Nife's Edge

---- ---- ---- 1.

There's a point of exhaustion where it's like I can't even sleep. I mean; I always struggle to switch my brain off- you know, all those good things like meditation and mindfulness and breathing... they don't come naturally. But sometimes I'll get so tired it's like I'm rewired and sparking. I'll close my eyes and start seeing a movie about my day. I'll get caught in unreal dialogue that goes on and on and never resolves.

I drifted past the night shelter in Mt Cook; but there was a degree of despair there that I couldn't bring myself to be a part of. I was just off my feet for a night, not deeply entrenched in the dark uncomfortable criseses these people were.

I almost walked home to Mum and Dads. But they would be asleep. I had a spare key somewhere but I didn't want to give them as bad a night as I was having by making noises downstairs in the middle of the night.

I ended up letting myself into the gym. Thank god for 24 hour gyms. It was empty- obviously. I had a shower for about an hour, just sitting on the ground, letting the water run over me in a dark stall. I turned the light off in the hopes I might get properly sleepy, not just... achy and weary and crying.

Eventually I had to get dry, and I curled up on a bench, warm and exhausted. I didn't really sleep: not properly where you fall into deep comfortable dreams. But I guess time passed. It passed to the point where other people were starting to come in. So I had to get up and pretend I was here for normal reasons.

I warmed up, sort of, before finding a spare bench and grabbing a bar. I wasn't going to break any records today. Lifting did give me a goal to focus on, which was good, because feeling lost and sorry for myself wasn't getting me anywhere.

I averted my eyes as I saw Joel strut out of the changing room. I'd seen him here before. He always wore tiny shorts that made his thighs look like tree trunks, and a stupid thick sweatband on his head. He always had a protein shake on him, and was one of those obnoxious guys with a notepad to track his progress. Not that I should judge that. I mean. It was working. I could judge all I wanted but he was still objectively way hotter than me, and way stronger- which I guess was more to the point.

I didn't want to talk- but it's hard not to see people here. He nodded at me as he strutted into the free weights area, eyeing up the squat rack. He grabbed some dumbbells and I swallowed as he held them like they were nothing. Ooof. He was really fucking ripped. I heard myself sigh as he approached me, sitting on the end of the bench I was standing next to.

"Moooooorena." He yawned. "Early for you?"

"Super early." I agreed. Joel looked at me and frowned a little. His brow furrowed. Mmmm. I looked like dog shit so I could see what he was worried about.

"Rough night?" He asked.

"Sort of." As if my puffy blotchy face wasn't enough evidence I'd spent all night crying. Joel paused in his set, his bicep curled and a vein in his arm throbbing.

"You ok?" He asked quietly. "Was it ... anything to do with that guy you're seeing?"

"No! I mean, sort of. We had a... like a little fight..." Joel was still holding that weight and I could almost feel the pain on his behalf.

"Was it...." He winced. "Because..." Oh. I'd forgotten. I'd totally forgotten that even happened because I'd been too busy wanting to drown myself for being an idiot who did exactly the opposite of what a decent human did and flirted with a stranger. I grinned, finding a sort of over tired hilarity in his concern.

"You gave me a lift home? No. Didn't mention that." I gently touched the dumbbell in his hand. "You going for a record there?" He blinked and set the weight down slowly, stretching out his hand as he released it. "Racks free." I gestured.

"Thanks." He clapped me on the shoulder as he stood up. He shook out his arm as he started loading up the bar and I watched him absentmindedly. Huh. Maybe I really should train with him.

Except I definitely shouldn't. I quickly looked away. If... if he had really tried to... last night... would I have? But... why me?! He hated me! He knew I had a boyfriend! Ugh. Had. My face fell. I was out of tears but I was getting a grinding tension in my chest. I knew AJ though. This wasn't forever. He hadn't blocked my number which meant he was just freezing me out for a day or so. I texted him a proper run down of exactly what had happened: just so he knew that while it was shitty, and so close to cheating it was basically the same thing... well.... It wasn't the same thing. I was just seeking validation. Which was its own dumb can of worms I did want to open but at least he knew. I emailed him as well, knowing he was likely to delete any long winded texts from me at this stage. I'm sure he knew. Deep down he knew. I was way too much of a pussy to cheat, even if I wanted to, which I didn't.

This was just a punishment. I could ride it out.

I finished my set and went to shower, faced with whether or not I could get away with yesterday's clothes. Eh. Maybe not. Not after a gym session, albeit a really half arsed one. I put them back on in the meantime and headed out to buy myself something, waving to Joel as I headed for the door. Someone tapped on my shoulder and I glanced over my shoulder to see one of the gym attendants puffing his chest out and glaring at me a little.

"Hey dude."

"Hey?" I smiled awkwardly.

"You've been here for a while."

"I'm just leaving." My cheeks went painfully red.

"This is a gym, not a shelter bud."

"Got it." I hung my head. "I'm off."

"Have a good day, cuz."

Ugh. Well shacking up at the gym for another night was off the cards. I suppose I could always get a hotel, but they're so expensive! I couldn't really force myself on a friend unless I explained exactly why I was forcing myself on them... and who would I even ask? I didn't keep in touch with anyone. I couldn't just text out of the blue after not talking for a year and beg to stay on their couch!

I could call mum and dad. They'd definitely let me stay. We hadn't really spoken much since I moved out. They weren't exactly supportive. Whenever we did speak both of them would ask in hushed tones if everything was alright, and if I ever went over for dinner there were a lot of pointed comments about why AJ wasn't there. There was usually an argument about the fact that AJ would be thrilled to go over for dinner except my parents treated him like some sort of criminal.

Anyway, I was gonna have to change my underwear. I had to go back to AJ's. He'd cope. Maybe he'd pretend it never happened. Eh. That seemed unlikely. Maybe he'd give me a bollocking and make me sleep in the spare room for a few days. That would be ok.

I tried calling him again and he hung up on me without answering.

It's over. Don't call me. I'll call you if I ever want to hear your voice again.

I bit my lip. Over over? You don't just throw away like... almost a decade of companionship over this do you? My gut tightened.

Please call me

I replied. To my relief, my phone rang.

"AJ!"

"I've put your shit in a pile in the hallway. I want it gone by tomorrow or I'm just putting it in with the rubbish."

"Can we talk?"

"About what, Rueben? You fucking gaslighting me about cheating on me?"

"AJ! I didn't!"

"I'm busy."

"AJ, what the fuck am I..."

He hung up and my words died on my lips. I stared at the ground.

"Whakarongo mai!" Someone came crashing into me on a skateboard.

"Shit." I crashed to the ground, landing painfully on my wrist.

"Crap! Rubes! Fuck, you ok? What did I do to you?" Joel knelt down beside me and pushed my hair off my face, staring into my eyes in concern. I opened my mouth to reassure him, and tell him off for being such a giant clumsy dickhead... but my wrist really hurt. I glanced at it and saw the blood. Ugh. Never been good with blood. "Just a scrape." Joel mumbled as he took my arm in his hands, turning it over gently. "Wiggle your fingers? That's good. You're alright. Shit, I'm sorry." He looked away from my arm and back to me, and to my shame, his face crumpled as he saw the tears. "Aw damn." He winced. "Fucked you up real good, didn't I?"

"No..." I gulped, trying to swallow the sobs that were trying to erupt from my chest. "Just had a really rough..." Na. No stopping it. I let the ugly wails take over my ability to speak and hung my head as I sobbed. Joel pulled me into his chest and held me tight. I thought I'd got it out last night, but hearing AJ's voice... the absolute... total nothingness he seemed to feel for me.... It occurred to me that maybe... maybe this really was over. Over over. Maybe I'd just been dumped for real.

"Ugh, I'm so sorry." I managed to pull my head up eventually. I shook my hand out. God I was a baby. I was FINE.

"It's ok." Joel sat back on the pavement. "I won't tell anyone. You good?"

"Super." I wiped my face. "Might wanna get some glasses if you miss a 6 foot human in the path of your skateboard."

"There's the real Rueben." Joel laughed as he stood up and gave me a hand. "And you're not kidding anyone with 6 feet."

"I know." I brushed myself off. "Ok, catch you at work."

"You wanna grab breakfast?" Joel checked the time.

"Ah. Sure."

"Mean." He nodded and grabbed his board, whistling as he led us up the street.

"Hey, I was gonna pop into Recycle..." I gestured to the second hand store as we neared it.

"Perfect, I'll dash into Fix. I'll catch up." He waved at me as he jogged into the corner store.

I grabbed an inoffensive shirt from the $2 basket and met him in the doorway. I raised my eyebrows as I saw by 'breakfast' he apparently meant a pie each, an up and go each, and a packet of cigarettes.

"Please tell me that's not a daily thing for you."

"It's the bad morning special." He yawned. "Trust me on this. I'm not a morning person so I know all about bad ones."

"I trust you on that." I smiled. We talked a bit about work and parked up under the tree in the car park where we took our smoke breaks. "Thanks for the kai." I gestured as I dug in.

"All good. Let's call it a 'sorry I KOd you' sort of thing."

"Sure." I took a sip of Up and Go and made a face.

"You don't like vanilla?" Joel offered to swap.

"Na, I like it!" I laughed. "It's just VERY sweet."

"Good, you need sweetening up."

"Whatever, chef. Your tastebuds are broken." I rolled my eyes.

"Don't you dare insult my palette." He grinned.

"Wouldn't dream of it." I reached in my pocket for a lighter and Joel winced as I took my phone out to fish around.

"Oh, your phone." He looked crestfallen. "Did I do that just now?" I glanced at it. No. That was when AJ decided to throw it against a wall. It still worked, thank god. The screen was shattered and the colours were already bleeding, so it would probably only last a few days... a few weeks if I was lucky.... Ahhhhh. Fuck. I'd fucked up so bad.

"Dropped it."

"Butterfingers."

"You got me." I yawned.

"You look rough." Joel said. "Rougher than usual." He turned his head to one side. "Huh. And yesterday's clothes. Boy, what did you get up to last night?"

"Nothing nearly as exciting as what you're conjuring up." I took a giant bite of my pie.

"Maybe not." He yawned. "You're alright though?"

"Yeah, man." I summoned up an easy grin. "All good."

---- ---- ----

Thank god for work. Customers yelling in my face about the wait for a table and the $12 bread and butter portions was an absolute relief. It's hard to wallow in self pity when you have an adult man throwing a tantrum about a problem which would have never happened if he could read.

Unfortunately the night was early, and AJ hadn't called to forgive me or invite me to therapy by the time I locked the door. Joel was on the earlier shift and Ramon was much quieter, and way less likely to do anything crazy like go in for a kiss, so the night ended uneventfully.

I headed back to AJ's. Probably a dumb thing to do. I think I convinced myself he'd see me and just forget everything. Or decide to forget everything. He wasn't going to actually talk about it. He wasn't going to hear me out. But he might remember he loved me and let me back in anyway.

My stuff was in a pile, like he said, in the hallway, like he said. I rolled my eyes and swore at him. I'd assumed he meant INSIDE the apartment. But whatever. I ignored it and let myself in. It was dark.

"AJ?" I called out.

Nothing. I bit my lip. He was either asleep or out. Either seemed equally likely. Not quite the confrontation I'd been gearing myself up for. I let myself into our bedroom and looked around. The photo of us was still up. That was a good sign. No AJ. But he was never home at a reasonable hour these days.

I yawned. Well. He couldn't kill me if I was all sweet and asleep and curled up in his bed, could he? I knew he was mad at me but he had to know he was going too far. I stripped down to my boxer briefs and pulled back the covers. I absolutely convinced myself that he'd see my sleeping form and his heart would melt.

I was about to creep into his bed when I heard the front door open. I almost called for him. I was so close...

When I heard he wasn't alone.

I clamped my mouth shut and dove for the light to conceal the fact I'd all but broken in. Fuck. I tried to eavesdrop over my heart hammering. They were laughing. AJ put on some music. I rolled my eyes. I love him, but he really has the worst taste in music. I think it was his overplayed Motown... his overplayed Motown... oh. His overplayed Motown 'let's get it on' playlist. I felt the heat rise up. Oh.

I guess he really did mean. Like. Over over. That was another guy. Another guy he was cracking wine open for and telling his best stories for and...

Oh my god, what was I doing?! I glanced down at myself in horror. Fuck. I needed to get the fuck out of here.

I threw my clothes on as silently as possible and cracked the door open. They were in the living room. That meant... assuming I was smart... I could tiptoe down the corridor and escape out the door without either of them noticing.

I held my breath and squeezed my eyes half shut, as though that would somehow make me invisible. Luckily they were engaged in raucous conversation. I couldn't make out words but I could tell they weren't moving anytime soon. I frowned as I heard the other guy's voice. Jesus. He was YOUNG. Sounded like he'd barely hit puberty, his voice was so soft and girlish... Part of me was itching to poke my head around the doorframe and see what he looked like- what he had that I didn't have...

But that would be so stupid. I didn't want to be the crazy ex who broke in and caused a scene. I let myself out silently and stared at my clothes in a pile in the hallway. My eyes started to sting. Cool. What now?

----

"Thanks again for uh...."

"Leave the fan on low overnight, this room gets so hot." Mum fussed with the curtains, pulling them shut for me.

"Ok."

"You have everything you need? Towels in the hallway cupboard."

"I'm sorted. Thanks mum."

"You need a tea? Something to help you sleep?"

"I don't think that's going to be a problem."

"Ok. Night Rubey Roo."

"Night, mum."

I didn't sleep. Even though all I wanted to do was lull myself into something warm and kind and easy. I closed my eyes and listened to the trees softly caressing the windows, and the wētā calling to each other, and the soft coo of a ruru. I caught my thoughts as they rose up, dwelling on them for too long, having imaginary conversations, and then imaginary sex, and then imaginary arguments. Then I'd listen to the world again, and see myself in it, so small.

The ruru gave way to silence, and then the birds woke up: the starlings first, then the kākā, then the magpie. I reached for my book. The Axeman's carnival. I like it because of the magpie. But I hadn't been reading because it had this horrible tension, an impending sense of doom, and I was so scared it was all about to go to hell.

--- ---- ---- 2.

If I never told anyone, it wouldn't be real.

Liminal space was fading. I was about to enter a new world. Lost, grieving.

But it wasn't real yet.

"I would invite you tonight." Kurt yawned, blinking in the daylight. "But that's pointless, right?"

"I can come." I said.

"I know, I know..." Kurt waved his hand. "Wait." He paused. "Did I hear that right? You CAN come?"

"I can come." I repeated.

"Really? That's great! Oh, we might win for once! Yay!"

"Yay." I lit another cigarette.

"Not yay?" Kurt frowned.

"Better get back in." I passed him the dart and went back to work.

"Space cadet!" Joel barked as soon as I reappeared on the floor. "Where the fuck were you?"

"What's up?" I'd been out for two minutes and the restaurant didn't look like it was on fire.

"I need you to approve this and give me a wine match ahead of tonight." He glared at me and stabbed at a plate of heirloom tomatoes on a bed of stracciatella. I raised my eyebrows.

"You need me to approve this earth shattering creation?"

"What is with you?" His face fell. I closed my eyes. I didn't mean to be an asshole. I took a deep breath.

"That was really uncalled for. Sorry." I took a fork and helped myself. There was a basil reduction under the tomatoes and a hint of chili flakes. It was simple and stunning. I glanced at him.

"It's practically perfect. The Milton Te Arai Chenin."

"Practically?" He folded his arms. I bit my lip.

"Salt? Pepper? And a drizzle of this." I reached for some fennel oil he'd been infusing for weeks. He let me re arrange the plate, with his arms folded. I pushed it back to him after the tiny modifications. He grabbed my fork off me and took a bite.

"Ugh, I hate you." He sighed. "Can you reprint? Just add fennel oil to the ingredients."

"Oui."

"I actually love you." He took another bite as I stated to head to the office. "Hands! All hands, new entree!" He called out.

"They're called wait staff!" I yelled back. "Or even Maria, Rob, Kurt, and Georgie!"

"All hands to me!" He laughed as I pulled the fingers at him.

--- --- ----

The weekly meeting went well because we'd made lots of money, Joel's new entree was delicious 'the fennel oil is INSPIRED' Lydia gushed, and apparently I was getting rave reviews on Trip Advisor. We were treated to another glass of wine which probably meant three, since we had to wait for Kurt to finish before the pub quiz.

"We should just get a bottle." Joel whispered as the owners slunk out.

"But you drink beer."

"I'm willing to try one of your favourites. Only not Merlot... I am not drinking any fucking Merlot!" He laughed at his own joke and I stared at him.

"You... you saw Sideways?" A classic if you were into slow Paul Giamatti wine flicks but... I guess Joel didn't strike me as the type.

"Yeah?" He shrugged. "I like wine and food movies."

"Oh." I guess that made sense.

"You assumed I only watch Transformers?" He stuck his chin out. "That latest Marvel?"

"Not as thick and boring as you look, maybe." I joked.

"Maybe." He narrowed his eyes. "So what will we drink?"

"What have you always wanted to try?"

"The Foradori." Joel looked at me.

Well. He was a chef. He had to know something about wine. I put the bottle through and sat down, pulling out my phone and trying to read reddit through the screen.

"No talking magpies today?" Joel asked, glancing at the book beside me.

"Go hard." I shoved it over to him.

"Sure." He picked it up. I rolled my eyes and squinted at my screen. We sat in silence. I glanced at him every now and then. He would scan a page, occasionally mouthing something. I blushed and looked away, feeling like I'd intruded on something private. He was a slow reader, but he was reading, and it wouldn't make it easier if someone was staring at him.