If I Had You

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, this continues the interactions of Jay and Paul.

Thanks for all the kind words on Chapter 1.

Again I welcome your feedback.

Big Ben chimed again on his bedside table. Jay lay in bed, already awake, but in denial about having to get up. He could see the lazy gray-whiteness outside his bedroom window. Snow. Jay did a big stretch, spreading his long arms wide like he was trying to crack off the remaining layers of last nights sleep. "Get moving Jay, get moving." he muttered to himself. Jay slid out of bed and walked to the window to check out the morning. A few inches of white already coated the ground.

He knew the routine, it was gym time. However, something about a snowy morning brought back all those memories of childhood. Running downstairs for breakfast - hoping school would be closed for a snow day - and the smell of his Mother's chocolate chip pancakes. Getting dressed in his snow gear and boots to play outside. Snowball fights with his Brother. Most people think that all goes out the window when you become an adult - and for the most part it does - but not for him. So, in honor of winter, the gym is having a snow day.

Jay wasn't in any hurry now this morning. He took his time over his coffee, enjoyed his breakfast and watched some local news. He was more interested in the snow, but this morning he didn't have to rush - he had time to devour everything that was making the city and world tick.

He showered, and as he dried off, he looked at himself in the mirror like he did every morning. This man had years of baggage he was unable to unpack, but was working on it. Paying attention kept him focused - Concentrate on courage. Pay attention to pain. Lean into letting go. Jay knew he wasn't perfect, and he acknowledged it to keep himself sane. Fix what you can, ignore what you can't. While others may have looked at him enviously - believing he had it all together - very few people knew he was a train wreck inside. Earlier, when Ian was talking about college, his memories brought back the scared college student. "Ian was just talking, playing around with Jason - let it go and move on" he thought to himself.

Jay dressed in his favorite pair of dark blue jeans - the ones that hugged his ass just the right way. He wondered if he was he trying to dress for work or entice Paul. Fuck it, he changed in to his comfortable jeans - the ones that looked best with his practical snow boots - and threw on a blue cashmere sweater. Functionally fashionable.

He grabbed his keys and scarf on the way out and ran down the stairs to the garage - after all, he skipped the gym today. He didn't deserve the elevator. He was about to get in the Jeep when he shivered, realizing he should have grabbed a heavier coat. Oh well, he thought, this'll have to do. Leaving the garage he was met by the snowy surroundings. He switched to 4 wheel drive for good measure and began his commute. The roads were almost deserted - apparently everyone else was having a snow day of their own.

-

Jay arrived at the office and headed to the kitchen right away to make some hot chocolate. Soon after, Ian called Jay to tell him he'd be working from home. "Well, enjoy your day" Jay replied happily "go build a snowman."

"Do you want him anatomically correct?" Ian asked seductively, laughing at his own joke

"Who's the pig now?" Jay laughed back.

Before Jay could hang up, Ian asked with concern in his voice "Hey, are you sure everything is ok? Are you sure your alright?"

Jay thought for a moment and chose his words carefully "I'm fine, just dredged up buried feelings. I'm afraid I'm falling down that rabbit hole again."

Ian's tone changed to one of sympathy and worry "tell me" he prodded.

Again, Jay picked through his thoughts "it's happening again Ian, I'm falling for a straight guy. How do I move on when I can't break old habits - when I keep making the same mistakes."

"Paul, obviously?" Ian asked gently. "Look, Jay, everything that happened was years ago. I can't know how you're feeling, but I can tell you I'll always be here for you. I'll always love you." Jay could hear the words catch in Ian's throat. "As for Paul, so what if he's straight?" Ian asked. "You can still be friends with him can't you?"

Jay didn't have to take long to reply "I think we both know the answer to that, right?"

"No, Jason couldn't - Jay can. Think about it, you've changed." Ian reminded him.

Jay brushed Ian's observations asside, instead replying in a seductive voice mocking Ian's earlier attempt "so, what's the snowman wearing?"

Ian chided "Jason Wyatt, what am I going to do with you."

"Nothing I haven't already thought of" Jay said.

"You really are a pig Jay." Ian chuckled.

-

As Jay replayed their conversation, he began to calm down and feel a little more at ease. He said out loud "get a grip on yourself, don't let this rattle you." Jay gathered himself and went back to his hot chocolate.

Not long after, the door opened. It was Paul, followed closely by Andy and a few other staff. Jay yelled out "I'm making hot chocolate, any body up for a cup?" Paul was the first to accept, so he and Jay stood in the kitchen making cup after cup of cocoa.

"Listen up" said Andy, "the snow is really coming down. Finish up everything that is a priority and then head out."

Phone calls made and appointments cancelled, everyone got to work quickly clearing projects off their desks. Looked like Kellers was having a snow day as well.

Little by little the staff trickled back out after a few brief hours. Only Andy, Paul and Jay remained.

"That's it" said Andy. "You two go home, see you guys Monday."

-

Jay and Paul walked to their cars. Jay's Jeep needed only a little cleaning off, but Paul's little Cruiser was buried. Both guys grabbed shovels from the office and began digging around the little black car. They worked in tandem for over a hour before calling it quits. Paul's car was frozen like a fish stick in the back of a deep freezer. - plowed in on the busy street.

Paul threw his hands up in exhaustion. Both men were freezing and soaked through their clothes. "What do I do now?" Paul asked, his voice wavering between anger and concern. "How do I get home?"

"Just a thought" Jay offered. "Lets grab something to eat and warm up a little - we can give it another try later."

Both men piled into the Jeep and Jay drove them a few blocks to The All-American Diner, just outside of downtown. The place had great food and a classic diner vibe. The guys enjoyed a hearty lunch, but appreciated the hot coffee more.

They sat chatting, losing track of time. Jay learned more of Paul's rocky upbringing In Kentucky - about an abusive Father, and a Mother unwilling to step in to help. Paul wasn't allowed to show any weakness or emotions growing up. Feelings had no place in the Quinn home. He learned Paul had an older Sister who dropped out of high school and skipped out on the family first chance she got. Plus, how he worked every hard, back breaking menial job to save for college. Other than a few random scholarships, Paul made his own way in this world. His young, boyish face and polite demeanor betrayed nothing of a harsh upbringing.

Jay was still keeping his life secretive. Still unsure where he stood with Paul, he wasn't comfortable sharing any more information than necessary. He grew up with an older Brother a few hours North of the city, always being interested art and music. Graduated from State, along with Ian, with a degree in Design. His life seemed like a breeze when he heard Paul describing his.

-

The bell on the diner door clanged to life. It seemed like everyone turned around at once to see who came in. Jay glanced up and made eye contact with Donny and Eddie, two - and he despised himself for using the term - queens he knew from the gay bar around the corner. "Fuck" he thought to himself "why them?" Fort Dicks was Jay's hangout spot Friday nights and an occasional Saturday. Just down the block from the diner, The All American was the place people gathered before the partying began and afterword to sober up. Naturally they made their way over to Jay and the blonde. "Hey guys" was all Jay wanted to offer. Almost in unison the two newcomers all but sang "hey queen."

Jay groaned out load, prompting Paul to chuckle and smirk in his direction.

"Are you going to be at Dicks tonight?" asked Donny "Eddie's doing his show tonight." The only thing Jay hated more than those two on a normal day was any evening either was in drag.

"Awww, no, I'm not going tonight" Jay said in a tone of fake disappointment. "It's been a long week and the snow has me at the end of my rope."

Formalities over, Donny and Eddie turned their attentions to Paul. "And who is this little snack?" Eddie asked. "And where have you been hiding him?" Donny followed up. Paul blushed a bright red, not knowing what to say or do.

"He is not a snack" Jay shot back rather irritated. "He's a new coworker and friend - his car is stuck in the snow so I'm taking him home."

"Taking him home?" Eddie giggled like an immature school girl "I bet you are."

Jay grimaced, he felt embarrassed by the way his so called friends were acting around Paul.

"Could the two of you grow up please - and don't you have a show to get ready for?" Jay barked at Eddie.

"Screw you" said Eddie. "You're going to miss me."

"Yeah, like a cold sore" Jay laughed, relieved this torture was going to end.

Donny and Eddie walked away, snickering like one of them just told a childish joke.

"I'm so sorry about them, they can get a little carried away sometimes" Jay apologized

Paul looked at Jay and pouted mockingly "What do you mean I'm not a snack?" he laughed "you don't know."

Jay looked back at him with a combination of humor and amazement. "Ok, yes, you are a snack." Jay laughed.

-

As they walked out of the diner Jay hesitantly glanced at Paul "I know I just snapped at those guys for implying it, but given your car isn't going anywhere soon - and it's still snowing - how would you feel about crashing at my place overnight?" Jay could feel himself blushing just saying it out loud. "No, wait, never mind" he continued. "It's just that your place is over there" he motioned in the opposite direction "and I'm just over the bridge." Jay continued "we'll dig your car out tomorrow, and tonight we'll have a couple drinks, and... ummm.... Sorry - let me take you home... I mean your home." He didn't think he could be any more embarrassed, he was babbling

Paul stood there chuckling to himself. Should he stop Jay or let him dig a deeper hole. "Stop. Jay. Let's go to your place. Let's have a few drinks." Paul waited to see if Jay even heard him.

"Great", Jay replied excitedly "perfect."

They hopped in the Jeep and drove out of the city. As they drove, Jay concentrated on the snowy roads while Paul sat back enjoying the drive. The car was cold and their clothes still damp, Jay reached for the heat, accidentally brushing Paul's knee. A feeling of panic came over Jay - what would Paul do, what would he say?

Paul didn't say or do anything.

-

Jay opened the apartment door and with an exaggerated sweep of his hand welcoming his guest in.

"First things first" Jay said "I need to find you something to wear."

"Anything is fine" replied Paul. "I'm not too picky."

Paul looked around trying to learn more about Jay from his home. Everything was perfectly placed. There were a few photos of who Paul assumed were family and friends, a photo of Jay and Ian on vacation somewhere, a few of them from college, and a large collection of what Paul assumed were souvenirs from Jay's travels. His home almost appeared curated.

Jay came back holding a pair of red sweats and a cream cashmere t shirt. "I hope this'll be warm enough" he said. "we're not exactly the same size." Jay with his slim muscular build - Paul with his well defined pecs.

"Doesn't matter dude, they're clean and dry - I'd even just settle for just dry at this point." Paul chuckled.

"The guest room is at the end of the hall" Jay gestured. "Make yourself at home."

He turned back around to find Paul with his sneakers off, jeans already unbuckled and wet shirt in hand.

"You said make yourself at home, so..." the blonde said matter of fact.

Jay blushed dramatically and it didn't go unnoticed. "You know you're the color of these pants right?" Paul teased.

Jay felt uncomfortable, but also wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to look.

He was obviously taller than Jay easily standing 6'2" or 6'3". Paul's creamy white skin stretched over a pair of broad shoulders. His chest was hairless, except for a few strands of light blonde hair poking up around a his cute pink nipples - both standing up proud - the perfect size for his torso. Jay zeroed in on Paul's abs, hard and defined with a small treasure trail of blonde hair disappearing down into his pants. He was a god chiseled out of sun kissed marble, undressing unashamedly in his living room. Jay was noticing Paul's eyes, almost like he was seeing them for the first time. They were the brightest light blue color and sparkled like they were made of diamonds. Even that mop of blonde curly hair looked different - thick and lush like it was spun from fine strands of gold.

Paul said apologetically "Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you - I really never was one for modesty - spending so much time at the beach and all. I'll change in the other room

Paul gathered his things and walked to the guest room to finish changing.

Jay wondered if Paul was purposely trying to make him uncomfortable or was he really just as innocent as he appeared. No matter the reason, just seeing the blond shirtless was enough to arouse Jay. He was lusting after Paul - the space at the front of his pants now filled with his hard dick. How was he going to spend a night with this incredible man and maintain his composure.

Ian tried convincing Jay that a friendship, and nothing more, was possible between him and Paul. How? Every scenario he ran through his mind ended badly.

Paul came back to the living room, fully dressed - the guys discussed getting something to eat. They settled on Chinese food, it was close by and they'd deliver despite the weather.

"While we wait for the food - how about a drink?" Jay asked

"Sure" Paul replied "what've you got?"

Jay looked over his bar area taking inventory "vodka, gin, tequila, whisky... basically if it has alcohol I probably have it" he laughed. "I can call the take out place and have them bring some beer too if you want?" Jay offered.

"Beer would be fantastic" Paul replied excitedly. "I'm kinda simple that way - but I'll start with some whiskey if that's ok"

Jay carefully said "don't sell yourself short, you're anything but simple." It was flattering, he thought, but not a come on.

-

He mixed himself a martini and the two relaxed waiting on their food. They casually chatted about the days events and made a plan to dig Paul's car out tomorrow. Looking around the room Paul's eyes went back to the photo of Jay and Ian on vacation.

"So... umm... how long have you and Ian been dating?"

Jay nearly did a spit take choking on his drink. "Oh, ummm.... no, no. Not Ian. We're just friends." Jay paused a little "Can we talk about something else please, if that's alright." Jay stammered, feeling self conscious.

"Sure, I understand. No problem." Paul replied sympathetically.

Paul felt a little embarrassed for making Jay uncomfortable again. It's just the way the two talked - and looked to one another when things were tense or getting to personal - that made him assume there was something more.

-

The food soon arrived and Jay spread all of their selections out over the coffee table. He went to the kitchen and grabbed their beers, plates and utensils for them to divvy up their bounty. Even though they had a big lunch that afternoon, both seemed to be starving and devoured their food in no time.

A couple more beers later, the first six pack now gone - the second on it's way - both men were feeling a little looser.

Again, Paul waded the waters of Jay's personal life "have you ever dated one of those guys from the diner?" he asked. He was curious to know more about him.

Jay grimaced, giving a sour look on his face, as if he'd just chewed a lemon "them, oh god no! No, no." Jay emphatically protested. Shit, all he needed was Paul thinking he was anything like them. Jay sensed he protested a little to much. "We're friendly, but just from around the bar."

Strike 2. Paul was giving it his best shot at connecting with him, but Jay wasn't budging. He was feeling defeated and was resigning himself they'd be nothing more than coworkers. Jay was more than friendly and pleasant with him, he just wasn't accessible. However, something inside Paul told him not to give up - not to dismiss Jay that quickly.

Tired, full from dinner and slightly buzzed from drinking - the guys settled onto the sofa to watch a movie. Jay launched Netflix and found a Marvel superhero movie they'd both enjoy. Jay felt a little bit of relief that the interrogation might be over for now.

About half through, both of them were ignoring the movie and dozing off. Paul was slumped over, leaning up against Jay, who was leaning into the corner of the couch. Jay inhaled Paul - his warm, manly, musky scent mixed with beer and General Tso's Chicken. They sat shoulder to shoulder with Paul's blonde locks tickling Jay's ear. Oh god, this was more than he expected. Actually, more than he thought he could handle. Unable to stop himself, Jay lifted his hand and gently caressed Paul's face - stroking his cherubic jawline from ear to chin and back again. He brushed away the hair that hung over Paul's face, wanting to kiss his forehead adoringly.

Paul stirred, shifting his position slightly, pushing himself further into Jay. The cashmere T-shirt he gave Paul to wear felt soft and familiar, but now smelling arousingly different. Like a school girl holding hands with her crush - saying she'll never was that hand again - Jay felt the same about the T-shirt. He would never give up that scent.

Jay's cock quivered, quickly beginning to stiffen, straining against his sweatpants. He could feel the head getting wet, brushing against the soft, plush lining with every breath he took. He tried not move - not to breath. The way he was sitting, pushed to his side on an angle, the slit of his leaking cock head had constant access to the material. The harder he got - the more confined it became in his pants - the more it rubbed. He reached down to adjust himself, to loosen the grip the fabric had on shaft and balls, but it just shot more electricity through his body. He felt his breathing quicken as he tried to stifle the whimpering he was making - his balls whispering "why won't you let us cum?" Without prompting, involuntarily, he felt his toes beginning to curl as waves of pleasure took over. Jay arched his back and moaned quietly, loosing control completely as he lost his load. Round after round of warm, thick juice launched down his thigh - finally running down the side of his leg and wetting the back of his pants. He thought he counted five blasts but he was to delirious to be sure.

Jay tried to move Paul without disturbing him.

The last thing Jay wanted him to see was the wet, sticky stain on his pants - the happy ending Paul unknowingly gave him.

-

Jay tried to gently lift Paul off his shoulder without waking him. He seemed surprisingly heavy, but it could've just been exhaustion and alcohol hindering him. Priority number 1 was making sure Paul didn't see the dried, crusty cum creased across Jay's crotch. He let himself go limp - too little too late - to slide out from under Paul, leaving the blonde leaning into the corner of the couch. Jay quickly ducked into his bedroom and changed his pants, tossing the evidence into the laundry. Returning from his bedroom, Jay found Paul slowly waking up.