I'll start this off with a confession. I've been bicurious for over 15 years. It's always been my dirty little secret which still surprises me because, strangely enough, I've never felt any attraction to men. I've never looked at a guy and thought, "He's hot," or "I'd like to fuck him." But that all changes when I see a hard cock. There's something about it that flips a switch in my head that makes me go yes please, and that's where my fascination lies.
I don't even know how or when it started. If I had to guess, it's probably stemmed from the countless hours of porn I've watched over the years, seeing so many women being ravaged by a guy with a big cock, getting so much pleasure from it, something about it must have left an impression on me. Or I could just be talking shit and really, I'm just in denial.
Either way at some point, the focus shifted. It wasn't just about watching a man and a woman fuck anymore. I started wondering what it would feel like to be on the other side of that. At first it wasn't necessarily to be with a man, but to experience submitting myself to someone who'd dominate me firsthand. It's a strange fascination, one that seemed to creep up on me, without me even realising it.
I had the opportunity to explore my curiosity very early on in my obsession, but fear got the better of me and I bottled it. I'd met a guy online, and after chatting for a while, we decided to meet up. I remember driving about an hour to where he lives, my mind racing and heart pounding the entire way.
When I picked him up, we made small talk as we drove around, but I could barely focus, my head was all over the place as my nerves crumbled. He wasn't a bad-looking guy. Just under six feet tall, slim, with shaved dark hair that matched mine. He wore glasses, which made him look like a bit of a nerd but other than that he seemed normal. There was nothing intimidating about him, I remember thinking that if things went wrong that I'd easily kick his ass, but nothing about him set off any alarm bells or made me second-guess what I was doing.
Then he asked me back to his house. The closer we got, the more my heart pounded in my chest and the more unsure I was to if I could go through with it. By the time we pulled into the carpark outside his apartment block, I was completely paralyzed. He took off his seatbelt, but as he opened the car door, I couldn't move. My hands were glued to the steering wheel, my eyes locked forward like a deer caught in headlights. Then in total panic I blurted out that I couldn't do it.
It wasn't that I didn't want to do it. For me it was the, oh shit this is it! That threw me. He was fine about it. He just nodded, said "Okay," shook my hand, and got out of the car.
For fifteen years now, I've thought about that night, replaying it over and over in my head, wondering what would've happened if I'd just gone inside. What would it have been like? Would I have enjoyed it? Would I have done it again?
Since then, I've had several relationships, but the obsession never went away. It's always been there in the back of my mind, usually manifesting itself whenever I'm bored, lonely or horny.
I have experimented though. I have a secret stash of toys that I use whenever I'm in the house alone, sometimes even when I'm not. Mostly butt plugs but I do have a couple dildos. I'm no size queen, but over the years I've slowly worked my way up to a fairly large plug. I've also dabbled in a little anal play with some of my partners, but never gone beyond that. It's mostly something I tend to keep to myself
Except for those nights when I've had a drink or two, and my curiosity and horniness bubbles over and, I'll log onto a gay chatroom, strike up a conversation with some guy. Most conversations fizzle out, but some don't and before long, I find myself on webcam, legs spread, fucking myself while he watches me and strokes himself. It's one of those things that when I'm in the moment I absolutely love but as soon as I've cum and I close my webcam I'm always conflicted.
Now, at thirty-eight, I've pretty much accepted that my fantasy will always be just that. I'm 5'10", I work out and have a fairly toned body with decent muscle definition, and I'd say I'm fairly good looking. But still, there's a small part of me that refuses to accept that it's never going to happen.
Recently, I found myself single again but not by choice. I came home from work one evening, planning to unwind the way I usually did when I had the place to myself, watching some porn and taking care of myself. Her laptop was already on the couch, so I decided to use it instead of grabbing my own.
I opened the browser and her Facebook profile popped up. I didn't think much of it at first, but then her messages popped up, the first of which was from a guy named Ian, who was someone I didn't know, saying, "Hey babe."
I sat there staring at the screen for a second, wondering if this was some kind of misunderstanding or a joke. But before I could process what I'd just read the next message, this time from someone I knew very well. One of my best friends, Mark saying "Hey sexy."
At first, I thought it was some sort of a joke, but deep down I already knew. My hands were shaking so much I could barely use the touch pad to click on Mark's message.
As I scrolled through my fear turned into reality. The messages just went on and on. Some flirty, some suggestive, pictures he sent her and pictures she'd sent him. And finally, the messages of them arranging to meet up, always when I'm at work or at the gym and almost exclusively in my own house. I couldn't believe it, I wanted to smash the place up and almost did but I had something to do first.
I clicked to open the messages from Ian and found much of the same and more. I thought about posting everything to show everyone she knew all the dick pics and every picture of her tits and vagina. But eventually, calmer heads prevailed.
Instead, I sat there and typed out a new status. 'Just so everyone knows I'm no longer in a relationship with Simon. I've been caught fucking Ian Crossland and Mark Johnson behind his back. Anyone that wants a pic of Ian or Marks shrivelled penises drop me a DM I have loads. You can also have all the pictures of my saggy tits and pussy if you like. My pussy looks like day old deli meat but I don't mind apparently, I'm happy to share'.
I posted the status and sit back looking at the screen as my hands tremble over the keyboard. Within a minute my phone starts ringing and messages start coming in through messenger and my phone. Almost everyone someone either convinced that she'd been hacked and or showing me with their support.
Just nine minutes later she burst through the front door, with tears already streaming down her face, begging and pleading with me. She tried to explain, to downplay it, but there was no coming back for her. I didn't let her stay long. I threw her clothes in a few plastic bags and kicked her out.
Within days my little secret came back in a big way. Friday night comes around and after work I go to a friend's house for a few hours, before heading home a little after eight.
As soon as I get home, I can feel the excitement bubbling away inside my stomach. All I want to do is have a drink, go online and spread my legs for some guy and have fun he watches me fuck myself silly with my biggest dildo. So, without wasting any time, I grab my shower head douche and a little lube, then head straight for the shower.
Less than an hour later I'm at my computer ready to start, I crack open a bottle of beer and log into the gay chatroom I usually visit. But something tonight feels different. As I fill in my username, something pushes me to do something I've never done before. For the first time ever, I add my location at the end. It's a small thing but I can't help but feel a thrill, knowing someone close by might see it and message me.
The site is chaotic as always, filled with bots spamming nonsense every second, as the screen scrolls at a million miles an hour, but it's something I've gotten used to. I decide the best thing to do is put myself out there and see who comes knocking.
I take a drink from my bottle and type out my details: 38, M, and my location, followed by a simple, "Anyone want to chat?" Then I hit enter. My message appears in the chat but almost instantly disappears lost among all the bots, subs asking for someone to take over their computer and copious amounts of ass and dick pics which is probably mostly just bots too.
I give it a few minutes as I watch the chat intently, my eyes scanning the blur of messages while scrolling through the user list hoping to see if anyone else has put a location in their username who's nearby. The endless stream of spam makes it hard to focus, and my impatience quickly starts to wear thin.
After a few more minutes of waiting, I grow tired of the silence. I type the same message again and hit enter. This time there's a brief lull in activity and my message stays on the screen a little longer and I go back to scrolling through the users, my pulse quickening slightly as I wait.
Suddenly, I hear the beep sound, followed by a red dot appearing over the envelope icon in the corner. My heart skips a beat as I quickly click on the message, only to be greeted by what is obviously spam. I roll my eyes and close it, annoyed but not surprised.
As I return to the main chat, the notification sounds again. This time, the username catches my eye: Wetherby42. I know Wetherby well and it's a place I go with my friends all the time and it's only about forty or so minutes away by car, which seems a little far at this time of night but it's an option for the future.
I open the message, and it's short and to the point: "Hi there. What are you looking for?"
I stare at the screen for a moment, my mind racing as I contemplate how to respond. After a few seconds, I decide to keep it simple but direct. I start typing.
