Yle

4. Emotional Struggle

This is the fourth installment of the Kyle series. This installment is 100% true.

Staring into Kyle's eyes and feeling fear I had originally shut down all of my senses. Hearing came back to me and I noticed the shower was no longer running. He must have changed his mind and shut it off before coming back to his room to kill all of my happiness. I didn't blame him. We were best friends and the dichotomy of that relationship and the new one was vast. I guess I had actually fallen in love with Kyle. That could be the only explanation for why I was so scared. Physically I could beat the piss out of him, but emotionally he clearly had the upper hand. I don't know what I was thinking starting this whole mess. At first I didn't even think of myself as gay. I just considered my lusting for his flesh as some sort of primal sex thing, or maybe a pheromone thing.

There was no question now about my sexuality, and not just my sexuality but also my hopes of what would happen between Kyle and me. I was excited at first just being able to satisfy him sexually but now I wanted more. I always loved him as a friend but now I loved him more than I could really even express. What a stupid mistake. He was clearly not even gay. There is no way he could reciprocate the feeling. We had already both been accepted to the same college and filled out the paperwork to be roommates in the dorm. What a cluster fuck I have gotten myself into.

I was determined to not blink, speak or move first. Even in the fearful state I found myself in I was still able to admire how beautiful his face is. He had such perfect features and large eyes. I know they say speech only accounts for 40% of communication and tone, body language, and facial expressions make up the rest. I think that is mostly true with Kyle being somewhat of an exception. I think facial expressions make up about 80% of Kyle's communication. I bet he could hold an entire conversation without opening his mouth. Kyle and I had now been in this completely awkward position with his face just a fraction of an inch from mine for close to a minute. Our breathing had even synchronized. He spoke finally, "Will you close your eyes please?"

I was less fearful and way more intrigued. I did not comply with his request, I asked, "Why, are you going to do something to me?" He replied, "There is something I want to try and it will be easier if you aren't looking at me." Alright, now I'm getting a little weirded out and I started rising up from my supine position. I was still locked onto his eyes so I couldn't see his hand but I could feel his hand in the center of my chest applying pressure trying to keep me lying down. I didn't like it. Kyle knew better than to try to use force on me. Not only am I physically strong I am also strong-willed and nobody makes me do anything I don't want to do. I pulled out my assertive voice, "Take your hand off of me. You are creeping me out and I'm about to put an end to it."

"I'm sorry. I'm Sorry. Just please listen to me. I am kind of feeling something. I don't know. I want to try something but it is kind of weird to me. I really need you to go with me on this. You trust me don't you?"

"Yeah Kyle I trust you but this is unchartered territory for me just as much as it is for you. You have to understand my apprehensiveness. Why don't you just tell me what you want to do to me? You want me to close my eyes and lie still without giving me much else to go on."

"Please." Was all he said.

How could I argue with that? He was giving me the big eyes look and I was falling for it. I reluctantly lied back down. With one last long look into his eyes I sighed and closed mine. I was covered in goose bumps and it wasn't cold. His hand made contact with my chest again. Not in any sort of forceful way, he was actually kind of caressing my left pectoral with his right hand. I felt his breath on my face again. Kyle's hand moved up to my shoulder. I felt the bed dip down as he put some weight on it. Then I felt the bed dip down on the other side. It felt like he was straddling my hips. His hand found my neck. He sort of massaged the front and then the left side of my neck. Kyle's hand closed around my throat. He wasn't squeezing hard but he was definitely using some pressure, then more pressure and now I was close to feeling like I was being choked. The majority of the pressure was on the left side of my neck rather than on like my windpipe. Then I felt it.

Kyle's lips found mine. As soon as his lips touched mine he gave a large exhale from his nose. He must have been holding his breath the entire time he was playing with my chest and neck. His lips were soft. His lips were probably the second best of his facial features behind his large eyes. I stayed completely still. This was his exploration thing so I wasn't going to move or do anything unless prompted. He gave two really short kisses to my lips and them he planted his lips on mine and I felt his tongue touch my lips. I opened my mouth for his invading tongue. It was a very tender kiss. I found that so surprising since he had been fairly forceful when his cock was in my mouth. I guess he was able to kiss softly and still maintain his dominant stature since he was now bruising my neck with his iron-hard grip.

It was easily the most amazing kiss I have ever felt. I have made out with a lot of ladies but none of them had this kind of skill. Or maybe this just felt better since I was so in love with him. I was getting so turned on. I was running my tongue up and down his from side to side. I put my right hand up to his side and left hand to his neck. I was completely lost in the moment. My hands were now roaming his naked body. I involuntarily raised my hips from the bed and I felt his heavy cock and balls collide with mine. He was still soft but I was as hard as a rock. I didn't want to move too quickly or make him uncomfortable but I was so lost in the moment I was acting out of pure instinct. I reached for his cock. His lips broke contact with mine and he whispered, "No."

I wasn't hurt or taken aback. I just went back to exploring his torso with my hands and kissing him passionately. It felt like he had been kissing me for over an hour, and that still wasn't long enough, before Kyle broke it off. In reality it had probably only been about 3 or 4 minutes. He rose up from me and sat on my stomach. His eyes pierced mine once again and now his face held a look of complete confusion. I could stay in this position until I starved to death. I saw no reason to change anything about the current situation.

"We need to talk." He said. If he had said that an hour ago, I would have been worried. I would have thought he realized what we were doing was gay and he wanted no part in it. However, after that kiss, I knew he wasn't going anywhere. There is no way he could kiss me like that and then decide he never wanted to see me again. I just raised my eyebrows in response.

"I don't know what we are doing. I feel like I want more than just friendship and head. At the same time I'm not gay. I can't have a boyfriend. But then I realize I don't want anyone else to have you. So am I just being possessive of you or do I really have genuine feelings for another dude?" He said it all very quietly and hurried. That wasn't like him. If anyone on earth had an ego close to as big as mine it would be Kyle.

"Well, Kyle, I think those are only questions you can answer for yourself. I'm not sure what you want me to say. I will tell you where I stand but to be honest I'm a little worried it will freak you out. Especially since you are now having this personal wrestling match in your head." I said.

"Yes please tell me what you think. I think it will help me sort things out in my head better if I just hear you talk about what this means to you. Please, don't hold back either. I'll sit here and listen to you all day." He had almost a whimper in his voice now.'

I told him straight, "I love you. I mean I am in love with you. Like, I don't even want us ever to move from this position for the rest of our lives. I know I'm a total catch so I'm also going to say; you're welcome."

I thought he was going to die. He just busted up laughing at the "you're welcome" line. He rolled off of me and laid on the bed beside me. He was lying on his side just looking at me, "What should I say? I don't know what to say, Levi. I mean, what are we doing here? Are we going to start dating or something? Do I have to take you out to the movies and buy you dinner? I never saw myself in this situation and I don't know how to react."

"Dude, I think you are totally over thinking this entire thing. We were best friends before any of this. Now we are best friends, times two, and you occasionally blow a hot sticky load in my mouth. It just doesn't sound that complicated to me. We can still work on our cars together. We can still go to the range together. The only thing that has changed is we added sex into the cache of activities we share. I guess my feelings for you changed a little. I loved you as a friend before and I guess now I would say I love you entirely. I'm not really ashamed of it. I guess I understand your anxiety about holding hands in public or something but it's not like we have to do that just because we are intimate in private. I will go along with whatever you decide you want to do. I hope you choose for us to continue this but I can't make the decision for you."

"But what if I don't know what I want?" he said.

"Kyle, I'm not going anywhere. We are going to be living together in a couple months. You can take all the time you want to figure out what you want. I just ask that if you decide you want to end what it is we have going on; you be respectful of my feelings. I don't want to come back to the dorm room to find you fucking a different girl everyday. I would get over it but I don't want to see it. On the flip side I would also like to ask that if you decide you want to continue with what it is we have going on you will be respectful of me. When we are in the bedroom I like you to take control, but when we are just hanging out, we are equals-partners. Now with all that being said and everything being out in the open I am going to rub one out. I have been hard for like 2 hours and I'm going to die if I don't expel this demon."

I grabbed my cock, closed my eyes, focused on the taste of my best friend's semen and started a nice slow jerk-off session. Kyle was still lying right next to me, looking at me. I opened my eyes and looked into his sweet angelic face while I pulled myself off. I leaned towards him and kissed him once more. He kissed back but ended the lip lock quickly. He was still deciding what he wanted for the future, which is fine but I hadn't gotten off during any of our escapades. It was my time now. I was close to cumming before I even started. Then I felt Kyle's hand start roaming my body. That almost put my 18 year old cock over the edge. His hand found my stomach, chest, nipples and finally my throat.

I don't know what his fascination with my throat is but I like it.

Now, like I said, I'm a pretty strong person both physically and mentally/emotionally. I wouldn't normally like anyone touching my neck. Actually I don't really like to be touched in general but Kyle was a clear exception to the rule. I liked that he took ownership of me. I like that he tries to make me his in bed. I think he peed on me in an attempt to mark me as property in some sort of animalistic territorial way. I moaned louder as his hand continued to massage and squeeze my neck. I loved the feeling of him in power over me. I really wished that we would take the lead and jerk me off. I know his large hand would feel great on my hard cock. I was dripping like a faucet. I have always been and I still am a big leaker. I don't even have to be hard. I leak in my pants some times when I am not even hard or aroused. I just have extra cum I guess.

Kyle had leaned in towards me and was kissing, nibbling and kind of breathing or blowing in my ear. I loved it when he was this close to me. I was stroking faster and faster while concentrating on Kyle's hand roaming my skin and his breath on my ear. I was thinking of his magnificent dick in my mouth, his hand closed around my neck and...ohh...ohhh. I came hard. I shot a fountain of splooge that literally trailed from my chin to my pubes. I almost screamed when I shot off. Kyle had loosened his grip on my neck and he was just looking at me. I finally made eye contact with him and I went in for a kiss. He pulled back a little and surprised me yet again, "Levi, can I taste your cum?"

"Yeah, I guess. I don't have any plans for it."

"Thanks." Was all he said before he put his forefinger into a glob of cum on my stomach and then put that finger to his lips. I was a little turned on watching him taste my sperm. His face puckered a little; as if he were eating something sour. Kyle only took the one taste and I don't think he ever tasted my cum again for the entirety of our relationship. He asked me, "Have you ever tasted your cum?" I replied, "No, Why?"

"Well, I have never tasted my own either. I'm just curious if yours tastes like mine. Since you have already tasted mine you should go ahead and try your own and tell me if they taste the same." He said.

I scooped up some from the same puddle he did and licked it off of my finger. "They taste very similar but yours is sweeter I guess. I'm not like a cum aficionado but that would be how I would describe the difference." I told him.

"I knew mine would be better. I've got the most awesome balls ever." He joked. Typical 18 year old bravado I guess.

I wasn't really sure where to go from here. Until he had made up his mind and became more comfortable with the situation I didn't want to come off as to "lovey-dovey." What I really wanted to do was give him another kiss, throw my arm over him and just lay like that for awhile. Maybe get up and take a shower together after I got my fill of just breathing in the scent emanating from his body. What the fuck, might as well go for it.

Kyle was lying on his back with his eyes closed. I rolled towards and gave him a 2-3 second kiss on the mouth. In an effort to make him still feel like he was the alpha in the relationship I laid my head on his shoulder and put my arm round his torso. It was kind of a chick move. I figured he would like the role of big, strong man that his lover clings to out of admiration. I was right. He put his arm around me and we just laid there for an hour. Every once in a while I would give the soft skin of his shoulder a little kiss.

To be continued...