Part 1
I lost all self respect and fell through the cracks of life at a very young age. Is it any wonder that I spent my life fruitlessly looking to fit in, to belong...to be loved? In my later years, I regained a foothold on what it meant to find my self respect and self worth again. Yet the intervening decades were a tormented history that dogged me still. Prospects of fulfillment and happiness went largely unexplored. The fear of failure had been so ingrained in me that it was difficult...impossible?...to change. It was with a mixture of renewed hope, and the knowledge that time was advancing on me that led me to be brave and seek a way for satisfactory financial stability. Actually, that and the desire for companionship were the only two things I've thought about for the past five years.
My job had morphed from heaven to hell and back to a limbo-like status where the atmosphere and management were improved, but not the overarching Corporate heavy-handedness...as it played out in reality. That was intolerable. I was choking on my disdain for the stupidity that flowed from Corporate offices to the satellite stores. The crass lack of a viable system of organization or support grated daily on my nerves. Not even the skills of Darren could temper my vitriol toward those responsible for the daily chaos that masqueraded as a 'system'. I've been told that most corporate life is similar. God help us all.
Not a single employee likes their job where I recently worked. Not even Darren, but unlike hourly workers, they pay him such an inflated salary that he feels bound and helpless to replace it elsewhere. Money talks and he doesn't have the balls to walk. I love him as a friend; and hope he finds the strength to leave as I did. I had been primed to be submissive and docile; and to expect and accept defeat as my due from that very early time in my life. I am an enigma. I have the strength of mind, and potentially of body, that should have brought me to happy conclusions. Maybe they still can.
Jonah is waiting for me to take the stage; the full choir is rehearsed and ready for our first take at my solo performance. We have only rehearsed separately until now, mostly due to my shyness and fear of letting the others down. It has been three months since I met Jonah. We have become best friends and constant lovers. Except for the recent incident with Phillip, Jonah and I have been inseparable. We are back together, but Jonah has been more tense and terse with me lately, like he is struggling to get over the hurt. I don't blame him. I just can not let him hurt me any more in retaliation.
"Benjamin...do grace us with your presence...we are waiting!" I hear the chuckles from 'friends' on the stage and hold my head high as I bound up the stairs to the stage. I'll confront Jonah later. Right now, I am ready for the rehearsal. The pianist begins at Jonahs direction, and all eyes are on me. I imagine that I am standing before the judges at a taping of auditions for one of Simon Cowell's singing shows. Jonahs' taunt was much like some of the banter I've seen from the show. I take it in stride, and say I am ready to sing for them. I am determined to knock their sox off.
I sing with a voice strong and clear. Every subtle meaning of the words comes through with my nuanced vocalizations. I sing with humility and with conviction. When the time comes for the chorus to join in, not one of them takes the cue. They just stand there in silence. Phillip is the first to applaud, not unnoticed by Jonah. I turn to the group, and they give me a universal thumbs up. I feel good.
"Okay. Okay. Settle down." Jonah's eyes meet mine. "Good job, sir. Now let's get the chorus on board." It is meant to be a compliment, but I am crushed. I can not hold back the tears; and before anyone can see them, bounding off the stage into the outer hallway is the best I can do. I hear Jonah tell everyone to take five. His voice sounds troubled. I scamper to a convenient hiding spot in the lighting control room. He has come to know me all too well.
"Ben?" Go away, Jonah. Leave me alone.
"That's the last thing you want!" He is right. I can not help myself, for I have progressed to the point where total honesty and understanding are all I can allow. I try to muffle the sounds of my tears, but it's no use. He finds me leaning on the equipment, and pulls me in to a gentle hug. I let him hold me. I am afraid to hug him back.
"It's okay." You called me 'Sir', Jonah...not Benjamin, Ben, or sweetie, but 'Sir'. Do you hate me that much now? Can I ever hope for forgiveness from you? I have not asked you to excuse my behavior, but to understand and to forgive it.
"I...I need your help to do that. I don't want to hurt you, Ben, but something inside of me does want some kind of revenge." I sink at his words and fear we are over. I thought we were on a road to recovery, but now I believe the worst. I have embarrassed Jonah, and he has just struck back. My head aches, and my emotions are in turmoil. I have to get...I can't stay tonight, Jo...I turn and bolt for my car.
