The morning after I gave John a blow job in his truck, I walked into work a new man. I felt elated, excited, and more alive than I had in years. I knew things were changing for me, and the more I accepted it and digested it, the more I felt it was where I needed to be. I couldn't get him off my mind, not so much in the aspect that I was falling in love, but more in the aspect that after all this time of wanting a boyfriend, last night I had taken my first steps towards that.
A few hours into my day, I received a text from John. It was simple and short, but it spoke many words to me. His message read: "Good morning. I hope you have a great day." I was happy he sent it because it let me know he was thinking of me, just as much as I was thinking about him. As I sat and read it starring at my phone's screen, my left had slid below my desk and onto my crotch where I was softly and slowly rubbing over my dick, not to masturbate, but to get even more excited about him, about homosexuality and about where my life was heading. And I tell you between that message, my excitement, the thoughts of last night, and my fingers, my dick got fully erect in my pants.
Unfortunately, between his schedule, my schedule, his time at home, our separate summer sports leagues we were on, work, and other time-committing issues, I could not see him until the following Thursday night. As much as it sucked not being able to see him sooner, that two-week wait was well worth it. Because during that time, it gave me the chance to think more, digest my life change, and accept even more the person I was becoming. To truly understand and accept that the person I was interested in had a dick, and that made me desire time alone with him.
Through it all, even pre-John, there were some stressful nights of internal conflicts with myself. One day I would feel as if I was done trying to "be gay," and that I needed to go back to women, and find a partner like Claire, who could fuck me on occasion and liked anal sex. But then there were days where the mere thought of even seeing a pussy again was intolerable. I was surely torn, but deep inside I knew; or at least I believed I needed a man. I needed a boyfriend. I needed to experience love between two men. To have nothing but dick, whether I was the one fucking, or being fucked; or both. Either way, I needed that.
Sometimes I would stand in front of my mirror and try to visualize myself captured in a photograph with my boyfriend next to me. As if we had just posed for a picture at a party. Other times, I'd visualize those same thoughts with a girlfriend. Other times I'd stand and wonder what I would look like if I transitioned to a woman. What I might look like if I had breasts and long hair and was wearing a skirt and high heels? I wanted to see the real depth of me. I wanted to see if I felt more comfortable visualizing that man next to me, or with a woman. Truth be told, I felt more comfortable snapping that imaginary picture with my boyfriend, than I did with a female. As time went on, during and even after Claire, I was starting to feel very submissive, very feminine, and very sure that I was going to be the one receiving dick, instead of giving it. And truthfully, as hard as it was to swallow (no pun intended) I felt comfortable accepting that.
The more John and I texted, the more we shared, the more I got to know him, the better I felt about this situation. I knew, or at least believed it could be very complicated, but I was also willing to put the effort into it; as long as I wasn't some play toy. I needed to feel he was just as much involved and interested as I was. I didn't want to be a mark on the bedpost, but I also didn't expect him to leave Paul. It was in essence, the first chance I got to start dating a man and see where my real feelings and desires lay.
Throughout our conversations, since we had oral sex in his car, John and I were trying to find a day we could see each other again. We finally found a day where neither of us had anything going, so we made plans to see each other Thursday night. This time there were no extravagant plans, no meeting at a bar, and no dinner beforehand, we just agreed to meet at my house after dinner. He wanted to get home eat, check on Paul and then slip out to come see me and I couldn't have been more excited knowing he was coming by. This was our chance for us to be together. I knew what was coming, I was no fool, he wanted alone time with me and I was more than willing to spend some alone time with him. I was nervous, excited, and feeling timid because even if we sat for a while and were being romantic, in the end, his dick was coming out and so was mine.
When my doorbell rang, and I got up off the couch to go greet him, my stomach was doing flips. All the nervousness and anticipation hit home. My hands were lightly shaking as I reached for the doorknob, pulling the door open to see him standing outside of my screen door. I unlocked the screen and John stepped in. After I closed the doors, we embraced as we said hello. It was still an awkward feeling to be hugging a love interest who was all man, who had a dick, and was surely as masculine as I was. But I was happy he was there and coming by to spend time with me.
We sat on my couch for a while, sipping beers and talking about our lives over the past few weeks. Work, friends, our leagues, our daily bump and grind. John was very polite, he didn't walk in expecting a blow job, or insinuate some booty call moment. He was kind and gentle, was very responsive to our conversations, and didn't even push any form of sexuality. The more we talked, the more we laughed, the more we sat and just let our fears go, the more comfortable I began to feel.
As we talked, I found myself staring at his face and his mouth more than I would have believed I would. I was in tune with what he was saying, and I was listening, but occasionally my mind would slip off into the memories of sucking his dick in his truck. How I wish I could have seen his face as my mouth was bobbing up and down on his cock. How I could still visualize his dick in my mouth and in my hands. And more importantly, how badly I wanted to do that again. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to know how much I was growing fond of him. Yet, I wanted him to be the aggressor and kiss me. To seduce me. As much as I wanted him to be romantic and make this memorable, soft, and loving, there were minutes during that time, when I wanted him to pull his dick out and tell me to "suck it." It was a very odd and unusual thought process for me at that moment.
About an hour after John arrived, he hadn't made any moves to sleep with me. We had held hands and had leaned into each other once or twice, but still, there was no push to have sex. I was ready. I needed to be with him. I felt feelings and emotions I hadn't in a while and truthfully, I wanted to be on my knees sucking his dick, hoping he'd want to fuck me.
I gathered up my courage and climbed up on top of John's lap. I think he was surprised I had taken the first step. We softly spoke as I sat on top of his legs until we both made the move to kiss one another. It was still such a weird feeling kissing a man because I could feel the hair from his goatee along the outside of my mouth. But the more we kissed, broke apart, had small talk, smiled, and dove back in for another deep kiss the more relaxed I felt.
I was horny, there was no doubt, almost two weeks after sucking his dick, without any other dick to play with was stressful. I needed to feel his hard dick in my hand I needed him to be begging me to suck it. To put it in my mouth and to give him a good, hard, deep blow job. I reached my hand down in between us, sliding it over his crotch. I could feel his dick, rock hard in his pants, neatly tucked away waiting to be played with. My dick was just as hard in my pants and for the first time with someone like him, my ass was throbbing like it used to be during foreplay when I knew Claire was going to fuck me.
I fumbled around for a bit and managed to get his belt open, his pants unbuttoned, and slid his zipper down. I reached into his underwear at a weird angle but managed to get my hand deep enough to find his erect dick. I wrapped my hand around it and slowly started pulling on him. Trying to lightly jack him off. John moaned and groaned through our kisses and when I knew he was good and ready, I slid myself off of his lap and down between his legs.
