Ieth & the Heart of Dar

Kieth. Again.

Time, I think, to return my thoughts to Kieth once more and finally lay to rest my pain. Perhaps in this fantasized retelling of what could have been I do him more justice than I remember; or perhaps I grieve us both so. The face I barely remember now belongs firmly to the ravages of time--lost to me aside from my own writings. Time gnawed at his image like an old photograph left to the sun and robbed it of all detail, save for the vague recollections of his body.

Shame.

As finals ended beneath blankets of snow, I burrowed into myself, hiding from what sunlight remained in the short days. Winter break stretched out before me like a chasm. I remember that I could still smell Kieth on me--though of course now that scent has long since faded--and try as I might to rid myself of it, the scent of him haunted me. Every breath of him brought with it new waves of self flagellation and guilt and...

More.

The emotions are hard to describe, if you've never experienced it. In the moment, the passion, the adrenaline, the sheer taboo of it all drove me forward. Afterwards, I hated what I had done, and hated myself for having done it--a lifetime of conditioning and social pressure had convinced me that what I felt, what I wanted, what I had done all made me a bad person. Yet intermingled with the doubt and the admonishments I heaped upon myself, were moments of longing, desire, and need. I chastised myself and yet all the same I wanted more. The turmoil and chaos of it all churned within me, around me; hurricane tossed seas upon which I found myself lost.

Kieth, again.

He texted, called, came over even and I ignored it all. Too lost in my emotions to see him again, too lost not to. When I finally did reach out to him, he ignored me in turn. A life preserver just beyond the next swell, bobbing into and out of sight. We found each other on campus just before classes began again in a place I thought was nearly unknown. A windowed nook hidden quietly at the end of a long hall between offices whose sole virtue was being far from the ordinary paths of students. His tall awkward frame hanging over the inviting plush chairs that were never as comfortable as they looked.

Rounding the corner I stood mere feet from him in uncertain silence, frozen in place by the emotionless gaze he turned upon me. We hadn't expected to be confronted with the other so soon. He broke the silence with a heavy sigh and used his foot to push out the chair next to him. Released from the spell of his amber eyes, I allowed my attention to be taken by my original purpose that had driven me here, rifling through my bag for a book or some other such thing.

I paused and stared into my bag, realizing I was being a fool. In turn, I sighed heavily and locked eyes with him again. "I'm sorry," I managed at last. I began to stammer some explanation when I was stopped suddenly by the gentle touch of his hand on my thigh. I looked at his hand in surprise--not sure how I should feel and suddenly more than a little worried someone might see.

"It's okay," he said softly and pulled away. "I shouldn't have pushed you. I should have known you weren't ready for," he paused searching for the words with his hands. "Whatever it was."

"You didn't push me. I came over willingly because I wanted... less than I got, but I could have said no. I could have stopped at any time."

"That's just what I'm talking about," he talked quickly. "I wanted so much more and I shouldn't have taken it from you. It's just been so long since I've been with anyone and I felt desperate. I've been here for almost two years and I still barely know anyone," he made an exasperated noise suddenly. "I'm just so... pent up and, well, it doesn't matter. I used you and you deserve better."

He moved to leave and, without thinking, I grabbed his hand. "Wait," I pleaded. The sudden desperation and sorrow in my voice shocked me. "I need someone I can talk to about this and I don't know anyone else." I let go of him as he sat down and in a flurry I opened up as though a dam broke within me and the turbulent seas began to calm. I told him everything that I had been feeling: the shame, the fear, the anger, the excitement, and the longing.

Kieth listened patiently until I had finally stopped for a breath. "I know exactly how you feel," he said with a sad smile. "Bi guy from Texas remember? Not exactly the state best known for its tolerant and open minded people."

I laughed at that, and for the first time in a while I genuinely felt better.

"Nothing about this is going to be easy," he unconsciously adopted a mentoring tone. "Like you told me before, it's not the first time you've been with another guy," I looked around nervously at that, but he merely smirked and leaned in conspiratorially. "And I hope it won't be the last."

"Fuck, man. Keep it down."

Now it was Kieth's turn to laugh. "Why? Who cares if someone finds out? What does it matter?"

"I don't want to lose my friends, my family, or my life here because people found out I'm some kind of gross fag," I snapped angrily.

He rocked back in his seat like I had slapped him and my anger immediately evaporated. "You think I don't know that?" He asked quietly. "You think it was easy for me when my fiance left? When my family disowned me?"

"I'm sorry, Kieth. I didn't mean it like that..."

"Well maybe you should have thought of that," he said and left.

I stared at the table as he left, too afraid to look at the only person who knew my darkest secrets, the only person who might be able to help; the only man I had ever wanted.

Spring.

The thawing snow opened and lengthening days breathed new life into the world as classes became routine once again. I tried not to think too much about anything else. It became easier as duties in the theater began taking more of my free time with the first production of the semester fast approaching.

Even then, my thoughts always seemed to find their way back to Keith. Walking the catwalks high above the stage, I couldn't help but remember his forward compliments, the way he always seemed to be just too close, and other things which I now realized had been flirtations. I would sometimes pause and give in to the thoughts, allowing myself to relive our last night together and sometimes to invent new ones.

It didn't take much longer for me to cave under the pressure of my own longing. I knew I had hurt him this time, and I knew it wasn't helping either of us to prolong it any further. At the very least I could hardly afford the distraction of my guilt and anger at him, let alone my nearly uncontrollable desire to be with him again.

Opening night was less than a week away and I still had more time than work. Even still, I took a break from my work and tried to summon the nerve to call him. Failing that, I compromised and texted him a long apology and explanation. I paced anxiously backstage for a while, unable to focus on my work while waiting. Eventually my phone chimed, but my heart sank when I finally saw his reply.

"ok."

I waited a little longer, hoping for more, but I gave up and dejectedly went back to work. I resigned myself to thinking this was probably for the best. I tried to use my pain to fuel my motivation, but ultimately only the thought of sleep drove me on. It was already going to be a long night of work, now only made longer for the delay and my emotions slowing me down.

Somewhere just before midnight, I was in the process of meticulously checking the wiring for each light against the master diagrams again. I had only been over it fifty or sixty thousand times already, slowly running through the script and diagrams bringing up each light configuration one at a time. Even still, I found issues and made note of them all the while the tech director was still texting me with changes.

I groaned with annoyance when my phone chimed loudly again, knowing it would be yet another futile update from the micromanager of my personal little theatrical hell.

"Can you come over?"

My heart leapt into my throat and began pounding away. I had finally managed to put aside all thought of Kieth and now this message. "No," I responded immediately. "I'm stuck in the theater. I really wish I could." It hurt to send it, but it didn't change anything.

"ok," he replied again.

Rage boiled up within me. "Fuck," I shouted to the empty theater and balled my fists uselessly. I felt trapped inside the auditorium and so frustrated that I had mishandled this whole situation so ineptly. I finally managed to sit at the wiring panel and let my head bang down on the desk in front of it, too emotionally drained to do anything else.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew someone was shaking me awake. I panicked briefly and checked my watch. It was just before one in the morning, I still had time.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

It was only then that I looked at the person who had woken me up. "Kieth? What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," he smiled and it immediately made me feel warm. "Anyway, it looks like you could use a hand."

Before I realized what I was doing, I stood up and hugged him. "Thank you," I said somewhat apologetically and let him go. "Really. For everything."

He shrugged it off and we set to work. Everything went much faster with his help, particularly given that I had trained him for exactly this type of thing last semester. We settled into old routines, including him being a merciless flirt. Only this time I knew it and flirted back. I began to have a crazy idea.

It was after four in the morning when we finally finished, more than enough time before anyone would be coming into the theater at six. I told Kieth I needed to check the focus on one last set of lights before we left and asked him to stand center stage while I went to the production booth to turn them on. The set for this production was fairly minimal, consisting of only a few fake walls with sharp angled cut outs and the like. It was a drama that revolved around the characters and, to enhance that idea, the directors had decided to have very simplistic costumes and scenery while adding to the tension with music and lighting. This meant far more work for me ultimately, but it also meant I could now enact my plan. I was nearly giddy with excitement as I turned out the house lights and brought up a dim set of red and purple lights that cast forth slowly rotating patterns.

"Just stay right there," I shouted out to him from the booth at the rear of the audience. "I'll be right back."

He nodded and stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Meanwhile I quickly walked around to the rear entrance to the stage. I quietly stripped off all my clothes--fully erect by now--and left my clothes just off stage. I began to walk the short distance towards him then, making no efforts to hide my movements, but suddenly far more nervous than I expected.

He finally spotted me when I was maybe fifteen feet away. Before he could stop himself, I watched him look me over with a suddenly hungry expression and shivered briefly from the sudden spike of adrenaline. "What are you doing?" He asked, only half incredulous.

I said nothing, but instead continued my stead pace to center stage. He kept his eyes on my swinging cock as I quickly closed the distance to him. I took a deep breath in an attempt to steady my nerves, gently grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss.

We became like two dancers emulating fire. He immediately pulled me into him and my knees went weak. We twisted and waved in the winds of our passion. Feverishly pulling his clothes off and casting them heedlessly aside. Once his shirt was gone I began to kiss and bite his chest clawing at his hips as I worked my way down. At some point, though I never knew when, he had kicked off his shoes and together we tore at his pants.

"This is crazy," he panted as his belt buckle smacked the stage and rang out through the auditorium.

I grabbed his cock in my hands and pulled on him gently as he stepped out of his pants. I had managed to kiss my way to his belly button and now could just make out the precum beginning to ooze out of him. I knelt before him, all my nerves and excitement now boiled down to a basic need. I held his his and together we gently painted my lips with his precum. The only other time I had done this I had to work up my courage to push aside my nerves. Now, my lust drove me on, the only thing that mattered in this moment was my need for his cock.

Kieth ran his free hands through my short hair, and glanced wildly around the theater. "Fuck, this is so crazy," he said.

I grabbed his wrists tightly and pulled them away from my head. I looked up and we locked eyes just as I pressed him against my lips. His cock jumped then, pulsing up and away from me slightly and I felt a shiver run through him. So, I turned my head to the side and brought my mouth to his sack. The weight of his cock pressed warmly against my cheek and I suddenly became aware of my own cock pulsing gently--most likely oozing my own precum onto the stage. I ran my tongue gently back and forth across his sack, teasing each of his balls one at a time.

Kieth groaned at that, but it sounded like he was holding back, maybe afraid of being caught. So I found my way to the tip of his cock again, using my lips to walk my way along his shaft. I looked to him again as I licked his glistening head and paused to savor it. I could see the longing in him now, so I finally gave over fully to my lust and began slowly taking the head of his cock into my mouth. I let go of his wrists then, moving my hands to his as I did so.

He let his head fall back slightly and ran his hands through his hair as he did so, "Oh my god," he groaned louder now and pulsed his hips forward.

I continued to slowly take as much of him into me as I could until I felt his head hit the back of my throat. I looked down his shaft in surprise and found there was more left than I expected. I had never deep throated before, but I knew I had to try. I gagged, but tried to hold it as much as I could, but I couldn't get him any deeper.

"Relax," he said, placing both hands on the back of my head.

I tried again and once more gagged, but this time just as I began to take a deep breath Kieth thrust himself forward and pressed my head down. It hurt and my throat jerked reflexively, but somehow my nose was now buried in his pubes as cock pulsed in my throat.

"Oh fuck," he moaned.

I immediately felt like I was suffocating and pressed against his hips. He didn't relent immediately, however, and held me tight against him. I felt the blood rushing to my face as my throat convulsed around him. Then without warning he pulled my head off him. I coughed immediately, blowing spit out around the shaft of his cock, and tried to gasp for air through my nose.

Despite the pain and my ragged gasping for air, all I wanted was to please him, so before he could do anything else, I shot forward down his shaft, ramming his cock into my throat again. I was rewarded with a loud moan as once again I felt like I was suffocating and I could feel my throat trying futilely to cough him out of me. This time I expected it, however, and I was in control. I tried to bob my head up and down a few inches, making sure to keep him in my throat despite every part of my body telling me otherwise. I finally let up and, coughing and gasping for air, I prepared to keep going.

Kieth stopped me first, and knelt down in front of me on the stage, "you don't have to keep doing that," he said apologetically and kissed me. I felt some tension leave me and excitedly kissed him back darting my tongue into him. I pulled him to the stage and rolled him over so that he was on his back as I lay on top of him, never once allowing our lips to separate. His cock slid between us, still wet with my spit, and so I moved myself gently up and down his shaft. I supported myself on my knees and one hand as best I could, but used my free hand to hold the back of his head pulling him into me, not letting him break the kiss just yet.

When I did break the kiss, I silently reversed my position on top of him, lowering my cock to his face as I took him into my moth again. I groaned around his shaft as he began sucking my dick eagerly. I relaxed my weight onto him, easing a little further down his cock as I did so. I jumped a little when I suddenly felt one of his hands on my balls then groaned and unconsciously gyrated my hips towards him. Remembering myself, I grabbed his shaft in my right hand and cupped his balls in my left. We soon found a fast rhythm, matching each other stroke for stroke, moan for moan.

It couldn't have lasted long, but it seemed like we had joined together in timeless ecstasy. Inevitably, I could feel his cock growing more stiff and in my left hand I felt the first spasms that would very quickly reward me with his hot cum. Kieth moaned loudly around my dick as the first spasm of his cock filled my mouth with cum.

I swallowed and and felt my own orgasm begin. My cum burst into him at the same time as his second spasm filled my mouth again. Lost in orgasm together, I noisily moaned around him all the while leaking his cum out of my mouth. We both continued to twitch and jerk in unison for a time, filling each of our mouths with the warm seed of the other.

Eventually, I pulled his still hard cock out of my mouth and began greedily lapping up all the cum and spit that had drained onto his crotch, testicles, and my hand. For his part he made soft pleasant noises and ground his hips at me while continuing to suck my soft dick. When I was satisfied with my cleaning, keeping one hand on his cock, I rolled off of him. With a little effort I ended sitting next to his left hip dripping in sweat under the hot stage lights.

His body glistened with sweat under the rotating light and I took a moment to take him all on. Still stroking his rock hard I looked at him accusingly, "Do I need to keep going?"

Smirking, "Oh my god," he laughed. "No. You've nearly killed me. That was amazing!"

Feeling fairly proud and loving his compliments more than I wanted to admit, I grinned mischievously and sucked him into my mouth again.

"Fucking hell," he let out.

But his cock twitched in my hand, so instead of letting up, I began slowly sucking him off again. I carefully moved over him to kneel between his legs and set to the work of worshipping his cock. I developed a steady rhythm, taking him nearly all the way to the back of my throat before steadily sliding back up until just the head was in my mouth. While I did that I began to explore him with my hands, touching his chest, stomach, and legs in turn before gently grasping his shaft and balls in my hands again.

Kieth sprawled beneath the hot lights softly moaning, arms stretched out at either side, legs spread apart straddling my mantis like form. As my jaw began to ache I gradually increased my pace until I was moving up and down as much of his shaft as I could in a single fluid movement. It wasn't exactly fast, but I was hoping it would be just the right combination to get him to cum again.

"Oh shit," he announced suddenly. "I'm gonna cum again."

I tried not to grin too much as I brought my hands back to his shaft. This time his cock swelled more sedately before the first warm spurt sprayed my tongue. It was much less than before and I easily swallowed all of it. He let out a low continuous guttural moan as I maintained my pace on his cock. The entire time his cock slowly drained cum in a continuous stream marked only with steady pulses as his second orgasm rolled through him. It felt like his whole body was draining all his tension out through his cock and I happily swallowed every bit of it.

I tried to match my speed to the flow of his cum as it tapered off to nothing, leaving me to gingerly stroke and suck his rapidly deflating cock. When It seemed like I had finally gotten all I could I finally took my mouth off of him, but I was enjoying the strange sensation of his flaccid cock. It was, I realized, the first time I had actually held another man's cock when it wasn't hard. So, fascinated I kept licking, touching, and sucking him to the sounds of his panting.