Iny Ris

Kris rolled sleepily over in bed. His cock pressed tightly against the firm bottom of his latest lover. He half smiled as he remembered the sex they had had the previous evening...and middle of the night. He considered initiating another round this morning but a quick look at the time on his phone told him that he did not have the luxury of even a quickie...not if he wanted to be at work on time..

And despite the change that his life had taken two years ago, he remained Mister Stability. At work he was the faithful steady and high performing senior manager that he had always been. Despite the high price of his divorce, his credit rating remained high; he never was late or missed a bill. And as ex-husbands and weekend dads went, he was top rated too.

He and Jessie were even beginning to rebuild the friendship that had been the backbone of their fifteen year marriage. Of course, she still could not let go of the 'why' of their divorce. And he still could not explain his sexuality to his nice Christian ex-wife. Or his sons. His eldest was a senior in high school this year. He had decided to follow in his father footsteps...going to the same college and majoring in business too. His younger son was not as driven, more flighty, but then again he always had been.

Yes, overall, Kris was as contented with his new life as he once had been with his old. A couple of months ago he had even begun his first gay relationship. Real relationship. Not just the casual hook-ups in men's restrooms in the park that had been the auspicious beginnings of this new life.

He smiled as he turned on the cold water in the shower. Oh yes, his first time. He chuckled as he tested the temperature and stepped beneath the spray. Losing his gay virginity had been as messy as that first time with his high school sweetheart at the water falls. A dirty, smelly men's toilet by the beach. A place that he would not use to piss had been the setting for his first male-on-male experience.

He did have to give the kid, a twenty year old college student, his due though. He knew how to suck cock in a way that no woman ever had. So despite the setting, Kris had been hooked. While he had never again met with that guy, it had set the tone of his life as a 'gay man.'

Although to be honest, he still had trouble reconciling that title with who he was. Perhaps it was his Christian upbringing, his fifteen year marriage, his career...he still was not sure. But for whatever reason, he did his damnedest to avoid the word...gay. He was simply a man who enjoyed having sex with other men...simple as.

But after that auspicious beginning, Kris had continued to have secret liaisons with other men that he met through that gay matching app. Sometimes he would get busy with work or his children and go weeks without meeting anyone. And sometimes he would 'hook up' almost daily. A couple of times he had even doubled up...meeting two different men in the same day.

The beautiful thing about it was the easy access to sex. It was not the complicated battle of the sexes that had marked his two heterosexual relationships. It was not the...I have a headache, I don't feel like it, is that all you want...that had been his marriage. It was sex. Animalistic almost between two consenting adults. No expectations other than pleasure. No commitment. No strings attached in a way that Kris believed never could exist between a man and a woman.

And for a long while that had been enough. More than enough. Exactly what he was looking for. All he was able to give. But after a while he had begun to long for more. For companionship. For someone that was more than just an open mouth or a cute butt raised over a bathroom sink.

Thing that was frustrating to Kris was that monogamy and relationship was not common in the gay community. Oh they happened. And could be every bit as stable or more so than his marriage had been. They were relationships just like all others...with give and take and compromises.

The thing was that with heterosexual relationships evolution, biology and society dictated that the ultimate outcome was procreation and that stability was the best means of achieving that. Without that driving factor, many 'gay' men shunned the strictures of commitment and monogamy. Perhaps they felt that after a lifetime of the internal battles to accept themselves and the external wars with family and society to be accepted for who they were, they simply did not want to trade that hard-won freedom for a caricature of a heterosexual ideal.

But Kris craved stability and connection. Hell, the thing he missed most about his ex-wife and marriage was cuddling in bed as they fell asleep. He supposed it was another reason that he disdained the 'gay' label.

He pondered his next step as he reached for a towel. Of course, being in the closet, or on the down low as it was sometimes called, limited his options too. What did he have to offer a lover? It was not like he would be comfortable introducing him to his sons. "Boys, I'd like you to meet Daddy's new boyfriend," was not words he could ever imagine coming from his lips. And that would be easy compared to introducing someone to his ex-wife or heaven forbid his parents and brothers.

He sighed as he finished drying off and put the towel neatly on the rack. He studied his reflection in the mirror as he applied the shaving foam. There were more and more white hairs peppered among the ebony ones, especially at his temples. And the tiny laugh lines around his eyes and mouth were not funny.

Forty-one. He was forty-one. And alone. Oh sure, he had his boys. He even saw his parents and brothers on a somewhat regular basis. He had a cadre of friends from work too. Guys and a couple of women with whom he regularly shared a beer and laugh. He supposed in this fast paced modern world he had as much connection as anyone. Practically speaking...had he really had anything more during those final years of his marriage? In fact, weren't he and Jessie doing better now as friends than they had as husband and wife?

So why did he still feel so fucking empty and alone?

The door opened and his lover plodded into the bathroom. He could tell that Jason was still half asleep. As an actor, he had a great deal more freedom with his work than the nine to five that was the hallmark of Kris's Mister Stability world. Was that free-spirit what attracted him to the man? Or perhaps it was the pretty boy blonde looks and hot body that was the man's bread and butter? Or maybe it was the fact that both of them required the same level of discretion?

"What are you up to today?" he asked casually as he began to apply the long steady strokes with the razor.

The sound of a steady stream of piss hitting the water in the toilet bowl was his only answer for a long moment. He winced when he heard the distinctive change in timbre that he knew meant his lover had in his sleepy state missed the bowl and instead pissed on the floor...again. He shook his head and bit his tongue, calculating when the maid would next be in. For now a quick wipe with the towelletes about whose purpose his lover seemed to have no idea would simply have to do.

The toilet flushed as he finished the last long swipe with his razor. He tried to actually remember a time in all of his fifteen year marriage when his wife had peed in front of him. He was somewhat shocked to discover he could not think of a single time. He shook his head and smiled, maybe there was something to be said for that kind of mystery in a relationship.

"I dunno. My agent said she might have an audition for me for some new television show. A rom com no less." The man replied groggily as he leaned against Kris's back, rubbing seductively.

Kris turned and reached for a towel, escaping the man's obvious attentions. This was only the second time that he had allowed his lover to spend the night. He was still trying to figure out if the hassle of piss on his bathroom floor and dirty socks that were not his own ending up under the bed for the maid to find was worth it.

"Okay, well, the front door locks behind you," Kris was torn. He was still more than a bit uncomfortable leaving a basically unemployed actor alone in his apartment. But they had been up late last night and it was probably unfair of him to kick the man out this early in the morning. He supposed he should have thought of that last night before telling the man he could stay.

"What time will you be back?" asked his lover as he followed him back into the bedroom, plopping down on his king size flat pack bed like he owned the place. In the two years since the separation Kris's apartment was still the same indescript, sterile, lifeless place it had been tat first month.

Kris grabbed his clothes and began to dress for work without further conversation with his lover. On one hand the silence was nice after years of nagging each morning from Jessie...can you do this, can you pick up that, don't forget. It had gone on and on. But at least her nagging had filled his life with something besides silence.

As he finished tying his tie and reached for his jacket, the silence was broken...by a snore from his lover. Kris shook his head and crossed the room to stand over the man. He truly was beautiful...male perfection. And the sex...well, it was damned good too. It would have to be for Kris to allow the man to spend the night.

He sighed with some unknown and indescribable longing as he pulled the sheet up over his lover. He supposed if it had been a woman, he might have given a parting kiss, but that was a line that he had not crossed...at all in the two years as a 'gay' man. He thought about Julia Roberts in that movie as a prostitute...some things you just did not do.

***

It had been a bitchin' day at work. To make matters worse the LA traffic was worse that usual. And that was saying something. He looked at the clock on the dashboard of his new BMW. Eight-fifteen and he was at least another half an hour from the apartment. Especially as traffic was at a dead standstill. He checked the messages on his phone.

'bring home coffee...we r out.'

"Lazy fucking asshole," Kris cursed as he slammed his hand against the steering wheel. It had been almost a month since that first morning and Jason had practically moved into his apartment. He could only think of a couple of night that the man had not slept there.

To make matters worse, he had not invited the guy. They had never discussed this turn in their relationship. The man had simply still been in his apartment that night when he had come home from work. He had to admit that night it had been sort of nice. The guy had ordered Chinese in and even gone to the effort of setting the dining table that Kris only used when his son's visited. It had been refreshing to eat dinner, drink wine and share conversation with another human being after a long day at work. So Kris had not objected when he discovered an extra tooth brush by the sink in the bathroom.

But over the weeks, it had been more than a tooth brush that had migrated to Kris's apartment. Clothes, other toiletries and even manuscripts that were just tossed around his apartment, discarded wherever the man could leave them. It was frustrating and Kris was approaching his limit.

This weekend his sons would be over. And it was time he and Jason had a little chat about this new 'roommate' situation. The man could not be there when he had his boys. He should know that. His predilections were as much as secret from his agent and the Hollywood establishment as Kris's were. And he had to get his stuff out too. He would talk to the man about it tonight. As soon as he got home. This just could not continue.

Kris had fumed and cogitated over the situation all the way home. His frustration mixed and mingled with road rage until he was tense and edgy. He pulled into his allotted space at the complex. He noticed there was a taxi waiting in front of his building. Its trunk was stuffed with a couple of boxes. But he was too focused upon rehearsing what he would say to Jason to pay much notice.

He frowned as he noticed that door to his apartment was ajar. "Jason," he called out in that irritated tone of voice that he always used with his boys when he was disappointed with them. And he was definitely disappointed now...but whether it was with Jason or himself he was too tired, frustrated and busy to think about at the moment.

The smiling man appeared out of the kitchen and once more Kris was struck by just how handsome his lover was. For a moment he got lost in the masculine beauty and more than a touch of lust.

"Hey, dude, I was just about to send you a text. I did not think that you would make it home before I left," the man said as he reached for his back pack on the end of the couch.

Kris gazed at him puzzled, "Leave? Where are you going?" he asked, almost forgetting that he wanted the man gone.

"My agent called. I got the lead. You remember that stupid rom com I auditioned for. Anyway I figure since the whole thing is the romantic guy-girl shit, I can't afford to be outed, right now. I know you understand, man. I mean it ain't like I wasn't your dirty little secret from your sons and family anyway. I suppose we both should have known this thing was not going anywhere," the man rambled on as he held out his hand.

Kris stared at the extended appendage. After weeks as his lover, daily cleaning up the man's piss from the bathroom floor, picking up his socks, and providing free room and board, it ended with a handshake. A cold and impersonal handshake?

But Kris took the other man's hand anyway. He was a bit relieved when the man pulled him into a sideways hug at least. That was better, wasn't it? "Take care, man," he said as he simply disappeared out the front door closing it behind him.

Kris spent the next half an hour walking numbly around his apartment. He looked for some sign, any sign, that just hours ago his lover had shared the apartment with him. Hell, he even bent down and looked under the bed looking for missing socks. But there were none. It seemed that as his final parting gift the man had even discovered the use for the wipes kept on the back of the toilet. He had cleaned up his piss off the floor even.

In the end, Kris had used his phone to order Chinese food from the same place that Jason had that first night. He had opened a bottle of white wine and was on his third glass by the time the food arrived. He sat on the balcony where it had all begun was it almost two years ago staring out at the night sky. Even though it was dark, you could not see a single star in the sky. Even the full moon was a hazy blur with the smog that plagued this city.

Kris raised the bottle of wine and drained it. It was the second. He had abandoned all pretense of polite society after the first. Maybe the wine more than the smog accounted for the hazy moon?

But what accounted for his hazy life? What accounted for the fact that even after two years...and he did not want to even think about how many lovers, correction sex partners, why could he not even admit he was gay? Why did he carefully avoid that word?

Perhaps even more saliently how could he possibly reconcile this craving for the human connection of a relationship, waking up with every morning next to someone and falling asleep with that same person by your side every night, sharing conversations over dinner and all that went with that with being in the closet? How could he ever have the one if he was not willing to come out of the other?

He shook his head and threw the bottle off the balcony. At that moment he did not give a fuck if it was litter on the lawn or even if it hit someone on the head. The idea even appealed to him on some fucked up level...another person hurting if only a fraction of the pain and turmoil inside of him.

He tried to stand up and go back inside for another bottle but he could not get his balance and fell back into the chaise lounge. "Fuck," he screamed into the chilly night air. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He raged at the universe. He wallowed in self-pity and loathing. He hated himself for having these urges. He hated himself more for being the weak pitiful man that could not admit it to himself, let alone others.

And in the end, he picked up his phone from the table next to him and began trolling that app for his next hook up until he fell asleep where he sat in the brisk night air without even a blanket to cover him and protect him from the cold. But then that was nothing compared to the coldness that ate at his soul.