Longing for You

It took a few days, but the consequences that were going to come from Theo coming out started soon after. Theo ended up getting a ton of messages and phone calls from family after a couple of his siblings saw his social media tagged with photos from the party, and Roberto Santiago was beyond furious with the news. He, especially, lost his shit over text on his oldest son. Theo was ignoring most of the messages for now, but Hop could see that it was affecting him because Theo was far quieter and withdrawn than he usually was, especially during meets or at hockey practice.

Theo also got some cold shoulders from the hockey team, especially in the locker room. Theo had taken to staying out on the ice for longer so most of the other teammates were done with their showers before he went in to take his.

Theo kept some space between him and Hop most of the time, but sometimes they would play video games together, or practice hockey just the two of them and they would fall into joking and having fun together. It was some of the few times Hop saw him smiling aside from when he was around Trevor and River. Hop came home a few times to find River and Theo sitting close together on the couch talking about what was going on, which Theo had been more quiet about around Hop, mostly because he couldn't understand what he was going through right then while River could.

It was after a particularly brutal day between messages from family, and some of the hockey team being assholes on the ice, that Theo left without even showering, and by the time Hop could make it back home, River was there holding a sobbing Theo on the couch. Theo didn't even react to Hop coming into the house, but River looked over at Hop as he walked in. Hop made eye contact with River, then cut his eyes over to Theo, wordlessly asking if he should stay and help or disappear.

River gave a small movement of his head that seemed to tell Hop that he should come over and help. Theo had been telling River about the space he was trying to give Hop right then, though River wasn't sure this much space would help the two of them figure out what they wanted to be to each other. Locking Hop out completely could come back to bite Theo on the ass.

When Hop sat down on the couch, he could see some bruising already starting to form from the pucks that Theo had taken to the body today along his lower back. Without really stopping to consider whether he should keep his mouth shut, Hop commented, "Well, that's not exactly the kind of tramp stamp I expected to see on you."

Theo let out a surprised laugh at that and wiped at his eyes. "Well, it's not permanent, so I have the chance to get a better one later."

Hop smiled, glad that his knack of making Theo laugh hadn't changed. "Oh yeah? Are you planning one?"

"Maybe," Theo replied with a smile, though his eyes were still red and puffy. "What do you think would suit me?"

"Hmm," Hop pondered dramatically, "What about a photorealistic Betty White? You know, so whoever's back there can still make eye contact with a legend."

"Not a bad idea," Theo said, looking shy at the compliment meant towards him too. He looked over at River. "What do you think?"

"Well, you'll definitely intimidate the wrong gays away, so that's good," River joked. "Let me get an ice pack for those bruises though. We don't want them getting too much worse."

While River went to get the ice pack, Theo shifted so he was sitting more towards the middle now. "Mom just told me that I shouldn't come to Thanksgiving or Christmas because she's afraid of what my dad might do."

Hop looked angry about that, but kept his mind on being helpful. "Well, you should come to my parents' then! Or... I guess, maybe River's," Hop finished, feeling much less sure of himself as he considered that Theo might have preferred the latter.

Theo's brows furrowed at that. He had felt some elation at Hop wanting him to go with him, but the addition of going to River's instead left him confused and unsure. "Um, River's family celebrates different spiritual holidays, plus his mom doesn't believe in Thanksgiving. Long story. Even if they did, we're just kind of casually seeing each other, so it's not entirely appropriate right now."

Hop blushed, a rare occurrence for him. He spoke quickly to cover his embarrassment, "My house it is!"

"What if your parents don't want me there?" Theo asked. "I'm sure mom is going to spill the beans eventually. Our moms are friends, after all."

"I would hope my parents are a bit more progressive than that, but if they're being assholes too, we'll just start a Friendsgiving tradition!" Hop exclaimed, proud of himself for thinking of it so quickly.

River smiled at that as he came back over and sat down next to Theo to put the ice pack on his back while Theo got it secured around himself. "Might be smart to talk to them yourself soon just in case. Give them a little time while also making sure they know you support Theo."

Hop nodded his agreement with that thought, getting his phone out to text his parents. He typed quickly for a couple of minutes, then set the phone down on the table beside the couch once he had finished and sent the message. River gave him an encouraging smile and then looked at Theo.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk to the coach about the players who are behaving in this manner?" River asked him. "I know it sucks to do, but sometimes you have to. I only had one or two guys on the rugby team act like asses, but sometimes these sports can get really dangerous if you don't have everyone doing their job."

"They've been fairly good in games," Theo commented. "They just like to get their laughs when it's not as serious."

"Theo," River started, but Theo shook his head and stood up.

"It's fine," Theo replied. "If it gets dangerous, I'll tell coach, but not until then."

Hop's face was a study in contained rage. He decided then that he would do what he could to put a stop to this bullying, even if Theo didn't want to mention it to the coach. River's face showed he didn't like Theo's answer but he wasn't going to push Theo right then. He and Hop made eye contact again behind Theo's back and they both nodded, now was not the time to belabor the point.

"Alright, whatever you want to do," River finally said. "But be careful. I'd feel a lot better if it was just some of the swim team being assholes, but hockey can come with concussions, broken bones, and more."

"I know," Theo breathed out. "Thank you, River. I appreciate you more than you could possibly know."

Theo decided to go in to shower, hoping the heat after the cold would help let his muscles relax a bit. River waited until the bathroom door had closed and the shower had started before he turned to look at Hop. "How are you doing with all of this?"

Hop shrugged, "Fine, I guess. I'm going to see if I can help the situation any during practices and such."

"Not a bad idea," River agreed. "I have no power with the hockey team so I can't do anything to help other than to be there for Theo when he needs someone to talk to. I've noticed you two seem to be...more distant lately."

"I asked him for a little space while I work out my feelings about what he's told me," Hop admitted.

"Ah," River said thoughtfully. "And how has that been going? Or is that prying too much?"

"I still have no idea how I feel about it. I don't want to upset Theo with wishy washy behavior but other than stumbling through things, I don't know any other way to figure out... anything," Hop confessed.

"Sometimes stumbling through things can bring clarity, but other times it can just get one or both sides hurt," River replied, thinking of his own situation. "I just hope you don't come to have regrets later if you sit on it for so long that you let something good slip through your fingers. Theo is out, and dealing with the fallout from that, and eventually he'll make a decision on what path he wants to go down in his relationships. You don't really forget who was there during the hard parts, and who wasn't."

Hop nodded at that, "Yeah, but I can't exactly rush my way through this. It's quite literally a life-changing experience."

"Yes, it is," River agreed. "I love Charles Wyatt, your teammate, but he's never going to get to where I need him to be. Most of us who fall for straight guys don't get any happily-ever-after with them. I could see something changing with me and Theo though, but if it's his choice, you'd always come first."

Hop looked mildly surprised when Chuck was named, but managed to school his features relatively quickly. "Maybe it would be better for Theo if I just got out of the way of him finding happiness," Hop mused quietly.

River stared at Hop silently for a moment, like he was reading everything that Hop wasn't saying. Eventually, he gave a slow nod of his head. "If that's what you're set on doing, then yeah, it would probably be best. Theo deserves someone who loves him and would fight for him, because he sure as hell doesn't fight for himself."

River didn't give Hop time to reply to that before he got up and went to the bathroom door, knocking lightly before he entered to see how Theo was doing and disappeared behind the now closed and locked door, where they would no doubt talk and do other things, all of which Hop could imagine in his mind.

Hop decided to go for a walk and think about things. River was right that Theo deserved someone who would fight for him. Hop didn't have a problem with fighting for him, but being someone's best friend and being their boyfriend were two different things. He figured he wouldn't really know if he was bisexual until he tried having sex or being in a romantic relationship with a man.

He was willing to do all of that, but his concern was leading Theo on. What if he tried everything and determined that he was definitely heterosexual? What if he was only bisexual and not biromantic? Or the reverse? He shook his head to clear the questions and tried to start over. Ultimately he realized he was talking himself in circles and there was no way to figure this out without external input. By the time he got back to the house, the bathroom was open but the bedroom door was closed and, from the noises coming from the room, they wouldn't welcome interruption, so Hop took himself to bed on the couch, resolved to talk to Theo in the morning.

"Is it just me, or is Hop trying to actively push me towards you?" Theo asked after they were done with their second round of sex that night. Theo was laying on his side up against River's chest and playing with a loose thread on his blanket.

"I think Hop doesn't know what he wants," River replied. "He seems very unsure right now."

"He says things that make it seem like he's feeling something, but then in the next breath he's talking about not getting my hopes up and not wanting to hurt me when he doesn't feel the same way," Theo commented. "It's confusing as hell."

"Sometimes men are stupid," River speculated. "I think it would be so much easier to be into women, but alas."

Theo laughed at that. "If only it was a choice."

The next morning, River left early, and Theo had grabbed another ice pack to put on his back while he laid on his bed and scrolled through his phone. Hop tapped on the bedroom door, looking somewhat disheveled from his night on the couch. "Hey, do you feel like talking?"

Theo set the phone down on his chest and turned to look at Hop. "Sure, what's up?"

Hop sat down on his own bed, getting his thoughts in order. "I've been going over and over everything in my head and I seem to just be on a loop, so I figured I would loop you in and see if anything shakes loose."

"Alright," Theo said and pushed himself up until he was sitting, though he did so with a wince. "How may I be of help to you?"

Hop wasn't sure if he liked how that question made him feel, but he also might be reading too much into everything because of the tension between them. He shifted uncomfortably for a moment before saying, "Well, I don't want to cause you any pain, which is why I've been trying to figure all of this out on my own. But it also occurs to me that I won't really know if I'm bi until I try it. I don't want to try it with anyone but you, but I also don't want to lead you on if it turns out I'm not. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it does," Theo said with a nod of his head. "The only way to know for sure is to test it out and see what happens, but it opens up both sides to hurt, in some way. It's risky no matter what way you look at it. I can't really promise you I won't get hurt, but I will do my best not to blame you for that. You can't force something that isn't there if it's not."

Hop nodded, suddenly appearing slightly terrified by what he had committed to, but determined to see it through. Theo shifted on the bed to bring himself closer to Hop, facing each other now, but stopped before they were touching. Hop chuckled nervously. "I haven't felt like this since I was a teenager," he admitted.

Theo couldn't help but smile at that. "What, that feeling of your stomach trying to somersault in your body out of nerves and excitement?"

"Yeah," Hop confirmed.

"That's a positive sign then," Theo replied. He moved a little closer and finally broke the space between them by hesitantly touching Hop's jawline with the back of his fingers.

Hop closed his eyes and leaned slightly into Theo's touch, his body practically vibrating with uncertainty even while he enjoyed what he was experiencing. Theo pressed their legs together as he got closer, bringing his other hand up to run along Hop's neck and to the back where the bottom of his hairline was. He was watching Hop for any signs of discomfort or panic, and only when all of that didn't lead to any upset did Theo finally close the distance between their lips to capture Hop's with his own.

Hop was still as keyed up as before, but he didn't flinch away or react negatively. He had kissed women before, but for some reason he had expected that this would feel different. He knew he was overthinking everything but he couldn't seem to stop himself. Still, though, it was quite enjoyable. Theo's lips were soft and he wasn't being pushy or anything about the kiss. By the time Hop decided he could relax a little, however, the kiss was over.

When Hop opened his eyes again, Theo was looking at him cautiously, like he was checking to make sure Hop wasn't going to freak out at him. Theo had moved his hands away, but stayed sitting where he was with their legs still touching. Hop looked at him, starting to relax a little more. "Well, that wasn't quite what I was afraid of!"

Theo raised an eyebrow at that. "What were you afraid of? That you'd be disgusted, or that lightning would come down and strike you?"

Hop laughed self-consciously. It was cute to see him so unsure of himself about something. "Uh, I don't really know, actually," he stammered.

Theo smiled at him shyly. "Honestly, the worst that could happen is that you aren't into it, and don't feel anything. Other than that, it's not like the world will end or your whole life will flip upside down. I wouldn't tell anyone about this because you don't need shit rained down on you for something that you aren't even sure about."

Hop considered that and nodded his agreement. "Could we just... go slow, though? I'm not, like, the sort of person who jumps in with both feet."

"Hop, I've been into you since we met," Theo replied with a smirk. "I don't need to go at breakneck speed now all of a sudden. I can do this at whatever speed you need it to be and with whatever boundaries you feel you need."

Hop nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Theo. I really appreciate you being so understanding."

"Of course," Theo said. "Your friendship means a lot to me. I would never want to push you into anything you aren't ready for or want. It's why I wanted to just not tell you about it, because I wouldn't want you to feel bad for me or pressured into anything. Your needs matter to me far more than my wants."

Hop looked at Theo with a look that could only be described as the expression "you delightful idiot" before saying, "Being happy is a need, Theo."

"No, being content is," Theo corrected. "And I'm positive that if I get over my shit and actually move on, I could be happy with someone else. It would just take some time, hard work, and space."

Hop looked a little stricken by that thought. He swallowed what he had been thinking of saying and said instead, "I mean, if that's what you would rather do?"

Theo gave him a sideways glance before he shook his head. "I would always rather be with you, than the alternative. I'm just saying if I have to, I know I'd figure it out. It's just been too painful to consider. Unless that's your way of saying that kiss laid it all out for you and you're definitely straight?"

Hop shook his head. "No, that kiss gave me more questions than answers and told me I'm definitely not completely straight."

Theo looked back down at the floor, but Hop could see the smile on his face. "As I said before, then, that's a good sign. If you want to test it out more, you know where I am. We share a room and everything; it really is amazing I've survived that with your girlfriends over the years..."

"Had I known I was torturing you that whole time..." Hop started to say.

Theo cut him off with a quick shake of his head. "No, it's fine. I would never want you to not live your life. I would laugh about you getting a little taste of it right now with River, but it probably doesn't really compare much. Plus, I don't actually want to hurt you or anything. And I know you didn't try to hurt me."

Hop shook his head emphatically at that. "No, I could never intentionally hurt you. You've been my best friend since we started looking for that cat's people together."

Theo smiled at the memory of that. He had gone to quite a few houses looking for the cat's owner, and Hop was the only one who took an interest in helping him. It was how they started to get to know each other and had always been a treasured memory for Theo. "Dad always told me I was going to bring fleas home if I kept going around helping the neighborhood animals, but I did it anyway. You were the only person who cared enough to help."

"Well, he wasn't completely wrong about the fleas. You haven't gotten rid of me and it's been years," Hop said with a wink.

"You've grown on me," Theo joked with a grin before he leaned against Hop's shoulder with his head. It was something he would have done before all of this upheaval, but he hadn't done it in a while.

Hop, for the first time in their friendship, rested his head atop Theo's, enjoying the closeness. Theo let out a little hum of contentment at that, glad to be able to do stuff like this now. He knew in the back of his mind that it could go away at any time, but he was going to enjoy it while he could. They continued with these small movements forward, through the next week, mostly with cuddling or hugging, sometimes with light kisses. It was never hot and heavy making out, but it did create that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling each time.

Hop was slowly beginning to relax into things but he still half-panicked at the thought of PDA. He knew he'd have to get over that eventually, but it was something he wanted to decide on and not be rushed into. Fortunately, Theo understood, though he jokingly began to refer to Hop as his "Roommate", with a definite difference in the inflection.

Theo stopped everything with River while Hop tried to figure his feelings out, but they still hung out as friends, usually with Trevor. So it wasn't odd that River and Trevor showed up to the hockey game that was taking place right before the holidays came up.

Most of the hockey team had gotten used to the idea of having a gay guy on the team, but there was some lingering resentment from some of the players, so Theo tended to not linger much in the locker room. He showed up ready to get skates on and got out there to warm up. Once the whole team was out and warmed up, they got the game going.