I'm Not Gay

I'm so sorry that this has taken so long. I've been incredibly busy with school. I'm not sure whether this will be the ending that everyone has been hoping for or not. However, I hope you enjoy it. I won't be writing for a while after this is posted because I'll be finishing up my last year at college. Sorry! Let me know your thoughts as always. Thank you for your time!

I quit my job. I just quit with no warning and no plan. It was two days ago after I got back from Brawnee Falls. Originally, I planned on using my remaining vacation time as "me time". Then I realized that I didn't really want to spend time with "me" right now. So I called my office and planned to end my vacation early. I started that day like any other. I wasn't happy with my job, but it paid the bills and I was good at it. However, that day, everything felt wrong. Everything that had previously irritated me felt increased tenfold.

I started thinking

Why am I here? What purpose is this serving? I deserve better than this. If the whole Bryson debacle taught me anything, it's that I deserve to be happy.

I decided right then that I wouldn't ever be happy with my life as a whole if I was unhappy with any aspect of it. I needed to find work that made me feel purposeful. Work would never be a party, but it could at least feel better than this. I got up from my desk and moved towards my boss's office. We had a very brief discussion. I had never had much of an effect at the office because I had been so unhappy there. He didn't argue to keep me, but he did say that he would miss such a hard worker. I would work for the next two weeks and then my time would be my own. After I got out of work that day, I called Alex.

I heard Alex's voice say "Hello?"

"I quit my job."

"Well, hello then. I think that's a good thing. You hated it anyway. Do you have any idea what you're going to do?"

"Not exactly. I decided today that I wanted to quit so I just...did it. I've never made a decision like that before. It's kind of exhilarating. I've been thinking about it, though. I have enough savings to last me for a while. I'm going to take my time and look for a job that really interests me. I think I might like to do something more in the lines of advertising and less direct PR. I don't really know, though." I had been thinking about it ever since I quit that day. I enjoyed the marketing aspects of my job. There was something else that I'd been thinking about and I brought that up to Alex. "I also think I might want to move out of the city?"

"And go where?" Alex asked

"I don't know. Anywhere. I've been thinking that it might be nice to move a little closer to home. It was really nice seeing my family."

"Then, do it! Move here to Brawnee Falls, Noah. You can be happy here. I've almost got 75% of the town smiling at me in public. I'm making so much progress." Alex joked.

"You know I can't move to Brawnee Falls, Alex. Bryson is in Brawnee Falls. I just meant somewhere near there." I finished with a cringe. It still hurt when I said his name.

"Oh, did he get Brawnee Falls in the divorce? That's ridiculous, Noah. This is your hometown, too." Alex huffed.

"I'll think about it." I said, but I knew that I wouldn't think about it. I wasn't ready to move back to Brawnee Falls and see Bryson every day.

I got off the phone with Alex right as I was arriving at my apartment. After I entered my apartment and closed the door, I sighed and looked around. My apartment was kind of a mess. I suppose it was some sort of analogy for how my heart and mind were at the moment. Being that my mission was to stop just accepting unhappiness, I decided to clean up. For the past couple nights, I had been sitting here sulking and thinking of Bryson.

After I cleaned up, I began my search for a new job. I did research into different jobs and decided that I was definitely looking for something in the marketing/advertising field. The next two weeks passed pretty quickly. Besides researching potential jobs, I had to research places to live. I knew I didn't want to stay in Chicago. I wasn't happy here and I had very little tying me here besides my apartment, for which I had to find a sub-letter. I talked to Alex multiple times and he always tried to persuade me to move back to Brawnee Falls, even going so far as to give my name and number to a friend of his who owned an advertising agency in the town over. I could live in Brawnee Falls and commute there in 15 minutes. I was tempted, but then I would consider the pain that would accompany seeing Bryson again and I would reconsider. Finally, I decided that it couldn't hurt to call the owner and get an idea of what the job would entail. The owner's name was John and I could tell 5 minutes into the conversation that this job was an awesome opportunity. It was a better salary and more interesting work. John seemed great and we really got along. He offered me the job, but I wasn't ready to commit. I asked him if I could think about it and get back to him. I hung up the phone and sat on my floor. I had already started packing some stuff up and, as I looked around my apartment, I realized just how alone I was. I deserved to be around people that loved me. I had so much waiting for me in Brawnee Falls: my parents, my brother, and my newfound friendship with Alex. I didn't have to see Bryson if I didn't want to. I could live in the town that the agency was in and just drive the 15 minutes to go see my family. I could insure that Bryson wasn't there when I went to visit. I had made my decision. I was going to live my life for me now. I wasn't stupid. I knew that I would eventually see Bryson, but I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I called John back and accepted the job. I planned to start in a month, which gave me enough time to sublet my apartment and find an apartment down there.

I called Alex to tell him the good news.

"You took the job? So you'll be living in Brawnee Falls?", he asked.

"No. I'm going to live in Fairfield, where the agency is, but I'll come see you guys all the time."

"Noah, I know I've been pushing you towards this. But are you sure you're ready?" he asked, with concern in his voice. "You know what, Alex? If I don't do it now, I never will. I want to do this and I'm not going to let Bryson affect my decisions anymore. You heard what happened. He screwed up, not me. It's been a month. He knows where I live. If he wanted me back, he would have done something. He wasn't ready to come out. I can't blame him. It's not like I'm open about my sexuality either. I just thought that it meant more, you know? I need to get over him, for good this time. He's my brother's best friend. I'll never be able to avoid him entirely." I said with a confidence I didn't know I had. I believed the words as I spoke them. I loved Bryson, but I couldn't let him destroy me.

"That's good. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to take a week and find someone to sublet your apartment and then you come down here and stay with me until we can find you a place in Fairfield. You can hide out from Bryson if you want, but I want to hang out with you. Plus, I never liked the idea of you all alone with no friends up there in Chicago." I laughed at Alex's mother hen behavior.

"Ok, Mom. Sounds good."

"You're a smart ass. I don't know why I'm friends with you. I'm a saint, I guess" Alex joked.

"Goodbye, Saint Alex" I said and hang up.

It only took me a week to get my apartment sorted out. I packed all of my stuff in my car. It was amazing how little belongings I actually had. I had rented a furnished apartment, so I only had knick-knacks to move. I would have to buy all new furniture when I got down to Fairfield. Maybe my mom could help me find that stuff. The thought of my mom sprucing up my apartment made me really happy. It gave me a sense of home that I hadn't had in a really long time.

As I drove to Brawnee Falls, I considered my future. I needed to be open about my sexuality. I'd always thought that being open was shoving it down peoples' throats. I never wanted attention and I thought that, by admitting I was gay, I would be drawing everyone's attention to me. I never wanted to be defined by my sexuality. That was my biggest fear. I never wanted to be described as "gay" because that wasn't all that I was. Now, however, my experiences had taught me that, while I still don't want to be described only as "gay, it's nothing to be ashamed. I should be proud of who I am. Yes, I am a gay man. I'm also a smart, strong, creative, loving, caring, friendly, and funny man. The right people would describe me with the right adjectives. And I shouldn't worry about the wrong people. They could describe me however they want because I won't listen long enough to know. Brawnee Falls may not be ready for me to be gay, but I was ready to be gay in Brawnee Falls. If Alex could do it, then I could too. Granted Alex wasn't from Brawnee Falls, so there would be significantly more scandal once people found out that one of Brawnee Fall's own was a homosexual. I can't even imagine the uproar that would occur if Bryson ever came out, which was unlikely.

I arrived at back in Brawnee Falls approximately a month after I'd left in such an emotional flurry. I felt a little tug on my heartstrings, but I wasn't as destroyed as I thought I'd be. I was learning more and more that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. When I got to Alex's house, I grabbed my overnight bag and walked to the door. I knocked on the door and waited. I heard the shuffling of foot and a muffled curse as he ran into something. The door opened and all I could see was Alex's big smile and his outstretched arms. I dropped my bag and accepted a big hug. It was the first time I'd seen Alex since the whole Bryson debacle. Although we'd kept in touch and I considered him to be my best friend at the moment. As I stepped back from the hug and was reminded of just how attractive Alex was, I cursed my stupid mind and heart for not being sensible and just falling in love with Alex. He was clearly the better option. Alas, the heart wants what it wants. Better men than I have tried and failed to change their hearts.

"How are you, kid?" Alex asked as he grabbed my bag from the floor and dragged me inside.

"I'm...alright, I guess." I said.

"Well, that's enthusiastic." Alex deadpanned.

"I'm really actually fine. It hurts. Of course it does. It was like your favorite fairytale coming true only to crash around you later. I'm surprising myself, though. I'm stronger than I thought."

"Of course you are. You're a strong person, Noah. You can get over him, assuming you actually want to get over him. There's no chance of reconciliation?" Alex asked hopefully. Alex had strangely always been a supporter of Grayson. He understood Grayson's shortcomings, but he always wanted to see the best in people. He always said that he felt possibility for Grayson and me. I didn't share his optimism, but I wanted to.

"I don't think so. Who knows? I didn't think there was a chance of me sleeping with him either and look how that turned out."

"Touché. Let's go get something to eat." Alex said while putting his arm around me.

For the next week, Alex and I looked at apartments around my workplace. Everything was either too small, too shabby, or the apartment building was inhabited by creatures from the blue lagoon. Not exactly what I was looking for. I was getting very disheartened.

As we were driving back from looking at an apartment that looked like it belonged on Law and Order, I started seriously reconsidering my decision to move out here. Was it stupid? Was I doing the right thing? Would I be happ-

"STOP!" I practically screamed.

Alex jammed on the brakes. Thank god there was nobody on the road behind us. I couldn't peel my eyes away from the window. I was looking at my home. In front of the car was a two-story Victorian house that was the perfect size with a wraparound porch. The most perfect part about it was the "For Sale" sign in the front yard. It looked old, but recently renovated. I walked up to the house and felt an instant connection. As I walked up the stairs and ran my hand along the railing, I was enraptured by the tale I had spun only a couple months ago involving Bryson, me, and our family on a wraparound porch that was very similar. Perhaps what I liked most about this house was that it reminded me of him. Maybe not healthy, but I didn't have to admit that to anyone but myself. As I pulled myself out of my reverie, I looked over at Alex.

"Is this the one?"

"I think so. I need to call the agent. I want this house."

"You haven't even seen the inside. What if it's falling apart?"

"Well, then, I know a strapping young gentleman, and by that I mean you, that will help me fix it up." I looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Alright. Let's go back to my place. You can call the agent on the way."

I placed the call to the agent and we made plans for me to see the house the very next day. It was perfect because I really wanted to get things settled before I started work the day after next. After I hung up with the agent, I went into the kitchen to find Alex. He was working on dinner.

"Well, I have plans to go see it tomorrow. Want to come?"

"Sure, if you go before I have to work at 3." He said while stirring the noodles.

"I never understood your work hours. People really go to a strip club at 3 in the afternoon?" I questioned.

"You'd be surprised." Alex laughed.

"Honestly, Alex, why are you working there? I don't mean to insult you, but you're so smart. Why aren't you doing something more than being a bartender?" I asked. It wasn't especially tactful, but I was stumped as to why Alex was working at a job that is so below his intellectual capabilities.

"I'm just in transition, I guess. I can't figure out what I want out of my life. One day, I want to be a writer. The next day, I want to be a travel photographer. I'm too varied. I'll figure it out eventually, though." Alex shrugged.

I didn't have anything to say to that, so I moved on. We talked about music, history, and movies. After a delicious dinner, we grabbed our glasses of wine and sat on the couch. We sat facing each other and talked about our hobbies. As our conversation tapered off, our eyes met. I was overwhelmed by how much we had in common and the urge to just be with someone who cared. We both leaned forward and our lips met. His lips were soft and warm. He was a good kisser.

"So...that was..." I stammered.

"Yeah, there was nothing there, was there?" Alex finished.

"No. I'm sorry. I wanted there to be something there, but there's just no...spark. God, that's so cliché." I winced.

"It's fine, Noah. We're friends. If there was something romantic between us, that would be an added bonus. I'm just happy to have you as a friend."

"Alright, I'm going to bed. We're meeting the real estate agent at the house at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning."

I hugged Alex and went to the guest room. As I lay in bed, I thought of Bryson. I haven't seen him in over a month and he still lingers in my life. I was doomed. I just have to accept my fate. Maybe once I'll get the house, I can buy 37 cats and turn into the crazy old man with a bunch of cats. I rolled over and tried to fall asleep. I had a big day tomorrow.

In the morning, Alex and I met the real estate agent, Ashley, outside the house. She was a kind, middle-aged woman in a skirt suit. I got the same feeling I got yesterday when I drove by the house. It felt like a place that had meaning for me. I didn't know why.

We walked in the front door and we were met with a small foyer that had a hallway with arches leading to the living room and dining room and a swinging door leading to the kitchen. There was a small bathroom downstairs, as well. There was a wooden staircase leading upstairs where there were two bedrooms and a bathroom. Every room was beautiful. The house had wooden floors throughout, except the wonderful tile floors in the bathrooms. Alex and I commented on each room and planned where furniture could go. I decided then and there to take the house. I knew these decisions were generally supposed to be more well thought out, but I'd been making well thought out decisions for the majority of my life and look at where that got me. I was standing in the living room while Ashley went to grab the paperwork when I felt arms surround me from behind.

"You're going to be very happy here. It's a beautiful house. Ashley told me that it was just completely redone." Alex said as he hugged me.

"Thank you." I said as I put my hands on the arms wrapped around my shoulders.

We heard a little gasp and turned around to see Ashley standing there. I panicked. I had never let someone in Brawnee Falls see me with a man. This was a huge turning point. I decided not to be ashamed of it, though. Even though Alex and I weren't technically a couple, I had nothing to hide. I stared Ashley in the eye and dared her to question us.

"I didn't realize you guys were a couple! Oh, that's so exciting! You guys are too cute. This house is perfect for a young couple. The neighborhood has a lot of kids too, if you are ever planning on adopting. Although, I read that a lot of gay couples are hiring surrogates nowadays." Ashley gushed.

I moved to correct her about our relationship status, when Alex kissed me on the cheek and said, "We're still deciding on kids, but we love the house. It's the perfect place to start our life together."

I gawked at him and noticed the mischievous glint in his eye. He was playing a prank on poor sweet Ashley. I figured there was no harm in it so I played along. I hugged, flirted, and stared adoringly in all the right places. Ashley was dutifully charmed by our pretend love. She left the room and came back with all of the paperwork in her hand.

"Well, everything looks to be in order. Only one more thing, the renovator of the house had one stipulation in selling the house. He wants to meet the people that are buying it beforehand to make sure that they're good people." I panicked once again at the thought of some burly construction worker denying me my house because we were a gay couple. "Don't worry, sweetie. I've just called him and discussed the fact that you two are homosexuals and he doesn't care. He said he just wants people who will treasure the house. I think you'll pass that test with flying colors. We'll meet at the house again tomorrow, if you don't mind."

We made plans to meet tomorrow at 10 in the morning. I worried the whole night. After Alex went to work, I sat on the couch and thought of a laundry list of things that I could do wrong tomorrow. They ran the gamut from throwing up on the renovator to setting the house ablaze accidentally. Completely ridiculous, but still in the realm of possibility. I finally wore myself out to the point that I could retire to bed. In the morning, I awoke with renewed energy and confidence. I would get this house if it killed me.

We met at the house and Alex and I resumed our loving couple act. Alex thought it was funny and I obliged because I thought it was harmless. It seemed to truly fascinate Ashley. We were hugging and discussing our plans for children, when I heard someone clear their throat. I turned and my arms fell to my sides as all the blood left my face. Standing there was Bryson Ganton, love of my life, with an equally shocked look on his face. I saw the pain in his eyes as he looked from me to Alex. Oh god, Ashley told him we were a gay couple and he walked in on us planning our children's names. He doesn't know this is just a game. As I looked back into his face, he put up a stony wall. He moved into the room and said, "Well, this won't take as long as I thought. I know these two. They'll be great homeowners. Very happy together. Go ahead, Ash. Sell it to them. I wish them the best." He said the last part with a little bitterness as he was heading out of the door. I heard the front door open and close. I couldn't take it so I ran after him. As I pulled open the front door, I saw Bryson resting his head on his arms on the hood of his truck.