Josh's Journal

As requested, this chapter is longer and hopefully better. Wouldn't want to be called a bitch by 'anonymous' again ;)

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Kitty asked me to help at the food pantry. At first, my answer was very firmly no, but then she brought up that community service looks good for colleges. I really need some extracurricular activities to pad my resume. I mean, I play football and basketball and baseball and run track, but that's just athletics. I read an article that said colleges look for well rounded students.

I'll probably end up helping Kitty. She always ends up making me be a better person, usually either because I feel like crap compared to her or because she's just so friggin' nice. She runs the food pantry on her own and it's really pretty amazing how she manages to keep it going since nearly a hundred families come twice a month for food.

I got elected to student council today too. I'm vice president of my class. Chelsea got president, for the fourth year. Kitty is class secretary. I wish I could trade with her. I don't even know what it means to be VP, but I know she'd be way better at the job than me.

But despite the good things that happened today, I feel like such a shitty person. I ignored Ayden in the library today when he tried to say hi. Ever since I did it I've felt so bad. I could've waved to him at least. No one was looking. And it's not like it's his fault I dreamt about him again...

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I'm starting to figure out what exactly it means to be vice president of the senior class, and it really sucks. Chelsea and I are in charge of planning a back to school dance. I thought she was annoying before, but things just keep getting worse. She bitches at me for not helping enough, but then shoots down all of my ideas. But at least I got to make out with her in a supply closet when we were getting stuff for posters.

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I haven't decided yet if I'm going to help Kitty with the actual food pantry, but I did go with her today to put together boxes of canned goods. She was already going by the time I got there, making sure every box had two cans each of corn, green beans, peas, peaches, pinto beans, and pineapple. She was on the phone at the same time, nicely but fiercely reminding some poor soul that he'd promised to donate fifty bags of potatoes, not thirty. She hung up once the guy had upped his donation to sixty bags.

I was constructing the boxes while she filled them and we started talking. At first it was about both of our roles as leader. Apparently, the band was a little bit behind schedule and she was going to have to push them at the next practice. I told her how I felt like no one else took football seriously. We both shared ideas about how to get everyone motivated.

Then she brought something up that I really wish she hadn't. We sort of got into it and I still haven't called her to make up.

"So, how is your mom doing?" she asked. This Saturday would have been my mom and dad's twentieth wedding anniversary.

"She's fine," I replied. I really didn't know though. I hadn't asked her about it.

"Are you planning anything to distract her on Saturday?"

"Nah." I shrugged. "I have a date with Chelsea. I'm taking her to the ice rink."

Kitty gave me a look. "Josh...your mom might need you."

"My dad has been gone for a while, Kitty. She'll be fine."

Kitty sighed.

"What?" I snapped.

"Your mom might not say anything, but try to see it from her point of view. Twenty years ago, she was in love and all dressed in white. And now she's single, hasn't had a date in four months, and her son is a senior in high school about to graduate and leave the nest. She could be depressed. I think you should do something nice for her."

"I didn't ask you," I replied. "Quit being so nosy."

"You quit being so selfish," she snapped back. We packed the last few boxes in silence and then I left.

Kitty's right, of course. I really should be better to my mom.

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I ended up not calling Kitty at all, so I wasn't sure if she was still mad at me when I drove to the food pantry this morning. Of course, she'd forgiven me though. I was really glad for that. I needed her help getting those dreams out of my head.

Kitty was busy though. A bunch of people were trying to get double their share by sending in two people from the same house. Kitty stood at the front door and shot down all the bullshit. She takes her food pantry seriously and nothing sets her off more than the scum that try to take advantage of it.

I just focused on working hard and Kitty gave me an approving look so I knew I was forgiven.

We were starting to clean up when one last car rolled up to the pantry. I tried to hide when I saw it was Ayden. He had four little kids with him, all girls. One looked to be about four, two identical ones looked to be maybe two or three, and then there was a baby in his arms that I judged to be about nine months to a year old.

The little ones clung to his legs and nearly tripped him as he walked inside. I stayed hidden behind the door and listened in.

"Honey, we're closing down," Kitty said. I could tell she felt really bad.

"I know," Ayden replied. "We just...we couldn't get here earlier...I have our ticket here." I heard him start patting pockets.

Kitty stopped him. "We don't have anymore complete packages."

"Please, just...if you have anything..."

"Alright, just wait a moment and let me put together what I can."

I really felt for Ayden. It must have been so embarrassing to have to come in and ask for a hand out like that.

Kitty bumped into me as she came through the door and gave me a good kick to the shin before she realized I wasn't a serial killer. "Help me scrape some stuff together," she asked.

We started filling up a box with everything we had, but it really wasn't much. All that was left was the weird stuff: canned clams, powdered soup labeled 'cock flavored', and even a whole chicken in a can. Kitty went to the store room and came back with some bread and rice in her arms and she was kicking a box with a few potatoes still rolling around. She'd also found a few boxes of pudding mix.

We loaded up the stuff on a dolly and I rolled it out to the rusty old junker Ayden had driven up in. The little girls all came running to us, but Ayden stayed away, looking down.

Kitty went over to talk to him, leaving me to entertain the little kids. I'm no good with children.

"Is there treats in there?" the oldest one asked, putting her hand on her hips.

I shrugged. "Uh, you wanna look?" I wasn't really sure what else to do.

I showed them the pudding first, but that got their hopes all up and they wrinkled their noses at the rest of the stuff. Especially the clams because they had no idea what that was. When I pulled out the soup mix one of the younger ones stood on her tip toes and looked at it.

"What's that say?" she asked, pointing to the word cock.

There was no way I was going to say cock. I was trying to formulate a lie, but the oldest one apparently could read. "Cock!" she shouted and I cringed. She snatched the packet from me. "Hey, big brother, this is cock. Mom said you like this in your butt. You're weird!"

Ayden slapped his hand to his forehead and rushed over the take the packet from her. He herded all the kids into the car and totally ignored me as he drove off in a hurry.

I tried not to think about him while I was having dinner with my mom, but she kept asking me what was wrong. It's really nothing. I mean, I do feel really bad for Ayden and I think I'd still be friends with him, but he could have at least said thank you today. I don't think he's interested. That's just as well. I don't really want to hang out with him now that he's invading my dreams. It's just weird.

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Chelsea brought her own condom for our date. When I was opening it, I felt that she'd poked holes in it. I asked her about it right then. She claimed she'd found it in her sister's room and hadn't done anything to it. I didn't buy it at all so I broke up with her.

It's going to be awkward planning that stupid dance now.

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News that I'm single spread really fast and a lot of girls were flirting with me today. I had Kitty run interference for me, but then the rumor started that I was going out with her. She was really frustrated by that and the more she denied it, the more people believed it.

I don't really care if people think I'm dating Kitty. She's my best friend though so I wouldn't actually date her. I would want to risk messing up our relationship. Still, I'm going to try to help her put that rumor to rest because the cheerleaders started being awful to her.

Apparently, Chelsea put out the story that I was cheating on her. I should have expected that, but what really bothers me is that some people believe it. I'm not the type of guy to cheat. But then again, I try not to be hateful so I'm not going to tell the real story of why we broke up.

There's a volleyball game tonight and I'm going to go to watch Kitty play. She's really good and there's been speculation that the volleyball team might have a chance at state this year.

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I spent most of the game with Kitty in the locker room. Chelsea's best friend, Megan, intentionally shoved Kitty down right as the game started. Kitty's always had bad ankles and she got a pretty nasty sprain. I sat next to her while she iced it, but then she got pretty antsy about the game and insisted that I go text her play by plays So I went and sat in the bleachers. A bunch of people came up to me to talk about our first game coming up. Mostly it was unwanted advice, but their hearts are all in the right place.

I don't tell them, but I'm really nervous about this game. Our first game is going to be at home against the Chilton Pirates. I'm glad that it's going to be on our turf, because the Chilton kids are a pretty rough group. They're all oil field stock and mean as rabid dogs. They're an intimidating opponent but hopefully we can all keep our heads and at least make it a close game.

Chelsea came up to me and asked if we could get back together. I told her I'd think about it, but just because I didn't want to tell her no in public. She'd probably make a huge scene about it. I'm surprised she wasn't more theatrical about asking me in the first place. Maybe she actually does like me, I don't know. Maybe I'll think about it.

I was surprised that Ayden was at the game. He was with some guy and they were holding hands. They got a lot of weird looks, but luckily no one did anything. I felt kind of weird looking at that. Like...I don't know, I felt betrayed.

My dreams about Ayden are getting to the point that I'm really starting to question if it's normal or not. I mean, I'm a teenage guy so sex is pretty much on my brain a lot of the time, but I've never had a dream about a guy. And the fact that I remember it so vividly...how smooth and white his skin was and kissing up and down his chest...I'm about to Google if it's normal.

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Well, I did Google it but I didn't read much because I was freaked out. From what I saw, it might be normal. And plus, I didn't dream about actually having sex with Ayden. I'm sure if I stop thinking about it I'll stop dreaming about it.

Still, I'm gonna double check that I cleared my history. Mom would freak out.

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I got back with Chelsea today. She seemed to be really sorry about what she did with the condom. And we actually had a decent conversation and she told me she just did it because she was curious what sex would be like without a condom. I guess she thought that I wouldn't want to use a damaged one, but would still want to have sex with her. I don't know what she was thinking, but it was nice to talk to her. I guess there's a real person under that make up.

I mean, I guess it would be cool to bareback it. I've never done that before. Well, Chelsea was my first anyway so of course I haven't. If I trusted her more, I'd say we could try it, but I still don't believe her when she says she's on the pill.

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The game is tonight and I'm about to go. I just finished my before game ritual. My mind is in a weird place right now. I got this weird urge to go to the gay porn tab of my go-to site and just reassure myself that I'm not attracted to guys.

There was this one video and the guy in it looked like Ayden, but his eyes were different and his hair had red in it. I was watching this guy get pounded by another punk/emo looking guy and I actually got off to it. And I'd been imagining me and Ayden. Imagining that he was sucking my cock and his straight black hair was against my stomach. I thought about that for a long time and then I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I've never fantasized about another guy before, not even in passing.

This has to stop. It's going way too far. I don't know who I can even talk to. Definitely not Chelsea. She was never an option. I can't talk to my mom. She'd just go run to her parenting websites for advice.

I guess I could tell Kitty. I can tell her anything. But I'm gonna wait a little longer. This is probably just a phase.

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We lost, but that's not the biggest thing that happened tonight.

I was waiting for Chelsea in the parking lot and she was taking forever getting out. At this point, the place was empty and she was still probably posing for pictures to upload onto Facebook. I heard a few people talking and I peaked around the corner to see two people making out.

I was trying to be quiet, but I kicked a rock and they heard me. Turns out, it was Ayden. Whoever it was that was with him ran off in the opposite direction.

"Hey," I said. "Sorry about that."

Ayden seemed really uncomfortable and he shrugged. "Probably for the best..." I watched him fix his belt buckle. His red checkered boxers were showing just a little bit.

I kissed him. His mouth tasted minty. It was like electricity, the warmth of his mouth against mine, the cool metallic feel of his snakebites. I put my hand on the back of his head, my fingers tangling in his straight black hair.

Ayden backed away, but I pressed him against the brick wall. He pushed back right away, wiped his mouth with his sleeve and called me a few rude names as he rushed away.

So I stood there, tired from the game and with a sudden boner.

Chelsea finally came out of the dressing rooms and I drove her home without a word. I'm sure it pissed her off, but I was still thinking about Ayden.