Chapter 4: YEONG-SOO
I'm sitting at the dining table petting the cat (her name is Sonia, I remember), and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in I don't know how long. Caleb is doing the washing up, and even though I had offered to help it's just as well that he refused because the jet lag and lack of sleep are starting to catch up with me. The kitchen sink faces the table, and since Caleb is preoccupied with washing I can pretty much observe him as much as I like while pretending to be focused on the cat or my surprisingly high end glass of wine.
I'm already partial to a rugged man with a beard, but more than that there's something about this particular man, Caleb. I try to analyze just what about him is so magnetic. For one, aside from his impatience with the store clerk when we first met, he just seems to exude calm and patience and understanding... so much so that I'd found myself revealing more about myself than I'd meant to during the ride back to the house from the cemetery. I hadn't meant to bring up the whole sham marriage thing, since he would probably come to the obvious conclusion that the other big reason I'm doing it is that I'm gay, and more than likely that would be completely unwelcome in a rural area like this. But Caleb seems different from anything I would have imagined a farmer would be like. Just looking at how he dresses anyone might be fooled into thinking he's exactly what he looks like (albeit a really good-looking specimen). He could have been like that guy at the store, close-minded and prejudiced, but everything I'd seen and learned of Caleb since that first meeting has shown that he's nothing like that other guy. He's smart, gentle, kind, generous... to offer to take in a complete stranger, I still can't get over how generous he's been. I didn't go into all the other reasons I'm conflicted about marrying Yu-jin, but I imagine Caleb was able to read between the lines. Despite myself, I kind of hope he did... I wonder what he thinks about me...
I stop that train of thought immediately. What's the point? I'm leaving tomorrow. But even as I'm telling myself that, I can't resist letting the... contentedness, that's what it is, I can't resist letting the sheer contentedness wash over me. The feeling of relaxation is understandable. Half a world away from all the Asian tabloids, away from the never-ending paparazzi's prying cameras, I can let myself just relax for once. Be myself for once, instead of the perfect gentleman, the perfect "K-drama heartthrob". I feel years and years of constant and unrelenting stress just washing away from me, like muddied waters being carried out on the evening tide. When was the last time I'd taken a break? Had a vacation? I can't even remember.
But more than that I'm struck by another kind of warm feeling that I struggle to identify. Contentment and relaxation, sure, I feel that in my shoulders loosening and the lines in my forehead smoothing out. But more that that... the scene is just so incredibly... domestic. And so natural. It's like slipping into a comfortable pair of old jeans. Like somehow we've had dinner at home like this, just the two of us, for years and years, instead of just tonight for the first time. That's it, I think to myself. This is what a home feels like.
Chasing that thought comes more thoughts, more nagging and annoying, first a memory, from when I was young. My parents fought all the time, my mother wanting me to be an actor or an idol, my father wanting me to be a doctor, or a businessman at least. No siblings, so all of their focus on me, like a laser beam, all of their hopes piled up on me, weighing me down so I could hardly breathe. Definitely no sense of a home there. But there was a time I had a glimpse of what it could be like, the first time I realized what I'd been missing and how much I wanted it.
It was early in my career. Tae-seok, another actor in my agency, and I had been cast as brothers in the same series. It wasn't a big part because we were just the younger brothers of the main character, but almost all of our scenes were together. We'd spend the day on set and then the evenings going out to eat and drinking with a bigger group, but we always ended up sitting next to each other and ignoring everyone else. We would stagger back to each other's rooms and pass out on each other's couches or floors, and our agents would nag us and tell us we should be taking care of ourselves so that we would look our best for the camera. But we were young and invincible and so of course we ignored them, and pretty soon we were spending our days off together as well. The last part of the series took place in Italy, and while the rest of the cast and crew stayed in Milan where we were shooting, Tae-seok and I spent a weekend on our own hiking around a small town several hours away. We bought groceries at a little corner store and I cooked him dinner, the first and only time I've cooked for someone I was in love with. Because, yes, by that time I was completely in love with Tae-seok, even if I didn't fully recognize it and understand it myself. But then when afterwards, while sharing a bottle of local wine outdoors and watching a romantic sunset together, when I tried to kiss him...
I cringe at the memory. Tae-seok's response, like ice cold water thrown on me in the middle of winter. Luckily it was near the end of the shoot, so we didn't have to suffer through that many more scenes together. And of course we never talked about it, pretty much never spoke again, certainly were never alone in a room together ever again. It's a memory I've avoided for years and years, so why should I remember it now? Maybe it's because it's Christmas and I'm getting engaged to Yu-jin and I'm mentally and physically exhausted and feeling nostalgic.
Or maybe it's because of Caleb, a voice inside me says. At that I turn to look at him, and I find Caleb's eyes on me with a look of mild concern in them.
"Everything all right?" he asks. I look up at those warm and clear gray eyes and realize I must have been daydreaming and accidentally let the conversation die.
"Yeah, I'm great. Just a bit tired. It's been a long day," I say returning to the present day.
"I can imagine," he says, with that broad open smile again, that enveloping warmth in his eyes.
Caleb has finished with the dishes and is giving the counters one last wipe. I can't help watching him with a sense of longing. I'd forgotten just how badly I'd wanted this at one time, dreaming about a life together with Tae-seok. Quiet nights at home with someone I liked, really liked, someone I was attracted to both physically and emotionally. My agent and management company had seemed to sense what had happened with Tae-seok. I'm sure they were all well experienced with what to do about any gay young clients, and had well-established protocols and strategies in place for how to handle them, nip it all in the bud long before things got out of hand. They kept me working all the time, and I was young and ambitious, my career was taking off, and I was so hurt by what had happened, I let myself be ruled by them. I was happy to cut out that part of my life if it meant never having to face that pain again.
Caleb sits down next to me, and I realize I've gone quiet again.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks gently, inviting me to talk. I realize he probably thinks I'm still thinking about Yu-jin. I guess I am, really, in a way.
"Oh, just how different this is from my normal life," I say lightly and not completely inaccurately.
"You don't cook dinner for your girlfriend? Do you live together?"
"We do live together, but we're really just like roommates. We work all the time anyway and have different schedules, and we have a lot of social obligations for our work. So we're not home very much anyway." Yu-jin and I have had some pretend date nights for social media worthy photographs or magazine spread purposes, but as friendly as we are with each other, I'd rather be on my own to be honest than having a pretend romantic relationship with her, and she usually has some secret boyfriend or other on the side anyway (completely discreet and monitored and approved by her agent, of course).
