I sat cross-legged on the floor of my room, folding and unfolding the tired piece of paper, my eyes skimming the carefully constructed words, the black ink smudging my fingers. I already knew what it said, the reading was just a comforting habit at this point. These were the last words he gave me, and I was beginning to realize that these were the last words he would ever give me. I folded the paper again, trying to seal some small part of him into the space where the words touched each other, and picked up the envelope that it had been in. I put down the envelope and unfolded the paper, reading from the beginning. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing, knowing that these breaths were the most important I would take in my life, because these were the ones that would lead to the rest of them. I could not give up on breathing now.
I folded the paper again, and finally put in in the envelope for the first time since I had taken it out, and put it in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. My rational side was telling me to throw it away, to let it go for good, but I had to hold on to him for as long as I could. I pushed the drawer closed and lay back on my floor, my fingers curling into the long carpet beneath me. The light on my ceiling was flickering, and as I felt the fractures begin in my heart I curled into the fetal position. It didn't make sense. He couldn't be gone. Not yet. Not ever. I couldn't let him be gone. I couldn't be. Not without him.
The sun bleeding through my curtains broke through my dreamless sleep and I sighed, rolling onto my stomach as the weight descended upon me again. I pushed myself up onto my hands and knees, staying there for a moment while I evaluated whether or not I had strength enough to stand. Slowly, carefully, I rose to my feet. I crossed my room and sat on the old reclining chair, looking at the mirror next to me. For a moment I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I was looking at the same person I had seen yesterday, the same face that there was before the world broke in to a thousand flaws. I felt so different, how could I look the same?
~
All his things were packed into a small box, his memory weighing on my shoulders as I carried the box to the front door of his house. I rang the doorbell and waited, unsure of how to feel. I heard footsteps in the familiar hallway and his younger brother opened the door. His eyes widened when he saw me.
"Lexan, hey, I didn't think I would see you. It's been a while since..."
"Yeah, Max. I know. Can I come in?"
He nodded and I entered the house, instinctively glancing up the stairs to where Esran's room had been. My heart sank but I took a deep breath and kept walking, setting the box down on the kitchen table and turning back to Max.
"He left some games and stuff at my place, I figured you might want them. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I guess it just felt like it would make it real, you know?"
