When I was five years old, I met my soul mate. I didn't know what the term meant at the time. I only knew that this soul was a kindred spirit. He was my friend in all ways. The one person on Earth I couldn't disappoint no matter what. In him I found acceptance and companionship based on me myself and not out of a sense of familial responsibility. His name was Will. His was from a ranching family in the Texas panhandle.
My father was a vet and my mother ran the local diner. My name is Sean. My father is half-Mexican and my mother is fresh off the boat from Ireland. My older brother looks like him. They have the same shiny black hair, the same facial structure and even the same lack of body hair. I didn't know whom I looked like until my mother showed me a picture of her uncle. I have the same wavy dark hair and the same nose and eye shape. But, I have my father's olive skin. I am also hairier than my father. It is that silky, fine, shiny black hair, but my chest is only sparsely sprinkled with it. I stand six-four and have green eyes. Will and I are the same height. But he is golden haired and has the bluest eyes I have ever seen.
The day we met, our first day in kindergarten, I asked him what his favorite jelly was. He thought and thought for a few minutes while we played. After almost an hour, he turned to me and said strawberry. At first I didn't know what he meant, but then I figured he had answered my question. This scenario we played out a lot. Any difficult question, anything he had never thought of before, he would get quiet before answering. Sometimes it was just a minute but a few times it was weeks.
When we were in high school, I started to realize that what I felt for him was turning into more than just friends. But I also knew my feelings were one-sided. The first time I realized that was after a football game when I walked in on him necking with one of the cheerleaders. Her name was Cassie. She was perky, pretty and I hated her because I was jealous. She was also a slut.
Will never could hold his alcohol. We one time drank two beers and he was plastered. He didn't drink after that until the night of high school graduation. He got pretty plowed. The next day he told me he had finally talked himself into Cassie's pants. It had been his first time. He was on cloud nine and asked when I would finally loose my cherry. I just smiled at him while I hoped I could find all the pieces of my shattered heart. It was at that moment that I knew I was doomed. I loved him and I also knew that I would live out my life in heartache.
Three weeks after graduation, Cassie turned up pregnant. Will was in a panic. But he did what family tradition and the moral values that his parents gave him demanded. He married her. They did it quick in the judge's office. I stood up for him and even signed the wedding certificate. I also vowed to get along with Cassie. Within hours, Will lost that haunted look he had had since he found out he was going to be a dad. He was happy. The longer he had to think about it, the more he fell for her. It was amazing to watch someone fall head over heels. It was also one of the most painful experiences I had gone through.
Six weeks later, Cassie had a miscarriage. I got to the hospital thirty minutes after Will called me. I found out she had lost the baby. I went looking for a nurse when Cassie complained of the pain and overheard the doctor and a nurse talking. The baby was about two months older than Cassie was claiming. I knew then that Will hadn't been the father but she was looking for one in him. I also knew that I had to confront her. It wasn't pretty. She screamed and yelled that I was impugning her honor and all sorts of bullshit. I only backed down when she told me she knew about how I really felt about Will. That day in the hospital, Cassie and I formed a truce. A cease-fire because I am a coward at heart and someway, somehow, Will had fallen for the little tramp.
Will and Cassie settled in the foreman's house on the ranch and I went to college. I didn't have the stomach to be a vet like my father, but I did like the business part of it. So I studied to be an accountant and business manager. While away at school, Will and I would talk from time to time, but there was some distance between us. Mostly mine. I didn't know what to say when he talked of how good things were between him and Cassie. I also felt guilty for betraying him and not telling him.
While in college, I tried having a normal relationship. I even slept with a few guys. Physically at first it was fun. My body was sated and content. But I felt hollow on the inside. No matter how great the guy was, he wasn't Will. After a few months, I realized that I would probably never get over him. I also knew not to hook up with anyone for too long. No matter how hard I tried, it never worked. I settled for a few nameless, faceless fucks when my hand wouldn't appease the physical yearning for release anymore.
After college, I moved home and started running a few of the town's businesses, starting with Dad's office and Mom's diner. I moved into a little cottage downtown and started hanging out with Will again. He was still blissfully happy. Each time I saw him, my feelings grew stronger. They grew to the point that I ached emotionally and spiritually. That ache was a constant feeling inside me. The only time the emotional ache was dwarfed was by my physical ache for release.
When I needed a release, I would drive a few towns away, pick up a guy, and quickly ease my pain. The contentment never lasted but a few minutes. On the drive home, I was usually more hollow and empty than I had been before. One time I made the mistake of screwing a guy in the back of my car. I almost lost it on the way home because the raunchy smell of meaningless, empty sex and my own lonely, hollow life overwhelmed me. I had screwed a guy in a fast food restaurant restroom, standing at a urinal in a bar, and once or twice at this nameless guy's home. I didn't know any of their names. I didn't kiss them and I never was without a condom. The last time, about a year ago, I was inside this guy. He was moderately attractive and seemed to enjoy my movements inside him. But I knew it wasn't going to work. I felt hollow already and I hadn't even cum. I kept thrusting until he came then pulled out while he was in the throes. I hopped up and grabbed my clothes and left. On the drive home, I realized I could count on less then my ten fingers the number of men I've been with and I never screwed a single one of them more than once. I've been alone since. The physical ache hasn't gotten bad enough in the last eleven months.
Last week, Will's grandfather came to see me at my office. He asked to see me alone. He told me he knew Cassie was cheating on Will. He had had her followed. He wanted my help telling Will what had happened. I tried to decline. I knew that if I were there, Cassie would use what I felt for Will against the situation, turning me into a jealous home wrecker. His granddad told me he knew how I felt about Will. I looked up at him in surprise and fear. He told me not to worry. He had watched me for years and knew I only had Will's best interest at heart. He also told me that he may be a small town cowboy, but he wasn't ignorant of the ways of the world.
Before Will's granddad and I could confront Will, he showed up at my door one evening as I was coming home. He was drunk and sobbing. He told me he had seen Cassie while he was in town picking up an order. He had seen her with someone who was with us in high school but a few years younger. She drove to his house. Will told me he parked around the corner and crept up to spy on them. He said he watched them not once but twice. He was devastated. He also had a half empty bottle of JD. He was very drunk. He told me he had gone home, packed up all her clothes and placed them on the porch. He canceled her credit cards, closed their joint bank account and changed the locks on the door. He then grabbed a bottle and came here.
I did what I could for him. I tried to console his grief. I hugged him. I sat by him and listened to him blubber out his hurt and betrayal. It wasn't until this moment that I knew just how much he loved Cassie. I was jealous underneath all my sympathy. As the evening wore down, Will got tired after I fed him something, anything to soak up the booze. I stripped him down to his underwear and put him in my bed. I had never seen him like this before. He had stopped taking off his shirt when we were fourteen. Now I knew why. He was covered in thick, springy hair. All over his chest and belly, arms, legs, and the small of his back. He was beautiful. I pulled the covers over him and sat by him until he fell asleep. I smoothed his hair back off his forehead. Before I left, I leaned down and kissed his lips lightly and told him I loved him. I had never said it out loud before.
I left him asleep and went out and stripped down to my boxers and curled up with a blanket on my couch. I tossed and turned for a while before falling asleep. Banging on my door awakened me. It scared me out of my skin. The blanket was twisted around my legs as I sleepily tripped my way to the door. I threw it back and there stood Cassie, anger spitting from her eyes.
"Where is he?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Cassie?"
"You're full of shit Sean. Will always runs to you when he can't figure out what to do."
"I haven't seen him Cassie. What did you do now?"
"You miserable shit. He will forgive me. He always does. He'll never give his heart to you no matter how much you may love him."
Her words hurt, but they were true. "I know Cass, he gave his heart to you. It is a precious gift and you keep stomping it into the ground."
"You are pathetic Sean. You're so in love with him and he will never, ever love you back."
I was tired of taking her abuse. It may all have been true, but I didn't have to put up with it. "How old was the baby you lost Cass?"
