Ieth & the Heart of Dar

His name was Kieth.

He was 6"2' at least, only a bit taller than me. He was long of limb and something about his body was not quite right; proportions were off somewhere, he was a little awkward, and uncoordinated. He had some tone, but I could tell he used to be heavier, still had a barely noticeable paunch about the belt-line. He had been clean shaven with dark hair, brown maybe dirty blonde I can't really remember anymore.

The face he wears in my memory is not true anymore, I know. I can only see flashes, his mouth mostly. I like to think he had amber eyes, though in truth I don't think so. Some details have gone. I can't recall the scent or taste of him, but remember the strangeness of it; the difference of another's body. Other details remain. I can still feel the hair on his thighs against my palms. Gripping him in both hands. exploring the shape of him with my tongue. Only vivid flashes, pieces of him remain. His hand clawing at the sheet beside my face, arms and body fading into darkness. The warmth of his naked body against mine. Adrenaline racing through me. The feel of him inside me; strange, exciting, new. Kieth's hands all over me, seeking purchase before the end. Sitting on his couch, running my fingers through his hair, watching, guiding.

The ghost of the man I knew stalks my memory...

Keith was kind.

It hurts me to know that someone who played an important role in my life is fading from me, into obscurity. Only the important things remain. I could tell you of our awkwardness, all of the cringe worthy memories I have tried to bury and forget. Those memories that remain are for us. I prefer to think of how he tried to hold me and tell me I was beautiful. I didn't believe him-I never grew accustomed to the compliments, it was my fault. Never too insistent, he waited for me with a smile. He talked me through some of the most confusing moments in my life, held my hand, comforted me. Ultimately, I rejected him. Did I break him? I like to think not, he had more heart than that; knew me too well to be more than momentarily sad. I'm sure he thinks of me fondly.

What remains of Kieth.

The story that follows is for him as much as it is for me. I am happy with the life I have made, the woman I love, the dreams I've followed. I only wish to preserve something of my past, the impression of who we were, what we wanted. Everything I have told so far is true. Kieth is a real man who exists as I have described him. Some of what follows is true, most of it is not. Believe what you will. Wherever he finds himself now, maybe he will find himself here. This is a future that could have been, was not; a wish. The men we were, idealized as what we wanted.

Kieth & the Heart of Dark.

I met Kieth in the theater. I was the master electrician for our small local community college. Basically, I hung lights from catwalks and bars suspended over the stage. The title was really rather more impressive if you didn't know what I was doing. Kieth was taking a class that required him to help back stage for a certain number of hours. I needed help, he was available, and so we struck up a conversation as we worked. It wasn't long before we were laughing and joking around.

"Nice ass," Kieth remarked once while we were in the catwalks.

We had been joking around off and on for an entire week. "Easy there, nancy. It'll take more than flattery to get into my pants."

"No really," he smiled. "I think you actually have a nice ass."

"Uh, okay. That's weird. Thanks, I guess?" I shrugged it off and didn't think anything more of it.

It wasn't long before he finished the hours he needed for his class. On his last day helping me hang lights, he invited me to come watch some movie at his place. He had mentioned he had a large TV and surround sound, both things my apartment lacked. As it turned out we both lived in the same apartment complex, though his building was on the opposite side from mine. Soon we were hanging out after classes, watching movies, and bullshitting like old friends would do.

I was at his apartment one day, and both being fans of the theater, he had suggested we watch Rent. We had both seen it before, it played quietly in the background. I wonder if he had suggested it by design or if mere happenstance led us forward. One way or another, the conversation inevitably led to sex, as it always seems to.

"God you have such a nice ass," he blurted again as I walked into the kitchen to get another drink.

I stopped, equal parts confused and embarrassed. "Are you gay?" I asked bluntly. Then quickly trying to back peddle, "I mean, I don't care if you are, but you sound really serious when you say that."

"No," he grinned mischievously.

Satisfied for the moment I sat down next to him and pondered his smile, his silence. "So, You're straight?"

"No."

"I don't understand," I was genuinely confused. "I thought you said you were engaged to a woman back in Texas. So, which is it?"

That grin again. "Neither."

"Okay," I drew the word out. "You have to be one or the other. What else is there?"

"You really don't know?"

"No," I said flatly. I really didn't, as odd as that sounds today. Other orientations, genders, and the like were never really discussed when I was a kid. It was either you were normal and straight or, if you were different in any way at all, weird and gay. Those were the binaries that ruled. I had probably learned, maybe in sex ed, that other orientations were possible. Somehow, it still never occurred to me to think otherwise.

Maybe I was sheltered and naive, or maybe I was still too ashamed of my own adolescent experimentation and fantasies. I felt that my 'gay' desires were a darkness that I had to silently harbor and suffer with. I couldn't admit there could be anything more than simply being straight.

"I'm bi," he raised his eyebrows expectantly.

I thought it over for a bit. I had never actually met anyone that was bisexual, as far as I knew. "So, you're bi. How does that work? I mean, I get that it means you like both, but.. I don't get it. If you suck dick... you're gay."

"Why not both? Seriously, its not that difficult to understand. I see a hot woman, I want to fuck her. I see a hot guy, I want to fuck him. That's it. Really not complicated at all."

The conversation continued throughout the movie and well into the next. All the while Kieth tried to dispel my naivete which I held onto fearfully, stubbornly. Over the next couple of weeks, sexuality soon took over all of our conversations. I was more curious than I could admit to myself, and somehow, Kieth always managed to make it easy to talk about.

He told me of himself. It turned out that, while he had initially hidden how he felt, his engagement ended when he 'came' out. He moved from Texas and in college he had began taking gender studies classes in addition to his ordinary course load.

In turn, I told him everything including the shame and guilt of what I had done; buried deep away inside myself. About how my first sexual contact was a boy whose name I never learned at a sleep-over birthday party for Anthony, the son of a family friend. We were fourteen, young and full of hormones. A game of late night 'truth or dare' that quickly deteriorated. About how, after that night, Anthony and I had continued for several years. I told him about the girls I had dated, and how I'd never been kissed. Despite that, both of my high school girlfriends had let me finger them, give them orgasms, but neither had ever reciprocated. I told him about my first blowjob in high school. We had traded blow jobs in shed behind his house after school one fall day. About the years of fantasies that just wouldn't go away.

"You might be bi," Kieth had said afterwards. "Although, you're so deep in the closet its almost painful."

"No," I laughed. "I'm definitely straight."

"Dude," he drew the word out. "You've never done more than finger a girl, you fantasize about fucking men, you've jerked off other guys, and sucked off at least the one. That's gay, if not at least bi."

"I was a kid," my face was beginning to flush. Despite every thing we had talked about, I was still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of my desires. "That was just... experimentation. I can't be gay."

"So gay." He shook his head and grinned.

Finals were approaching and I saw less and less of Kieth. Occasionally one of us would text the other, but more often than not class or work interfered. The week before finals was known as 'dead week'. There were no classes the week before finals, ostensibly to study. The library and all nearby coffee shops stayed open twenty four hours all through dead week and finals week. Some people studied, a lot of people partied all week. I always became like a cloistered monk at the end of the semester, holing myself in my room or the library to study. It was the middle of dead week when he texted.

Kieth: hey its been a while. wyd atm

Me: just studying for finals why?

Kieth: nm thought you might be able to help

Me: maybe whats up?

Kieth: its ok it can wait

Me: really... i'm not getting anything done anyway how can I help?

I waited for several minutes but no response seemed forthcoming. I tried calling him, but it just rang through to voice mail. Something was out of place so I made up my mind to walk over and see if he was home. I had just locked my front door when he finally responded.

Kieth: can I blow you?

My heart skipped several beats as I read his message several times over. What was this about? Was it some kind of joke? What if it wasn't? Excitement and fear raced through me in equal measure. Several minutes of agony passed as I imagined both the fulfillment of any number of fantasies and the fear of being found out, STD's, and countless other unknowable horrors.

Me: Yes?

Kieth: are you sure?

Me: i'm hard just thinking about it

Kieth: dont tease its not nice

Me: ... already omw

Kieth: omg.. u r amazing

I nearly ran across the property and was almost shaking with adrenaline as I scaled the steps up to his apartment. The door was unlocked and I let myself in without knocking. Soft instrumental music was playing from somewhere at the back of the apartment, and aside from a single lamp in the living room the apartment was dark. He stood in the middle of the living room waiting for me, dressed very simply in gym shorts and a dark t-shirt.

"Oh good, you're here." He beamed.

"Uh.. yeah," I took off my shoes and coat and stood in the doorway catching my breath. "So, yeah. Now what?"

He stepped closer and locked the door behind me. "Now this," he leaned in to kiss me.

I turned away from him and pushed him away. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I thought..." he stammered confused.

"You never said anything about... that." I was shocked, but my heart was still racing. I hadn't really thought any of this through and began to worry that maybe he wouldn't follow through. Maybe I had hurt him.

"About what? Kissing?"

"Yeah," it seemed obvious to me. "I thought you wanted to... you know, I mean I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I came here just to... you know..."

"So, you'll let me suck your dick, but making out before hand is too gay?"

I shrugged awkwardly. "Yeah. I mean, I've never even kissed a woman before. I don't want to remember this as my first kiss."

"Yeah," he said doubtfully. "That's really fuckin weird, but desperate times...beggars can't be choosers, I guess. Take off your pants."

My heart jumped in my throat again. This was really going to happen. I hadn't been touched by another person for over a year. Junior year of high school was the last time and even then it was a bad hand job from my high school ex and I hadn't even finished. My first and only blowjob had been a year or so before that even. Now, here I was once again about to have my dick sucked by another guy. It seemed unreal.

With an exasperated sigh he broke my stupor and grabbed me by the belt buckle. "Come on," he dragged me over to the couch. He pulled me in close to him and, before I realized it, he was kissing my neck.

I was too shocked to move, but it didn't seem to matter. His soft warm lips brushing against my neck and collarbone drove waves of pleasure down my spine. I was almost instantly hard. Without stopping, Kieth started pulling my shirt off. I moved to help him and jumped when our hands touched. I was nervous, excited, terrified, and he knew it. Somehow I managed to pull off my shirt for him. His hands wandered from my shoulders downwards across my chest, the sensation causing me to shiver with excitement.

When his hands finally groped my cock through my clothes, he nibbled at my ear and whispered, "take your pants off now," then stepped back to watch.

I fumbled with my belt for a moment before unceremoniously taking them off. I stood naked, and more than a little self conscious, while his eyes hungrily took me in. He smiled approvingly and quickly stripped. I watched uncertainly, paying particular attention to his cock as it jumped out eagerly when he dropped his shorts.

Staring at him, I felt overwhelmed. I stopped him short when he tried to move closer again, pressing my hands against his chest. He looked at me questioningly and we locked eyes. Everything seemed still in that moment. A thousand thoughts of doubt and lust raced through my mind. I came to a decision, and taking a deep breath, I carefully placed my hand on his neck, closed my eyes, and pulled him to me.

His lips touched mine gently, at first. It wasn't as momentous as I had always imagined my first kiss would be, but nevertheless it was wonderful. Something changed in us, in me. We were moving again. We pressed in close to each other and there was a brief moment of surprise when I felt his hard shaft stab against me. He reached between us, quickly and nearly without thought, and adjusted us both. I gasped as even this brief touch sent a jolt of pleasure though me. I was suddenly very aware of him, the warmth of his body pressed against mine, his scent, the sound of his breath. I had never been so intimate with someone before. I wrapped my arms around him and gave myself over to the kiss.

Unconsciously, we began grinding against each other and I felt both our cocks sliding between us as we did. It was a strange but wonderful sensation feeling the heat and firmness of his shaft pressing against me. My stomach quickly grew slick as our cocks dribbled precum between us. Kieth suddenly darted his tongue into my mouth, and I grunted in surprise. When I felt his hand on my cock, a few seconds later, I thrust against him harder and groaned into his mouth while he caressed me. I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him tightly to me. I hardly knew what I was doing, I was overcome with a desperation and need to be one with him.

Kieth broke the kiss, and I gasped in shock at the sudden loss of contact. We were both panting now, more with lust than effort. He pushed me back and I stumbled into the couch. Standing over me he brought his hand to his mouth and licked my glistening precum from his fingers. My eyes went wide and my cock twitched, it was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. Then he bent over and began kissing my chest, taking time to lick and nibble my nipples before moving lower. I arched my back to thrust my chest out to him, each time his tongue or teeth touched me, I felt like I was being shocked back to life. I had never known my nipples could make me feel so good. He knelt on the floor between my legs as he worked lower, licking all of our precum from my stomach.

He paused just above my cock, hands now grabbing my hips. Kieth gazed into me with those golden amber eyes. "I love the taste of your precum," he said and gently pumped my cock a couple of times.

I nodded dumbly. We both watched then as my cock shuddered and issued more of the sticky clear liquid. He smiled and extending his tongue gingerly licked it all up. I groaned desperately and thrust up at him.

"Not yet," he chided. "I need more." He moved out of the way of my thrusts, still pumping my cock from time to time, and began licking at my sack.

"Oh my god, please Kieth," I whimpered. "I'm so close already."

He stopped and let go of me, sitting back on his heels a little he looked almost sad. "You can't come yet, Its too soon," he said but seemed to cheer up. "I won't let you cum until I'm ready, I can wait."

"Okay," I managed to let out desperately. I fought the urge to just grab my cock and finish it now. I knew it would be better to wait, but still I reflexively rotated my hips up and down. My cock bounced and pulsed a couple of times as we waited, forcing out yet more of my clear nectar. Keith waited patiently, watching me suffer, and somehow knowing this woke something erotic and devious within me. I belonged to him, tonight, and whether I liked it or not, I found a new desire; became something more than I had been. Now that all other stimulus had ceased, it didn't take long for the excitement to bleed off and for a sense of calm to return to me.

Without warning, Keith leaned in and gently started pumping my cock again. "That's better," he smiled and licked the tip of my penis clean again.

This went on for a while. Keith carefully milked precum from me, bringing me ever closer and stopping just before orgasm. For my part, I continued making uncontrollable thrusts and groans all the while begging him to finish me. I found out later that he was intentionally 'edging' me, but at the time I would have called it blissful torture. I had never been with a man like this before. Every other time had been a fast, unskilled affair performed in haste. A desperate act driven by the desire to finish as quickly as possible. Keith had already far surpassed any previous sex I had ever experienced, and it hadn't even truly started.

Anytime I regained my senses enough to have such thoughts, Keith was quick to begin his assault on my body again. Sometimes he stroked me, sometimes he sucked and played with my balls, one time he merely rubbed his hands across my body. Each time, however, it took successively less time and effort to bring me to the edge, followed by increasingly longer waiting periods before he would begin again. He got up and stretched a couple of times, lazily stroking himself in front of me, before returning to his torturous task.

It was after, perhaps an hour, during one such moment that he teasingly asked, "Why did I ask you to come over here again?"

"You said you wanted to suck my cock," I whimpered between pants.

He knelt down between my legs again, grabbing my hips for support. Then with a smile he said, "Oh yeah, that's right," and swallowed me whole.

"Jesus fucking christ," I gasped. My whole body convulsed, my back arched, and I thought I heard something rip as I dug my fingers into his couch.

Kieth moaned with satisfaction, his nose buried in my pubes. I stared down at him in shock and watched him glide slowly up and marveled at the new sensation of his tongue flitting across the base of my shaft. He paused to swirl his tongue several times around my head causing my entire body to jerk and twitch.

He paused then, resting my cock on his tongue, and we both took a minute to breath. I throbbed once and watched in fascination as a large spurt of precum leaked onto his tongue. He closed his lips around me and moaned in pleasure. We stared into each others eyes for a few moments more. Finally, with an impish wink he gradually slid down my cock until I was completely buried in him.

I nearly came. "Oh god, Kieth," I blurted and grabbed his wrists.

He pulled up glacially slow, still dancing his tongue across the skin of my shaft as he did so. Kieth never increased his speed and never broke eye contact. Instead, he steadily drew me in and out of his mouth, making sure to lick every centimeter as carefully as he could. In short, he worshiped my cock. At some point, the soft music had stopped and the room was now silent except for the wet sounds of his mouth and the frequent guttural moan he elicited from me. I was certain at every moment that I was going to cum. I watched his unhurried progress up and down my shaft. It was as though he had somehow managed to put my orgasm on hold as he genuflected upon my cock. All the while leaving me to dangle on the knifes edge of orgasm between bliss and despair for all eternity . I knew I couldn't last-didn't want to last- and through it all I knew I didn't want it to end.