My Orean Christmas Prince

Chapter 7: CALEB

And I thought yesterday had been unpredictable. Today has been a complete rollercoaster. Yeong-soo and I spent all day having what felt like a ridiculously perfect romantic winter frolic in the snow, and then in the loft, there was that unbelievable closeness while we were stargazing, but then I was crushed by Yeong-soo's only slightly sugarcoated explanation that he was going to return to his "normal" life as one of the biggest actors in the world. But then, how could that have been any kind of surprise? There's no way in hell he would give up his huge career just for someone like me after just a couple of days. What kind of fantasy had I been building up in my head? That we would live happily ever after on this farm? As if.

And then, I don't even know how we got there, but I ended up baring my soul to him. Told him about what happened with my parents and me, stuff that I've never told anyone. Cried in front of him, which should have felt embarrassing, but he held my hand and comforted me and it didn't feel embarrassing at all. (Okay, maybe a little bit. But not as much as I would have expected.) Along the way I also found out he was gay, and I would have been ecstatic at hearing it if he hadn't just told me that he would never be able to have a relationship with me.

And now we're... decorating a Christmas tree in front of a crackling fire to the sounds of Bing Crosby's Christmas album on cassette? Good Lord, I don't think either of us would have guessed that this is what we'd be doing tonight, not in a million years.

Deciding on the actual tree was actually not too hard. A lot of the firs by the barn were way too tall, and of the ones that were the right height, only a few of them were a good shape and size. Using a two-person saw to cut it down was a little bit overkill, but I thought it would be fun for Yeong-soo to try it out, and it also wasn't too hard to drag it back to the house with both of us pulling it. While I was setting up the tree in the living room, Yeong-soo pulled out the boxes of ornaments he'd found yesterday. The boxes even contained needle and thread and popcorn for making popcorn garlands, so we popped some of the popcorn and tackled that first. (Well, actually me pouring us large glasses of wine came first.)

Our conversation in the loft seems to have removed any remaining barriers between us, I mean in terms of what we could talk about. Yeong-soo told me about his one and only gay relationship, with another actor when he was first starting to get big roles, and I told him about my longest relationship. David was a guy I had met at work in Singapore and he had been a great guy, but looking back I was definitely not in love with him. I mean, at the time I'd liked him a lot, but comparing what I felt for him to what I feel for Yeong-soo is like comparing chalk and cheese. They're both good-looking, although in very different ways. David was a gym bunny and had a lot of muscle. Yeong-soo is also muscular, but he's lean and not bulky at all. David and Yeong-soo are also both intelligent, but David's smarts seemed reserved for our work and strategizing how to make lots of money. We didn't really talk about culture or our emotions or anything like that. I'd never really noticed it at the time, but we didn't talk about much that was meaningful or very deep in general. I don't think he once asked me about why my relationship with my parents was so strained. We basically just did a lot of stuff, like work out together or travel, go to movies or out to bars or clubs with friends. David was a great boyfriend, on the surface. Easy to be around, no major disagreements or drama or anything, someone that all my friends envied me having.

But Yeong-soo... Wow, it's like the difference between a match and an inferno. I never "clicked" with David, not even after more than a year together, the way that I did with Yeong-soo after just a couple of hours. Spending time with Yeong-soo is just so easy. Yes, there's the physical attraction. I mean, the man's an international heartthrob for a reason. But he's also just so damn smart and sensitive and kind and funny, and he just seems to "get" me, even when I'm being too quiet or too agitated.

...And he's leaving tomorrow. Even if we did somehow keep in touch, what then? I already know just how far away Korea is, having done those futile trips back home to try to see my parents from when I was working there multiple times. It's practically on the other side of the world. When's the next time he's going to be anywhere near Wisconsin? When would I have any reason to be in Asia again? We would be able to see each other what, a few days every few years? We live completely different lives.

Anyway, I've gotten off track. Naturally I don't tell Yeong-soo how much more amazing he is than my previous boyfriend. I just tell him the basics, and that when I decided to move back to the farm David and I had both agreed that we should split up rather than try to do a long distance relationship. We'd only been dating for a little over a year and he was still working in Asia at the time. I thought I saw Yeong-soo look a little thoughtful at that part particularly, about why David and I had split up, but who am I kidding? Yeong-soo was right to make me face the truth. If David and I knew we weren't going to be able to make our relationship work, there's no chance in hell that Yeong-soo and I would be able to. Even if we could have all the chemistry in the world between us, Yeong-soo's world, of celebrity and constant attention and constant activity, is even further away from mine than David's was. He might as well be living on the moon.

I try not to think about the disappointment of never seeing Yeong-soo again after tomorrow and just enjoy the remaining time we have left. After we finish making the popcorn garlands, I initiate Yeong-soo to the whole Davies' elaborate Christmas tree decorating ritual. First, the strands of lights go on, and there's a very specific strategy my dad had that's involved in spacing everything perfectly evenly and hiding all the wires. Then the garlands go on, and then there was the annual debate we used to have every year about whether we should put tinsel on the tree or not. My mom always thought it looked a little too flashy and tacky, but Dad said it was tradition, and then my mom would always still pretend to argue about it before giving in. And then all the Christmas balls went on (which also had to be perfectly evenly spaced around the tree), and finally all the other "baubles", the random assortment of Christmas ornaments that we'd accrued over the years. I try not to bore Yeong-soo with the history of every single one of these ornaments, but I do point out some really nice intricately designed ones handmade in silver that had been passed down through the generations.

"That's weird," I say as we get through the last box of ornaments.

"What's weird?" Yeong-soo asks absentmindedly as he studies the tree from multiple angles. He's thoroughly enjoying the tree decorating and has become as obsessive about finding just the right place for each ornament as my mom would be.

"The star is missing," I say, looking in vain through each of the already emptied boxes.

"Find Polaris first," he says. At my quizzical look, he says in a schoolteacher voice, "If you're having trouble locating a star, use Polaris as a reference point to the North Celestial Pole. You know, Polaris, the North Star? Don't you remember what you just taught me?"

"Whoa! Did you just make an astronomy joke??" (Be still my beating heart!!)

"I'm a fast learner," Yeong-soo says casually, but he can't hide his amazingly cute smug smile. We share a hearty laugh, but I'm still wracking my brain for where the star topper could be.

"Obviously, I mean the star topper," I say still chuckling, and then I explain. "For the tree. We always put it on last. It's like... the cherry on top of a sundae. It was my parents' absolute favorite thing. It's what means it's really the start of the Christmas holiday season. Did you see any other boxes in the closet where these were?"

"No, sorry. Do you need help looking?" Yeong-soo asks.

"No, I'll go see if I can find it. I'll be right back."

I rummage around the garage and do a quick check of the dark corners of some seldom-used cupboards, but no dice. Then I take a deep breath as I steel myself to go into my parents' old room and check there.

I'd been avoiding doing anything in my parents' room since they'd passed away, but my need to see the tree completed overrides my strong desire to stay away from it. I check my dad's closet first since he's the one who was the head tree decorator, but like him it's tidy and organized and it's easy to see that there isn't much in there, certainly nothing that looks remotely like a box of Christmas decorations.

I poke around my mom's closet next, but still nothing. Thoroughly puzzled, I check the drawers of the dressers in the room just in case...

And there it is. In the top drawer of my mom's dresser is a smallish white cardboard box, and I recognize it right away. I pull the box out and hold it in both of my hands a moment. I notice my hands are trembling and that my breathing has suddenly gone wobbly.

"Is that it?" Yeong-soo has come looking for me, and he stands hesitantly at the doorway looking in.

"Yes," I say shakily.

"Are you okay?"

He asks the question softly and I look up at him in a daze. Yeong-soo must have seen how unsettled I am because in a moment he's come in to stand next to me for some much-needed support and I give him a weak, grateful smile in thanks.

"I don't know why I'm getting so emotional," I say apologetically, my voice strangely thin in my ears.

"It's okay," he says, soothingly.

I nod and turn back to the box. I open the lid almost ceremoniously, and we both look down at the star with reverence. It's golden but not really ornate, and it seems beautiful to me in its classic, timeless simplicity. I lift the star out and hold it, and it feels heavier and more substantial than I remember it. I feel tears pricking my eyes, so before I start crying again I hurriedly set the star aside and check the rest of the box's contents.

But what I see makes the tears start flowing for real. Next to where the star was is a carved wooden ornmanent, and it's made up of three names in script with swirls connecting them together: "Joshua", "Abigail", and... "Caleb".

I turn to Yeong-soo with tears dripping down. "This is--" I try to explain in a strangled voice. "This is the ornament my dad carved the year I was born. My first Christmas."

Yeong-soo puts a comforting arm around my shoulders, and wiping my eyes I look down into the box again.

In utter disbelief I pull out a small stack of envelopes wrapped in a ribbon, envelopes that, impossibly, I think I recognize. They're greeting cards. Still not believing what I'm seeing, I slowly untie the ribbon and pull out the first card. The envelope has been opened, and it's a birthday card I'd sent to my mom. The last one before she'd died. I had kept sending them cards for every holiday even though they weren't speaking to me and I'd had no idea if they'd even bothered to read them. The next card is another birthday card, for my dad, that's also been read. And the next is an Easter card to the both of them. And on and on and on.

They'd gotten all of my cards. They'd read all of them. And they'd kept them. And not just anywhere. With one of their most cherished possessions, the Christmas tree star. When the realization finally hits me, the floodgates burst open, and I'm consumed by emotion. My entire body is wracked with convulsing sobs of, I don't know, sadness and happiness, relief and release I guess, and most of all, love for my parents. My parents hadn't abandoned me after all, not completely. At some level, they still cared about me. Not enough to go against their church, not enough to have a relationship with me, but enough to still remember me and think about me, and love me in the only way they felt they could.

Blind with tears I reach towards Yeong-soo instinctively, and he takes the stack of cards from my frozen hands and puts them away and then enfolds me in a tight embrace. His warmth and his solid frame are strong and comforting, and as we stand together he strokes my hair as I sob like a baby on his shoulder.

I'm lost on a sea of emotions, and I don't know how much time passes. But gradually my sobs die down and finally I'm all tapped out and I run out of tears. I feel limp and drained, and I'm so grateful that I have Yeong-soo to literally lean on. As I become aware of the fact we're hugging and that I've likely ruined what is probably a very expensive shirt, I raise my head a little off of his shoulder, still sniffling.

"Sorry," I say. Then feeling lonely and needy and sad I ask weakly into his neck, "Do you mind if we stay like this just a little longer?"

I can't see his face, but I can imagine Yeong-soo's look of understanding. "Of course. Take as long as you need. I'm here for you," he tells me.

With a sigh I lay my head back on Yeong-soo's shoulder and draw strength from his embrace. I try not to think of anything beyond that as my emotional batteries gradually recharge. I'm just appreciating how incredibly kind Yeong-soo is being to someone who is essentially a stranger.

Eventually I get to a point where I've recovered enough to be able to realize I'm enjoying Yeong-soo's embrace more on a more personal level than as a source of comfort, so I pull away reluctantly. In all honesty I would have loved to have stayed held in his arms all night.

"Thanks," I say exhausted, flopping down onto the edge of the bed. "I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been here."

"You would have managed," Yeong-soo says taking a seat next to me. "You're strong. You've gone through a lot. You've survived a lot."

"Maybe so. But I'm still a mess."

"You're fine," Yeong-soo says, giving me another heartmelting look that I can only describe as "tender" and one last pat on the arm.

I guess I look a little lost, because Yeong-soo offers up a suggestion.

"Ready to put the star on the tree?" he asks.

I nod wordlessly, and I stand up and grab hold of the precious box of cards and the wooden ornament, leaving Yeong-soo to pick up the star. He steers me out of my parents' room and back to the living room, and I carefully place the box of cards on the table there. Yeong-soo starts to pass the star to me, but feeling grateful for his presence I shake my head indicating that he should have the honor of doing it. He watches as I put my father's carved ornament in place near the top of the tree, and then, finally, Yeong-soo puts the star above the ornament, right at the very top.

We take a moment to stand back and admire the completed tree together, and then I collapse down onto the couch to stare at its white lights. Yeong-soo joins me, and we just sit in silence for a while, just looking at the tree, letting a calmness settle over us.

Feeling dead tired and sapped of strength I close my eyes and rest my head on my right arm on the back of the couch, just for a moment. I don't have to look at my watch to know it's gotten fantasticaly late. Even the thought of having to walk all the way to my bedroom and change my clothes to go to sleep seems impossible, and plus I'm still clinging to every last moment I can spend with Yeong-soo. I'd stay up all night if I could, but I can tell that my ability to stay awake is rapidly diminishing. Already I'm drifting off despite my best efforts.

"Beautiful," I think I hear Yeong-soo say, or maybe I've dozed off already? I half-open my eyes assuming he's talking about the Christmas tree, but when I do I can see he's looking straight at me, with a curious half-smile on his face and a strange glowing warmth in his eyes.

With a vague feeling of deja vu, I give up resisting and move my arm so that I can lean into Yeong-soo's left side and then I close my eyes again. Was it really only last night that Yeong-soo was falling asleep on my shoulder? I wonder to myself sleepily. Yeong-soo seems to hesitate for a moment, but then I feel him putting his arm around me and pulling me closer to him. Feeling warm and safe and cared for I let myself drift off, up into the clear and peaceful starry night sky, the stars twinkling like the lights on a Christmas tree.

***

During the night I surface from sleep several times. A few times are barely conscious feelings of warmth and comfort, moving closer to Yeong-soo, wrapping my arm around his front and feeling his left arm squeezing me even closer, or his right hand reaching out to cover mine. I surface momentarily when I feel Rosie and Sonia joining us, and again when I notice that Yeong-soo has taken one of the throw blankets that had been lying on the couch and placed it over the both of us. Another time I dimly notice that Yeong-soo's head is resting lightly on mine. And then there's one time when I notice my head has migrated from Yeong-soo's shoulder to closer to his face, my lips almost resting against his cheek. In my almost-asleep state I almost lean forward to plant a kiss on that beautifully smooth cheek, but even with all my defenses down I know deep down that that's a bad idea and I manage to resist and fall back asleep without ruining everything.

Warm. Safe. Cared for. With Yeong-soo...

***

My body wakes up at the usual time, and my mind wakes to the full realization that I've slept on Yeong-soo's shoulder for hours. He's fast asleep and breathing lightly, and his arm is still wrapped around me. For the first time since I've come back to the farm I think, I don't get up to do the daily chores. They can wait for a little while. I just close my eyes again and enjoy the warmth and closeness of Yeong-soo and let myself fall back to sleep, just this once. Together with him, just for a little longer, just a few more precious moments...

***

It's the sound of a vehicle driving up the gravel driveway and stopping in front of the house that jerks me awake for good. My brain is still mostly asleep and slow to put thoughts together, but I remember that Yeong-soo is leaving today and the thought that I'd been trying to avoid is no longer avoidable and it fills me with an immediate sense of dread.

Yeong-soo stirs next to me, and in my conscious state I suddenly realize that I have in fact been asleep on his shoulder, so I quickly move myself away from him and out from the warmth of the blanket we had been sharing, the daylight bringing a return to rationality. The fire in the fireplace has died out and I feel cold, and just in the few seconds it takes me to fully awaken I can hear that the vehicle has stopped, its door slams, and then there's the sound of a few steps coming up the front walkway. And then, a very decisive knock on the door.

By this time Yeong-soo has also awoken, and the look of surprise on his face must be the same as on my own.

"Who is it? Do you know?" he asks me, and if I weren't feeling so anxious I would have stopped to fully admire how amazing Yeong-soo looks just after waking up, with his slightly rumpled hair and sleepy eyes.

"I don't know," I tell him as I get up and hurriedly go to the door. "Aaron's mom, maybe? But I doubt it, this early..."

I open the door, and there in front of me is a petite, intense-looking young woman wearing glasses who I've never seen before.

"Hello, I'm Gabriella Domingo. I'm looking for Mr. Kim? I believe this is the location where he said he would be staying."

I look dumbly at the hand she has stretched out in front of me, and then reach out slowly to shake it as I try to remember my manners.

"Hi," I say hoarsely and then clear my throat and try again. "Hi, I'm Caleb. Caleb Davies. Yes, here's here. Please come in."