We went back inside
'58 Tour Eiffel,'
enjoying some of the best food I've ever eaten, plus the view - wow it was just to die for - atop of Paris, looking down on one of the most beautiful cities below. My eyes and senses were in overload - the place, the people the ... feeling it gave me...that feeling that life is truly wonderful as it is... Right! No wonder there were so many people professing their undying love for each other in here, both outside on the platforms with the city stretched out in every direction around you, or inside where the old world charm and pure French chic was everywhere. Perfect place for it.
'Okay, and sorry Mom and Grandma – you're gonna haunt me for this - but damn, the food is just wonderful, just so damn nice! Maybe my exuberance and tastebuds have been enhanced with the half bottle of red we had - it might have helped, I guess.'
I was sipping on the remainder of my glass, looking at Ben who had this look on his face like he was the cat that swallowed the canary.
"Hey! You okay?" he smiled.
I fibbed, kinda, as my mind was spinning so fast that I thought I was going to reach critical mass and implode, "Yeah, all good. How could I not be?" I reached across the table and touched his hand.
Before I knew it, we'd finished up dinner and were headed back to our apartment. It just seemed to go like a blur. Somewhere in our conversation, I'd said that I didn't want the dessert from the menu, making Ben blush big time. "Let's head home. I think I'd like to get me some 'southerner' for dessert," I said in my worst possible southern accent. It worked though.
As beautiful as the Eifel Tower and Paris by night are, I needed to think and process all that had happened. We slipped out to the waiting elevator and down to the promenade below, walking over to the Taxi rank holding hands. It was such a beautiful night out. I kind of regret not walking back home taking more of it in, more quiet time with Ben.
I spent most of the trip back staring out the window of the Taxi Parisien. All I could think about was what I would have said if he'd popped the question. The thought was fully absorbing my mind. Is this normal? I've never felt like this before or been so consumed or distracted by something that didn't happen. Ben was sitting back, oblivious to the madness going on in my head. I could see out the corner of my eye he was smiling and looking out the other window. He held my hand, rolling his thumb over my knuckle. He seemed content with the night, where we were at. I was a mess inside my head, so conflicted. Full of self-doubt. Plus kind of disappointed, in a way, that he'd gone to all this trouble to give me a friendship ring? Was it meant to be something else and he changed his mind? Maybe I'm the one that is head over heel here and not Ben... See! I have not a fucking clue what to think or do!
Was it something that he was even thinking of, or me too even? If I'm honest with myself, if he had asked, you know - popped the question, would I have said "Yes"? Well maybe? I don't know really.
I guess - with a long engagement to see if it would work because we haven't known each other all that long, I think? Is Ben someone I could settle down with? I really like him a lot. I guess, if I'm honest... I might even '
love
' him.'
Trying to understand what I would do, it's just too hard - so many questions, so many thoughts. Maybe it's because I so monumentally fucked things up with Sam, my ex-wife too - it can't be all her fault I have to own some of it. Is it possible that I'm just one of those people that hits the self-destruct button on themselves whenever someone comes along and loves them or wants me to be part of their lives?
I guess the bigger question is - yeah the elephant in the room, or more in my head - have I gotten over losing Sean or Sam? Did I still have unfinished business with my ex, Tracey...?
I can hear dad now, "test-strength in a relationship is how we cope in our day to day lives. After you finish the picking flowers stage with a person, you have to live with them and they with you." Ben and I, we've both got high-pressure all-consuming jobs. That's gonna be hard for anyone to have a relationship that works, let alone 'self-destruct-o' me.
Mom and dad always used their favourite line on us since we were kids old enough to understand it. It seems only their daughters were able to take the advice on board - Mason and me, maybe not so much. Funny part is though, I vowed 'never to get married again'. I think I could see myself in a long-term relationship with Ben... maybe... arrgh... I'm so confused!
Sirens wailing in the distance pulled me out of my own thoughts. I looked across at my Texan who was quietly looking out the window of the taxi as we drove along the beautiful boulevard passing the Arc de Triomphe.
It's weird, right - I felt myself falling back into my mind again. But I could easily see us doing this - driving here, there, or going through life comfortably into old age. I must be under the love drug or something - my mind is so full of turmoil. The whole thing is making my head hurt.
Subconsciously, I raised my hands and rubbed the centre of my forehead, letting out a little moan in frustration.
"What's up Jamie? Come on, share?" Ben looked around at me smiling.
"Was just thinking."
"Oh, I thought those loud noises were from the cobble stone road, not your head." Ben laughed.
I leaned over, whispering in his ear, "The only banging noises will be what I'ma going to do to you when we get back." I gently rubbed the tip of my nose against the side of his cheek just near his ear, and murmured "hmmm."
"You enjoyed it tonight, right?" There was a look of trepidation on his face.
"Of course I did Ben. Wow! Who wouldn't? Beautiful place, food, you and this..." I lifted my hand a little, rolling my thumb over the ring on my right hand.
"Cool! You just seem a little distracted or upset since, you know. You're okay with it, right?" Now there was a tinge of fear sweeping across his face.
"Hey, I couldn't be happier. It's just been such a great night, so many wonderful things, experiences you know." I leaded over and kissed his cheek gently. "I'm just not sure that I'm worth it all really."
"Hey, don't let anyone say you're not worth it, okay? I'd give you anything, everything. I think you're amazing, James Lucas Spence, and you're mine." Ben pulled me closer again. His hand slipped up my chest, his fingers coming to rest on the back of my neck. Slowly he pulled me to him, our lips met and we kissed, gently at first. He pulled back a little. "I could do this forever!" Our lips met again, our kiss deepening quickly, thankfully not enough to make the cab driver crash though. We pulled apart. "Thank you, Jamie."
"What for?"
"For... just being you."
..o0o..
The thoughts that had consumed me all the way back were dissipating as I looked at the beautiful guy sitting next to me.
