Loveloced: Woewired

Dear reader:

A political satire of "woke" white people, particularly woke white women. Definitely not to everyone's taste.

Intended to be humorous.

Skip if offended by the notion of a white gal mind-controlling her white boyfriend to service a black dude.

But quaff heartily if the idea gets you hot.

Adam

*********

SCENE 1

[Setting: A spacious but dimly lit college student's apartment somewhere in a large city. Secondhand ratty sofa, old comfy chairs, bean bags everywhere. On a tired coffee table are an array of ashtrays, pot pipes, and bongs. On the walls are large, costly posters of Che Guevara, Mumia Abu-Jamal, Tupac Shakur, etc. Cinderblock-and-plank bookshelves heavily freighted with books on Cultural Studies, Feminist, Queer, and Transgender Theory.]

[Sitting close together on the sofa are AMY and DIJON. AMY is mid-20s, white, pale, skinny, her blonde tresses in thick, long dreadlocks. She wears a tie-dyed tank top, cargo shorts, and hipster thick-rimmed glasses. DIJON is also mid-20s, so black he has blue undertones, shiny bald, and tall. He is built like a brick shithouse.]

[AMY and DIJON kiss. DIJON's jeans are unzipped, and AMY slowly jacks an elephantine cock. His precum runs down her glazed hand. They are in the beginnings of foreplay.]

[At stage left, a door opens and TIM walks in. TIM is in his early 30s, white, bespectacled, slender, with long auburn hair tied back in a ponytail.]

Tim: Okay, got your quinoa, babe. Next time, can you put it—

[TIM freezes. AMY and DIJON continue foreplay.]

Tim: What the FUCK!

Amy [still jacking Dijon]: Oh, babe! You know Dijon, right? Dijon Boom, from down the hall?

Dijon: 'sup.

Tim: I was gone ten minutes! What are you doing?

Dijon [grinning]: She playin' with my Boom Stick.

Amy: Get it? His name is Dijon Boom, and this is his Boom Stick.

Tim: Okay, you've just ruined that movie for me.

Amy [waggles Dijon's cock]: Why don't you come over and join us?

Tim: What?

Amy: Why not? Look at this thing. It's huge. And he brought us some weed.

Dijon: Good stuff, man. My cousin's a cop, got it from him. Cops have the best stuff.

Tim: Amy, can I talk to you a moment? Over here?

Amy [to DIJON]: Be right back, lover.

[AMY leans over to deliver a huge, slobbery kiss to DIJON's cockhead. Then she walks over to TIM, licking the precum from her hand.]

Tim: Okay, that's gross.

Amy: You're being homophobic, babe. It's not very "woke."

Tim: My girlfriend is licking some guy's jizz from her hand.

Amy [disgusted]: I'm not "your" girlfriend, like property. And it's not "jizz," it's "precum." And calling him "that guy"? You're assuming his gender—

Tim: He's a guy! You just said "his"!

Amy [eyeroll]: I asked first if he was a guy. He affirmed his gender. We've discussed this—

Tim: God, here we go.

Amy: And then the impersonal determiner "that guy" objectifies him—

Tim [head in hands]: Can't fucking believe this—

Amy: The racist, imperialist gaze. I thought we'd come so far.

Tim: Amy, I left for 10 minutes to get something you forgot to get. I come back and you're jacking off some strange guy in our apartment.

Amy: He's not "strange," Tim! He's a cis-gender male of East African descent. Your castrating fear of his Otherness is pathetic.

Dijon [calling over]: Hey, we gonna do this or what?

Tim [to AMY]: Do what?

Amy: I told Dijon you'd blow him.

Tim: WHAT?

Dijon: C'mon, white boy. Suck on my Boom Stick. Surely a big, strong man like you isn't afraid of a little "Boom-Boom."

Tim [aghast]: Another movie, ruined.

Amy: Yeah! Doesn't that sound hot? And transgressive?

Tim: But I'm straight!

Amy: That's what makes it transgressive! And sexuality is a spectrum, anyway.

Tim: And I'm on the straight, straight end of the spectrum.

Amy: That's internalized homophobia. Free your mind, and your asshole will follow.

Tim: This is crazy. Everyone said you were nuts.

Amy [indignant]: What, because I'm a Dolezal-American?

Tim: Stop it. You're a white girl from Atlanta. Your last name is "Lee," your granddad was a grand wizard, and your parents BOTH voted for—

Amy: Don't say his name!

Tim: You are not black! There's nothing wrong with being black, but you are not black! Blonde dreads, orange skin toner—

Amy: How DARE you question my identity!

Dijon [rising from the sofa, his flaccid cock hanging]: Sweet boy here giving you problems, baby?

Tim: Will you please put that thing away?

Amy: That "thing" has a name. Stop objectifying it!

Tim: It's a penis!

Amy: "Penis" is a Eurocentric, medicalizing, normative term meant to pathologize bodies in a discursive web of discipline—

Tim [turns to leave]: I'm out.

Amy: Not until you suck his cock! You owe him!

Tim: How do I owe him anything?

Amy: As a member of the colorless community, your duty is to make it up to him. For IT.

Tim: "IT"? What "IT" do I have to make up?

Amy: Don't make me say it. It's such an ugly word.

Tim: What the fuck are you saying?

Amy: Jesus. You know. You owe him for . . . [whispers] . . . avery-slay.

Tim: Avery-slay . . . oh, COME ON!

Amy: It'd be a wonderful, healing gesture.

Tim: I didn't have anything to do with that! Even my ancestors didn't! I'm a second-generation Lithuanian!

Amy [haughtily]: Insofar as you insist on identifying as a white, heterocis male, you've inherited the privileges as well.

Dijon: Look. I don't give a shit about this politics crap. I'm just a guy, I'm just curious, I just want my Boomstick sucked. This gonna happen or what?

Amy [faces DIJON]: Of course it's going to happen—

[TIM stalks out stage left and slams the door. AMY is aghast. DIJON is amused.]

Dijon [grinning]: Guess it's just gonna be you then, white girl.

Amy [grimacing]: Don't be stupid. Fellatio is inherently degrading. As is any act of penetration of a woman's body. I'm not about to succumb to the demands of patriarchy's rape culture.

Dijon [zipping up]: You a crazy chick. You know?

Amy [fearful]: Get out. Don't make me call the police. You know what they do to us people of color.

Dijon: "Us" . . . crazy bitch.

[DIJON departs, stage left. AMY sullenly flounces on the sofa and grabs the bong.]

Amy: Fucking Tim. Typical straight, white male.

[As AMY takes another hit from the bong, the scene freezes.]

[SPOKESWOMAN Voice Over]: Ladies, is this familiar? Abandoned because of your beliefs? Condemned to loneliness because the males in your life aren't as "woke" as you?

[SPOKESWOMAN walks in, stands in front of still image. She is in her late 20s, has long, black, lustrous hair, and full, red lips. She wears a white T-shirt and hiphugger jeans.]

Spokeswoman: You don't have to be a Social Justice Spinster. LoveLock is here to help you bear the burden of the past.

[Bottom of screen: LoveLock logo, url, and 1-800 number.]

Spokeswoman: Just watch how our friend's situation could have turned out had she planned ahead and given little Timmy the gift of a LoveLock spa weekend.

SCENE 2

[Return to the start: AMY and DIJON are on the sofa, engaged in foreplay. TIM enters stage left.]

Tim: Okay, got your quinoa, babe. Next time, can you put it—

[TIM freezes. AMY and DIJON continue foreplay.]

Tim: What the FUCK!

[AMY releases DIJON and hops toward TIM. A large, bright, silver key on a necklace bounces against her chest.]

Amy [hugs TIM]: Lover!

Tim [pushes AMY away]: What the hell is going on?

Amy [smirking]: Let me show you. . . .

[AMY shows TIM the key, which reflects light onto his face.]

Tim [dazed]: Whu—what is that?

Amy: Silly. You got it at that LoveLock retreat, remember? Where I sent you for your birthday?

Tim [dimly]: Uhh—whu—I don't—

Amy: Keep looking at the key. It'll come back to you.

[AMY keeps flickering the light from the key over TIM's slackening face. The quinoa drops from his hands.]

Amy: Whoopsy-doopsy, lover. You're getting clumsy.

Tim [distantly]: . . . sorry.

Amy: It's okay. Just keep looking at the key. Let it take you away.

[Moments pass. All tension leaves TIM's body. DIJON's cock grows flaccid.]

Dijon: My Boomstick ain't gonna suck itself.

Amy: Be patient. Almost there. Right, little boy?

Tim [nodding]: Yes. There.

Amy: Good boy. Now for the finishing word. You ready, baby? Ready to hear the Word? Of Truth?

Tim: Yeah . . . good to go—

[AMY leans in and whispers a single word in TIM's ear. TIM blinks, straightens, and reawakens.]

Amy: How you feeling, lover? Ready to do your duty?

Tim [brightly]: Yes'm. Please let Timmy do his duty.

Dijon: What'd you say to him?

Amy: Tell you later. Go to, Timmy. Go make it up to Dijon, real good.

[TIM, now TIMMY, drops to all fours, crawls to DIJON, and pulls himself up on the couch. He grips the base of DIJON's oversized cock and starts licking it. AMY sits on DIJON's other side and plays with his ear.]

Dijon [groaning]: Oh, fuck. Wow. Yeah.

Amy: You like?

Dijon: Yeah, he's really good.

Amy: He's gotten a lot of practice. There's a ton of guys on the block. We call him "Timmy from the Block."

Dijon: What? You mean he's blown other guys?

[TIMMY makes muffled sounds.]

Dijon: What's that?

TIMMY [pulls himself off DIJON's cock]: Lots of big, black cock. Timmy needs all kinds of yummy big, black cock. [Returns to licking DIJON's cock.]

Amy: Timmy doesn't service whites. Only people of color. Whites get enough breaks.

Dijon: Uh, you're white.

Amy: I'm a Dolezal-American.

Dijon: I don't know what that means.

Amy: Even though I'm biologically white, I identify as black.

Dijon [shakes head]: Whatever. White boy here gives head like a champ!

[DIJON and AMY kiss deeply. AMY's hand rests on TIMMY's head, as TIMMY continues to blow DIJON.]

Spokeswoman V.O.: LoveLock can recruit even the most un-woke male to do your bidding. Why sacrifice your own body on the altar of white guilt when other bodies deserve it more?

Dijon: Fuck, he's good. I'm gonna blow off soon.

Amy: You wanna fuck?

Dijon: I thought you said I was too big for you.

Amy: You are. Way too big for me. I meant him.

Dijon: What? Sissy-boy here? Up the ass?

Amy: He loves it. [Lifts TIMMY's head.] Don't you boy? Taking it up the ass?

Timmy: Timmy loves it, Mistress. Taking Master's big, black cock up his woke white ass.

Dijon: Mistress? Master?

Amy: Don't you think it's hot?

Dijon: Master . . . heh. Yeah, I do kinda like that. You my slave, boy?

Timmy: Yes, Master. Timmy is your slave.

Dijon: You my sissy slave?

Timmy [groans]: Oh, yes, Master, Timmy is your sissy slave! Please let this stupid white sissy serve you! [TIMMY returns to giving Dijon head.]

Dijon: Jesus Christ. Y'all are freaks.

Amy: It's the price of penance.

Dijon: Penance? Why? What're you giving up?

Amy: I have to endure the shame of watching my boyfriend fag himself out to a big, black, hot man. Also, I had to pay for the LoveLock spa treatment. He's totally taking advantage of me. It's disgusting.

[DIJON rubs AMY's crotch, then smells his hand.] Don't seem like you find it disgusting.

Amy [moaning]: Trust me, I'm totally humiliated.

Dijon: Whatever. LoveLock? What the hell is that?

Amy: It's what's making this possible. How he's making it up to you. All of you, one blowjob at a time.

Dijon [confused]: Making what up to me?

Amy: You know . . . slavery. The confederacy. The Trail of Tears, the whole thing.

Dijon: Uh, Trail of Tears was an Indian thing.

Amy: You mean a Native American thing. And you're thinking of Masada.

Dijon: . . . Masada . . . okay, wait, that's a Jewish thing. . . .

Amy: Don't be anti-Semitic, lover.

Dijon [eyerolling]: Whatever. So I can fuck him?

Timmy: Yes! Fuck this sissy!

Amy: Go for it. But don't call it "him." Call it names.

Dijon: Like . . . slut?

[TIMMY moans.]

Dijon: Faggot? Sissy?

[TIMMY shucks down his pants.] Please, Master. Please fuck Timmy's ass! Take it out on Timmy!

Dijon: Take what out on you?

Timmy: Institutional racism! Centuries of oppression!

Amy [slipping a finger inside herself]: Uh . . . all those fucking microaggressions you get every day . . . people crossing the street when they see you . . . assuming you play football. . . .

Dijon: I do play football. Honestly, most people are okay about things.

Amy [groaning]: Don't be co-opted. . . .

Dijon: All right, whatever. I just wanna fuck something.

[DIJON stands, undresses. AMY pulls off her shorts and panties, exposing her landing-strip pussy. She then strips TIMMY down to nothing, orients him ass-up on the couch, and plants herself by his head. DIJON positions himself behind TIMMY]

[SPOKESWOMAN V.O.]: LoveLock will help expiate centuries of guilt, one degrading encounter at a time.

Dijon [placing his cockhead at TIMMY's back door]: Good thing you lubed me up, boy. This'd be a little rough, otherwise.

Timmy: Fuck your slave, Master! Fuck your sissy slave!

Dijon [grinning]: Okay, white boy . . . you asked for it . . . [DIJON begins to enter TIMMY. TIMMY shrieks.]

Dijon [shouting]: You like that, faggot? You like what Master's giving you?

Timmy [moaning in pleasure]: God. . . oh, GOD.

Amy [to TIMMY]: Remember, baby. There's no such thing as God. It's just patriarchal, monotheistic nonsense.

Timmy: Oh . . . sorry. . . Goddess, oh, Goddess—

Amy: Good boy. [to DIJON] How's the fucking going?

Dijon: White boy is tight!

Amy: I make him do sphincter kegels. Keeps him in good shape.

[DIJON continues to tunnel up TIMMY's ass. AMY holds TIMMY's head and whispers in his ear. DIJON finally attains full penetration.]

Dijon: How you like me now, white man.

[TIMMY moans, pleasure and pain blended equally.]

Amy: Go on. Fuck him. Fuck this white sissy.

[DIJON grips TIMMY's ass and slowly fucks him. AMY smiles, lewdly and cruelly, legs wide and gently touching herself.]

Amy: Do it . . . fuck him. Fuck him hard.

Dijon: God, he's tight!

[SPOKESWOMAN V.O.]: We here at LoveLock know that our "woke" clients don't have much money. There's not much money in massage therapy, yoga instructing, or art history! So, if you can prove you practice one of those so-called professions, our "WokeWire" option for boyfriends and husbands is half off!

[DIJON's pace increases; TIMMY's shouts turn to screams; AMY, her eyes closed, bites her lips and frigs herself furiously.]

Dijon: Gonna bust a nut off in your ass. Gonna split you in two!

Timmy: Master! Yes, Master! Fuck Timmy! Fuck your sissy slave hard!

Amy [panting]: Yuh . . . yuh . . . do it. . . . cum in him. Split his ass open.

[DIJON's hips blur. He looks to the ceiling, then cums, wave after wave, slamming hard. TIMMY howls.]

Dijon [panting]: Faggot! Faggot! Take it, you tight, white faggot!

[TIMMY screams and hollers in pleasure.]

Dijon [done cumming]: Gonna make you clean me off, too, fag-boy. What you think of that?

Timmy [groaning in pleasure]: Please . . . please let Timmy clean Master. . . .

Amy [still masturbating]: Goddess . . . so degrading . . . . do it—

[DIJON pulls out of TIMMY. TIMMY turns around, DIJON's sperm dropping out of him. He takes DIJON's softening cock into his mouth, cleaning it tenderly. AMY moves to watch TIMMY clean DIJON.]

[SPOKESWOMAN V.O.]: It's been many years in the making, but there's finally a way to overcome our shared, shameful past. Our "WokeWire" treatment makes amends and helps everyone "come together," as it were.

Dijon: Uhh . . . God . . . clean me, boy. . . .

Amy: Lick him up good, Timmy. Make your Master clean.

Dijon: Damn, girl. He's a freak, and you're just as bad.

Amy: Anything to get rid of this guilt.

Dijon: Hey . . . so, what'd you say to him, anyway? When you were showing him that little key?

Amy [giggles]: Just a little trigger word. Part of the LoveLock "WokeWire" treatment.

Dijon: Trigger word? What, you mean like mind control?

Amy: Well . . . I don't know if "mind" is the right word. Some scholars are finding that white males don't exactly have "minds" like you and I do. They don't seem to feel the pain of life like human beings.

Dijon: Ohhhh-kay. Anyway, what's the word? The trigger word?

Amy [laughing]: "Reparations!"

[TIMMY moans. Sperm begins to drip from his soft penis. It's not an orgasm—more of a steady, slow leak.]

Amy: Aw, shit. I forgot. If I say it twice, it hits the automilk function.

Dijon: What, it makes him cum?

Amy: Not really cum. It doesn't feel good. Just an emptying of the plumbing, is all. You can't let slaves cum, you know. Isn't that right, Timmy?

Timmy: That's right, Mistress. Slave faggot white boys don't deserve to cum.

Dijon: "Reparations." Christ. Okay, I'm out.

[DIJON pushes TIMMY away and dresses. AMY sits on the couch, TIMMY heeling by her feet. DIJON makes his way to the door.]

Dijon: All right. It's been fun. But I mean it: You guys are freaks.

Amy: You'll be back?

Timmy: Please Master. Let Timmy make it up to you again.

Dijon [considers]: I suppose. That was a pretty good fuck you gave me, Timmy.

Timmy [beaming]: Thank you, Master!

Amy: Just whenever. You know the trigger word, now. I could give you a spare key.

Dijon [smiling]: I'll consider it. Keep that ass tight for me, sissy boy.

Timmy: Timmy will, Master. Thank you for fucking him, Master.

Dijon [shakes head]: Fucking crazy people. [exits]

Amy: You did a good job, Timmy. How does it feel?

Timmy: Timmy feels good and fucked.

Amy: Good job, Timmy boy. I'll put you back to your normal, un-woke brain in a little bit. But first you've got to finish me. Are you ready?

Timmy: Yes, Mistress. Let Timmy lick Mistress.

Amy [spreading her legs wide]: Get to work, Timmy-boy. Lick your Mistress, and make her cum.

[TIMMY dives to pleasure AMY's snatch. AMY pants and grips TIMMY's hair. From stage right, SPOKESWOMAN walks onto the stage.] Another happily "woke" customer. Am I right?

Amy [panting]: Fuck, yes. Keep licking my pussy, you hot, silly, helpless sissy. And thank LoveLock!

Timmy [muffled]: Mmmmankk muuuu MuvMock.

[Camera focus on SPOKESWOMAN]: Call LoveLock today. We can make the world a more just and equitable place—one willing and woke white boy at a time!

[SPOKESWOMAN smiles. Background sounds of AMY moaning and verbally debasing TIMMY. Fade to black.]