How the River Feels

(Before you read this story, please click on my name to go to my author's page. There is an explanatory note that will help connect my stories. Thanks for reading! - Rob)

One - A Concert to Remember

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

Jack sat in the dim light, reading his program for the evening's symphony concert. His mind wandered a bit, and he wondered how long it had been since he had attended a concert like this. Maybe it was before he was married? No, he and Karen had gone to a few concerts during their first year of marriage. Then things like his job, the birth of their son, all the things that went into maintaining a comfortable middle-class life in the suburbs - well, things like concerts fell by the wayside. Romantic getaways, concerts and museums, taking a class just for the fun of it: all gone, all merged into a comfortable shade of tan or gray, the kind of life that suited Jack. Or so he thought.

He became aware of movement to his left. A latecomer took the empty seat just as the lights dimmed for the concert to begin. Jack glanced to his left and nodded to the man, who whispered, "Made it just in time."

The conductor mounted the podium, and the music began. The strains of

Verklaerte Nacht

swirled around Jack and swept him away. As the passionate music swelled and ebbed, Jack found himself in another world. The tears that had often welled up since his loss ran freely down his cheeks. His heart was wrung and torn by the music, and finally given a measure of peace. As the last gentle phrases faded into silence, Jack felt a shock charge through his body. His left knee had brushed against the knee of the man to his left, and a jolt passed between them, unlike anything Jack had ever known. He looked directly at the stranger, surprised to find the man staring at him, wide-eyed with astonishment.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan pulled into the parking space, damning in his mind all the idiot drivers who had made his trip to downtown Houston a nightmare. He ran to Jones Hall and took the stairs two at a time, slipping into the auditorium just as the usher was closing the door. He quickly found his seat, whispering "Made it just in time" to the man to his right.

This concert would be a real treat for Dan. Three of his favorites were scheduled:

Verklaerte Nacht

, the "Prelude and Love-Death" from

Tristan and Isolde

, and Rachmaninoff's

Piano Concerto #2

. All three appealed to his romantic side, and he had been looking forward to this concert for some time.

As the sounds of the first piece rose and fell, Dan felt himself responding to the romantic, even erotic, nature of the music. His emotions tensed and calmed, and his body joined in. He realized his cock was swelling with desire, the need that hadn't been released in several days.

Dan shifted in his seat, glancing to his left. A woman of the society matron type looked primly straight ahead, ignoring the peasants around her. Dan looked to his right and was stunned. The big man was staring into space, tears flowing down his cheeks, his hands gripping the arms of his seat with white knuckles. Dan noticed the gold wedding band on the left hand.

As the music began its final descent into peaceful rest, Dan shifted again in his seat, trying to discreetly adjust the erection that demanded his attention. As he moved, his right knee brushed against the stranger next to him and he felt a shock pass through his body, making his heart race and his cock throb.

What the hell was that? As the music finally died away and the applause began, Dan found himself staring wide-eyed into the face of the tearful man, their eyes speaking a silent conversation of unanswered questions.

~~~~~~~~~~

Under cover of the audience's thunderous applause, Jack sheepishly apologized for his obvious emotional reaction to the music. "Sorry, I don't usually get carried away like that."

"That's okay," said Dan. "I'm glad to see someone who really gets involved in the music."

Jack thought, "If I reacted like that to the first piece, the next one will be pure hell."

However, he managed to keep some restraint on his emotions. Even so, Jack was overwhelmed by the power and passion of the music, and tears again flowed at his own sense of loss. He glanced to his left and saw the stranger looking at him with a smile and a nod.

As the "Love-Death" faded into silence, Jack wiped his eyes and looked at his feet, trying to compose himself. After the applause died down, Dan stood and held out his hand to Jack.

"Dan Olson. I hope you're enjoying the concert."

"Jack Middleton, and yes, I am." Jack shook Dan's hand, and they both felt a shock pass between them again, although they said nothing.

"Are you headed to the lobby?" asked Dan.

"Yes, I am. After you," replied Jack.

As they made their way to the lobby, they bumped into each other a couple of times in the crowd. Both men again felt the jolt or charge pass between them each time they touched.

Finally, they managed to reach an alcove where they could escape the crush and talk without having to raise their voices.

Dan said, "I've really been looking forward to this concert. Some of my favorite music. Do you attend regularly?"

"No. This is my first concert in years," said Jack. "Sorry if I seemed to get so carried away with the music."

Dan looked at Jack and thought a moment, then said, "Would you like to go for coffee after the concert? Or do you need to get home?"

"No," replied Jack. "No hurry to get home. The apartment is empty. I'd welcome the company, in fact."

"Let's do it then," said Dan. "There's the signal for the end of intermission. We'd better head back in. Go ahead, I'll follow."

Jack led the way, unaware that Dan's eyes were fixed on his ass. The thin fabric of his slacks accentuated the movement of those perfect globes as Jack walked. Dan unconsciously registered the fact that Jack was tall, muscular, near Dan's own age of forty-six, and had a full but neatly trimmed beard. (Dan loved facial hair.) He felt his cock stir again, demanding his attention as he returned to his seat. He managed to adjust his erection as he sat down.

The piano concerto was magnificent. The pianist was superb, and the first and third movements sparkled brilliantly. But the slow, romantic second movement pulled at Dan's heart and body. He looked to his right and found that Jack was again in another world. His hands gripping the armrests and his tears flowing freely. Jack turned his head and returned Dan's smile of acknowledgement of his emotional turmoil.

As the concert ended, the two men made their way through the crowd to the parking garage, occasionally bumping into each other and receiving a jolt. They found that they were parked fairly close to each other. They agreed to meet at Agora for an after-concert snack. Jack had heard of it but had never been there.

As he drove down Allen Parkway on his way to Agora, Jack wondered to himself what the hell he was doing. Meeting a total stranger for coffee? And after he had so obviously put his emotions on display? And those shocks! What was that all about?

Jack felt like an invisible whirlpool had captured him and pulled him in. But instead of fighting it, Jack came to the unexpected decision to toss caution to the winds and follow this . . . this whatever it was. No more holding back. He was going to ride this wave to wherever it took him.

~~~~~~~~~~

Two - Coffee and Conversation

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. - Maya Angelou

Dan arrived at Agora first and got a table in an out of the way corner. He wasn't sure why he did that, but something told him that Jack was a private man. He wanted them to be able to talk freely.

And those jolts, shocks, whatever they were. Dan had never experienced anything like that in his life. He had been with plenty of men, but nothing had ever drawn him toward another man like this. Who was this mysterious man who had pulled Dan into his orbit?

And Jack's gold wedding band mocked Dan. Dan had lived a very full sexual life, finding a man who attracted him and moving on to another after the wild sex. But this magnetic attraction that pulled him toward a man who was off limits? Dan didn't know what to think.

Jack came into the coffee house and Dan waved him over to their table. They placed their order for coffee and pastries and then fell silent.

After a few moments, Dan said, "I hope it's not impertinent, but doesn't your wife enjoy a good concert?"

A look of deep pain passed over Jack's face and Dan quickly said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that."

"No . . . no, it's all right, Dan," replied Jack. "I know my emotionalism during the concert must have confused you. You see, my wife died last year."

~~~~~~~~~~

Jack stood silent, a statue of grief. As he stared down into the grave at Karen's casket, his mind journeyed back to when they had first met.

It was in high school. Algebra Two. Karen captured Jack's attention the first day of class. The friendship forged that year grew stronger each day that passed. They both decided to attend the same college, Karen studying chemistry, Jack planning on becoming an accountant.

Then disaster struck during Jack's junior year. Both of his parents were killed in an plane crash. Being an only child, Jack had no other family, so Karen's family took him into their hearts and home. Karen was also an only child, and the bond between Jack and Karen grew stronger, so it was only natural for them to get married after college.

They came home to Houston and settled into a quiet life. Sean, their only son, was born during their second year of marriage. Karen's father owned Western Chemical, a small firm, but one highly respected in the field. She had worked for him for a while, but after Sean's birth, Karen decided to stay home and raise him, finding fulfillment as a mother and wife.

Karen's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and didn't make it. The loss hit them all very hard, and it was compounded a few years later when Karen's father succumbed to heart disease. Western Chemical was privately owned, so it passed to Karen after her father's death.

Then a few years later, Karen was diagnosed with liver cancer herself. The shock of it all, and the memory of how her mother had faced her battle, took a real toll on Karen. She was a fighter, though, but the years of chemo and radiation treatment, the ups and downs of remission and reappearance, were too much. Finally, Karen fell into a rapid decline.

Jack became a ghost of himself throughout all of this. He kept working because that was the only way to keep any sanity or stability in his life. His days became more and more a routine of waking Karen each morning to give her the required medication, getting some breakfast, leaving for work when the home care nurse arrived, calling Karen at lunch, coming home and fixing dinner, spending time with Karen and holding her as she shook with pain until she fell into a drugged sleep.

"Dad. Dad! It's time to go. Mom isn't hurting anymore."

Sean's voice pierced the fog and called Jack to the present, and he realized that his journey through his life with Karen had taken only a few moments. He shook his head to clear the mental haze and hugged Sean. He realized that he needed to hold himself together for his family. Jack turned and hugged Hannah, Sean's wife. He knelt and hugged his twin four-year-old grandsons, Cody and Connor. Then he took the hardest steps of his life, away from his lost wife, away from all he had known, into the void of loneliness.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan sat silent, amazed that this handsome man, a man he had just met, had trusted him enough to unburden himself of this story of pain and loss.

Jack also sat silent, his head sunk to his chest and his hands on the table where the coffee and pastries were barely touched. Absently, he touched his wedding ring, caressing it in memory of a life that was gone.

Impulsively, Dan laid his hands on Jack's hands and asked, "How did you get from that time of pain to sitting in Jones Hall at a Houston Symphony concert?"

Jack gripped Dan's hands and looked into Dan's eyes. He saw tears there as Dan entered into Jack's own sorrow. And there was a fire burning in the depths, something that drew Jack and made his heart beat a bit faster. He said, "It was my son, Sean, who got me out again. He said I had to start living again."

~~~~~~~~~~

Karen died in January, and as Jack was entering the busiest time of year for accountants, he was able to bury himself in his work. Working with numbers was so much easier than working with people. He continued to see Sean and his family regularly, but even with them he was more distant and aloof.

Jack sold his home and moved into an apartment in Katy. Anything to get away from the memories that haunted him in that house. His life became a routine of work and visits with his family. But Sean and Hannah were becoming more and more concerned about the father they loved so much. Even his grandsons seemed to sense that something was wrong with Grandpa. But Jack repeatedly assured them that he was doing fine. He knew he was lying to himself as much as to them.

A year passed, and Jack marked the anniversary of Karen's death by drowning himself in his work. Day by dreary day, Jack sank deeper into a life of denial.

One hot June evening, he was surprised by a knock on the door. He opened it to find Sean standing there with an unreadable expression.

"Dad, we need to talk."

They sat across from each other at the dining table, Jack expectant and Sean struggling to begin.

"Dad, Hannah and I are so worried about you. All you do is work and visit us, but when you're with us, you're not really there. Even the boys are asking questions about you."

"Sean, I know you mean well," said Jack, "but I'm okay, I'm doing fine. I'll be all right."

"But Dad, you need to start living again," said Sean. "You're only forty-eight and you have a lot of years ahead of you, years that can be real good for you. Besides," Sean blushed and continued, "I know that you and Mom had a deep physical love. Don't you miss that? Hell, I'm all nervous and worked up if I'm away from Hannah for a few days with work."

Jack was shocked. "Sean! How do you know what went on between me and your mother?"

"Well, let's just say that you were loud and the walls in the house were thin." Sean was grinning now. "I'm the same way. I think I've scared the boys a couple of times."

Now Jack was smiling himself, partly at the revelation of Sean's knowledge, partly in remembrance of the passionate lovemaking with Karen.

"Dad, at least try to get out more and do things. You can't just keep on barely existing."

Jack was silent for a moment. "Okay, Sean, I'll think about it. But I can only promise baby steps."

~~~~~~~~~~

"So, the first baby step I took, Dan, was to get season tickets for the symphony. It was someplace I could be with people and still be by myself at the same time."

"And here I am, messing that up for you," said Dan. He started to pull his hands away, but Jack just gripped them tighter than ever.

"Dan, I don't know why I told you all of this, but I felt like it was right. Damn it! I know it's right! This is the first time in years that I haven't felt like I was sinking into quicksand. And I know that you've been feeling these weird shocks or jolts or sparks or whatever they are whenever we've touched. I don't know what's going on, but I have to follow it to its end."

"Jack, Jack, I know you've started to feel your heart beating again, and I'm glad you feel yourself coming alive. But there's something you need to know about me. I'm . . . I'm gay."

Jack was silent for a few moments, then totally amazed them both when he said, "So what?"

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan stormed out of the house.

"I don't need your fucking money! I don't need your fucking approval! And I sure as hell don't fucking need you!"

It was the culmination of years of bitterness and resentment against his father. All the anger and hurt that Dan had internalized finally exploded.

All had been well in Dan's family when he was a child. Having no siblings, Dan was the center of loving attention from both of his parents. He was a bright student, physically active, especially in swimming, and busy with a circle of neighborhood and school friends.

Then his mother was killed in a car wreck when Dan was nine years old. She had been his angel, his main source of love and affection. His dad fell apart, drowning his grief in his work and in alcohol. He became more and more detached from Dan's life, eventually becoming verbally and even physically abusive. Dan became an expert at avoiding his father. When he did have to be with his dad, such as at meals, Dan felt lucky if it all happened in silence.

In high school, Dan realized that he was much more interested in the other boys on the swim team than in the cheerleaders. Even though this existed only as a fantasy world for him, Dan finally came to the conclusion that he was gay. It seemed perfectly natural to him, but from some comments he picked up on from his dad, he knew this had to be a carefully guarded secret. Dan made it through high school a virgin, but he knew who he was.

Once he graduated (his dad skipped the ceremony) as valedictorian, Dan headed off to college on a full academic and athletic scholarship. He majored in petroleum engineering, and his swim practices and meets, as well as his academic load, keep him very busy. He found in that activity the ability to forget about his dad. Eventually, even his mother faded from view, all dissolving into a vague sense of loss and sadness.

College life gave Dan freedoms that he had never known, and he took full advantage of it to explore his burgeoning sexuality. His body was firm and muscular, with a swimmer's broad shoulders, narrow waist, and strong legs. And his nine inches of uncut cock couldn't easily be kept hidden. When Dan walked across campus, he turned heads, male and female alike. He filled out his jeans fully, front and back.

Dan's explorations took him to adult video stores and gay bath houses. His cock was in demand, and he had many encounters with men eager to suck his cock or be fucked by such a magnificent piece of manhood. Dan became an expert cocksucker himself, and he gave full rein to his sexual appetite.

When he went home during holidays, he spent his time alone, avoiding his father as much as possible. The drunken verbal abuse from his dad was hard to take, but Dan tried to go his own way. His house became a place to sleep and occasionally eat. It was no longer a real home.

During spring break of his junior year, Dan was back in Houston, still exploring sexually. He walked out of an adult video arcade one day, just having had his cock sucked off by an expert, when he ran into his father, just coming out of a bar, obviously drunk.

"Well, Dan, I see you're keeping busy. Are you getting any pussy lately?" his father slurred with a malicious smirk.

Embarrassed by the public setting, Dan said quietly, "Dad, this isn't the time or place for this. I'll talk to you at home, when you're sober."

"You'd better not be playing with other men's dicks, boy! I won't have that!" shouted his dad.

Dan just walked away, humiliated and angry.

When he got home, he shut himself in his bedroom, trying to calm down and deal with his anger and frustration. Something had to give. He had to find a way to break free from the abuse. Finally, he headed downstairs to go out for a walk to cool off, hoping his father wouldn't even remember the drunken confrontation that afternoon.