Justification:
It has been said that the most frightening person is not the one who commits the act, but he who can justify what has happened. So to this extent, he lay still in the arms of his lover, staring up at the ceiling considering the multitude of sins washing over him, his soul, corrupted? His mother would surely have said at that moment should she have walked into the room and seen him there. He could justify what he had just done as it felt natural, it felt right, and that's what worried him the most. How could he disregard everything he had been brought up to believe was right and recognise as morally true when in such a short time, he had accepted the opposite path to here, to where he was. He couldn't accept that, yet, in his mind the justification fort he act was beginning to formulate.
He lowered his head onto the ruffled pillow, staring at the face beside him, its eyes closed and still but the person very much awake. A grin was stretched across his face, beads of both their sweats mixed together, moisture from his lips where he had kissed him in passion. This man, his lover, but how had he got to this? How had he chosen to do this act?
Ashley sat alone at the table in the canteen, his 'friends' from work sitting on the opposite table in their social group talking amongst themselves. While he considered putting in the effort to socialise, the will to do so was just not there. He felt alone, he had ever since he had broke up with his girlfriend, or to be technically honest, his girlfriend had dumped him. And that had been that as far as the youth with a full spirit and a keen outlook on life was concerned, things had never been the same since. He missed that person that stared back at him in the mirror, for so long now it had become a lifeless being, staring blankly at the form before him, doing the same routine, studying, working, going to sleep that it became a cycle he could just not get out of. He needed to break the routine, do something unexpected, anything that would bring back that person.
He looked up, a new staff member in blue stood by him. He reached down to his iPod cycling it to mute and took his head phones out pausing the music track. While he could have just ignored the guy, he had enough manners to realise he was being asked if the seats were taken, a show of respect and at the very least he felt compelled to offer an empty seat beside him.
"Hi" the guy, the boy Ashley realised, he wasn't a day over 18. He had a youthful appearance about him, one that gave him a good presentable image. As much as he tried to avoid falling into stereo typing people, his work colleagues did cover a broad spectrum of distinguishable characters, the pretty and rude boys each trying in vain to get into the girls knickers using different persuasions and techniques. The quiet and desperate sorts that sat alone, like himself, Ashley considered smiling slightly, and a wide range of females, the smart quite types, the loud and confrontational sort. This guy, well, ordinarily he might have considered him quite the pretty boy, and that was an unfair judgement.
"Hi" Ashley replied pushing the seat out with his foot with the guy took. He was in his own way quite good looking, perhaps a little under 6 foot tall, thin but toned, his chest probably some type of beer pack. His face was defined, a testament to a life at the gym. Sadly, he had the gelled hair that many a young man had, spiked upwards at most angles presenting an uncared for yet maintained style, a contradiction in itself which many adults labelled this age group to be.
"Did you start today?" Ashley asked pushing his mp3 player into his pocket glancing down at his mobile phone.
"Yeah. I dunno if you know my sister Carol but she got me this job, kinda bugs me though" he said setting his sandwich down. While he didn't know it, the lad had already scored marks with him. The canteen was famed for being nice to its customers, but treating like shit those who brought there own food; and eating so openly in front of the stuff made Ashley smile.
"Names Ashley by the way" he said extending his hand. The guy took it returning the slight hand shake.
"Paul" he replied, taking another bite out of his sandwich and drinking from the water bottle. Paul, Ashley considered, a pretty decent mate, one wearing slightly to much CK1 aftershave but that couldn't be faulted. He had worn that himself for a while before he had been given some Huge Boss as a present and now wore that. Staring at look he could see, characteristics of his name sake, the good look athletic type, famed for being with the nice beautiful girls, making sure people like him stayed in the shadows. His own self doubt almost forced him to resent this guy before he had given him a chance.
"Shit if it bugs you already, wait till you're here two years from now. You'll be ready to kill yourself" Ashley said laughing, looking at Pauls eyes, shaking his head slightly as he looked away. Paul grinned staring at Ashley, before looking back down. Ashley blushed slightly, feeling the warmth in his cheeks and fumbling desperately for his phone as he unlocked it, grinning at the 'text' he suddenly got. Hot flashes? Had he ever felt those?.
"It's not that, I was sorta, well.. I dunno" he said shaking his head.
"Sorta what?" Ashley asked curiously bending his head.
"I was forced out of my old job slightly. Carol took pity and got me this but it just feels so fucked up that I can't get my own life together, I have to count on her to bale me out all the fucking time" he said softly, staring intently at the checked pattern on the table. Many an hour had Ashley stared at that pattern while sharing an awkward silence around a table with his work mates. But when he looked at Paul sitting so quietly, he couldn't help but feel sorry for him, wondering what had driven him from that job into this, certainly not the most forward of career prospects.
