Dad walked to the kitchen and I followed. He went to the fridge and grabbed a couple of beers. I sat on a stool at the breakfast bar. He opened both and hand me one. He moved to stand at the opposite end of the counter, farthest from me. I didn't want to push him so I waited for him to speak. He took a while. He stood there with his eyes lowered, seemingly collecting his thoughts or maybe debating on whether to tell me at all. I never seen him look so conflicted and at some brief moments, pained.
"Son, I know you said this before. But I really need to know if you mean it," Dad's voice quivered as he spoke. "Will you really still love me no matter what I have to say? I really can't bear to lose you over this."
"Dad I promise. I'm not going anywhere." I stared straight at his face, willing him to look at me so he could know I wasn't lying to him. Slowly he did. As if steeling himself, he took a deep breath and sat in the stool next to me. Even though he sat straight on, I swiveled my chair toward him. Our knees touched...I hope he doesn't move.
"You know losing your Mom was hard on all of us. She was such a light and we really were the best of friends. When she was just suddenly gone, I didn't know what to do with myself...or you. Looking at you everyday all I saw was her. A constant reminder that she wasn't here anymore, that you were all that was left of her. I wanted to do the best thing and be there for you but I swear I was so broken I couldn't deal with it. You were just 13, just a boy. Your mom was only gone four months when you asked to go stay with your Aunt Elisa for the summer. I think even Elisa could tell in my voice when I called her that I needed some time alone. And I definitely knew you needed more than I could give you at the time."
"Yeah I remember talking to you about that. Even thought I wanted to go, I was scared to leave you. Did you know that?"
"I did. You cried really hard the night before I drove you to her place. I hadn't tucked you in since you were eight yet you insisted I put you to bed that night. I felt I owed you that at least. So I just held you and we both ended up falling asleep," Dad smiled at the memory.
"That was the last time you held me like that."
"I know, JJ. That night I dreamt of your Mom. I could smell her hair...even feel the soft curls tickle my nose. The skin on her back felt like silk. I dreamt I was grinding my um...well you know...on her butt. Then I...I woke up..." he bowed his head clearly ashamed to admit the rest.
I put my hand on his thigh just above his knee, "It's ok Dad. You can tell me the rest."
He took a deep breath and continued, "I woke up and found myself spooned against your back and my hand was rubbing the bare skin under your pajama top. My face was buried in the back of your neck and for a moment I thought it was her. Then looked down. And I was hard. His confession seemed to take so much out of him. He buried his face in his hands and tried to contain the tears that suddenly flowed from his eyes.
He was so upset, but he seemed determined to get everything out. I got up fast and quickly fixed your PJs top. I swear I've never been so happy you were a hard sleeper as I was that night," he said with an unfunny chuckle.
Dad told me how ashamed he was. He choked up even more. "Dad, it's okay. I'm sure it was just a physical reaction. It could've happened to anyone," I said rubbing my hand up and down his back, trying to calm him.
"No! You don't get it!" he yelled and pushed my hand away. He looked at me for the first time since sitting down, "I never stopped wanting you!" He got of his seat and started paced the kitchen floor. "When you got back from Elisa's I couldn't stop thinking about you. I had to push you away even more because I couldn't stand what I was feeling and thinking. I couldn't stop it. And I didn't want...I didn't want to do anything bad to you. I couldn't live with myself if I ruined you that way."
"Dad calm down. It's okay. You didn't do anything bad to me. I'm here and I'm fine," I stood in front of him so he would stop moving. I've never seen him so upset before. He was so mad at himself for what he was feeling.
"How can you be fine JJ, when you own father wants to...wants to..."
"Fuck me?"
His eyes darted to mine and he gasped. He held my gaze for several moments before nodding. "Yes," his answer coming out with the breath he was holding.
For the first time he briefly let me see the hunger he'd concealed for so long. His lip quivered as if he wanted to further berate himself for allowing the slip. He tried to look away from me, but I wouldn't let him. I reached out and took his face in my hand. "Dad, don't look away from me. Please?" I said. I didn't recognize my own voice it was so full of desire. I wouldn't let myself question what I was feeling for my Dad at that moment. I just let myself feel...and it felt so...so right.
His eyes rose to meet mine. His face flashing so many emotions. Shocked that I was touching him, excitement from my being so close and most definitely desire. Dad wanted this so bad. And I wanted to give him everything he wanted. Everything he needed. My thumb traced his bottom lip, which quivered more at my touch. I pulled his face closer and he took in sharp breath just before I brushed his lips with my own. Tasting just a little. I heard as soft moaned and I barely felt the slight pucker of his mouth. I went in for a little more. I traced his upper lip with my tongue and he opened up for me. As if that tiny lick was the permission he needed to fully participate.
Fuck it, I'm going for it. I put my arms around his neck dove into his mouth with abandon. I had to taste every part of the warm and wet cavern. I never had anything succulent. He captured my tongue and sucked it and I swear I thought I was going to pass out from a sudden lack of oxygen. My mind suddenly became fully aware of the fact I was kissing the man who gave me my life. The man who I want nothing except to make happy. The man I loved more than anything.
I sank into his mouth and lost myself in the caress of his hands and strong embrace of his arms. He gripped my waist and pulled me in closer causing our now stiff poles to grind deeper into each other. We both released a muffled whine as a result. I'd never been so turned on from just a kiss in my life. I gripped the back of his head trying to devour him even more. I literally forgot the rest of the world existed.
When I felt Dad's hand on the bare skin of my back, my breath hitched and I broke our kiss. His eyes shown briefly with panic but I nodded quickly to let him know it was okay. "Just needed a breath," I said and captured his mouth once more. He caressed the span of my back, leaving a trail of heat with each new area he traveled. He sent sensations through me that were so foreign to me it was making my head spin. I moved from his lips partially to get more oxygen but also because I wanted to taste more of him. I left a moist path down his neck and licked his salty flesh. I just couldn't get enough of his flavor.
"Oh God JJ, that feels incredible. I've wanted this so much. I can't believe you're letting me touch you this way. That you're touching me this way. You don't even seem the least bit freaked out," he chuckled. "Wait a minute," he said pulling away to look at me. "Why aren't you the least bit freaked out?"
I tried to play it off like I was just hiding my shock well, but I never was good at lying to my father. He knew I was bullshitting from the start and demanded I tell him the truth. "Okay Dad, the truth is, I was shocked and completely freaked...when I first found out."
"What do you mean when you first found out?" Dad said pulling himself away from me.
"Dad, please don't be mad at me but it was an accident. I didn't mean to snoop or invade your privacy."
