---- ---- ---- 1.
Joel and I spend a lot of time talking. He was always up for a long talk- almost as much as he was always up for sex. It threw me. I still found myself second guessing what he was trying to get out of the conversation, what he wanted from me. He never shied away from a problem, although he was a hot head and often said the first thing that came into his mind- which sometimes really hurt, and wasn't even what he really meant. Mind you, I was pretty far from the perfect communicator also. I tend to shut down outside, but inside I'll have one million conversations going on and none of them are actually helpful.
We were both working on that. One day we'll reach a state of enlightenment. Or something a bit closer at least.
We talk a lot about happiness. Joel's into Buddhism and meditation. Joel thinks Nirvana is living knowing life sucks. Untethering yourself from that and finding freedom in the lack of a higher power guiding you to happiness.
Not that he's much good at it.
I think Nirvana is a lie. Or at least- you have to really divorce yourself from the world we live in to find it. Accepting nothing and being ok with that means accepting the obvious- no money, no possessions, no personal connections. Maybe that's a sort of pure and honest way to enlightenment. But fuck me, that sucks. I kind of want to know the highs and the lows. I want to be loved. I want to feel my lungs burn after smoking. I even want to try drugs, one day. I want my own space. I want responsibility.
I'm ok to take all of that with unhappiness.
You're not unhappy all the time.
---- --- ---
We had been together- officially- for under a week. Joel WOULD NOT STOP calling me 'his'. As if it wasn't hard enough for me. He knew. I'd told him! Just because you have a big strong reassuring pair of arms around you doesn't mean all your insecurities and worries and anxiety just magically fall away. It came to a head when he called me 'his babygirl' in front of Charlie. I kind of wanted the floor to swallow me up, and I kind of wanted a bolt of lightning to strike him, but neither of those things were going to happen. Taking it as a joke would be easier, but what the hell kind of respect could I earn from the chefs if they thought I'd melt the second Joel gave me pet names?
"Hey, sugartits." I glared at Joel. He was grinning. Asshole. "You ever call me 'babygirl' at work again and I promise I will cut your balls off."
"You'd miss my balls." Joel folded his arms and smirked at me.
"You reckon?" We held each other's gaze.
"Heard, chef." Joel dropped his arms to his side.
"Good boy." I strode away, trying to hide how shitty I felt. At least it worked. I never ever heard a peep of mockery from the chefs- or even saw any side eyes or jokes under their breath. And I was looking for it. Of course I was.
But pet names weren't even my biggest issue.
"Sorry." Joel hung his head as we sat down to a drink while we did our admin. The cameras had been fixed, after literal years, which we discovered to our chagrin a day after we'd told Lydia and Marty we were dating. Thank god we didn't actually have sex on the grill or something.... We just got caught taking a bottle of wine which, since I needed to order more, I'd luckily left a note about which kind of looked like an IOU, which I did pay.
"Sorry for...?" I wasn't being a smartass. It had been a long day.
"While you are my babygirl, I realise that was a shitty thing to call you in front of others."
"Oh. Yeah. Thanks." I winced as I remembered Amy was away and I had to fill 42 hours somehow. At least there are always a lot of students floating around. I started changing the roster.
"Um. Are you mad at me?"
"Ah, I dunno. No." Kurt always wanted extra hours. He could probably pick up almost half that. And then Maria, Decklan, and Chaz could all pick up a shift.
"Talk to me." I glanced at Joel and realised he wasn't trying to do his own work. He was just sitting there, looking sad.
"Oh sorry, I was distracted." I glanced at the roster and the phone in my hand, about to quickly send some pleading texts. I didn't have the bandwidth to properly accept an apology.
"I can get on with some work as well." Joel said quietly.
"I'm not mad at you." I said, opening up my master wine tasting document. "Promise. Let's talk tonight. But can I get through this first? I'll be half an hour."
"Yep, me too." He sat up straight and pulled out his iPad. "So you do still love me?"
"You're pathetic." I laughed, shuffling closer to him. "Yes."
---- ----
"So... did you still wanna talk?" We were on the deck, curled up in the hammock, chipping our teeth eating peanut butter on a stale baguette.
"Yeah." I brushed crumbs off myself and rolled over so I could look at Joel properly. "You're always like... claiming me. You called me YOUR babygirl today, and YOUR Maître D' to Lydia the other day, and just straight up YOURS all the time. I finally realised I'm my own... me... not an appendage of AJ and now I feel I'm some sort of trophy?"
"Ahhhh, yeah. I see how that would feel." Joel took my hand. "Wow. Thanks for telling me. Ah." He winced. "I'm sorry, Rubes. I'll reign that in."
"Thank you."
"And... I'm also so sorry about calling you babygirl. I know there is a line and I crossed it. It will never happen again."
"Ok." I nodded. "I'd really appreciate that. Thank you."
"But you can call me sugartits anytime." He smiled and wrapped his arms around me, coating both of us in crumbs.
"Well. You do have delightful tits." I kissed his chest. He clasped my neck and pressed my head into his chest as he flexed his pecs. I had to stifle a moan as my face was buried between the mounds. Huh. Maybe this is why people like women.
"Mmmmm." He stroked my hair as I sat up. "Baby- I have an idea."
"What kind of idea?" I grinned.
"Come on." We helped each other out of the hammock gracelessly and he dragged me to his room. His eyes were sparkling as he lay me on the bed. He stripped, and I admired his body. He was posing- his muscles bulging as he grinned at me. He knelt on the bed, his legs spread, stroking his cock slowly as he looked at me. "I've been wanting to ask you for ages." He bit his lip as he looked me over. "I... I want you to fuck me."
"Uh..." I giggled awkwardly. Like... role play? Where we'd never fucked before? "Am I... meant to be like... a virgin here or...?" Joel ran his hand through his hair with a tiny sigh. He shook his head and leaned over me. He took my hand. He looked me in the eye as he unfolded two fingers, and started sucking them. He moaned as his tongue danced over them and spit dripped down my hand. I felt my pants growing tight.
"No." He panted quietly. He knelt over my chest and wrestled my arm between his legs. "I want you. To fuck me." He pressed my fingers to his hole and moaned as I touched him. The look on his face went straight to my dick and I felt myself react totally instinctually. I pulled him up and shuffled down, and he moaned as he pressed himself into the headboard. Surely eating ass wasn't that much harder than sucking cock? Easier in some ways. I was suddenly possessed with the need to make love to his hole with my mouth. To make him feel good in a way I'd never made anyone feel good. I squeezed myself over my jeans for a bit or relief as I pulled his ass towards me, dragging my tongue over his balls.
"Oh fuck baby." He moaned. "That's it." I mirrored what he did for me. I rubbed my fingers over his hole, and gently licked his balls as I inserted one finger, gently twisting it against his prostate. "Rubes..." he panted, "oh fuck, baby... honey... shit..." he whined. I switched my hand to stroking his dick slowly. I pressed my mouth to his rosebud. He liked it, moaning when I pressed my tongue flat against him and flexed it. It made his ass clench when I darted my tongue in. He stopped me when I bit his cheek, pulling away and flopping on the other side of the bed, his hot naked body sprawled out.
"Sorry." I winced. "Never tried that. No biting?"
