Iny Ris

Kris stared at the message on his phone. 'Hook up?' Was all it said. Less than two hours after creating a profile on the gay networking app and someone was offering sex? Sex? Not just sex but sex with another man. At thirty-nine after fifteen years of marriage and two children, Kinky Kris was exploring his sexuality. This road had not been easy.

He had met Jessica during his first year of college. They had become friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. They had been dating for six months before they had sex. Jessie was from a good Christian home and did not want Kris to think her too easy. But nothing about sex was easy for Kris. Despite his All-American good looks, he was virtually as inexperienced as Jessie had been. He had only ever had sex a couple of times with his high school sweetheart.

Kris had been eighteen before he lost his virginity, scored with the girlfriend he had been dating for three years. They had both been accepted to college...different colleges. In all likelihood, the sex had been a desperate plea to hold onto something that simply was not meant to be. The first time was at the local water fall when they went there for a picnic with a few friends. They had snuck away for a bit and one thing led to another. Kris had been so caught off guard that he had not even had a condom. But she had.

He smiled at the memory of his shock. But that fact should have told him something, she had planned this 'spontaneous' event. He had been even more surprised to discover that he was the only virgin in the relationship. After three years of protests about waiting, not doing it just because other people were, and his respect, his girlfriend had not even been a virgin. He later found out that she was anything but. She had said at the time that she had wanted to be sure because her first experience had not been that good. Neither was her second.

The sex was rushed because they were afraid of getting caught. Plus the truth was that Kris was a big boy...in more ways than one. Just getting it in fully had proven an insurmountable challenge. They had been forced to stop after ten minutes of fumbling because without sufficient lubrication the lone condom that she had brought had broken.

They tried again a couple of weeks later when her parents were out for the evening. She had called and Kris had come over after she got her little sister to bed. It was a bit better in her bed. They had laughed when both of them pulled packets of three condoms out. They had not gone through all six that night but they had lost a couple more to breakage. In the end, Kris was left wondering 'what's the big deal.' Honestly, he could get himself off better and quicker than sex with her had been.

So when he did go to college he had been more focused upon his studies and football than he had been upon screwing everything he could like some of his friends. Even once he met Jessie they had taken it slowly. She was a couple of years older than Kris, a junior in philosophy and psychology. They had met because her best friend was dating his roommate. They ended up just sort of hanging out all the time. He had not even liked the bossy, know-it-all at first. But by the time that her friend broke up with his roommate, they were dating.

Like his first couple of experiences, Jessie had been nothing special. The difference was that as the 'older' woman she had not been afraid to take charge. She had immediately set about correcting all of Kris's mistakes. First of all, didn't he know that with a cock like that he would always need extra lube? No, no he did not. But he did after that.

Basically, Jessie had trained him as a lover. Everything he knew about pleasing a woman he had learned from her. Well at least those first few years. As they continued to see one another and Kris's confidence grew, he began to enjoy sex more. If their sex life was not exotic, it was most definitely frequent. From that first time, they formed a pattern of almost daily intercourse. Of course, with Jessie it was always the same old same old. She was not adventurous. It was a quality that gave her a stability he craved.

Perhaps like his high school sweetheart they would have drifted apart once she finished school. Except during her final term, a condom broke...one too many times. They did what was expected of them, getting married within days of Jessie finishing college. They had lived in married student housing for the next two years as Kris struggled to finish his degree in business while holding down a fulltime job at night to pay their bills.

Jessie had stayed home with the baby. And like most new mothers, she complained non-stop about being tired. Their almost daily sex life had dwindled to once or twice a month. That was when Kris discovered Internet porn. He had learned things that Jessie never taught him. Things he wanted to try. But with his Christian upbringing he took his marriage vows seriously. He was no cheater.

Eventually as the baby slept through the night, Jessie's libido returned. She was delighted at the new tricks he had learned, but a bit suspicious of where he had learned them. Rather than allow his wife to think he had committed adultery, he came clean about his Internet porn addiction. Jessie was both relieved and shocked. Of course, their new found sexual adventures were cut short by a second pregnancy. And Kris returned to the computer for his sexual satisfaction.

After that his marriage had puttered along through a handful of miscarriages, a mortgage and two boisterous children. They were the typical all-American family. Especially when Jessie went to night school to get her masters in Social Work. With both kids now in school, she began her own career. To the outside the world, to their friends and family, they were perfect.

But Kris knew otherwise. Kris had a secret. In his many late nights trolling the Internet for hotter and hotter porn, he had stumbled upon gay porn. At first his Christian upbringing had forced him to shun what he saw on the screen. The whole man lying with man thing from the Bible added a layer of guilt to his already substantial pile. But that guilt was not enough to keep him away.

While Jessie was more than aware for his predilection, she was not aware of the dark turn that it had taken over the past couple of years. Nor was she aware that increasingly it was Kris's fantasies of other men that he used to satisfy his sexual appetite. Kris began to see the world differently. He began to look at friends and co-workers differently. As sexual beings. He began to admire this one's ass, that one's tight abs. His frequent trips to the gyms became almost as much about clandestine admiration of the nude bodies of other men as it was about working upon his own physique.

The past year had been a roller coaster ride of guilt, shame and self-recrimination. Kris had increasingly pondered whether he himself was gay. It was something he had never really considered before. Unlike what he read of other's experiences, he had certainly never 'known' from an early age, never even fantasized about other boys/men. Not until he had opened that Pandora's Box on the Internet.

Could it be that his upbringing had forced him to subvert his natural tendencies? To bottle it all up. As Freud would say, was he in denial for a lifetime? If so, where did that leave him? He certainly could not bring himself to break his wedding vows...not with another woman...or a man. He was no cheater. It was an internal war that raged for months, tearing him inside.

Six weeks ago, it had torn his 'perfect' family apart too. After months of indecision, he had finally made his choice. He could not live the rest of his life as a lie, not knowing the truth about who or what he was. He would not abandon his internal moral compass either so exploring behind his wife's back was out. He did the only thing he felt he could. He asked for a divorce.

Jessie had cried, pleaded and accused him of seeing other women (if only she knew). But he had stalwartly held the line, he was not happy. The marriage was not fulfilling him. He wanted a divorce. He knew that it was hard on Jessie. She could not understand...and he could not explain. Could expose this dark secret to the woman that had shared his life and bed for almost twenty years.

It was tough on the children too. Even though they were older they could not understand. Unlike their friends' parents who got divorced, theirs did not argue and fight. There was no domestic violence. No, their seemingly stable life was just yanked out from under them.

Kris felt guilty, intensely guilty. Jessie had been a wonderful wife and perfect mother to their children. She had also been a good friend. The children had never been the rebellious kind, never gotten into any real trouble. And he was destroying it all. To explore his sexuality. So where did that leave this message?

He had spent the past month re-organizing his life. His guilt had motivated him to tell Jessie that she and the children should remain in the family home. He was paying all the builds same as before. He had found a dingy one-bedroom apartment and furnished it quickly with flat pack furniture. It was functional, pristine and sterile. Just as his life had become. He worked, he saw his children on the weekends and he went to the gym to lust after other men.

Until today. It was the weekend. Not his weekend to have the children, and since he had finally finished outfitting his small colorless living space there was nothing really for him to do. Except watch more Internet porn. Gay porn. Then a pop-up ad had boasted that he could hook up with other gay men...was he a gay man...in few minutes. All he had to do was download the app to his phone.

He had. He had created a profile. As anonymous as possible of course, but then too so where most of the others. He had shaved a couple of years off his age. No one would want a thirty-nine year old basically gay virgin, he rationalized. Besides he did not look his age...or feel it. He felt like that teenager again, exploring his sexuality. He kept his narrative short. He was not looking to tell the world his history, his struggles, his story. So in the end, it read only, 'New to lifestyle. Looking to explore.'

Of course, as he had suspected from his years of watching Internet porn, the cock pic that he had posted to his profile drew immediate attention. He had been swamped almost immediately with a dozen messages in his inbox. Most read, 'No way! That is fake.' It was odd that his cock size which had been such an impediment with his only two female lovers should attract such positive male attention.

So for the past couple of hours Kris had sat on the balcony of his new apartment messaging strange men and sipping wine. A half dozen conversations. Some mundane. Some racy. But just the freedom to do so without hiding his phone every time that Jessie came into the room, just the almost guilt free capacity to engage in flirtations without feeling like he was cheating, was liberating.

Then things got real. This kid...and at barely twenty that was how Kris saw him. He was only a few years older than his own children. A college student had messaged him. There had been no slow build up. No conversation what-so-ever. His first and only message had been two simple words...'Hook up?'

That question mark took on huge significance for Kris. That question mark represented his life. Everything that he had tossed aside...fifteen years of marriage, seeing his children every day, being an active part of their daily lives, a nice house in the suburbs. He had given all that up to explore his sexuality. For this opportunity. But when it came, it stared at him accusingly. As accusingly as Jessie had when she had screamed and shouted at him for being a selfish bastard and destroying all their lives.

That question mark challenged him. That question mark said...do you have the courage? Do you really want to go down this path? Are you ready for this? Kris studied the horizon as the sun set. He drained the wine glass. It all came down to this. Was this what he really wanted? Was he gay?

He shook his head as he typed the response. It had been almost fifteen minutes since the kid sent the message. He had probably moved on. Probably thought that Kris was ignoring him. So Kris did not expect any response when he typed...'yes.' But his phone pinged almost immediately. The rest was easy. They arranged to meet in a park not too far from his apartment, although far enough to make Kris comfortable.

Half an hour? What was the rush, Kris thought. He looked down at his baggy sweat pants and t-shirt. It certainly was not the appropriate attire for a first date. But then again this was not a date at all. It was exactly what the message said...a hook up. Sex. Gay sex. For the first time in his life.

He thought about grabbing another shower, but he had taken one just a few hours before after his work out at the gym. He was not really dirty. A quick sniff of the underarms of his t-shirt confirmed that. "Fuck it," he cursed as he went into his apartment and grabbed the car keys from the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. He palmed them as he headed towards the door and out to his car.

His mind was a jumble of feelings as he drove the five miles to the park. Guilt once more raised its nasty head...this was what he had thrown away his marriage and family for? A hook up? In a city park? Then concern. He did not know anything about this young man. How did he know he was not being set up to be robbed and hurt? But that danger added an even darker element to the desire and lust that coursed through him as perhaps it never had.

Not even his first fumbling experience by the falls with his high school sweetheart had felt this exciting. He had never felt as alive. As free. His cock was already hard. It was a good thing he had not changed out of the loose sweat pants. He needed the extra room for his throbbing erection. Had it ever been this big? Had he ever been this excited? He doubted it.

At every red light, he rubbed his erection through the fleece material. The last of couple of them he had even pushed the waistband down to reveal the thick head as he stroked and waited for the light to change. His cock was throbbing. Pre-come oozed from its piss hole. He used it to lubricate the shaft as he stroked. After a lifetime of masturbation as his primary sexual outlet, Kris knew exactly how far he could push this game. How far he could go without coming. And he most definitely did not want to come yet.

Kris looked at the digital clock on his dash board as he pulled into the parking lot. He was ten minutes early. He cursed his over zealousness. He did not want to appear some giddy, over-eager virgin. Not to a kid almost half his age. That idea was shocking. From the casual aplomb of the message, it sounded as if this was a normal occurrence for the man. As if this kid might actually be far more experienced than he was.

He sighed and for a moment panic rose inside of him. This was it. If he did this, there was no going back. He was here to have sex...with a man. With another man. He played that idea over in his mind, over and over and over as he had for most of the past two years. Did he really want this? Was he gay?

He sighed as he pulled the keys from the ignition and stuffed them inside the pocket of his pants. There was only one way to find out for sure. He opened the door and the cool sea breeze hit his face. It was a refreshing breath of air. It carried the pungent aroma of fish, algae and sting of salt.

He looked around the practically deserted park. A few joggers ran along the trail that followed the steep rocky cliffs overlooking the ocean. They seemed in a hurry as if they had tarried too long, gotten caught out beyond some imaginary curfew. He tried to relax, appear like he was just out for a casual stroll as he walked along that pathway towards the restrooms where he had arranged to meet the young man.

He noticed a couple of other lone men strolling just as casually while surveying the scene around them. Were they here for the same reason? Was this some gay meeting place?

He smelt the place before he saw it. Men's restrooms were notorious for their filth, especially public ones. This one was no different. Even in the dingy light of the lone bulb that hung alongside the single word 'Men,' the place looked disgusting. Kris figured it would have looked worse in the light of day. And this was the place where it would all begin? Where he would seek the answers for questions of identity that had plagued him for two years? That had cost him his family. Was he ready for this? That question mark reared its ugly head as he stared at reality.