Chapter 7: "Pretend like there's no world outside"
(from Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson)
Caleb had just come out of the kitchen and was sneaking back into his room as he passed by his father's office. It had been two days since he told his dad what he really wanted to do for college and the younger boy could sense the tension that filled that five bedroom, four bathroom house. Conversations with his father since then were quick yet amicable. He often found himself trying to escape in fear that talking too much would do something to influence his dad's mind. He almost made it past the door frame before he heard him call out.
"Caleb"
He stopped in his tracks, feeling his bare feet sink into the hardwood floors that lined the hallway. If he had stepped a few more feet he could have slipped away and pretended that he hadn't heard anything. Instead he turned, seeing his father peered over his desktop.
"Yeah dad?" He asked, hesitantly.
"Take a seat. I know you've been dodging me these past few days."
"No, I've just been busy with homework- I actually have to get back to this paper I'm writing..."
"Anak" Caleb's father emphasized, code switching into his perfect Tagalog tongue. It meant "child" in their language and was used so sparingly that the boy knew better than to resist. "Please sit down." His dad pleaded, taking his eyes off the computer entirely and turning so that he was centered at the large wooden desk.
Taking a seat, Caleb slumped into one of the tan barrel chairs. His father sat directly across from him, still wearing the button-up shirt he had on from work this morning- only with a few of the top buttons undone. The younger boy felt a wave of intimidation as he noticed his t-shirt, sweatpants and bare foot attire.
"Friday night you told your mother and I that you wanted to go to school for writing. I'll be honest, I feel like that came out of nowhere."
"But it didn't. It's something I've been thinking over for a while and it wasn't until recently that I thought I could actually do it."
Adrian removed his glasses from his face. "What about everything we talked about before? You could get a degree in Business- you'll always have a place at the company."
Caleb sighed, "I went along with that before because I didn't have anything figured out then. It was easier that way."
With a sigh, Caleb's father rubbed at the temples on his face. He looked over at his son, "It's a big risk to take: writing, journalism- they're just not as stable of careers that I would have wanted for you. I know that you're good, son- I've read your work." He lingered, "But what if it doesn't pan out. What happens then?"
Caleb felt those words hit his bones. This was the fear that he'd told Liam about before- the longing for a better life that all immigrant parents want for their children. Here it was on full display, in the form of his father- not angry or condescending, but genuinely concerned. He chose his next words carefully like knives to a gun fight.
"Dad, you and mom took a risk when you came over here. You used to tell me growing up how you scraped up enough money for the cheapest plane tickets available and landed in California with less than a hundred dollars between the two of you. You took a leap of faith to come out here."
"We did that because we wanted better lives for ourselves. For our parents. For you."
"And what good is that 'better life' if I can't make my own path?" He asked with a raised voice not so that he was yelling, but loud enough that he made sure his father was listening.
"I need to at least try." He sighed, "But I won't do it without your support."
Adrian Torres sat back into his chair like he'd been blown a harsh truth. He remembered being that young- with enough hopes to full up the entire province. He could feel himself in Caleb's shoes, sitting across from his father whose skin ran several shades darker than his own after years of toiling away in the fields. That conversation wasn't this calm and he knew better than to show a single ounce of disdain that his own father had expelled on him.
"You're right" he admitted, leaning forward so his elbows pressed into the hard wood. "Your mother and I made a life here so that the two of us-" he paused and looked his son in the eye, "and you could decide for ourselves how we wanted to live."
"Your grandfather didn't speak to me for weeks after I told him that we were going to move. He didn't even hug me goodbye at the airport. I think deep down, he felt like I was betraying him." Adrian steadied his voice, "It took years, but finally he came around: started talking to me again, started taking the money I'd send home. And I finally had my father back. Then you came along and all was right again."
"I don't want that for us" Caleb's father said, picking himself up from the wreckage he'd caused. "I know that I haven't been around- and that's entirely on me. But I want to do better. And I want to start by giving you my full support on this."
Caleb picked up any stray words that floated through his dumbfounded mind. He managed, "Thank you Dad, you don't know how much this means to me. And I promise that I'll do better too."
He sat back into the chair, each of them letting out a deep breath as if the conversation had taken everything out of them. Caleb hadn't seen his father in this way for what felt like the past seven years of his life. This wasn't Adrian Torres- the glittering façade that he often wore like a suit of armor. It was just his dad, letting himself be vulnerable and showing that side to his son.
