My New Personal Assistant

Chapter 6 - The turmoil after

"What the fuck did I just do?!"

I heard my voice in the empty room. In the clear light, I saw a pile of my clothes just a few feet away from me. Outside was dark, and I could see my reflection in the full-length window. I looked at it. Shocked, confused, and ashamed.

Yes, I vividly remember how hot that was, how aroused I've been the whole time and how hard I came. But this wasn't anything I thought I could ever do!

"What the fuck did we just do?!"

I slowly touched my chest, and the hair on it was sticky. The cum had started to dry. I felt Thomas's load on my chin and saw drops of it on the lenses of my glasses. As I was getting back to myself, I started to panic. If anyone came here now, I would seriously cry. I breathed through it and sat down.

Am I gay? Bi? Have I ever been attracted to any guy before? I was so consumed with my lust for women that being with men never even appeared on my radar. Sure, I had my fun being hit on by a few guys. Nowadays, it is hard not to be when you socialize and take care of yourself, but it was never anything on the nose, and never have I ever considered it. Fuck, I have been with so many women that I wouldn't even have time to think about guys. Have I always been bi? Am I fucking bi?

But the turmoil in my head wasn't only from the possibility of me being some other sexual orientation as I thought. I was pretty open and never cared much. What messed me up most was the way we did it!

He never touched my dick! I don't find myself to be petty, but this time I cared because it created fucked up precedence, one I wasn't comfortable with! The thought that was bugging me the worst was that I felt emasculated! He treated me like a fucking whore he picked up on the street and even prided himself to be a gentleman with her.

AND I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!

Why the fuck was it turning me on so much?! I don't care about labels, I could make my peace with being bi, but I can't make my peace with being the woman in bed!

I grew angry with myself, ashamed, and dirty. The worst feeling was knowing I loved it the whole time!

He even called my hole... a fucking pussy!

I sat there naked in my office, feeling sorry for myself and making Thomas the villain. I needed him to be the bad guy! Otherwise, I would need to admit I was the one crawling to him. I was the one begging him to let me suck his dick. Fuck! I wanted to suck his dick so bad!

"What the fuck have I done?!"

I heard my voice as I put my face into my palms and instantly regretted it as I now smeared the cum all over. Fuck!

How the hell am I supposed to clean myself now?

He did good that he left. I don't know how I would react if he were here now. I felt pressure in my throat, and my eyes started slowly to water. I don't know why I just felt so small and insignificant. What do I want?

I raised myself and found a bottle of water. I took some kleenex I had in the drawer and wiped my face, then used a bunch of them to wipe my chest. Finally, I opened the bottle and drank it in deep perplexed silence.

Still naked, I looked at my body in the window reflection, watching the tiny flickering lights below. I need to start going to the gym in the mornings. I was not too fond of the gym. I was more for natural movement and flexibility. I was always bulkier and had a broad chest, but I could use something on my abs. I want them chiseled. I looked at and liked my legs, loved the wide muscles and round glutes.

I shook my head. One minute I cry about being nearly fucked, and the next, I think about how I look. What the fuck is going on with me? Is this the middle-age crisis? Fuck, I need to get a grip!

I felt a bit calmer now. Still extremely bewildered but calmer. It was indeed my idea. Why have I done that?

I can't blame him that much. Not for not stopping me. I was still grumpy about him treating me like a woman, though...

I took my glasses off, looking at the blobs of his cum on them. I had this strange need to lick it. Fuck it!

I run my tongue on them, scooping the drops of his load and eating them, enjoying the salty stickiness. Fuck me. I loved it!

Would I? I thought as I gathered my clothes and started dressing. Would I let him fuck my ass? I could tell myself anything to make myself feel better, but I knew. I knew I would. Why did he stop?

I replayed his words as I put on the shirt.

-"Fuck, it's so hard not to fuck that face of yours. I would plow that mouth hard if you weren't a virgin!"-

Why did I love the feeling of helplessness so much when I was gasping for air with his dick in my throat? What would he do if I was gay?

I put cufflinks on and remembered his sadistic face telling me -"Take it slut!"-. My cock jerked, and I felt the surge of lust in me. I loved it, did I...

-"Fuck, Matt, you are making me crazy. I am seriously holding back with everything I have in me. Don't push me. You are not ready, trust me!"-

What did he mean by that? His face was horny but deadly serious. What is he usually like? I felt my cock grow again as I zipped up my pants.

-"If I would fuck you now, you wouldn't be able to sit tomorrow."-

Fuck! How hot that sentence made me. How hard is it making me now remember it? Now I felt hurt that he didn't take me in the end. Did he think I wouldn't be able to take it? I am a fucking man. I could take it, damn it! Was I not looking strong enough for his dick? With an angry flip, I got my jacket on, slammed down my laptop, and turned off my computer.

I put on my shoes, tugging on my dick as I sat. The way he looked when he fingered me! The way it fucking felt when he fingered me, damn it!!

Like some slut! Fuck, who does he think he is?! Treating me like a woman. I am fucking man, his boss, damn it!

I could take him down and rip him like paper. Does he think I am a woman? Does he think I couldn't take his dick? Who the fuck does he think I am?

My ego, with pride, waged war in my head, and I was torn between all the feelings that ran through me!

"What the fuck did you do, Thomas?!"

I took my glasses, and I was about to put them in their case.

-"Fuck, I wanted my jizz on those glasses of yours since I saw them on you the first time!"-

Damn. Those glasses will always remind me of that!

I closed the case in deep frustration and threw them on the table.

"Fucking hell, what now?" I asked the empty room as I took my keys and left.

Ride home was the same windmill blowing inside my head, spinning all my thoughts and running them in my mind with memories of that... how to call it anyway? Hook up?

Still, I was sure about one thing. I am a fucking man! My ego screamed at me. I couldn't shake that feeling of emasculation that was within me.

I need to fuck now!

I stepped on it and gripped the wheel. This fucking hook-up messed me up well.

I pulled on the breaks and nearly drifted into my driveway. Damn, I miss those days. I got out of the car and went to the house. Where the fuck is Natasha?

I saw the light from beneath the bathroom door. I barged in, and Natasha screamed.

"What are you doing? You scared me!"

I stared at her and started taking off my clothes. I am a fucking man! I will show you!

"Get out, Mattew. I am still mad at you." She was sitting in a bubble bath with a glass of wine.

"Shut up, woman, I am sick of this. Tell me now if you want me to leave, but don't wait for me then because I will be out of those doors and fuck the first woman out there in some bar."

"You wouldn't do that!"

"Do you seriously want to test that theory now?"

She knew. She knew I am with her, and I stood her crap because I didn't care to look elsewhere. She knew from the start I had different priorities than relationships, and she knew that she was here for this. So I don't care how cold it sounds, I wanted it like that, I had it like that, and I could afford to have it like that.

"Look, woman, I will not rape you, but I will not stand this ridiculous strike of yours anymore. Is that fucking clear?"

"Did you just swear on me?"

"Did you just hear me?"

I stood there pumped, naked, and hard as a rock. I was hard since I drove home. Fuck, I was hard since I started to dress in the office!

She looked intimidated. Yes, I could see she was aroused and trembling.

"Make up your mind now!"

She looked at me up and down, and I could see she wanted me, fuck yes! She stood up and reached for the showerhead.

"Stop. I am going in. I reek."

She just looked at me and sat down. I joined her in that over-perfumed water I so despised and was happy I found her like that, realizing I may really reek from the loads we shot on me.

I took her glass of wine and downed it. She watched as I pulled her to me and roughly dove onto her lips.

I pulled on her hair and made her sit on my lap. Her smooth legs wrapped around me, welcoming me. She took my cock in her hand and started to jack me slowly. I traveled down her neck and couldn't help but run my fingers on it. It was so sleek and tender. When I compared it to Thomas's solid muscular veiny neck, I couldn't help but ponder. I liked them both but in different ways.

She started to soap my shoulders and chest while, with circular movements, teased my dick with her pussy. Damn, I wanted to be in her. I licked her collarbone and trailed it with my lips. It was nice. But not what I wanted. This hot, fragrant water was calming me down, and now I needed something else.

I kissed her roughly and stood up, making her fall into the water and splash.

"What's the matter?" She frowned.

I turned on the shower and cleaned myself.

"Get out of there. I want to fuck you, not bathe with you."

She looked at me, stunned. I never swore much in front of her if I wasn't outraged. Now I kept doing it in the middle of each sentence. She knew something was up and probably couldn't put her finger on it.

"Get out now." The tone of my voice made her jolt, but at the same time, she parted her lips in a moan. You like it, bitch, do you?

Without a single protest, she stood up in all her glory and washed her body, stepping out.

Her shiny dark brown hair was a dump, her deep brown eyes were foggy and nearly black, and her smooth tight skin had goosebumps all over.

I reached for her small nipple at the center of her cute, firm breast and pulled her closer by it.

She hissed slightly and came closer. I took the back of her head and, still pulling on that nipple, brought her lips to mine.

"Mattew."

"Hush, girl." I covered her lips with mine and, with a second hand, raised her knee on my waist. Then I let go of her nipple and reached to her spread butt with my hand feeling the heat between her cheeks.

She moaned, and I was hard as a rock. Damn. I need to fuck her now. I stepped back and bent to take her. I yanked her up and set her over my shoulder. With a light slap, I carried her like this out to the bedroom.

"Mattew!" She let out a cry for help. I replied simply with another light slap and threw her on the bed.

Natasha never saw my face like this. Of course, I have been angry many times, and we had some angry revenge sex, but this time I felt something else, and from how she looked at me, she felt the difference.

I kneeled to her and took the side of her neck in my hand, kissing it and ravaging it, realizing I couldn't use the same strength I could use with Thomas. With him, it was primal and heavy and rough. With Natasha, I feared I would hurt her. I came here intending to fuck her brains out like a brute but realized it didn't feel right. Yet the need and tension I felt haven't eased. I realized I was forcing myself to be here for most of it.

It was not that I was suddenly uninterested in women. Not in the least. I loved the sight of her pussy and hard nipples beneath me. It was Natasha in particular. Have I been fed up with her after all those years? What is happening?

"Come back to me, Mattew."

I looked at her and smiled. I suddenly remembered times when she was telling me those words with the care I knew only from her. Times when I believed she cared for me as a person, not as a sugar daddy.

"Did you have a hard day at work?"

"In a way."

"I am sorry. I was bitch to you these past days, was I."

"I don't think that's the issue here."

"Sure, but it probably didn't help."

She sat on her knees and brushed my hair from my forehead. I loved her touch. Yet, I knew that I now wanted something different than she could offer me.

Still, I returned her kiss when she straddled my hips and kissed my lips, embracing me. Were we done, and I just refused to see it?

I ran my hands down her body and let her kiss me until she pulled away. I then lay her on our pillows and cupped her breast, my thumb playing with her nipple. I didn't feel like ravishing her now. Instead, I felt I had this responsibility to act like I wanted to have sex with her now that I had already started.

Her body still turned me on, but the heat was missing, and I wish I didn't know why. But I did. If I wouldn't have had that experience with Thomas tonight, I would still be enjoying everything she is now offering me. But now, after I knew what I had been missing, I just couldn't unsee it.

But still. Is it worth it to turn my life around for that? She was by my side when everything was terrible and gloomy. She was here when I slept in my office and projects were falling apart. When we thought we would go bankrupt. She was there to bring me meals and cheer me up, saying she knew I could achieve great things and that she was there for me.

I always thought of her as an accessory, watching her spend my money and chat with friends while I worked. Tease me and kick me out of bed. Yet, I forgot that she was the one who withstood all my moods and long hours. She just learned to deal with it so that she had something from it.

I cherished her back then, but then we grew as a company, and everything changed. For the last two years, I didn't see her as anything other than a gold digger. She stopped working and changed a lot too.

Was it because she was shallow or because she was living with a man who didn't feel any remorse when saying he loved his company more than any other person?

I suppose I started to treat her like a gold digger when she quit work. But wasn't it me who offered her the money? Was I blaming her for not being the proud woman who would say, "No, I can take care of myself!"? And then, when I started to treat her like my cat waiting for me at home, who is to blame that she began behaving like one?

In the end, I was the one who destroyed us and made us these strangers living together as part of a "more pragmatic" deal.

But what now? I created this illusion of wealth for her, this golden cage. I taught her to love it or at least feel like it was her own.

Now not only did I blame her for it, but I also grew tired of her...

Damn! Maybe my exes were smart enough to leave me. What kind of person am I?

I realized I had been in this position for a long time. I was just laying there, watching her nipple, stuck in my thoughts. She was there for me, patiently waiting, with a gentle look on her face. When was the last time we had been close like this? The first year? Was it really the only year I really appreciated her? What now?

I looked into her eyes, and we had just been there. Nothing more, just looking at one at another. I think she had some idea, she must have known I was dealing with some turmoil in my head, but after a very long time, I could see all those small caring gestures, patient waiting, and sweet nudging that made me carry on with my days. And I was oblivious to it. I was taking it for granted. Even worse. I viewed it as her duty I paid for!

Now, when I recognized I didn't want her anymore, I realized all that. What the fuck is happening tonight with my life?