Idiots

I got bored again. This is the unplanned addition to what was supposed to be a one off. There is one more chapter after this one, which will contain a sex scene for all you horny people. Enjoy. Comments are appreciated.

****

"So..."

"Martin, don't start this early in the morning."

"It's 01:00. We've been on shift for seven hours."

"It's technically tomorrow."

"In my book, it ain't tomorrow till the sun comes up again."

"Maybe that's why the Lieutenant is always bitching about your reports."

"Enough about me." He said, taking a hand off the wheel to point at me. "We were talking about you."

"No WE weren't."

"Spill you bastard! It's been a month. Surely we have some progress to report."

"Your wife's asking about me again, ain't she?"

"She means well."

"I'm not dating her niece!"

"I'm not asking you to. I like Miranda too much to put her through that."

"I'll tase you and say it was an accident."

"Well, if I say that you're in a committed relationship, maybe she'll leave me alone about it."

"Oh come off it! You want to know just as much as she does."

Martin gave me a strange look out the corner of his eye, almost like someone who looks at a skinny puppy. I didn't like it at all.

"Look Cal, there are people around here who want you to be happy. How long have we been partners?"

"Three years."

"Ding, ding, ding! Wouldn't you know who won the pony?"

"Shut up." I said with a small chuckle, which is more than he deserved out of me.

"That's three years of making my wife worry because the department stuck me with an idiot." I threw a Taco Bell napkin from the floorboard at him, he smacked it away without much thought. "Three years of babysitting on my part. Dare I say, I actually care for my little Fish."

Fish is the generic name for the new guy. I'm not new anymore! There have been five academy classes since I came on, four since I finished my probation period.

Martin and I had originally been paired together after he had been demoted from sergeant for getting a little rough with a suspect. According to Martin, the guy tried to kick him in the nuts. According to the department, a broken nose was a bit much. Martin can be described as hard-nosed, arrogant, maybe even self-centered at first. That's all by people who don't know him though. After three years, I can honestly say Martin is a good cop and a better man than I. Still a proper asshole when he wants to be though.

"If you keep up this lovey dovey shit, I'm going to have to warn Adrian."

"AH-HA!" He shouted, one finger pointed in the air while his other hand turned us onto a street with a few bars. It was Friday night. DWI patrol is rarely fun, though it is often entertaining. Trust me when I say that there most certainly is a distinction. "So the boy would only be allowed to be jealous if he were dating you, correct?"

"That would be correct..." I mumbled.

"Pay the man." He held a hand out, palm up."

Shifting slightly in my seat, I pulled out my wallet and smacked a twenty in Martin's hand.

"Fucker."

"Don't make bets with the master young blood."

"Oh please, it took you six months to figure out I was gay in the first place. Don't sit here and act like you're some sort of relationship god."

"Hey, I defy someone to pull information out of you without pulling teeth out as well."

"Not everyone needs to know my business. I didn't know if we would even be partnered for that long to begin with."

"Like that mattered. You just have trust issues my friend."

"I'm a friend now? Is that right Dr. Phil?"

"Nobody likes a smartass."

"Adrian likes my ass just fine, thank you."

Martin's head fell back laughing.

"Oh shit..." He trailed off, a tear escaping his eye as he came down from his laughing spell.

"You gonna live?"

"I'm fine. Damn, I wasn't ready for that. I can't picture his scrawny ass fucking you." He started laughing again.

"Why are you trying to in the first place?"

"I can imagine whatever I damn well please." He stuck his nose up, like some god damn British queen. "What are you, like 6'1?"

"6'2." I said.

"And he's 5'8 if, I repeat IF, he is lucky."

"5'7." I mumbled.

"Exactly. How does that even work? Do you have a real short bed, and he just stands by the edge? Of course that just leaves doggy style as your go to, which is fine-"

"Jesus Christ on a crutch, we have no trouble fucking Martin!"

"I think it's called jet packing."

"How do you even know that term?"

"Research."

"What kind of research have you been doing?"

"The scientific kind- check that guy out." He pointed a finger over the dashboard to a dark green car in front of us. The car crossed into the oncoming lane twice in the short time we'd been watching it.

"Drunkie?" I asked.

"What do you think?"

"Lighting him up." With a quick hand movement, I flipped the lights on and gave the siren a few quick bursts.

While Martin entered the license plate into the computer, I reported our location to dispatch, as well as keeping a close eye on the suspect's movements in the car.

"He's stashing something." I said.

"Don't they always?"

"Anything coming back?"

"Nope, clean as a whistle. Let's just hope Mr. Shoemaker is the one driving."

We stepped out of the car at the same time, Martin going to the driver's door while I took the passenger side. You ever smell pot before? Surely you have. Everyone has. For god's sake, it's been a long ass time since the summer of love. The smell is extremely distinct. I knew it well enough when I was in my teens. Since joining the force, I could spot its smell from a mile away. Maybe I should become a drug dog...

"License and registration." Martin belted out the usual line. I counted the number of people we had on our hands.

There was a grand total of five contestants competing in tonight's competition. They looked like college kids, taking daddy's Buick out for a spin. Their clothes were nice, though not too upscale. The one sitting between his two buddies in the back, the one with the green hair, seemed about to shit himself.

Martin met my eyes over the roof.

'Weed.' I mouthed and pinched my nose. He nodded once. I knew Martin didn't smell it. An elephant could shit on his shoes and he'd never notice. The man has no sense of smell.

"Do you know why I pulled you over tonight?"

"Uh... no sir. Do I have a tail light out?"

I chuckled to myself. That is the number one line we hear when someone wants to act innocent.

"Do you have a tail light out Mr..." Martin looked down at the kid's license. "Shoemaker?"

"Uh no- no sir, I was just curious myself, you see."

"I see. Whose car is this?"

"My father's sir."

"Alright, well ya'll sit tight for a minute while we run this."

The kids all swallowed hard as we walked back. They were all underage if my guess was right. Our eyes met again on the way. Martin gave an extremely contorted look that said, 'Who do these idiots think they're fooling.'

Conversation started the second our doors closed.

"The driver is high as a kite." Martin said.

"The kid in the back, sitting in the middle-"

"Green hair?"

"That's the one. If he doesn't have something on him, I'll eat my hat."

We were quiet while Martin ran the kid's license. I checked my phone, noting that Adrian had texted me.

"Tell blondie I said hi." Martin said without looking up.

"Fuck off."

It was just a simple, 'I get off at 6, you?'

I texted back that I was off at six, but had to sign out and stow my equipment, take a shower, all the usual. I'd be ready by seven if he wanted to meet me at the department, or I'd pick him up at his place.

'I'll see you at the precinct. No shower ;)'

"That's some kinky shit." I could feel his breath on my neck suddenly.

"Eyes on your own paper." I pushed him back to his side of the car. He laughed so hard he was shaking the car a bit.

"Someone likes the smell of man in the morning."

"Better than the smell of fish."

"Hey, that was told to you in confidence."

"And I reserve the right to use it however I like when it's just us."

"Asshole..." He muttered.

"How we doing this."

"You tell me Fish."

"I'm not a rookie Martin."

"Then take the lead. I'm not going to be around to watch your forever you know."

"So now you're watching my ass?"

"Oh yes." He waved a hand to cool himself down. "Sometimes I just want to dive across this computer and pin you against the window, just go on to town!" He finished with a pathetic pelvic thrust in his seat.

"You're insane!"

We were laughing as we got out. If the kids heard us, I'm sure it freaked them out all the more so. Martin and I swapped which side of the car we took. The kid looked extremely confused to see me at the window instead of the dumb ass who was now at the passenger window.

"What happened to the other guy?" He stammered.

"He's over there now."

The kid's head snapped to the right. I tapped on the roof and his head snapped back to me. I started thinking of those Old Spice commercials. Back to you. Now back to me. This kid was definitely on something besides alcohol.

"Take your keys out of the car sir and step out here for me."

"But sir, I didn't do anything."

"I didn't say you did. Just do what I ask please."

He unbuckled his seatbelt slowly. I've seen people in the drunk tank shake less than this guy.

"Let's walk back here." I said when he stood up out the car.

He was a little shorter than myself, though taller than Adrian. Damn it. I keep doing that, comparing everything to him. It's becoming more and more frequent in recent weeks. His hair was a dark brown, kinda square headed, maybe one hundred thirty soaking wet with a brick in each pocket. It wouldn't take a lot of something illicit to cause this kid to OD on the street.

"Alright bud, let's be honest here." We were standing in front of the cruiser now. "You know and I know that you've got something floating around in your system."

"Officer-"

"Your pupils are wider than a dog's eyes at the supper table kid. Look, all I want to know this very moment is if you're going to OD on me, which judging by the way you're sweating is a real possibility. So, how much and what did you take?"

"Sir, I don't want to go to jail."

"Kid, you're going to jail. That's a given. I don't need to test you to know that you're DWI, but they most certainly will at the precinct. I just don't want you dying on me. That's my concern at this moment."

He stared at his shoes, seemingly weighing his options. His head bobbed up and down a few times before he looked up at me. There were tears in his eyes.

"I- I had a few tabs of X. We were just partying with some friends, it wasn't nothing serious, I swear."

"Alright, just answer me some quick questions: any history of seizures, heart problems, diabetes?" He shook his head no each time. "Are you dizzy, feel like you're going to pass out?" Again he shook his head no. "Cramping at all?" Another head shake.

"Alright, well that's all good things. How long since you took these pills?"

"Maybe an hour or two?"

"Alright, not bad. You should be fine physically." I pulled out my cuffs, I could see Martin switching between watching us and watching the rest of the kids. He mutely held out his hands. I cuffed him, hands behind his back as procedure dictates, before patting him down.

"Nothing that's going to stick me in your pockets is there?"

"No sir."

"No weapons?"

"No."

"No drugs anywhere?"

"No sir."

"Just so you know, if they find anything narcotic related on you when you're booked at the station that's a felony charge tacked on to this for smuggling drug paraphernalia into a jail."

"I'm clean officer." He said quietly. I walked him around and put him in the back seat.

"Alright then. I'm going to search the vehicle now, as pursuant to an arrest, just so you know. I'm not going to find anything else in there, am I?"

"No..." He muttered.

"Just so you know, if I find something and none of your friends claim it, then it's assumed that you're the owner. So again, is there anything else in that car?"

He swallowed hard, a few tears leaking out.

"Toby stuffed a bag of weed under the front passenger seat."

"Which one's Toby?"

"Green hair, in the back."

"That's it? Nothing else in there?"

"As far as I know."

"Good man. Just hang tight Mr. Shoemaker." I said as I closed the door on him.

I waved Martin over to me.

"What's the deal?"

"He say's green hair in the back slipped a bag of weed under the front passenger seat."

"He the only one?"

"As far as this kid knows."

"Alright. I'll see if I can get us some backup. We don't have enough room to haul all these kids off should they have something. Besides, they're all going to have their parents called anyway. It's after curfew."

Dispatch told us that back up would be another ten minutes or so. The closest unit was wrapping up a DWI of their own. Gotta love Friday nights.

All the kids behaved themselves. At first. We had them sit on the edge of the sidewalk while we searched the car. Martin and I intentionally ignored the front passenger seat for a while, buying our time till back up arrived. No need to start arresting the green haired kid until we had some more officers on scene.

More lights illuminated the side street as a black and white pulled up. Two friendly faces emerged. Sergeant Murkowski and Officer Ramirez walked up to us.

"What's going on Johnny Reb?" Called Ramirez. We had a quick bro hug-hand shake.

"Nothing much my man. How's the arm doing?"

Ramirez rolled his sleeve up to show the foot long scar Mr. Johnson had given him. The memory made me squirm a bit.

"Not bad. Makes the Chicas love up on me that much more." He had a grin that could melt glass.

"Sly bastard." I chuckled.

"What we got Davis?" Asked Murkowski.

"Ask the kid Piotr." Said Martin

Murkowski looked over at me, his hands on his hips. Murkowski was a good man who gave the impression of someone who just wanted his pension. Technically he could go ahead and retire, but three kids in college will put a damper on that. We call him the Duck. One look at how he runs and you know why.

"Kid?" His gravelly voice asked.

"Kid in the back says green hair over there hid a bag of weed under the front passenger seat. We've searched the rest of the car waiting on ya'll and found nothing."

"DWI?" He asked, nodding his head toward our cruiser.

"Yes Sergeant."

"You don't think he's just covering his ass?"

"He didn't name anyone but the green haired kid, whose been acting strange since minute one."

"Good enough for me. Finish the search and see if the kid was lying about that bag or not."

Martin, Ramirez, And Murkowski watched the kids on the sidewalk while I walked up to the car. Within a second of sticking my hand under the seat, I felt the plastic baggy. I held it up in the air as I turned around. The green haired kid immediately took off, squirming out of Murkowski's arms as he did.

"Mother fucker, they always run!" Ramirez yelled as he took off after him.

"We'll watch the rest Cal, follow Ramirez."

"The benefits of tenure!" I yelled as I followed Ramirez.

Ahead of me, I could see the back of Ramirez as well as hear a litany of curses in Spanish being yelled out.

"This guy is quick for a scrawny fuck!" He yelled back.

"No shit!"

The kid was basically only visible because of his hair. It lit up every time a streetlight or a passing car's headlights hit him. I was calling in chase updates to dispatch throughout our run through numerous city side streets.

Suddenly, the kid turned down an alleyway. Ramirez, still a good fifty feet ahead of me, disappeared around the corner. When I came up, Ramirez had the kid by the legs while the top half of the green haired Flash was hanging over the opposite side of a chain link fence.

A stream of words in Spanish were being yelled out through the night. Windows of the apartment blocks on either side of us began opening to see what was going on. I ran up and grabbed the kid by the waistband. He came flying off the fence as all three of us went down in something that looked like a wrestling move off the top turnbuckle. I landed sideways on a trash can. Ramirez I can't speak for. The kid landed flat on his ass like a pancake. Spinal compression anyone?

"Oh fuck! My ass!" He screamed.

"Don't act like you didn't earn it bud. Hold still!" I shouted while I tried to cuff him.

More Spanish was being yelled out.

"Speak English Robert!"

"Fuck you Alex! I think I fell in dog shit."

I looked over to see Robert trying to look around and see his own back. Reminded me of a turtle trying to turn itself over.

Once the kid was cuffed, I sat him up against the chain link he'd tried to high jump over. I helped Ramirez's stocky ass up. He turned his back to me while looking over his shoulder.

"Well?"

"It's not dog shit... I don't think."

It looked more like some horrible concoction someone had tried to cook. Perhaps a failed attempt at making dinner by a newlywed wife.

"Fuck it stinks. Take that vest off, for my sake."

Ramirez was standing there in nothing but a tank top and his uniform pants while we waited for back up to come pick us up. We communicated to dispatch that we were okay and we had a suspect in custody.

"You run faster than I remember." I said.

"All that border crossing, you know?"

We shared a laugh. I couldn't help but check out my Mexican comrade. Least I think he's Mexican. Doesn't matter. His stocky build made him look shorter than he was, though he was shorter than me. His black chest hair stood out from his dark tan skin, the white tank top providing a heady contrast. I'd call him an otter, much like myself. I'm skinnier than he is though. I don't bulk up when I work out for some reason.

"See something you like Cal?" He smirked.

"Maybe if I was single and you dated men."

We laughed again. This was a common joke between us, as we had fooled around a bit when we were at the academy. Nothing serious. He only fucked men. No dating what so ever. I wasn't led on at any point, so I didn't hold a grudge or anything. If anything, it sorta made us closer friends. Hard to explain. When I heard he'd been stabbed, I had a brief moment of horrible fear come over me only to be wiped away when the officer who told me laughed about Ramirez's swearing Mr. Johnson six ways from Sunday.

"Speaking of which, how's that going? We haven't had a chance to hang out in a while."

"It's going pretty good."

"Anything serious so far?"

"We haven't said as much, but I think so. He's not seeing anyone else that I know of and neither am I."

"That's good man. Bout time you found someone."

"We're not getting married Robbie. We've only been hanging out for a month."

"Is that what they call it nowadays?"

"Quiet you. You're just jealous." I stuck my tongue out.

"Could you two take this faggy love fest somewhere else?" Asked green hair from beside us.

"Nobody was talking to you Punto." Robbie used his foot to knock him over on his side. The kid struggled around with his hands behind his back. A lot of things were reminding me of turtles today.

"Maybe I should get a turtle..." I mumbled.

Robbie stared at me like a mother would a slow child, in only that way he could.

"The fuck is wrong with you?"