The ride to school was quiet, my lovable sidekick missing from my passenger seat. Dean had left the previous day, heading back to New York with his parents. Of course I sent him off at the airport.
"You be good now." I said as I hugged him.
"Since when have I ever been good?" He rebutted, chuckling. "I'll miss you."
"This isn't goodbye." I said. Dean was a part of my life. The best friend that everyone wished they met in their life; the kind of friend that, even after not meeting for years, could talk as if it was just yesterday; the type that you told all your secrets and never judged you for it. So it was natural that when he flew off that day, a little part of me died and followed him.
Now I was driving to school, the sky rumbling as droplets of rain hit my windscreen. As I expected, with Dean gone, there was nothing to keep my emotions at bay. I felt alone. For the first time in my life, I truly felt alone. I didn't have anyone at home to confide in and my one confidante was across the country.
But still I wouldn't cry, letting the sky cry for me.
I parked in front of my high school, looking at the building that I was just a few days ago sneaking into with Dean. The first day of senior year and I felt like shit. Senior year was supposed to be the best time of your high school life. It didn't seem to start so hot for me though.
I pulled my hood up, getting out of my truck. The cold drizzle hit my face, feeling like pins against my skin. I stuck my hands into my pockets, trudging over to the entrance of Jameson High. I watched as students waved hi to each other, getting reacquainted after a long summer, settling into their cliques, chatting away as they walked down the hallways.
With eyes downcast, I dragged myself to my locker. I couldn't look at anyone. I couldn't see the sympathy in their eyes. Apparently my misfortunes had spread all across school. Gossip turned to whispers as I walked past groups of kids, all not making it too discreet that they were talking about me. I dared myself to look up, just once, only to have my gaze land on the concerned looks of students. I sighed, returning my eyes to the floor.
I went for the first few periods, sitting at the back of the class each time. Even the teachers who walked in gave me those looks. I didn't need their pity; all it did was remind me that my life, everything that meant anything to me, was gone. No one came to talk to me though, knowing better than to disturb me now, which was fine by me. That is, until one person had the nerve to break that unspoken rule.
I was at my locker, grabbing my books for the next class.
"Langston." I heard beside me. Now wasn't the time I wanted to deal with Nick. He already had the nerve to talk to me today when everyone else just left me alone, as I wanted. I was pretty sure this had to do with the message I left him on his locker.
"Not today Nick." I spat, feeling irritation boiling up in me at his voice, stuffing books into my backpack.
"Hey c'mon. I just wanted to talk." He said, looking at me as he leaned against the locker.
"I said not today Nick. I'm not in the mood to deal with you today." I slammed my locker shut for added effect. I turned away from him and started to walk away when I felt a hand grab my shoulder.
"Drew..." Was all he managed to say before I turned abruptly, the irritation turning into full-blown anger; anger at him, at the student body, the school staff and the world. I grabbed the front of his shirt, pushing him back and smashing him into the side of the lockers. He looked shocked for a short while before his expression relaxed.
"Don't you understand English? I said I'm not in the mood!" I shouted at him. "What? Want to make my life more miserable than it already is? Want to kick me while I'm down? My mom is dead and my best friend has moved away. But of course that's not enough is it? Want to call me a fag and tell me I'm don't deserve to live anyway? Hit me till I don't even want to get up anymore? Is that it?" I could feel my hands curling into fists, my nails digging painfully into my palm. "I want to hit you so bad right now, you know that?"
"Then do it." He said, looking at me in the eyes, his eyes set in determination. His words knocked me out of my rage. Yes I was still fuming but I could keep it in check.
"I'm not like you." I spat, releasing his shirt.
"Oh don't act all high and mighty. You know you want to do it. I'm giving you the chance and you're turning it down." He said, his voice rising as his temper rose.
"Hitting you will not bring them back!" I shouted, closing the distance between us.
"No it won't, but that doesn't mean you can't vent your frustration." He said, bumping his chest into me, knocking me back a step. "Just hit me."
"No!"
"Coward!" He screamed. I lost it, grabbing his shirt, pushing him into the locker. My right fist came up, ready to strike him across the jaw. The blow would surely knock his head back into the lockers. Adrenaline and anger coursed through my veins, fueling my arm as I sent it hurtling to his face. The sound of metal clanging rang across the hallway. I looked into Nick's brown eyes, glancing at my fist implanted into the locker, mere inches from his face. Yeah I didn't hit him, but I sure hell was close to it.
I dropped my right fist down, seeing the dent I made in the locker, my left hand still clutching his shirt. Everyone in the hallway was looking at us now, mostly shocked faces everywhere. No one had ever seen me lose my cool before, even when Nick taunted me I never lost it like that. I felt a tear escape my eye and roll down my cheek. The emotional outbreak opened the floor gates. I felt everything crashing into me; sadness, anger and frustration. They filled me up to a point I thought I was going to burst.
"Don't you ever call me a coward again." I hissed through clenched teeth. "If I was a real coward, I wouldn't be standing here talking to you today." I let go of his shirt and stormed off, leaving awestruck students behind me. I wasn't going to class, not in the state that I was in. I headed to the second floor, the gate to the roof open seeing that school was back in. I walked out to the roof, which was devoid of human life, probably because it was just raining earlier.
I walked over to the wall with our initials on it. Our wall. I looked at the letters carved into the concrete. I brought my right hand up, tracing the letter, only to notice blood trailing down my finger. I inspected my knuckle, which apparently split when I punched the locker. The blood had started to dry so I ignored it; I was feeling so much worse pain than that. Another tear escaped my eyes as I looked at our little work of vandalism.
"I miss you already Dean." I muttered feeling another tear flow down my face. I didn't want to keep it in anymore. It was too exhausting. I leaned against the wall and slid to the ground, leaning my elbows on bent knees, letting the tears fall. I closed my eyes, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, the tear tracks colder than the rest. I felt a presence appear next to me but I didn't open my eyes. Whoever it was slid down beside me but didn't say anything. I opened my eyes and saw Nick sitting beside me. "You really don't get 'not now' do you."
