattie replied. "Well anyway, you already know Hot Todd or whatever. I'm Mattie, his boyfriend."

The other two paused, the woman chuckled while OT's mouth dropped. The woman reached out her hand to Mattie, "Nice to meet you, I'm Maddie."

"Oh, that is kinda fucked up. Here stands 4 people and 2 names. Man, I know I'm back in this boring ass town again when this silly ass coincidence is the most interesting thing that's happened all week." I said with a cringe.

Maddie flashed a huge grin, "Well, I have a fun idea! If you guys are so bored here maybe you can stop by and catch up? Maybe tomorrow night?"

I laughed, "Well, I guess you must be bored here too if you're willing to invite two strangers over to your husband's parents' house." She gave a quick nod of affirmation with a smile. "That's sweet and all, but sorry Todd, I'm not sure I want to see your parents ever again. The last 10 years have been just a little more peaceful without them, and I'm sure they do not want to meet Mattie."

OT let out a chuckle, "Well lucky you, because they're not home this week."

"What? For the holiday? Then why are you even here if they're not? Where are they?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

OT rolled his eyes at his distant parents, "They went on a cruise instead because Trevor came out as gay."

Mattie responded without a missing beat but clearly missing some thought, "It must run in the family." My cheeks flushed and I cleared my throat in a panic, Mattie thankfully got the hint. "Uh, you know, names that start with the letter T."

Other Todd nodded, "Yeah. it does actually, it's like a whole thing. But anyway, they literally canceled the holiday and said we will not be celebrating them together as long as Trevor continues to choose to live in sin, or whatever."

I've had such confusing and conflicting emotions about Todd throughout the many years we weren't in contact. I never thought I would ever go to his house ever again, but this was probably the way to get me back into the house that shaped so much of who I am. "Yeah, sure, fuck it. When are you guys around? I'd love to hang, and see Trev if he's around. Let him know that it gets better or whatever."

"But only once you cut off your homophobic Nightmare Parents." Mattie added with a delightful spite.

*

This brief encounter unleashed so much inside of me, but it felt like it took an eternity to feel safe to show it. As we walked away, I made sure to change the subject immediately. As we left the store and started to pack the care, I did everything I could to hold back. Even when we got in the car, I was so fucking horrified about the potential of OT and Maddie hearing me as they happened to pass by that I bit down my tongue. As we pulled out of the parking lot, I finally decided now was the time to let it out.

I took a deep breath so I had enough force to let it all out of me, "His brother is gay? His brother? He touched my butthole with his dick and his brother is gay? Granted, it didn't go inside me, but still. It reads kind of gay to me! I was the one who decided to not go through with, and I am definitely gay! So what gives? He just gets to assimilate and avoid all the pain of feeling so unknown and unloved by many of the people we grew up with? He seems to be supporting his brother so maybe that was unfair to say. And we're going over there? In two days? What the fuck? Also," I turned to Mattie as we waited at a stop light, "And you? Are you serious? Runs in the family? I can't believe you fucking said that!" I felt like I was going to cry but instead started to laugh, "You really need to have a fucking quip for everything, don't you?"

Mattie put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry, it is just so hard to keep track who in your life knows the gay shit and who doesn't. I guess I assumed the dude who you did all the gay stuff with would've known about it."

"I guess that is a fair point, but who knows if his wife knows anything about it. And even without her, it is just really weird because we have never talked about it at all. Even at the time in our lives when we hooked up regularly, it was just never acknowledged when we weren't in the act. At the time, I didn't want to talk about it because somehow talking about it would've made it real in a way that I was not ready for yet. Over time, I have grown to be grateful for those hook ups because they are what helped me understand that I'm gay. And I think that is kind of why it is so scary to address now, because it is this meaningful turning point for me and I don't know what it is for him. It just would be painful to learn that it is something he regrets or feels uncomfortable about. There's always been this part of me that has wanted the closure of knowing what is up with his sexuality, because honestly, I feel a little bitter that he has just assimilated when I didn't have the choice. Assimilation isn't even my goal, but it is hard not to resent someone who I assume hasn't had to live with all the suffering I've gone through. Those hook ups changed my life for better and worse, so it is just weird that he just moved on."

"I mean who knows what he's been through. It's not like being a closeted bisexual isn't a painful experience."

"Yeah, that's true. I don't even know if he is closeted, like maybe he was just horny and I was conveniently there. He changed my life, so it would hurt so much if I learned that he just saw me as a collection of holes."

"Yeah. I think it get it, you want to feel like you are comrades and that you were more to him than just a cum rag."

I let out a sigh that turned into a laugh, "I cannot stand you sometimes. Oh my God."

Mattie responded with a devilish smirk. "But anyway, don't you think it's kind of interesting that Maddie just invited us over like that? Like wasn't that your first time meeting her? Seems weird for her to do that if she doesn't know something about your past friendship. Oh, fuck. What if she knows and thinks it's hot and wants to watch?"

My heart dropped into my stomach, "That is exactly the type of thing a straight woman with a queer husband would do. Oh. God. Well, regardless of her intention I am not interested!"

Mattie's face looked like he was planning something. "It's okay if you do. That could be a fun, full circle way to try out the nonmonogamy we've been talking about."

I laughed, and in the ensuing silence I thought about it. I remembered not only what our experimentation has ended up meaning to me but all the fear around it. I remember hooking up with OT at sleepovers haunted by his mother casually condemning homosexuality at the dinner table just hours prior. I think about how Trevor must feel to be out in that environment while still living there, how it would feel to be the reason why the family holiday celebrations are canceled.

I broke the silence as we pulled into my parents' driveway, "I guess we'll see what happens."

Mattie laughed, "I really am the little devil on your shoulder sometimes aren't I? I am so proud."

*

I was never all that close to Trevor growing up, so it really warmed when he opened the door and looked excited to see me.

"Hi Todd, it is so good to see you. Other Todd told me you were coming."

Mattie laughed, "Wow, you are the Canonical Todd so much that even OT's brother refers to him as the Other One. I am so proud of you babe."

"Yeah, I used to call him that to annoy him but it just kinda stuck. Well, my boyfriend is picking me up in like half an hour but I'd love to hang with you guys until then. If I'm invited."

I smiled, "Of course you are. I've heard about the recent developments in your life and would love a chance to chat."

Mattie nodded, "Honestly, I hate the holidays so it would be an honor to hang out with the Reason to Not Celebrate the Season. I don't know if you smoke but we brought weed if you want to spitefully smoke it on your parents bed. I'm Mattie, by the way."

"Oh wow, that is so weird. The name thing. The weed thing sounds great. Let's grab OT and Mat- Maddie and head upstairs."

*

Trevor continued what he was saying as he passed the blunt to me as the five of us sat on his parent's bed, "Yeah, I knew it wasn't going to go well, my mom has never really been in the habit of keeping her opinions to herself, but hiding was just getting too exhausting. In just a few months I will be done with Community College and moving out, but I just could only come up with so many excuses for why the same man was picking me up 3 to 5 times a week. You only get assigned so many group projects, you know?"

"Totally. I really hate when people call me brave for being visibly gay but like, fuck, you really earned it. Your mom sucks so bad, I'm so sorry to have to deal with her," I said to him, my heart hurting.

"But in just a few months you will be elsewhere getting spit roasted by the hottest f*gs on campus as your mom is complaining about how you don't talk to her anymore to her Bible Study group." Mattie added to audible amusement from the pile of us on the bed.

Maddie covered her mouth in light embarrassment, "Sorry, I don't know if I'm allowed to laugh at that word."

Her crossgender doppelganger put his hand to his heart, "Oh, you are such a precious angel. It is totally fine as long as you're laughing with us and there are at least 3 of us here laughing with you. Just know that if you call me that there's gonna be a problem."

I covertly looked around the room to see the reaction to Mattie's comment, OT was completely still looking up at the ceiling through the cloud of smoke but Maddie sported a mischievous look that was a familiar sight on an unfamiliar face.

After a few minutes, Trevor got up to leave and I gave him my number if he ever needed support or just wanted to chat. The rest of us just silently laid on the big bed, silently listening to the cars passing outside, the rare chirp from the few remaining birds outside, and each other's breath. Silence is usually something that makes me feel anxious but I was confident that my Gay Agent of Chaos or OT's Potentially Chaotic Normal Wife would break it soon.

"Oh I have a silly idea," Maddie said in a way that made the smirk on her face audible. "What if we played truth or dare?" The moment she spoke I mentally crossed out the "Potentially" in my previous thought.

Todd and I were laying next to each other and I couldn't tell if the heat I was feeling was just in my face or radiating from his as well. I was too nervous to confirm my suspicions with a peek.

Mattie's laugh pierced the silence, "Girl, I fuck with you so hard. And I've always thought it was just gay people who played truth or dare and spin the bottle in their late 20s."

"Aww thank you, you're a pleasure to be around as well, Mattie. I honestly haven't played since I was a teenager but sitting here high on a bed with a group makes me nostalgic for my teenage years. What do the Todds think?"

We were both silent for a moment and I broke the silence because something in me told me he would not, "I'm cool with it. But if someone doesn't want to do something they get to pass. I honestly have a weird fondness for it but sometimes the consent stuff can get kind of messy!" The mention of my fondness seemed to increase the heat of confusing origin.

Todd simply laughed, "Sure. But I don't want Matdie going first, they're alignment with chaos might make things a little much to start with."

"Oh, wow you know our connection is real when your own husband already gave us a gay ass couple nickname. Truly honored. I never really wanted to be a gay best friend. but I like your energy." Todd said with a cackle.

"I'm happy for you, but I guess I will go first before one of you two escalates way too quickly." I sat up and looked at OT, "Alright, Todd. Truth or dare?"

"Truth." Todd replied without missing a beat.

"What do you love most about your wife?"

Maddie groaned so loudly it startled me, "Not that I'm not interested in the answer, but is that really the best you got? Where is the spice?"

"I'm not trying to be spicy!" I said in defense. "I just want to get to know you guys more, I didn't think that was going to be offensive."

"It's supposed to be offensive, have you ever played this game before?" Maddie said between eye rolls.

I blushed in unison with Todd, "Oh, I've played this game plenty. I just want to ease back into it. Give me a break."

Todd sat up and pondered for a moment, "I love Maddie because she loves people fully. Not just me, but everyone she cares about. And has been made clear by recent events, I grew up in an environment where love was conditional even though my parents would never admit that truth. Maddie is not like that. She loves what others shun. She also values growth, pushing herself to learn and understand the world. She's ambitious, not in a career centric way, but for the sake of being a better person than the day before. She also loves to push the envelope in a way that keeps things, uh, interesting to say this least."

We sat in silence for a moment, letting Todd's words hang in the air. "Oh, wow Maddie you sound cool as hell honestly."

"Yeah, it's kind of funny because Todd's parents really seem to love me, but if only they knew the sort of things I encourage in their son." Todd turned bright red but had nothing to say in reply.

Mattie looked at me with that fucking grin, "I just decided it is my turn now. So Todd. The Hot One or whatever. Truth or dare?"

"Oh, truth. I am not ready for whatever nonsense you're gonna come up with."

"Fair enough. What is your biggest regret from your teenage years?"

I told the group that I needed a minute to think about it, but that was a lie and I knew Mattie knew that. I knew exactly what it was, but was I really going to say it? How should I say it? What could happen if I do? Will it finally give life to those secret days from so long ago?

"When I look back on those days, it breaks my heart that I lived in so much fear. That fear really influenced the way I navigated the world. There was one person in particular who helped me understand who I am but I never had the courage to really let him know that, or even acknowledge it on any level at all." I had no idea what kind of heat, if any, was radiating off of Todd's face because my eyes were desperate to look at anything but his reaction.

Maddie jumped in immediately, "Honey, truth or dare?"

What the fuck? You don't have anything to say? You won't even give anyone else the space to say anything of their own? Fuck, I guess this means it went poorly, maybe I shouldn't have tried to break the tradition of secrecy.

"Uh, fuck it. I'll take a dare." Todd said with profound bravery.

"If it's okay with everyone else, including you, I dare you to show Todd that you also have a deep gratitude for him with a kiss on the lips."

Oh. Fuck. What? There's no fucking way.

I look at Mattie, he nods with a delighted look in his eye. "Oh shit, damn. Guess that wasn't as sneaky as I thought." My eyes once again fought so hard to avoid his face but I overpowered them to look right at him, "I would love for you to kiss me as long as you would love it as well."

OT sat up and was quiet for the moment. His face went through so many emotions at once that it was difficult to read any of them. "Uh," Todd announced before another beat of silence. "I don't have the words you do. Not because I didn't feel similarly, but because I just started accepting those feelings as part of me just a few years ago. You'd think I'd have them by now, but I am still learning how to feel safe enough to truly embrace them. But I hope this will be enough until I find that safety."

"It's not even happening yet, but I'm completely certain it will be," I declared, my confidence backed by my already hard dick throbbing through my skinny jeans.

Todd looked at me and I took him in. The shy smile, the rosy cheeks, the parting of his lips. This was actually about to be our first kiss, something I fantasized about often all of those years ago, but kissing on the lips somehow felt way more gay than sucking him off.