Idolatria

1 John 4:18

An unsteady hand fumbled the house keys and struggled to find the lock.

The door slammed behind us.

My back crashed against the wall with Levi's full weight pinning me there.

My mouth was reclaimed, devoured, drowning what little breath I swallowed. Levi's hands, chilled and fevered, caressed my jaw, my throat. His fingers stumbled on the ring of my collar and the buttons of my shirt, as if unsure of what to do with these interruptions between him and my skin. Breaking our lips apart, he pulled at the wet fabric and began working the closures open--

"Levi," I heard myself gasp out. "Are we... right... right now...?"

In response, Levi made an impatient noise under his breath and shoved his knee hard between my own, leaning his forehead against mine with his eyes closed and brow knitted. "Ash, you know that I'm not going to do anything to you that you don't want -- but -- I'm fucking

begging you

not to leave me like this again."

"I--" A shudder ran the length of my back. I was suddenly way too aware of where my hands were, awkwardly seeking a place to rest on Levi's person... and now flustered by the hard shape pressed against my hip through our jeans.

He's fucking serious... Am I?

"N-no... no... I want this... I promise..."

The affirmation had barely left my tongue before Levi hoisted me straight up off the floor like a petulant child, legs hooked around his waist, and it was all I could do to cling to his shoulders for support. The hallway retreated behind us. My chest was pounding so hard I was afraid he'd hear it as loudly as I could.

My back hit the bedsheets before I even realized how far I'd been carried. Above me, Levi was already undressing, peeling off his rain-soaked shirt and tossing it on the floor before propping a boot up on the bedframe to untie it. I tore myself out of a daze and looked down at myself, still half-dressed with my shirt open. Was I supposed to be stripping, too? Or did Levi want to do it himself...? The thought occurred to me that maybe dressing up to go out hadn't been a good idea, although the unforeseen rain wasn't making it easier...

Everything was a distraction. Everywhere my clothes lay was cold and clammy. It was like I'd forgotten how to take off my shoes, how to work the button of my jeans, my fingers numb and awkward and my heartbeat still way too loud in my mouth. I'd only just arched up and shoved my jeans down my hips before Levi, in only his undone jeans and shoulder harness now, moved my hands and freed me from the sticking denim the rest of the way.

Distracted again from my trunks being pulled off, I was now annoyingly focused on the rope harness -- it had been comfortable enough before, but wet, it was strangely itchy. I pulled at one of the cords at my stomach sheepishly. "Levi, this is... it's uncomfortable..."

Without affirming, Levi unceremoniously flipped me onto my front and straddled my waist. His arousal was impossible to ignore against my backside, open fly of his jeans scratching my skin. I shivered again. More than that, though... I thought I felt his fingers shaking as he undid the knots of my harness.

The moment it was loose, he turned me over again, prostrating over me to envelop us in his arms, in the damp and twisted cascade of his hair... And across my chest and shoulders, in the hand that held my jaw still for him to kiss me... A tremor. His hands were trembling. For some reason, this made my stomach clench harder... half in blind arousal, and half in sudden, inexplicable fear.

"Levi... wait..."

"It's okay," he breathed against my cheek. "It's alright... I'll go easy. Just --"

"No -- Levi, stop..." In a panic I shoved his hand away from my thigh as he hitched it over his own.

"Stop... Bluebell!"

It took a moment for him to respond, but I didn't have to say it twice. Levi pulled back with what seemed like an enormous amount of restraint, wincing as if he were in actual pain. It took him a few deep, slow breaths before he could speak again. "Are you alright?" he asked.

I hesitated, trying to clear my head. "I-I'm fine," I said.

"Do you want me to keep going?"

"No--" I said this a little too quickly and bit my tongue. "I -- just... not like this..."

"Like what?"

"Like... I'm..." I tried to put the words together in a way that made sense to me. For some reason, it was difficult trying to separate my discomfort from my hormones. "I'm all... fucking wet and freezing my ass off. I don't think I... wanted it to be like this."

Levi stared down at me wearily, as if deciding if he wanted to argue or not. But he didn't. His shoulders slackened and he leaned back on his knees, casually undoing the buckles of his shoulder harness. I shifted myself up on my elbows.

"Are you upset?" I asked tentatively.

"What?" He blinked and shook his head. "No... no, you're fine. You're right. Doesn't matter, either way... You told me to stop. I stopped." He exhaled slowly and slid back until he was sitting against one of the steel posts at the corner of the bed, raking his hair back with one hand. "Warm shower sounds good. I think we both need one."

The air stuck in my chest managed to work free. I flopped back and let my eyes close just to let my pulse even out. Beneath me, the bed shifted and I heard Levi's footsteps drift across the room. I was roused by a towel being tossed onto my still-naked figure.

"Go get in. I'll be there in a minute," he said stiffly.

As I clambered out of bed, Levi sank down in my place. I lingered by the door a second, watching as he clasped a hand to his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut. "Are... are you sure you're okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," he replied.

"Your hands are still shaking."

Levi paused, then lowered his hand and stared at it. Quickly, he shoved it beside him and looked away as if I'd pointed out something embarrassing. "Go get in the shower. You can use my stuff."

I had half a mind to stay, but I really was freezing. Hugging the towel to my chest, I went ahead to the bathroom on my own.

With the door shut behind me, I felt something in me unravel. I dropped the towel and braced my weight against the sink, a lump rising in my throat.

Why,

why

did I have to make him stop? I'd wanted this as badly as he did. I didn't doubt that. And yet I couldn't stop myself from calling my safe word. The mixture of the unpleasantness and anxiety and sudden onset shyness had just been too much for me to focus on anything pleasurable between us. But what if I got rid of all that and I still couldn't do it? Levi wouldn't pressure me into sex, but I knew I was disappointing him... wasn't I?

I sighed and looked in the mirror, fingering my collar before I reached back for the clasp. All up and down my torso, the faint lines of the rope harness had tattooed me with their imprint. Silhouetted against the silver shape of my necklace, it was more obscene than I'd thought. I tore my eyes away from my blushing reflection and set both my collar and pendant down almost carelessly, turning my attention to the shower.

The first blast of heat scalded my frigid skin, but I just stood there and let it melt the shivers from my body. I was already feeling miles better by the time I'd gotten warmed up. Rubbing my own shoulders, I took a look at the shower caddy stuck in a corner of the bath, full of the stuff Levi said I could use. I recognized a brand of shampoo and conditioner I thought I'd seen advertised for women... Then again, Levi's hair obviously needed extra work. I was used to body washes, but here, there was a single violet bar soap in an unlabeled container. I popped it open and felt dizzy at the scent that spilled out... Something spicy, woody, and faintly floral. I knew this smell. The unconscious connection in my mind made my lower belly flutter.

At the sound of the door opening, I snapped the soap shut with my face burning.

"You washed up yet?" Levi's voice echoed over the water's rush.

"N... not yet," I admitted. "Sorry. I think I spaced out."

The shower curtain slid back halfway with no warning, and by instinct I shoved my arms in front of myself with my back to the faucet. Levi cocked an eyebrow at me. "I can wait if you want to be alone," he said.

"No! It's... it's okay. You just surprised me."

He seemed like he wasn't sure whether to believe me or not, but he stepped in anyway, drawing the curtain behind himself. "Move over a little," he told me.

I flattened to the wall enough for Levi to gently shoulder past me into the stream, where he threw his head back and shook out his hair with a loud sigh. Several disjointed thoughts tripped over themselves in my head.

Naked. So am I. God, he's really close. Should I move? Should I just get out?

"Ash?"

His voice startled me back to earth. "I -- what?"

Eyes sullen, Levi looked at me sidelong, water streaming his hair down into his face. "You're staring at me like I'm going to bite you," he said dejectedly.

Was I? I swallowed and rubbed at my arm, unsticking myself from the shower wall. "I didn't mean to."

His mouth flattened. Without another word, he turned and pulled the other side of the curtain open.

"Wait, you don't have to--!"

"

Stop

. I'm giving you space," he said. "I'm warmed up. Take your time. I mean it."

"I'm not trying to... to make you go away or..."

"Ash, you're a nervous wreck," Levi cut across, stepping out onto the rug with a glance back at me. "You're massively worked up and I don't want that. I want you to

relax

. If you go back home tonight and we haven't fucked, I'm not going to be angry. I just want you to be

comfortable

with me."

This last sentiment was said with damn near anguish. I didn't know how to respond. Instead I just stood there under the water as Levi wrenched the curtain back in my dumbstruck face.

Should I be relieved? Hearing it from him directly, that my reluctance wasn't upsetting him... But the way he'd said it made me search his words for something unspoken. When I couldn't find it, I ran my own feelings over and over in my mind instead.

Did I really want this?

Yes. Unquestionably. A few weeks ago I'd almost begged him to fuck me already. It would have happened if he thought I was ready then. Now I was, theoretically... right?

So why was I scared now? What was I scared of? Pain? But it wouldn't hurt that bad, would it?

Or was it just the reality of it all setting in?

‡

I could swear I was still steaming when I got out of the shower. I'd immediately gone back to the bedroom after, but Levi wasn't there. For a hot second, I was afraid he'd just left. But there was some faint noise coming from the kitchen back the way I'd came. He wasn't gone.

My clothes were still soaking wet in a pile with Levi's. I stole some boxer briefs from a drawer in his closet instead, and ended up wandering out after him with only those and my towel still around my shoulders.

In the kitchen, Levi sat with his elbows on the table, tousled hair brushed over one shoulder, in only black underwear and a loose gray tee. He glimpsed me and sat back in his seat, but said nothing.

"Hi," I said, sheepish. When he was silent, I went on. "Can I sit down?"

"'Course you can." I pulled a chair out across from him and sat, pulling the towel over my head to rub at my hair some more. When I was done, I noticed Levi had something in front of him. Orange juice and a yogurt cup. He caught me looking and gestured with his spoon. "Want some? Tons in the fridge."

"I'm good... Are you hungry? We can grab dinner or something..."

Levi shook his head. "Just needed something. It's early." He paused to swallow another spoonful. Something pink. "Feel better?"

"What?"

"You. Are you feeling better after your shower?"

"I'm fine," I said, sinking in my chair. "I'm sorry. I think I got overwhelmed."

He snorted and picked up his glass. "See, here's me trying to go vanilla after everything we did today. It was still too much, huh?"

"Looks like strawberry to me."

"What?" Levi glanced at his yogurt and laughed. "No... not that. Vanilla is -- I wanted to try having sex without the fetish gear. That's what I mean."

My stomach tensed involuntarily. "Why?"

"What do you mean,

why?

You got overwhelmed from what we did today, you just told me," he said, exasperated.

"No... There was just a lot going on when we came home. That was a big part of it," I admitted. "A-and, honestly... it's stupid, but I get so fucking nervous around you when you're completely undressed."

At this, Levi looked incredulous. "You don't seem to mind me seeing you."

"I got used to that," I muttered. "And it's different, I guess... 'cause whenever I'm fully naked in front of you, you're... you know..."

"... I'm what?"

I felt my face burning again. "You're in... like...

Dom mode

."

The silence after my words was deafening until Levi set his glass down. "Am I just intimidating you?" he asked.

"No -- it's... I don't..." I drew a shuddering breath, squirming in my seat. Unable to look him in the eye, I focused instead on the vividly colored graphic on his shirt -- something like a cat holding a too-many-eyed spider in its mouth. "You just... your whole attitude, the way you carry yourself, the way you talk to me... It changes when I give you

control

of me."

The realization was coming at the same time that I said it out loud. From the look on Levi's face, half-fascination, half-bewilderment, he hadn't expected me to say it like this either. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, brow furrowed. After a beat, he shrugged. "I mean, you're not wrong..."

A strange thought was starting to build from the revelations in our talk. When I finally brought my gaze up to Levi's face, my heart was pounding again... a different tempo than earlier. "Levi... can... Can you try something with me?"

His expression stayed, but I thought I saw his eyes narrow just a fraction. "What is it?"

I stood up and came around beside Levi, biting my lip. I was getting a strange sense of deja-vu from this scene as I looked down at him. After a brief, awkward deliberation, I clasped my hands together and held them out for him. "I... I want you to hold my wrists. Just for a minute."

Levi returned my flustered stare evenly. "For?"

"I -- I just need to see something --"

"Cross them."

"... Cross --?"

I'd hardly repositioned my hands, left over right, before Levi casually, deliberately seized them both, one-handed, and pinned me to the table by my wrists. I swallowed back a gasp.

A strange mixture of turmoil and clarity was fighting in my head. The sensation of Levi holding me there, of the scant pressure he exerted on me, overtook all contrary logic. Was it really that simple? The thing I needed, the missing piece that made it feel so good to be with him, that made it possible for me to make decisions that terrified me...

It was my

submission

to him.

"Ash?"

I snapped to attention like I'd just come up for air. Levi was still holding my wrists, casually stroking the back of my hand with his thumb and looking at me curiously.

I chewed my lip for a moment and took a steadying breath. "I want to do this," I said shakily. "But I think... I need you to tie me up."

‡

I was back in Levi's bed for the third time that day. It was nerve-wracking, sitting there on my knees and trying not to fidget so much with my hands while he pawed through his equipment with careful deliberation. Like an artist picking brushes.

Except I'm the canvas, I thought. My throat went tight.

The muted, pinkish glow of Levi's bedside lamp clashed with the pale streetlight outside, seeping in through the still-hammering rain that curtained the single window. I tried to focus on that, on the color and sound of the storm instead of the occasional clink of metal on metal too close to me.

But I asked him to do this. Please, please don't take it back now.

I could, though. He'd stopped before.

I don't want him to.

"Ash, where's your collar?"

I jumped a little at Levi's voice, my cheeks stinging. "I-I left it on the table here," I said, nodding to where it sat on the nightstand, alongside the silver cross.

Levi moved over and made to take it... But he seemed to rethink it at the last moment, and instead lifted my necklace from underneath the leather band.

"I'm not going to wear it?" I asked.

"Not now," he said, seating himself on the bed beside me. "That one's more for everyday wear. What I have in mind needs something a little more specialized. This, though..."

To my surprise, Levi leaned over and fastened the silver chain around my neck, the pendant almost too cold on my heated skin. I bit my lip.

"Why does it feel

dirty

when you do it?"

He just laughed. "Would you rather I didn't?" He took my stammering pause to shuffle off his shirt and toss it by the end of the bed, then tugged a black elastic from around his wrist to pull his hair back into a careless ponytail. When he'd gotten most of it out of his face, he met mine again. "Your eyes are wandering."

I looked up at once, face hot. "It's hard," I mumbled.

Levi smirked and brushed my burning cheek with the backs of his fingers. "It's alright. I've got something to help you focus. But first..."

My attention finally fell to the selection of leather gear Levi had brought over with him as he picked through it. The usual black leather handcuffs were there, along with something that could have been a collar - though a bit more than any I'd worn before, with multiple D-shaped rings spaced across it - but the thing Levi had in his hands now was difficult to make sense of. A weirdly shaped, carefully sculpted piece, twin belts criss-crossing it with a silver ring in the center.

"What's that?"

"Something I think you need," said Levi thoughtfully, combing my hair back with his fingers. "Close your eyes."

I held in my breath and obeyed, trying not to squeeze my eyes shut. After a moment of waiting, cold, padded leather pressed over my face, just barely sheathing the top of my cheekbones. Something was pulled over the back of my head, and then those steady hands came around my neck to fasten the whole thing at my nape. Carefully, Levi's fingers traced my jaw and guided me to face him... or so I could only assume.

"Can you see?" he purred.

I opened my eyes - or tried, for all the good it did. Everything from the bridge of my nose to my ears was bound in leather; not a fragment of light slipped through, even at the corners. It was more comfortable to keep my eyes closed with how tightly it fit, though. I let out a shaky sigh. "No... is this a blindfold?"

"Mhm. I thought we'd start by limiting your stimuli. Is it too tight?"

"No. It's... kind of heavy, though."

"It's a bit more of a complex piece than necessary. Aesthetic. You won't be keeping your head up much, though. Here, lean down a little."

I dipped my head down to feel what must have been the collar wrapping my throat, Levi's fingertips skimming the soft skin of my neck. I wondered if he could feel the blood pounding there. My heart felt like it was trying to break free of my ribs. But... it was somehow easier to handle this with my vision lost. I didn't have to try to stop my eyes from darting, trying to see what he was doing, wondering if my body looked as awkward as it felt... Despite the shake in my limbs, I was starting to relax.

The collar was thick and layered as much as the blindfold, so much that I felt its slight drag on my neck when Levi let go of it. Just as quickly, he braced my jaw with one hand and lifted it, as if to examine his work. "Feel alright?"

"Y-yes... It's fine."

It felt like his hands were holding me everywhere the leather touched. The earthy scent of it, clashing with the faint, hormonal perfume of his skin, was engulfing me. No sooner had I realized what this was doing to my body, though, than he wordessly, gently pushed against the center of my blindfold and tipped me back against the pillow.