I walked a little further up the street. "141 Maple Crescent, This is the place!"
I opened the door and as soon as I walked over the threshold, I froze with fear, the voices began again.
"Max, you're ok! You don't need to be here, now open the door and just leave!" "No Max! It's been nearly a year, you need help. You can't control what happened to him." The voices in my head began to quarrel, one wanting me to leave, the other, begging me to stay.
"Go! Just go!" It began to scream. Until.
"Can I help you?" A soft and gentle voice said from behind me. I turned around and saw a young woman all dressed in blue. She smiled and put her hand re-assuringly on my shoulder.
"Don't do it Max!" It said. "Uh yeah, I'm Mr Taylor, I have an appointment at 2:30?" I replied timidly, my voice breaking from the abhorrent mixture of shock and fear. "Ok, if you'll just follow me to the desk I'll check the computer"
The lady took my hand and led me to the waiting room. The whole interior of the building was white, it felt strangely like heaven. Maybe I hadn't made it out of my flat this morning after all, and this was all just some, surreal, limbo induced nightmare.
I sat in the hard, uncomfortable wooden armchair, trembling, wondering what would happen to me next. The voices in my head were still fighting one another, but the severe apprehension of what was to come helped me block them out.
"Mr Taylor!" My head snapped sidewards so as to look the young woman again, still she was smiling and gentle voiced. "Julie is ready for you now, it's the 3rd door on the left."
Tentatively I rose from the chair and walked towards her room. As I walked there, all I could see what white: White walls, white rooms, white chairs. Fuck me even one of the workers was dressed in white!
I reached her room and hesitantly opened her door, peered my head inside. "Erm, Julie?" I asked.
"Yes Mr Taylor, come in and take a seat" she said. I was met by this charming older woman, in her 50s I'd say. She seemed very kind, it was so refreshing to meet someone like that after all this time. However, my mind was on other things.
"Ok Mr Taylor, I'd just like to say a few things before we get started. You'll come here once a week and you'll be with me for all the appointments. We can offer you 6 weeks of therapy but can double it to 12 if we feel you need it. And as you'd expect everything said here is confidential. Are you ok with all of this?"
"Hmmm" I sounded. I could but nod my head, I wanted to cry so badly right now, there was so much going on in my head. Fear, at the fact I'd have to bear my soul to this... this stranger. All the horrible things I've done and the people I've hurt. And joy, that after years of suffering I was finally getting help. And maybe... just maybe, getting over Leon.
"Ok then!" Julie said, smiling eagerly. "Usually we'd spend the hour talking about how you feel and how we can make you get well again. However... since this is your first session, there are certain formalities you must complete." She pushed a series of bits of paper in front of me.
"Ok, so, the first one is just to make sure we have the correct details for you." I picked up the form and glanced over it. "Name? Maxwell Taylor. Age? 25. Sexual Orientation? Gay male..."
