I was home from college over summer break. It was my first year and frankly, I was glad to be home. College wasn't what I thought it was going to be. From various stories I'd heard, or movies I'd seen over the course of my young life, I had this idea that college was an on going party with tons of drinking, drugs, and sex with random strangers.
It was supposed to be a time to let my gay flag fly, hook up with as many guys as I could, and learn what life was all about. Maybe that's what college is in a bigger university but not in my small town University. The dorms were only a few miles from where I grew up so I wasn't exactly away from my parents and they felt the need to drop in on me quite frequently. I suppose I could have lived at home while attending classes but what was the fun in that? I wanted to be out on my own, free to do whatever I wanted, and I wanted the privacy to do it.
My parents were aware that I was gay. Hell the entire town was. I'm not exactly the kind of guy that hides it well, and while my parents were somewhat accepting of my choices, they regarded my orientation as a sort of phase they hoped I'd soon grow out of. My father for one thought that I was extremely naive and I know that he expected college to help me mature somewhat. I guess in some ways I was naive. I was still a virgin (though I hoped to rectify that condition once I was out on my own) and I wasn't really all that familiar with the "gay life".
I'd never traveled that far from home. I'd never had any gay friends or even met another gay guy before, and I was honestly scared about what my first time would be like. I'd seen a few gay porn movies before, mostly just out of curiosity, and I had an affinity for Japanese, boy love manga. Yeah I know, sounds silly that I expected to gain any real experience by reading yaoi, but at the time, it was the only thing I had.
So there I was, starting college with an overly exaggerated idea of what the next year would be like, excited and nervous at the same time, on my own for the first time ever, and walking into the future with a school boys enthusiasm. I found my dorm room easy enough and went to work at once unpacking my things. The room was small, a lot smaller than what I was used to but I wasn't complaining. It was all part of the experience.
A few hours later I was introduced to my roommate. He was a moody, and somewhat grumpy young man with dark hair and a brooding expression that made me want to cower in the corner. He was the exact opposite of me and he wasn't happy about it. When he walked into the room and dumped his bags down on his bed I walked over and introduced myself. I offered him my hand and smiled a huge, welcoming smile. "I'm Devin." I said, almost too eagerly. My voice has always been high, a bit too effeminate, and I was a naturally happy and energetic person.
He looked at my hand, then at my face, rolled his eyes and muttered something about having a faggot for a roommate, and then sulked out of the room. I shrugged it off and went back to my side of the room. Bad first impression that led to a slew of other problems as the year progressed. My roomy didn't like me, and he wasn't shy about letting me know it either. I found out later that his name was Leland. We never did get along, though I tried, but I think that only made him like me less. Eventually I learned to give him his space and keep to myself.
I tried to remain upbeat for the first few weeks but over time my jovial personality proved to be somewhat problematic. Most people regarded me as an immature little fool. My jokes were juvenile, my sweet and unassuming personality made me a target, and my soft spoken, even tempered disposition made it easy for others to take advantage of me. In short, I was kind of a dork, and a joke around campus.
If there were any wild, drunken parties, I was not made privy to them. Not that I would have had the time or energy for such things anyway. The course work was much harder than I had expected. After attending classes and seminars I had labs and then spent most of my free time studying. I managed to sneak in a few hours of sleep here and there and usually ate on the run. Coffee, and lots of it, became my best friend.
By the time the semester was over I was worn out, irritable, depressed, and seriously considering whether or not to go back. I was never so happy to be home. The first day I ran to my room, threw myself on my bed, and bawled my eyes out. As I lay there I couldn't help but wonder about all my friends from high school. Where where they now? How was their first year of college? Would they still be my friends after all this time?
After I'd cried myself out I decided to make a few calls and try to reconnect with some of my old friends. I could really use a friend at this point and I hoped that talking to them might lift my spirits some. My hopes were quickly dashed though as I went through my address book, calling anyone I could think of.
Rob had taken a summer job at his fathers firm. Kelly and a few of her girl friends had rented a summer house on the beach and were spending the entire summer there. Marty had just gotten engaged and she and her fiance were pretty much attached at the hips. She was polite and friendly to me but it was clear that she didn't have the time to rekindle our friendship. Adam was visiting relatives and Kim had started a job as a life guard at a local resort.
Everyone had something great planned for the summer, everyone but me. Feeling dejected and alone, I threw on a pair of old swimming trunks and went outside to sit by our in ground pool. I dropped my feet into the water and just sat there, solemnly looking down into the water and wondering silently if I should just jump in and drown myself.
The next few days passed like this. I could tell my parents were worried about me. I definitely wasn't acting myself and they couldn't understand why I was so sad all the time. Mom thought that I missed being away at school to which I quickly corrected her. I hated it, I told her, and I never want to go back.
I began eating less and sleeping more and the only real joy I found was swimming or wading in our pool. The water felt nice against my bare skin and when I sunk to the floor of the pool, with the clear, cool, water well above my head, I felt a sense of serenity. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, that could touch me down there. I was the master of this underwater world. There was a strange sort of comfort in that. Being the master of nothing in general meant that nothing could hurt me, so I embraced this new found freedom and finally found some semblance of peace.
It was on a lazy Friday after noon that my parents informed me of their plan to leave for the weekend. They would be back sometime Monday morning so the entire weekend I would be left on my own. They asked if I wanted to come along with them, concerned that leaving me alone in my current funk might not be the healthiest of ideas, but I knew that they needed some time alone and I respected their privacy. Mom assured me that I would not be underfoot but still I declined, assuring her that I would be fine alone. She kissed me goodbye and dad gave me a strong bear hug that nearly crushed my rib cage. He was a big man so I definitely didn't get my small stature from him. I was more petite, like my mother.
Once they were gone I crashed on the sofa and watched some TV until I fell asleep. When I woke later, it was dark out, but still hot. I had neglected to turn the AC on but there was a nice breeze coming through the open windows so it wasn't too uncomfortable but still I needed to cool down. It was then that I decided to go for a late night dip in our pool.
I threw on my trunks then headed out back. The patio was illuminated by a string of lights that lined the privacy fence as well as lights on the edge of the pool itself which gave the water a bright, iridescent glow. It almost looked magical in the darkness that surrounded my tiny, glowing paradise.
I sat on the edge of the pool, letting my feet wade in the water for the longest time, just relaxing and enjoying the solitude of the night. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and let the cool breeze coming off the waters wash over me. It was an amazing feeling. I finally allowed myself to dip down into the water. I loved the feel of it as I submerged myself, letting the water rush over my head. I was once again deep within my underwater sanctuary, safe from the imposing world above me.
