I Won't Desert You

"He won't ever see again, there's nothing we can do, his eyes are too damaged. His only hope is a cornea transplant and there is a short list of people who can donate. It will take a while to get a donor."

The doctor's words rang inside my head, echoing and swirling around like bees. It was my fault. I was the reason he was blind. The reason he's now alone in the dark. If he hadn't saved me, this wouldn't have happened.

It should have been me. I grabbed my head as pain shot through it. The words repeated themselves over and over. It should have been me. It should have been me. It should have been me. I deserved this headache and more.

Let me go back to the beginning and maybe you will understand this situation and why I deserve so much more. It all started when my twin brother, Jordan, brought him home. From the first moment, I hadn't been able to take my eyes from him.

I still can't. He's beautiful. But he and Jordan were in love. I shouldn't have been surprised about that. He would want the more outgoing, fun and prettier twin. I didn't hold it against either him or Jordan.

I am the washed out version of my younger brother even if we are identical physically. Besides that is just another thing we shared, Jordan and I, we are both gay. And we both fell in love with the same guy. The only difference is that Jordan got him, not me.

His name is Cadeon, Cadeon Band. We are complete opposites, him and I, not only in personality but physically also. He is bigger than me in a lot of different ways. I stand at 5' 7", while he is 6' 2".

I am built like a runner. He looks like a bear. But a handsome bear. His hair is black and he has goatee that makes him look even more masculine. My hair is a pale blonde, almost a white. His eyes are a golden color that warms easily.

Pain shot through my head and heart at the thought of never seeing his golden eyes warm again. My eyes are a blue that people always tell me look so cold. Even our skin tones are different. His a golden tan and mine a pale easily burnt cream.

But that hadn't stopped me from falling in love with him.

At least my brother's personality is similar to his. Jordan and Cadeon are easy-going, fun to be around, always friendly, and all around great people. They are my two favorite people in my life.

If anyone had ever deserved each other it was those two. That was why it hurt less. If my brother had him, at least I got to see him then. And now because of one move on my part they both are hurting so badly. My head fell into my hands as I shuddered.

All my fault. It should have been me.

"Jayden, I can't," Jordan said beside me.

I turned and looked at him, in my grief not understanding him. He had a scared look in his eyes. Unease shot through me breaking the guilt for a moment. I recognized that look, have seen it so many times when things got rough, he was getting ready to run.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, hoping I was wrong. Even as I knew in my deepest feelings that I wasn't ever wrong.

He turned towards me and tears welled in his eyes. My twin was in pain and it was my fault. My heart clenched in double pain, my own and my twin's. But, I realized that I, as usual, was never wrong about reading my twin.

"I can't deal with this, tell him I'm sorry but I just...can't. I can't...," Jordan turned and ran out of the hospital room.

I watched him go with wide eyes. He had left. Just like I thought. For the first time in my life, I wished I hadn't been right. My head went down again as I realized that my brother had just left Cadeon. Alone.

All my fault, I should be dead right now instead of causing the people I love pain. Even they would have been hurt at my passing, they would have had each other. Cadeon had saved me from a run-away car, while we had been getting something for a friend's birthday.

We had all just been window-shopping while Jordan got us all something to eat. If he had been there I would have gotten killed but they both would be fine. Cadeon would have saved Jordan and been safe. Only I would have gotten hurt. Only I would have been killed instead of causing pain.

The people driving the car had lost control and the car had swerved. Cadeon had grabbed me and at the same time had put himself in the path of the car. It had hit him and he had hit the store window behind us. He had went through it.

The glass from the windows had scratched him all up. He had also had the back of his neck, shoulders and all down his back scratched up pretty bad too. His entire back half was going to be covered in scars. But in the process he had landed face down in the glass, scratching his eyes up horribly. His face had some scars that would fade over time because they weren't as deep as the ones in his back. And it was all my fault.

The doctor had said that he was lucky the glass had not cut a major artery, or gotten lodged in his spinal cord and that he hadn't bleed out. All he got was some scars and loss of vision. My headache worsened.

He probably wished he was dead though or that I was the one lying in the bed. Even more so when I had tell him that Jordan had ran away. It would break what was left of his spirit and heart. And that would hurt me, him and Jordan. At least it would when he got back from running from his pain.

I leaned against the wall and slid down until I hit the floor. Setting my head on my knees I let go and cried like I hadn't for the last year and a half. Since he had walked into our lives.

***

I watched him sleep in the white hospital bed. The chair was uncomfortable, but I wasn't complaining. He looked so at peace, if you ignored the bandages covering half his face and his naked torso. And the bandages swathing his neck.

I reached over and brushed aside a lock of his hair that had fallen over his covered eyes. Then I pulled back, full of guilt and disgust at myself. Tears welled up but I pushed them back. I wouldn't cry again, I was stronger than that. I know I was. Or at least I had been.

Cadeon's hand grabbed at the air, shocking me. He reached over for me but I had pushed the chair to far back to be reached from the bed.

"Jordan? Are you there? Is this a dream again? Please, if you're there, come here. Please."

His voice was scared and full of tears. It hurt my heart to see this once strong man brought down to the level of begging. He sat up, wincing and groaning as he pulled at his still healing wounds. I was about to stop him when he threw his legs over the side and reached both hands out. He was trying to find me, no, he was trying to find Jordan.

He only tried that for a few seconds before he gave up and slumped forward. "It was a dream, another god damn dream."

My heart broke. And my will to stay quiet snapped.

"I'm here. It's not a dream. I am here for you."

His head snapped towards my voice. I hadn't realized that I had stood up and was coming towards him.

"Jordan?"

I winced at my twin's name, but continued the charade. I hadn't realized either that our voices were so similar. But then we are twins, even if I am the duller one. I should be, as children and even now we took each other's place all the time. Only Cadeon had ever been able to tell us apart, at least before the accident, the time he could see us.

"Yes? I am here."

"Please come here. I need you, please."

The last of my strength drained away at his heartbroken words. And my resolve tightened. If he wanted Jordan, then that is what he would get. Even if it was a substitute Jordan.

"I'm here. Don't worry."

I walked over to him and he curled his arms around my waist. My eyes slid shut as his body started shuddering. Guilt shot through me at my feelings of happiness. I was finally in his arms, but he thought I was Jordan and he was injured on my behalf. I was a horrible person, definitely bound for Hell whenever I die.

"Where were you?"

"I'm sorry. I had to talk to Jayden."

His body stiffened at my name and despair hardened my heart. I wasn't Jordan. I was Jayden and I had better remember that. He pulled back and let himself fall back onto the bed. I pulled the sheet over his bare legs, making a point not to look. The hospital gown had ridden up some and most of his thighs were bare to the world.

"I-is he okay?"

"Yes. And he's grateful you saved his life."

"Can you not..let him in here please?"

"Do you blame him?"

"No..I know it wasn't his fault and it was my choice to save him. I won't regret that or blame him for my actions. But...I just can't interact with him right now, okay?"

Relief coursed through me even as tears threatened. With Jordan gone and Cadeon not wanting to talk to Jayden, my deceit wouldn't be found out till later. And when it did, if it did, Jordan would be back and I would be gone. Everything would be back to normal.

"Alright. Al..right. I'll ask him to stay away for now. But don't blame him, please. He feels so guilty right now."

"I won't. Thank you. For staying with me. Thank you so much."

"I..love you. Of course I'll stay."

"Love ya, Jordan."

"Are you in any pain?"

"Naw...I have a thingy that pumps me full of pain medicine every so often. It makes me sleepy."

"Then go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

"But it makes me sleep for a long time."

"It's okay. I'll be here, the entire time. I'll be here."

"K, night Jordan. Love...ya."

He drifted off and I pushed back the hair falling over his eyes. He would be fine because I wouldn't have it any other way.

***

Sitting in front of the mirror at home, I contemplated my hair. If I was going to be Jordan, I would need to look like him and feel like him. Even if Cadeon couldn't see me, others could.

Holding a hank of my shoulder length blonde hair, I pictured my twin's hair. He had that short styled look, courtesy of me, and that meant I had to have it.

The first piece hit the floor and I continued slowly and steadily until it was short. Then I evened it out and styled it like his.

My twin starred back out at me when I looked in the mirror. Jayden was gone for now and Jordan would stay in his stead.