How Not to Use a Mcdonald's Straw

"No."

"Oh c'mon. Don't be such a pansy."

"I'm not being a pansy. This is just a fucking gross idea, and I'm not doing it, and nothing you guys say will make me do it. You are both fucking nuts," Kai muttered.

There really was no proper way to explain the situation Kai had found himself in. His best friend and coined fuckbuddy Alex, was sprawled across his and Derrek's futon in their cramped living room. A wicked grin spread across his large mouth. He was proud of himself for such a disgustingly absurd idea and Kai knew it.

Derrek was standing above Kai at the kitchen table. An eyebrow quirked and somehow he was just as onboard with Alex's idea as the man himself.

Kai was... Disgusted.

Alex wanted to know what it was like to snort someone else's jizz. Except he didn't want to do it himself, because who in their right fucking mind would, so he came up with the brilliant idea of making Kai do it instead.

For scientific purposes of course.

Kai looked up at his boyfriend, large doe eyes pleading and searching for any ounce of remorse Derrek might have had stuffed in his lithe 5 foot something body.

"Seriously Derrek, no. I'm not doing it. It's not like waxing your asshole, or that one time you wanted to try butter for lube. This is just so many layers of gross. I'm not doing it."

Derrek glanced down at him, his sharp eyes softened a fraction. He ran a hand through Kai's hair, softly, lovingly, dragged a finger down his jaw to cup Kai's face and tilted it up towards himself. He licked his lips, his gaze flickered down to Kais own pout. "I wont fuck you for a month if you don't." He murmured.

Alex howled with laughter in the background. Kai ignored the crash as his friend toppled off the couch and into the coffee table.

Kai gaped up at Derrek. "You can't be serious," his mouth opened and closed an innumerable amount of times. Derrek stared at him with a sickeningly sweet smile. "Oh my god you're actually serious. A month!? You wont... you can't... that's so unfair! What is wrong with you? Why do you want me to do this!?"

Derrek dropped his hold on Kai's face and shrugged. "I dunno. I'm curious as to what it feels like too but I'm not fuck'in doing it. Alex is too much of a little bitch to do it-" Alex squawked a "hey!" in the background in which Derrek ignored, "-and your just stupid enough, and just horny enough to do it if I wont fuck you for a few weeks."

Kai blinked a handful of times before a strangled cry fell from his lips and he dramatically sprawled forward onto the kitchen table. His forehead and nose squished against the glass.

"I need new friends. Scratch that I need a new life. This is so fucking unfair."

Derrek patted his head gently. A mockery of comfort. "So are you gonna do it or do I need to think up new ways to fuck with you and make your dick sad for the next month."

Kai grumbled into the glass. "What do I get if I do it?"

Alex popped up from the living room floor, and sauntered over to the two other men. "I'll give you a dollar. I'll also include my respect for your absolute level of stupidity and need to have Derrek's dick up your ass."

Kai muttered an unintelligible insult into the table. Derrek giggled.

"I'll let you top next time we fuck. I'll also cook you dinner for the next week," Derrek said.

Kai peered up sideways from his position plastered to the table. "You can't cook," he deadpanned. Then softly muttered, "and I don't wanna top."

"I'll buy us takeout for the next week," Derrek blinked at him.

Kai sighed. "Fucking hell. Fine! Fine! I'll fucking do it! But if I choke and die it's on you guys and I'm only doing it with your jizz. I'm not fucking going near yours Alex."

Alex pouted. "Rude. My jizz is fucking great. I eat pineapples and shit all the time."

Kai stared at him. His eye twitched for a moment before he looked back up at his boyfriend. " Ok, so how am I doing this, when am I doing this and where am I doing this."

Derrek looked thoughtful for a moment. He walked over to the living room, adjusted the coffee table Alex had jostled in his earlier laughing fit and fumbled with his belt for a split second before he halted his movements to stare at Alex.

"Go sit in the spare bedroom for like ten minutes."

Kai gaped. Alex shrugged, muttering, "I've seen your dick before but okay then." and left the living room.

"You're going to make me do it right now aren't you," Kai whined.

"No time like the present Bun." Derrek cheerily replied as he undid his belt and pants and shimmied his jeans down his thighs onto the floor. He looked down at himself, then back up at his boyfriend.

"C'mere. I'm not doing this myself. It'll take too long."

Kai sighed. Accepting his fate he peeled himself off the kitchen chair and as slowly as physically possible lumbered his way over to his boyfriend.

He stood in front of him, grabbed his hips, slotted his legs between Derrek's and pouted down at him.

"I'm not blowing you. I'm mad at you for making me do this." He grumbled as he pecked along Derrek's neck.

"That's okay. I kinda deserve that," Derrek laughed.

Derrek rocked his hips against his boyfriend's thigh and sighed as he hooked his chin over the other man's shoulder. Kais grip on Derrek's hips tightened and he couldn't help but grin at the soft moan that fell from his boyfriend's lips. He could feel Derrek's dick slowly waking up against his thigh, and without much preamble brought his hand to his mouth and obnoxiously licked it while holding eye contact with the other man in some false sense of dominance to make himself feel better.

Somewhere in the background Alex hollered, "It's been 5 minutes fucking hurry up!"

Kai ignored him.

He grabbed Derrek's dick with little to no tact and slowly jerked him off until he was fully hard against his palm.

Derrek whimpered into his shoulder. His hips rocked into the nearly dry grip of Kai's hand and Kai couldn't help but preen at how fast he could get the other man off. They hadn't fucked in a few days due to bad work schedules and not enough sleep, so he knew his boyfriend was more than already worked up.

"What if I just let you cum on my face and like.. Breathe in that way." Kai muttered into Derrek's neck.

Derrek's moan bubbled into a laugh. "That's cheating," His hips jerked into Kai's grip and he stuttered on a breath before he cleared his throat and attempted to continue. "P-plus. Alex wants to. Ah Alex wants to see and I'm not letting him see you jerk me off."

Kai's motions stopped as he blinked at him incredulously. "He's seen us fuck. He's literally fucked me, multiple times."

Derrek laughed. "Yeah but this is for scientific purposes. This isn't us fooling around."

Kai rolled his eyes, his grip around Derrek's cock tightened as he flicked a thumb over the head and resumed his ministrations. "Yeah sure. Scientific."

They fell into a comfortable silence as Kai continued to work Derrek's dick in his hand and within a few minutes Derrek was panting against his shoulder.

"I... shit why the fuck am I so worked up?" Derrek hiccupped.

"Because you're a sadistic asshole who wants me to suffer and you're excited to watch me snort your jizz," Kai deadpanned.

Derrek laughed, then dropped his head against Kai's shoulder. "Maybe," he whimpered. "oh-Okay I'm. Fuck I'm close. Just uh. Move closer to the t-table," He stuttered.

"Yeah yeah." Kai grumbled as he stepped back and Derrek stepped closer to him and the edge of the coffee table. He picked up his speed, twisted his wrist slightly. He belatedly realized he was getting hard, and was mad at his own dick for misunderstanding the situation.

Derrek moaned high and clear before he batted Kai's hand away with a whimper and grabbed his own dick. Kai stepped to the side and Derrek messily continued to jerk himself off before a moan fell from his plush lips and he came across the glass coffee table in messy thick lines.

Kai sighed. He had never felt so disappointed looking at his own boyfriends cum strewn across their coffee table.

Derrek huffed, then pulled his pants back up over his ass with a shimmy and re-did his belt up. "Alex we're done you can come back out!" he hollered.

Kai flinched.

Alex skipped out of the spare bedroom. He grinned ear from ear, acting like a kid who had just found out he was going to Disney World, and not a twenty five year old man about to witness his best friend and occasional fuck buddy snort said fuck buddies boyfriend's jizz like some bad grade liquid cocaine.

"That was fast." He waggled his eyebrows obnoxiously at the two men and scrambled over the back of the futon landing with an 'oof' on to the couch.

"Can we just get this over with?" Kai groaned as Alex laughed and Derrek plopped down on the couch. Alex wrapped an arm around the blonde and tugged him against his chest. "Time to get cozy for the show kids," he dramatically proclaimed.

"I hate you both so fucking much right now." Kai muttered as he squatted down in front of the coffee table. He didn't have a plan of action, he mostly just wanted this done and over with and to move on and pretend like it never happened.

Derrek leaned forward on the couch, he reached out to run a hand through Kai's hair softly before he gripped the locks and tugged them hard enough to cause the younger man to careen sideways into the couch. His face smushed awkwardly into the cushion.

"Be nice, or I'll make you snort all of it and still wont fuck you for a month." He sneered.

Alex cackled.

Derrek let go of Kai's hair with a pat, and leaned back into the couch. He poked his boyfriends side with the edge of his foot until he sat up properly and sulked in front of the coffee table. Kai stared at the jizz as if it had personally offended him and his ancestors for a lot longer than both Derrek and Alex seemed to like, as Derrek placed his socked foot on Kai's back and pushed him forward gently.

"C'mon Bun. Just do it already. The longer you wait the stickier it'll get and I'm pretty sure that's worse than warm jizz on your face. Chop chop!"

Kai sighed, he leaned into the coffee table, braced his forearms against the glass and stared hard at the white gooey mess of Derrek's cum.

"Uh," he mumbled, "how do I... How do I do this? I'm not just going to stick my face into it. Don't I need, like... a straw or something?"

Derrek laughed. "Good point. I'll go get you one. Stay put." He punctuated his last words with a tap of his foot against Kai's back again, then launched himself off the side of the couch towards the kitchen and rummaged in their cupboards for a straw.

Kai could hear Alex giggling behind him and he couldn't help but turn to glare at the man. "You're a demon," He spat.

Alex shrugged, "yeah. I am. But you're also desperate enough for Derrek's dick to do this so that's on you bun."

Kai scowled. "Your not allowed to fuck me for at least a month after this."

Alex laughed. "You say that but..." He grinned wolfishly down at Kai before Derrek came bounding back into the living room.

"A straw for the test subject." He beamed down at Kai, and handed him a wrapped McDonald's straw.

"Thanks." Kai frowned as he unwrapped the straw, and threw the wrapper at Derrek, who had sat back down on the futon, snuggled against Alex's side.

Kai shuddered as he stared at the cum on the table once again. He placed the straw above one of the smaller globs and heaved a deep breath through his mouth before placing the straw against his nose. Behind him Alex muttered 'Holy shit he's gonna do it'. And Derrek giggled something maniacal.

The room fell dead silent as Kai swallowed. He could hear his heart beating loudly and finally with a small prayer up to whatever god that was listening that it might not actually be that bad, he inhaled through his nose against the straw and promptly sputtered as a glob of gelatinous cum shot up through the straw directly into his nasal cavity. He choked and sputtered as the cooled, sticky cum hit the back of his throat.

He stood up blindly and yelped as he banged his knee against the coffee table. Derrek and Alex were in tears laughing leaned against each other, both in complete hysterics at the scene before them.

Kai groaned and fumbled around the futon towards the bathroom. Once in the small space he locked the door behind himself and pouted in front of the mirror.

His eyes were bloodshot, red, and watery, his hair a crumpled mess from Derrek grabbing it so much and his nose was red and sore. He sniffled softly and instantly regretted it as some of the remaining cum made its way further down the back of his throat. He coughed, hoarse, before he grabbed a cup from their counter and filled it to the brim with water and promptly chugged the entire contents in a vain attempt to rid his throat of the sticky cum.

He jumped as someone knocked against the door and rolled his eyes as the sound of Derrek's staccatoed squeaky laughter filled the hallway.

"Let me-" he laughed again, "-let me in Bun. I'll help you clean up," He snorted audibly through the door.

Kai scowled. "No! You've done more than enough tonight. You two can enjoy your night and I'm just going to sit in here forever because my boyfriend is a sadistic asshole and my fuckbuddy is a demon."

Derrek laughed, Alex's deep laughter filtered through the air. "Oh c'mon Bun, that was fucking hilarious and you know it."

"Hilarious for you maybe!" He squawked. "It hurt so fucking much! I think it's still in my nose," he whimpered.

Alex and Derrek burst into fits of laughter again against the door and Kai pouted as he sat on the lid of the toilet.

***

Eventually Derrek had coaxed Kai out of the bathroom with the promise of Chinese food and cuddles, (Sans any cum) and as the three men settled down for the night after a movie of Kai's choice, Alex questioned into the still air as the credits rolled.

"So what was that about butter as lube that you mentioned earlier?"

Kai groaned.