Jay's Loelife

chapter

twenty-nine

loe

"

Good morning!"

I sing into the camera

.

"Corey and Lily's wedding has officially wrapped up.

The outpouring for those two has been touching and I don't get touched often

."

Corey laugh off camera. "

Riiiiight.

"

"

Emotionally,

" I correct. "

I don't get touched emotionally

." I point the camera at my friend. "

Instead of making fun of me, why don't you thank everyone

?"

Corey smiles and pulls his wife into the frame. She pulls back a little, not feeling camera ready after a long weekend, but he holds tight. "

We are so thankful. This week was a true blessing. Oceanside Resort went out of their way to make sure nothing was left wanting. As a thanks to you guys for being supportive, and to Oceanside for having the most excellent hospitality , I decided to give one lucky follower and their guest a free one-week stay. All-inclusive plus travel."

"Except you know me. I can't let Corey take all the glory, so I'm upping the ante. Make that TWO trips—"

"Excuse me."

Isaac shoves me

. "I want in on this."

I smile. "THREE trips—"

Cole leans across the table and shoves his hand, with four fingers showing, into the camrea. "Me FOUR!"

I push all the guys out of the way and laugh. "

Before we go broke, head to my website, which is linked below. It has all the details and how to enter. There is no purchase to enter. This is a gift from us to four of you. Now hurry! And remember, it doesn't matter if you're livin' the low life, or the highlife, just make sure you're living that island life!"

Once I'm done, Isaac huffs from the other side of the table. "'Morning Dumbass."

I flip him off and smile at the ever lovely and still pregnant Lily. "How is Mrs. Daughtry doing?"

She lights up as she gazes at my dear friend; her baby daddy and now husband. "Amazing. It's been the best day ever, and it's only ten."

I look at her belly. "Until Mya arrives."

I wait for someone to bring up last night, but no one does. It's quiet, unusually so. Everyone but Lily looks a little worse for wear. Nevertheless, I smile, I laugh, I keep it light. By noon, it's time for Corey and Lily to head out. Their honeymoon awaits.

"You'll watch her once she's born?" Corey asks, his arm hanging out the back window of their car. "So we can have a proper honeymoon?"

"Not a chance on your life."

He pouts. "But you watch Aidan." -

"Jay watches Aidan. I just look pretty."

Corey narrows his eyes. He knows I'm lying about looking pretty. I look smoking hot. Jay tells me so. He also knows I'm lying about not watching Mya. Of course I will.

Before they take off, Corey turns to me, his eyes serious. "

Dude...

"

"I'll smooth things over on the plane ride home. You worry about keeping your lady pregnant for the next week. Unless this is your plan for dual citizenship," I joke.

He shakes his head but gives me a giant hug. I try to pull away, but Corey holds tight. "You've changed a lot since you've met Jay...but you're still holding shit back. Ask yourself if you

want

those changes because you already know you

like

those changes. Then you need to decide if you're ready to

accept

those changes."

I kiss the side of his head and push him away. "Go." They give one last wave and then they're off for the next ten days.

Everyone else leaves shortly after. It's just Isaac, Cole, and myself. With our luggage stacked under the palm tree, we spend our last hours lounging on the deck.

Cole flicks his hat up and eyes me. "How are you actually doing?"

I push my sunglasses up and scrub my face with my hands. How am I really doing? Fucking dandy. The look on Jay's face was...nothing I've ever seen. It was a different side of him. "I'm nervous."

"You really think Jay will be on the plane?"

"I may not know what I'm up against when I see him again, but I know with certainty that Jay wouldn't leave the country without me."

They don't believe me.

****

The airport is more of a hotel lobby than the bustling mini-cities we have in the States. While Isaac and Cole shop for last-minute souvenirs and plane snacks, I grab a small bouquet of flowers deemed safe for international travel. They're colorful and pretty, I guess. I shift them around, not really sure how to hold them without looking like a fucking dumbass.

"Whatcha got there?"

Shit. I lift them up. "Too much?"

He laughs and we head to the gate. "Not enough. But it's something."

I look down and watch as a few petals flutter away. I probably shouldn't carry them upside down, but I don't want to walk through the airport like a bridesmaid. "He'll probably trash them, anyway."

"Maybe."

"Fuck you. You're supposed to have my back on this."

Cole looks at me like I'm a fucking idiot. "Dude, I have your back, and I'm rooting for you, but, man, I was there last night. If you were a Transformer, you'd have been a backhoe. Dig, dig, diggin' your own grave."

Isaac laughs so hard his soda dribbles down his chin. "He ain't wrong, brother. Last night was hard to watch. It went from bad to a train wreck in an instant."

I glare at my good-for-nothing friends. "Thanks."

Cole looks proud of himself as he plops down in one of the gate chairs. Once his carry-on is tucked away, he looks around. "You think he's here already?"

I don't see him anywhere and I've been scanning around since arriving. Jay will stand out. "I doubt he wants to attract attention. He'll probably show right before boarding."

Isaac groans. "That's going to be awkward. I was hoping you guys could hash this out

before

we board. There's nowhere for us to hide on that tiny plane."

"Less I have to relay later since you'll have front row seats."

"You've never made having front row seats less appealing than you just did. Thank you for that."

The minutes tick by. Jay's still not here. The guys don't say anything, but I see them keeping an eye out.

"He'll be here, trust me."

Our flight attendant approaches us with a smile. "We're ready to board now."

"Give us two more minutes?" I ask. "We're waiting on one person."

"Of course." Since we're flying private and we're her only customers, she takes a seat next to us while we wait.

And wait.

She looks at her watch and stands. "Ready?" I can tell we won't be granted another extension. We follow her out.

On the way to the tarmac where the plane is waiting, I glance back every few seconds in case he's running late. Isaac lingers at the bottom of the airstairs. He opens his bag and starts digging for time. But there's none left. I bite the tip of my thumb. Jay really left me.

"Alright, we need to board." The flight attendant urges.

I tap the bouquet against my hip, sending a few leaves fluttering into the breeze before reluctantly climbing the stairs. With one last glance backwards, I board the plane.

****

Every call I've made since landing has gone to voicemail. I swerve and take his exit. It's kind of on the way home, but not really. Isaac and Cole grumble. It's been a long day. They don't want to make a detour; they want to get home. I get it, I really do.

I pull into Jay's driveway. "If I'm not back in ten minutes, go ahead and take off."

Given our last encounter, I think it's best to err on the side of caution. I knock on the front door. He doesn't answer.

He's forcing my hand

, I tell myself. If he answered the door, I wouldn't have to go through the garage. The code is C.O.D.E. which I always thought was stupid. I punch it in. It flashes red and beeps three times. I try again, slower, and with more purpose.

Fuck

.

I walk around the house, peeking through the windows. It's dark inside. He's not ignoring me, he's just not home. I jog back to the SUV. Isaac rolls down the window.

I scratch the back of my neck. "What do you think it means if he changed the lock code?"

Cole diverts his eyes. Isaac watches me sympathetically.

I slam my fist on the window seal. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

****

"Do you have a plan?" Isaac is driving and I'm sulking. We're halfway home and not a word has been spoken. "I don't think it's a good idea to track him down unless you have a very detailed and well thought out plan."

"I don't need a plan. I need to see Jay. I could have handled last night better; I see that now. If I can talk to him in person, I can smooth things over. Jay will understand." Isaac doesn't seem convinced. "What?" I sulk. "You don't think so?"

"Maybe you should take a few days to think things through. You need to know how far you're willing to go for him, because I don't think he will go back to how things were."

I lean my head against the headrest and sigh.

****

It's the stupidest shit. Jay left me in another country and then changed his lock codes. Oh, and he's not answering my calls or returning my texts. I've been home for twenty-four hours and my skin is itching. I think this is more than a little quarrel.

I'm at the top of a fucking mountain that I need to find my way off of, but my safety rope is shitty as fuck. I need to be careful. One wrong move and I'll never make it down alive.

He might've changed his locks, but our calendars are still linked. He should be home by six. I pull up around eight. The lights are on. Knowing him, he's in his sweats, winding down for the night.

I fidget under the portico and wait for him to answer.

The door opens. He stands there with a hard look, not letting me in.

Okay

. I wish I would've brought those damn flowers. I'd drop anything he wants at his feet right now just to not have him look at me like this.

"I tried calling." Of course I called. He's seen me on his caller ID. He probably silenced my calls as they came in. And because I want him to know exactly how insane I am, I add, "And you changed your locks."

His brow perks at the admission.

"Can I come in?"

Jay doesn't move for a full ten seconds, but it might as well be an eternity. My gut knots like a snake killing its prey. Finally, he steps aside.

"Well, you're here," Jay says from behind me. "Say what you came to say."

I can't stop myself. I slide my hands around him. "I'm sorry." I press myself against his chest and run my hands over his back. "If I could take back everything I said, I would."

Jay says nothing, so I keep my hands moving, touching every part of him I can. Jay is super into touch. It's something that makes him feel good.

I press my lips against his jaw. "I don't want to fight."

"And?"

I graze my nose against his collarbone and then nuzzle the crook of his neck. He smells good; like Tide detergent and Jay. I hook my arms around his neck and pull until his lips touch mine‌. It's soft and sweet. His tongue feels like heaven. I walk him backwards until he's pressed against the wall.

It wakes him up. Jay grabs my wrists and pulls them from his neck, then forces me back. "Go home, Loren."

"But—"

"You came here with a bandaid, not a first aid kit."

I reach for him again, but he won't let my hands near his person. With a face of stone, he points to the door. "Go."

****

I collect all the spare pillows I can find and use them to build a substitute mega Jay-pillow on the left side of the bed. The only thing I accomplish is making myself feel like more of a loser.

The things I said were horrible. I fucked up. I'm lucky to be in a relationship with Jay. He needs to know how special he is. Maybe trying to seduce him wasn't the best plan. He needs more of an effort.

I pace all morning until eleven when the flower shop opens. "I'd like to have some flowers delivered."

"We can definitely do that. What are you thinking?"

"Something big. How many flowers do you think it would take to fill a large living room and kitchen?"

I want him to open the door and have an endless line of flowers marched into his house. Personally, I think it's cheesy as fuck. If he did that to me, I wouldn't talk to him for days But Jay loves cheesy.

"Oh," she says, her voice alarmingly high pitched. "Depends, but it's more than we have in stock. I would need at least four days."

"Four days is fine."

****

The slowest time has ever moved.

****

My phone rings. "We had thirty guys deliver two-hundred dozen flowers. He was definitely surprised!"

I grin. "Thank you."

Now I wait for Jay's call.

****

I lay back on the sofa with my arms crossed. The drink segment took half a day to film because I '

look like I want to murder everything

' and I wasn't '

smiling right'

. Cole and Isaac got things wrapped up and then chased everyone out of the house before ending the terrible day sitting next to terrible ol' me. They're watching me like I'm some zoo animal that hasn't acclimated to life in captivity.

It's hard to pretend on camera when I'm in a sour mood.

The flowers went viral. It's all over the web, just not in the context I was expecting.

The Seattle Times:

Jay Petermeyer hand delivers flowers to two-hundred small businesses in the greater Seattle area.

Not exactly the reaction I expected.

Cole and Isaac do that thing where they have an entire conversation with one look. I hate it. I hate it even more because I speak that language and know exactly what that conversation is. I toss my head back and groan. "He didn't want the flowers. Life was so much easier when there were no expectations."

Isaac laughs. Whether it's at my stupidity or my excuses, I don't know. "Bro, there were always expectations. You just kept shoving them to the side."

"Life was so much easier when I

avoided

the expectations." The guys laugh, but even I can hear how pathetic I sound. After a minute of wallowing, I sit up. "I'm going to have to do something bigger, aren't I?"

"You know it's not about the size of the gesture."

"So you don't think he'd like it if I bought him a new car?"

They look at me in amusement. I've never been a person who spends money on a guy. I've never had a guy.

If they knew how much those flowers cost...

"Okay, okay." I rub my face. "I know what I need to do."

****

The Shell gas station moonlights as a U-Haul pick up/drop off location. Since Jay has most of the things we need, I get the smallest truck. After a quick stop at the packaging place for boxes, I head home.

I start in the kitchen. My stuff is better than Jay's. It's all top of the line, chef rated products. I pack some clothes. Other than that, it's just a few odds and ends. We'll go through everything else later. It's the gesture that matters.

I strap down all the boxes and a few pieces of furniture. This is a lot of work for one person, but it's something I needed to do by myself. This is the thing Jay wants, so it's the thing Jay gets.

Another night of tossing and turning and it has nothing to do with my mattress.

The next morning, as I make a post workout smoothie, I wonder if Jay would want to swap mattresses. It doesn't matter. My mattress might be better, but it's garbage without him on it.

I walk out of the kitchen and chug my drink in one go. The house is wrecked. I really did a number when I packed all the boxes.

Jay has a meeting and won't be home for a few hours. I debate between being there when he arrives or making a grand entrance.

****

He wants commitment? Well, I'm driving the damn commitment truck, literally. I get out and look at the truck. It's parked kind of showboaty in the middle of the driveway, but it looks good. If this doesn't make him happy, then I don't know what will.

As I stand there, the garage door opens. A moment later, his SUV rolls into the driveway and into the garage, eyeing me as he goes. He walks out of the garage a moment later, looking at the truck. "What's this?"

"I heard you loud and clear, Jay. You want more commitment, so—" I stretch my arm towards the commitment truck.

Ta-da!

I smile even though I'm freaking out. My insides are shaking. The thought of living together has me turned inside out, but it's better than losing Jay.

He narrows his eyes at the truck. The longer he studies it, the more serious his face gets. His brow pinches and his lips go tight. Finally, he looks at me. It's not the look of excitement you'd expect from someone who's getting what they want.

He points to the road. "Go home, Loren."

What the actual fuck?

I go after him, turning him around before he can disappear into the house. "Why are you sending me away? Is this not what you wanted?"

"What do

you

want?"

I can feel the trick curve of the question. Not wanting to have another disaster of a conversation, I bite my tongue and consider my words. "I want to be with you," I respond, slowly, carefully analyzing his reaction to each word.

The way he studies me has me questioning my own motives. I want to be with him, but his eyes tell me it's not enough.

"What made you change your mind?"

"What are you talking about? I've always wanted to be with you. That has never been the question."

He crosses his arms. "You want to be single and have space. Being

with

me is your compromise."

"I meant I compromised at the

beginning

. Being with you is not the compromise. I like being with you, and if living with you will make you happy, then it will make me happy."

Jay puts his hands in his pocket and sighs. It's not a good sigh. It's not a sigh of relief. It's a sigh of...of...resignation. He's resigning himself from the situation—of my patheticness. I'm not sure how what I said was wrong. I love him. I want to be with him. If living together will make him happy, then I'm willing to do it. Those are all facts, but his reaction is not good.

"Go home, Loren."

****

It's just me at the house. Corey is still on his honeymoon and everyone else is done putting up with my shitty attitude. I haven't posted online or checked DMs in days.

I walk around the house and look at the half a dozen unfinished renovations. Mostly minor projects. I need to get them done anyway. On top of that, there are moving boxes everywhere from my failed attempt at reconciliation.

What the fuck is happening?

Two weeks ago I was as happy as I've ever been, as happy as I'd ever be.

I would get down on one knee if I thought it would change things. But I'd fuck that up, too, just like I did the moving thing. The funny thing is, I think I really would marry him, just like I'd really move in with him. The once absurd and terrifying concept is starting to feel like something I want to get on board with. The problem is, how do I tell Jay without him thinking I'm doing it to save face?

I can see most of the downstairs from where I stand. This house was my first big purchase after almost bankrupting myself from stupidity at eighteen. This was my turn around. When I bought this place, I made a promise not to squander what I had. If I kept this house, then I'd never have to rely on anyone ever again. This house has been an anchor in my life. My career has grown in this house, successes celebrated in this house, and memories made in this house.

I walk by the utility room. It was one of the first projects I did. It was a disaster. I flooded the damn place because I didn't know you had to turn off the water first.

The pantry was another disaster. I learned the importance of wall stud after the shelving system collapsed.

Me and this house, we've been torn down and rebuilt together.

Then I look at the boxes and I can't help but wonder—what is this fucking house, this life, if I can't have Jay to share it with?