I Love New Yor

Hey guys! Chapter six of ILNY, cutting very, very close to the end of the series! Devon is pretty much on an emotional roller coaster between the guilt he feels with Gavin and his euphoria when he's with Kayden, and I try to make that clear in this chapter. I want to give a massive thanks to cannd, who left a SUPER inspiring comment on chapter four, parts of which inspired some of Devon's dialogue in this chapter.

Also, I'm getting a lot of suggestions on Gavin's HEA, and some of them are very creative. Thank you for them, and keep the feedback coming. I'm not sure yet when I'll be writing his HEA, because I think I may take a break from the gay male cat for a while and work on a story for ILNY's own Cassidee. Still haven't made any decisions on that yet. I'll be sure to keep you posted!

Anywhore, I'll stop rambling now. Enjoy.

~PeterPanics

*****

"How are you even going to find him, Devon? There must be hundreds of people in there." Kayden bleated, his eyes wide.

"I know he's in there. This is where everything started to go downhill for me and him." I murmured, my eyes fixed on the warehouse. The sound of thudding bass from inside reverberated in the car and gave rise to an anxious knot in my stomach.

"Please don't go." Kayden whined. He pushed across the center console and crawled onto my lap, ignoring the sounds of honking behind us. His crappy Toyota blocked the traffic into the parking area of the warehouse, and pissy ravers made no effort to hide their distaste.

With the way he was nuzzled into my throat, I imagine that Kayden didn't give two fucks about making the party-goers wait.

"Please just let him go. Let him party and drink you off. Please don't go in there." He groaned, his breath hot on my neck.

"It's the right thing to do." I said aloud, more reminding myself than answering Kayden.

Kayden straightened out, holding my face in his hands.

"Just... Don't let him touch you, okay? You're finally..." His voice trailed off.

"Tell me." I warned, ignoring his pouty lips and the little line that formed between his eyes when he was worried.

"It's just... we are finally together, Devon. And... Gavin is in love with you, whether your in love with him or not. I just don't want to lose you when I just got you."

I managed to smile at him through the sick feeling in my stomach; his words making me itch all over.

"You worry too much." I scoffed, running my hands through my hair.

He leaned forward, kissed my forehead softly, and hoisted himself back into the drivers seat.

"Go get him." He breathed, not taking his eyes from the wheel.

*****

Deep, heavy bass echoed around raving bodies, slick with sweat and all the lovely bodily fluids excreted when strangers grind against each other to thudding happy hardcore. Alcohol was being poured and slammed all around, the Kandi kids stepping in time to light dancing off of them.

Kayden was right. I was never going to be able to find him.

Girls wearing close to nothing with lime green hair that glowed beneath the black lights found my hands.

I don't want to dance.

I want to find Gavin.

I want to get him home.

I want my boyfriend.

I don't want to dance.

The debauchery of iced out girls around me was laughable. Tiny skirts and lollipops did little to distract from pupils the size of olives. Couples busied themselves grinding against each other and slinging back Patron.

One of the flirting girls who had her ass planted against my crotch smiled at me, and I realized I'd seen her face the last time I'd been here to rave.

I tapped her shoulder, begging for her attention. She glanced back at me, her jaw clenched around a pacifier, her eyes wide with ecstasy.

I leaned in close to her ear, and at the top of my voice I yelled, "Have you seen my friend?"

Her smile spread quickly, and her tiny hand slipped around mine and she began to dance through people, darting in and out of weaving bodies, dragging me behind her.

There he was.

He had a drink in one hand, a blonde in the other, her lips against his chest. His body swayed with each beat the DJ dropped, his dreads dancing around him. The lights cascaded around his bare torso, bathing him in laser color.

Gavin. You idiot. I knew you'd be here.

I ducked in and out of racy dancers, closer to the boy on the dance floor, finding his wrist in the dark chaos.

His head snapped to me, his eyes alive. The sharp lines of his face softened when he recognized me, and with a quick maneuver he was in front of me, shrugging off the blonde clinging to him. I couldn't hear him over the fast beats around us, but I could see the way his mouth moved.

How the fuck did you find me?

The pit in my stomach was now a fucking boulder, and Gavin's gaping mouth wasn't helping.

Instead of facing him with the guilt so clear on my face, I turned quickly and began to drag him from the dance floor.

*****

Outside, the air was cold, but Gavin was alive with rage.

"Why are you here?" he spat, leaning against the side of the building for support.

"Because you shouldn't be here."

"I'm having a good time." He snorted.

"Oh? You could have fooled me, Gav. Having fun with all that Vodka and that skanky broad in there?"

"Her name is Fiona. And her hand jobs are amazing." He chortled, taking a huge pull from the glass in his hand.

I raised an eyebrow, fighting the cup from his palm. He was insanely drunk.

He smiled a very sick, drunk smile, and finally met my eyes. "I was going to take her home-" He hiccupped and continued, "And I was going to fuck her. Like... fuck her until she begged me to stop." He coughed on the last words, his smile not fading. "I was going to fuck her, Devon. Like an animal." He let a tiny laugh escape his lips, and tried to prop himself up, but stumbled and slid down to the pavement. His eyes fell to the laces on my sneakers, and his smile slowly disappeared.

"I wanted to fuck her. I thought maybe if I just closed my eyes for a little while, maybe, maybe... I could pretend she was you." He said slowly.

The words ripped at my chest, leaving me hollow and aching. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling like I was holding myself together, the guilt in my stomach spreading across my skin in a dizzyingly sick way, his words burning into my mind.

I felt the first tear slide down my cheek.

"I'm a faggot, aren't I, Devon? I mean... I fucked you. I loved you. That makes me a fucking faggot, right?"

I could only stand there, in the haze of the milky streetlights, and hold myself together. There was nothing I could say.

"I don't want to be a queer." He whined, reaching up to rub his eyes with a lazy hand. "I just want to be with you, Dev. I want to hold you. I want you to look at me the way you look at him." He slurred, his tired eyes locked on mine.

"What did I do wrong, Devon? Why is Kayden so much better than me? Why wont you look at me that way?"

All I wanted was to walk away. I wanted to follow the streetlights back to California, back home, back far away from Gavin and Kayden and away from everything that made me feel so empty.

I watched Gavin's face contort with anger, and pain, and his eyes didn't leave mine when his tears came.

"I'm so sorry Gavin." I managed to mumble, somehow finding my voice over the lump in my throat.

"FUCK YOU." He yelled, trying to get up off the pavement. "I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOU ARE A SELFISH ASS, DEVON!" He bellowed. He stumbled over the curb toward me, his bloodshot eyes dripping with tears. "I-I... I just hate you." He finally whispered, falling down again at my feet.

I wiped the last of my tears away from my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt, and then leaned down to help my best friend off the pavement.

He stood up shakily, his body rolling with sobs.

It's my entire fault.

He is like this because of me.

I broke his heart.

I am his Lucas.

Under the streetlights, I held him to me, shushing his sobs. I pet his dreads slowly, ignoring the stench of alcohol that radiated from him. Hugging him didn't feel natural. Nothing about holding him felt as easy as when I held Kayden, and realizing that made it all suck even more.

"I want to go home, Dev."

"Me too." I whispered.

*****

"How did you find him?" Cassidee asked quietly, closing Gavin's bedroom door.

"I knew he would be there. It's where I would be." I shrugged.

She eyed Kayden, who had propped himself against the doorframe, stifiling his yawn with the back of his hand. It had been a long day for both of us.

I was exhausted. My body was sore all over from guilt, my hands shook with the anger at myself by my sides.

Without breathing a word, Cassidee wrapped her arms around my waist and lay her head on my chest.

"I love you, Devon." She reminded me.

I sighed, petting her hair. I knew she was there for me. I knew she would let me sit with her, and tell her every last emotion and reason behind it, and I knew she would tell me it was okay.

It wasn't okay, though.

Gavin was in aching heartbreak

because of me.

Nothing made me feel shittier. I'd been there. I'd cried over boys that never wanted me the way I wanted them. I'd felt the rejection fizzle in my veins when I was told that he would never love me.

And I was the monster that was telling Gavin I didn't want him.

*****

"You haven't spoken to me since we dropped him off." Kayden breathed, his hand reaching out to stop my fingers on my fretboard.

"I don't have anything to say." I managed, shaking him off and finding the strings again.

"Please don't do this, Devon." He pleaded, sliding beside me on his bed and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I'm not doing anything." I mumbled, letting him lay his head on my shoulder as my fingers drifted over the guitar on my lap.

"You're beating yourself up, Dev. I've seen you do it before."

"Last I checked, all I was doing was playing music."

"Like, the most depressing song known to man."

"No. He is we, "Radio". There are much, much more depressing songs. That one Eric Clapton did about his son? This is like, the barney theme song compared to that."

"Stop being a smart ass and talk to me." He frowned.

"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to play." I told him quietly, clenching my pick in my palm.

He hung his head, but he was quiet, and I took advantage of it. I closed my eyes and let my fingers guide me to each chord, sweet notes echoing around the cluttered bedroom.

He'd brought me here after we took Gavin back to his apartment, and when he had gone downstairs to lock up the café, I had collapsed in his bed and brought my guitar out of its case.

The ache in my chest throbbed uncomfortably. Guilt came at me in waves, each string making it settle deeper. Kayden was quiet, his wide eyes stunning in the dim light of his bedroom.

He watched my fingers as I played, his eyes filled with wonder and fascination. What came as naturally as breathing to me was foreign, and wonderful to him.

The way he frowned at my cover made me ache all over, and my fingers felt heavy.

I sighed. "Do you want me to play something for you?" I asked quietly, letting my hands stop and the room fall silent.

"Sing to me."

I sighed, glancing over at his perfect face, so close to mine. The ache in my chest burned when I met his beautiful eyes.

I just want him to smile for me...

I found my mark a few notes lower than the actual song, and began my cover of "Radio" over again, knowing that Kayden wanted something pretty.

I knew he loved when I sang, and to be honest, I didn't do it often. With all of the time we'd been spending together, he'd heard my greatest hits every time I got in the shower. I always saw myself as a musician, never a singer or vocalist, but I sang because it was what my mom had always loved for me to do.

"

He grew up just a little too fast,

Lost his needs and it's on his past...

I can hear him humming from the other side of the room...

I guess he's got rhythm, because he hums every time he's blue..."

I sang quietly, fingers quickly dancing across the strings.

His face lit up, and he slid from the bed, holding his hands to his smile.

There it is. Oh god, it is so beautiful when he smiles.

He hummed along to the song, his body swaying with each note, his dancers' body reacting almost immediately.

I sang each slow note with eyes closed, feeling my own deep voice echo through his bedroom.

"Radio... bleed me a melody,

That will make this boy cry...

Radio...bleed me a melody,

That will make him wonder why he was so cold."

I opened my eyes to the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

The dim light from the strings of twinkle lights Kayden had wound around his bedposts and twining up the iron bars of his headboard caught the light in his eyes, and when he slinked to the middle of the room, I could see the smile I so desperately needed to see. His lean body began to spin perfectly, stretching in long, graceful movements across the floor. His strong body moved so perfectly, the long tattoo on his side dancing with him, his long hair falling into his eyes and around his face.

I was awestruck.

My chest ached even more at the sight of him dancing, the happiness on his face so unbelievably attractive.

The song ended too quickly. I would've played that guitar until my fingers bled just to see him dance that way.

He glided back over to me, his hands on my shoulders. He was so strong, so solid, that I just wanted him to make it all better. His hands slid down my chest, the throbbing pain within it subsiding, and lay his head on my shoulder.

I stared at the six string in my lap wordlessly.

"Gavin is in love with me." I finally breathed.

"Yes he is." Kayden agreed quietly, kissing my cheek softly.

"Why is it... why is it that I can believe that I am someone

good

and

deserving

of love when at the same time, I'm ruining someone else? I try so hard to make everything okay, and in the end, right when I think I'm doing something right for the first time EVER, I go and mess things up again."

I hung my head, because I didn't want Kayden to see the silvery tear that trailed down my cheek.

Coward.

He was quiet for a long time.

When he spoke, his voice was quiet, and soft.

"Devon, you are

good

. You

deserve

love. You're only human, though. You make mistakes, you break hearts, and you fall in love. Gavin is a big boy. It's going to hurt him for a while, and things may never be the same...but you have to stop blaming yourself for him falling in love with you."

"But it IS my fault. I slept with him. I led him on."

"He's been in love with you since the moment he first saw you, Devon. I can see it in his eyes." Kayden whispered. "His heart was with you the minute you walked in his door."

The throbbing in my chest faltered.

"This is life, Dev, baby. It sucks sometimes, but we all survive through it. You are so strong and so beautiful... and you will get through it. It's so much prettier on the other side, babe. Votre parfaite, bébé, et vous avez un monde de possibilités." He promised. His soft French was enough to stop the tearing in my stomach. "Gavin will get better, and so will you. Please, please stop tearing yourself over it, baby. It can only go up from here."

As the heavy low lifted from my shoulders, I felt the ache in my chest subside. He kissed me softly, the taste of his lips resonating within me like a drug.

"Let me hold you." He whispered, gentle fingertips combing my hair from my face.

My guitar slid to the floor and he wound his arms around me, his wide eyes meeting mine.

For a second, I remembered the days so many months ago when this moment would've been untouchable. When I could've laughed at the idea of starting to fall in love with Kayden Spark. Here I was now, memorizing the colors of his eyes in his bed.

There was no turning back now.

*****

Days passed quickly, with no end in sight. November rains in New York brought the chill of winter and the magic of the holidays to New York City.

Kayden and I were busy as ever with the ballet, Kayden sometimes pulling five different classes in the same day and still holding down his full time job. I worked six hours a day with the orchestra, then two more hours playing piano at the café. We often met up after our crazy days and spent the night at each others place, more often his than mine because it was closer. By then though, we were both too tired to do the proper things boyfriends do, so instead of fucking like bunnies in heat, we were stealing kisses and falling asleep.

Things were achingly slowly getting better with Gavin. We didn't see each other often, but when we did, we were both painfully polite. Like strangers. It killed me, but Kayden reassured me it would just take time.

The whiplash of back and forth emotions was subsiding, and it was so relieving.

The morning that Kayden woke me up, I had almost forgotten the date.

Almost.

*****

"Okay, so where is my mom from again?" Kayden asked, watching the road carefully. Frost decorated the windshield, his windshield wipers desperately tried to defrost the glass. It wasn't necessary; Kayden was one of the best drivers I knew.

"Winnipeg?" I said, grimacing at the more-than-likely-incorrect answer.

"No, my dad is from Winnipeg. My mom is from Ottawa." He scoffed, the little line between his eyes becoming more prominent.

"I am a fail." I mumbled, sipping my coffee.

"It'll be fine. I guess I'm just nervous. It's been a long time since I've brought home a guy like you."

"Like me?" I asked, tracing the rim of my Styrofoam cup with my finger.

He smiled, hiding it in his oversized caramel-colored Cardigan. I loved the color against his striking eyes. His tight white V neck beneath was almost hidden entirely by a dark scarf.

"Like you. Someone I've been so... crazy about."

"Aww." I cooed playfully. "Are you crazy about me?"

"Certified insane." He laughed. He took the curves of the road as gracefully as he did when he was dancing.

"Do they even have Thanksgiving in Canada?" I asked, watching the whirl of green forest blur outside my window.

"No, but when my parents moved to the states, they picked up all the holidays." He laughed. "And I told my mom this would be your first proper thanksgiving in a long time, so she's bound to go all out on dinner and decorations."

I laughed, smoothing out my jeans and setting my coffee down in his cup holder.

"I'm surprised you don't sound Canadian even though you grew up with two full Canadian parents." I thought aloud.

He shrugged. "I was born here in the states, so I heard the right way to talk in school and such. And my parents speak more French than English, so I would always just listen to them speak French. My sisters hardly know the language."

I grinned at him, because I loved his French. I couldn't ever understand it, but he only used it at good times, so I knew I was doing something right.

His hand slid into mine, expertly managing the wheel with the other. I was envious of how perfectly he could do just about anything.

"Is there anything your horrible at?" I blurted.

He smiled. "Not a big sports guy. Not much of a musician," he shrugged. "I guess opposites attract."

I laughed at him. "You kind of suck, you know?"

"Only in the good way." He said, purring playfully, his hand sliding from mine and onto my thigh. His slow, deliberate circles were hardly innocent and only succeeded in turning me on even more.