My New Personal Assistant

My New Personal Assistant: Chapter 31 - Tell me about your friends

*Thomas*

I saw his disappointment when I asked him to go to the washroom. But I needed that space. I needed much more space than those few minutes would grant me. I was past confused.

I thought about how I tried to run from him time after time, and he just kept coming back. And what was worse, I kept wanting him to. I welcomed him back every time. This was not even stupidity like when I was with Derek. This is a whole other level of self-sabotage.

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I could see that he wanted only one thing from me. Release in hard rough fuck... It was cathartic for him, and he didn't think he could find it elsewhere. And I believe that was what he called love... but that was not enough for me.

It could be, have I been ten years younger. I would gladly enjoy this madness until it would naturally end. But I knew I couldn't stand more heartbreaks. I was fighting with everything in me not to become a monster, and with each betrayal, I was falling deeper into that hole.

I understood that what he was trying to build was toxic fuck-buddies and slapping the word love to it. I genuinely believed he loved what we did, but he didn't know anything about me, other than how I fuck him, to be able to really support that claim.

We never talked about anything other than work or sex.

But I suppose I don't know anything about him either... So why do I then genuinely believe that I love him? This was so frustrating I couldn't stand it.

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I managed to stand and picked up a candle. I watched it momentarily before licking my fingers and killing the flame.

How would the future look like if we were together? He would come here, for I don't know how many months or years? Then he would find some other wife material and either break up with me or, worse, try to juggle both of us. That only if there would be only two of us...

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I knew myself enough to know I wouldn't be looking for another person. I just don't work that way... so what? I would be fucking him for I don't know how long till we would finally burn out, and then I would look for another partner in my forties? Could Dora even carry a child that late for me? No! I forbade myself from thinking about this after Owen.

Or we could get into a worse scenario, and this would be something real. And I would spend the rest of my life sharing him with some woman who would raise his children, and I would be waiting here for him to punish him for it until we grow old? I shook my head, thinking about this with utter desperation.

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I put the last candle down and walked to the music room. I sat at the piano, my fingers dancing to its soft melody.

There is no future in me loving this man. But I cannot seem to be able to do anything about it. How did I even get here?!

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I found him attractive and loved how he carried himself at work. I admired how he treated his colleagues and the people on his team. I loved that he was quirky and didn't have a filter sometimes. I remember gazing at him for hours when he wore those glasses and was immersed in his work. I liked him long before he knelt before me that night. But the way he could make me feel was something I had never experienced, and it was fulfilling me with such intensity that it was scary, especially considering the circumstances.

Did he break up with Natasha because of me? Or was I just the nudge that he needed anyway?

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I heard him open the bathroom door and come over. By the sound, I suppose, he sat on the couch.

"I don't know if I was ever this scared, Matt." I couldn't bear to look at him yet.

"Why are you scared, Thomas?" his voice was so gentle and smooth. I loved the sound of it.

"I can't really explain it," I whispered. I didn't think I could say anything more than what he already knew. I believe I was open and honest about pretty much everything regarding my feelings for him.

Matt took that guitar and again matched my soft melody. I hated how much I loved it... The last person I ever shared my music with was Peter, and after he spent a year dating Hugh and me at the same time, I was so heartbroken that I couldn't bear to look at violin ever since. I suppose it gave me a reason to learn guitar, but I never got over that fear of a person destroying another instrument for me like that... and now this man took the guitar. I already parted with it in my mind.

We spent a while there like that. We didn't speak.

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"Is it because of Owen?"

I looked at him, confused. What does he have to do with us? I can't stand the thought of that person, especially after Matt told me how he explained to him that night with Sam.

"No. I wouldn't want to be with him. I believe I hate him at this point more than I loved him back then. Owen doesn't play a crucial role in my life anymore, Matt."

"What I meant by that is whether you are afraid to try this with me because you think you cannot trust me, and you're afraid that I will deceive you as he did?"

"Why are you asking that?" I still haven't turned to him.

"Did every person you loved cheat on you somehow?"

I looked at him calmly. "No."

"What happened with those that didn't?"

I shrugged. "Things people break up for. I broke up with two because I didn't want to be a secret, and they were bi-curious. But I don't know if I should call those relationships. We were young and pretty much exploring our sexuality. Those I did perceive as one ended variously... One moved away, and with the other, Sean, something happened that tore us apart. You know Peter and Owen, who have cheated."

"So I am just a collection of everything you despise? I am straight. You are my secret. I was engaged to a woman I cheated on with different women for over two years. Not to mention you."

Two years of cheating... I suppose that explains why one needs to buy a place for that... excellent pick, Thomas. Just great... I mocked myself like that would change a single thing. But, I knew it wouldn't...

"Yes, not to mention you are trouble," I turned back to the piano.

"You love that I am trouble."

I grinned. "You're spending too much time with Ross."

"Maybe, but maybe I will be able to take you down after a while."

I just chuckled, "What a healthy relationship goal."

"Are we in a relationship?" Matt's fingers slowed down on the strings just slightly.

"I have no idea what we are, Matt."

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"Why do we need to label it? Do you need to label everything?"

"It helps me understand the world around me. It helps me feel less like a monster."

I stopped playing. He noticed that and stopped, also.

"Why should you be a monster, Thomas?"

"I know that I could be."

"Because you are a sadist?"

"I am sadist because I try to conceal the part of me that could be cruel and dangerous and find ways to have a release in a less harmful manner."

"Thomas, I perceived myself as a monster for many years, and I never cared about my victims as you do."

"I'm an adult now, Matt. You were a teenager back then. You don't know me."

I started playing again. I never thought of speaking like this while playing before. It soothed me to such a point that I felt like I could tell him everything... it was special but, at the same time, again, scary.

"And I didn't have a trauma that built me into an aggressive person as you did. Everyone with your upbringing would have trouble with themselves. I don't have such an excuse. I was born this way. I am not someone I would absolutely despise because I have an amazing family, and one wonderful girl was always there for me."

"Dora?"

I nodded.

"Man, I would be dead if I didn't have four guys having my back my whole life."

"Brandon?"

Matt started playing again. I loved how those soft tones relaxed me and how he could just match my rhythm without notes.

"Yeah, especially him. By the way, he loves you!"

"He doesn't know me either, but I like him also," I smiled at the keys.

"And I love Dora to bits."

"She loves you too."

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"We never talked, Thomas. I realized that I don't know so much about you."

"I suppose we did, but always about work or sex," I said what I had been thinking before. I turned to look at him. He smiled.

"We talked about our opinions. I know that because I could not have such conversations with many people. I love how you view the world and appreciate how you can voice disagreement."

Prick... you are just making me dive for you deeper... I haven't even thought about those car rides until now. I remember that I really enjoyed them to the point of having my car in my garage the whole time, even though it was fixed, just to be able to discuss the world around us with him. Listen to him and laugh with him for those twenty to thirty minutes daily.

I gave up. I knew I would not be able to make him go away... There was no chance, and I didn't even want that anymore now.

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I hugged my chest and turned to look at him with a smile. "Tell me about your friends." I want to know more about you...

Matt grinned and started playing at an upbeat tempo. I just turned to him with my whole body and smiled wider. I really liked the way he was glowing now. He seemed relaxed and happy. As if deciding just to be carefree and let the dice roll... I wish I could be so carefree myself.

"When I was twelve, this little guy with glasses was jumping over a fence, and I laughed at him. He didn't get mad. He just grinned and told me to do it better. We spent the whole day like that and the next day and so on. His parents were cool people, and I spent a lot of time there. About a year later, his little brother was born. Since then, Brandon has spent much time at home with his family. We still kept in touch, but for like two years, I saw him very little, and he was always in a bad mood. With everything going on at my place, I just didn't feel like bothering him and started hanging out more with John and a few other guys that were free running."

"Dawson?"

"Yeah, our co-founder. He was great, but I still missed Brandon, and once I went over, I heard shouting. Bran went out with Liam and went for a walk while his parents fought. When he saw me, I was worried that he would get mad. I know I would probably be a dick if someone showed up at my house when Dad was in his mood. But Brandon seemed actually happy to see me, and I joined them."

Matt adjusted the guitar as if thinking about it.

"Long story short, he was the first person I ever told about Dad, and he told me about his parents. They were both nice, loving, and everything, but they struggled. Two kids, two jobs. They tried to be the best parents but, along the way, just struggled to be good partners. They got divorced, and Brandon was taking it badly, of course. He missed his dad, whom he saw now only over the weekends, and tried his hardest not to blame his mom, so he was venting out on adrenaline rush."

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Matt took a deep breath and exhaled as his play slowed down. "Soon after, my mom got that stroke, and I spent my time in school, taking care of her, and running with guys. I couldn't stand being at home when Dad was there. I worried I would kill him if I were at home with him. I seriously thought about it. Especially since he did one-eighty that day at the hospital and stopped boxing completely."

I watched his features calmly, feeling so sorry for this man. I had never experienced anything like that. I tried to comprehend that, but all I could feel was sadness, anger, and great respect seeing him before me, knowing how much he'd grown despite all that.

"I hated and blamed him, but I was not strong enough to fight him. I believe he felt guilty and became this sad, caring husband. Everyone was saying what a great guy he was, and that hypocrisy of everything was just making me livid."

He looked at me and calmed himself. He tried to smile. I smiled at him, trying to give him support.

"Brandon understood that, and we shared our rage. We were skating and free running mostly at that time. John liked to hang out with us; he was always fun to be around, and he had this amazing talent to make us laugh even when we were furious." he smiled a bit wider.

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"In that time, we were about fifteen going on sixteen, and this posh-looking kid kept coming to our spot and watching us. John came to him once and asked if he wanted to join us. Nate." Matt played a unique tone while giving me a gentle smile. I smiled back again and let my arms fall to my knees.

"He was really bad at first, but damn, that kid was driven! Actually, he was the one who taught the three of us to persist and grow. I suppose if Nate had never come to that park, I would probably still be living in that city, doing some manual work and hating my life. Who knows, maybe I would be happy in some way, but for sure, I wouldn't be this successful."

"Why do you think so?"

Matt grinned. "Nate came with his best friend one day. Man, you should meet Daniel! I think you two would speak the same language. He is strict but kind and is this proper guy with an edge. Not to mention he is dark-haired and bulky and started growing a beard a few months back." Matt winked at me, and I couldn't decide whether to chuckle or frown. The way he said it was really amusing. I don't care that much, though, about how people look.

"But Nate and Daniel were both from affluent families. I suppose they shouldn't even be able to go to our part of town, but they craved something more. Nate definitely did. And Daniel would always be there for him."

"We started hanging out more and more, and after some time, ... well after Michelle, to be precise... we slowly started to share things we were dealing with. John kept making up these games, and soon we all started as well."

"What kind of games?"

Matt grinned. "All sorts... From downright stupid to life-preserving... it mainly opened us up between each other. We were able to share things that bothered us this way, and since only four people knew each of us this well, we became inseparable."

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Matt knock on the guitar before playing another soft beat.

"This was the reason I even went to college. Nate and Daniel were going for sure, but the rest of us had no means for that nor the opportunity. But those two refused to split the group! By then, we were starting the last year, so we already gave up the idea. But Nate and Dan drilled our nights and days until our grades were excellent so we could get accepted to some no-name colleges and get scholarships. We all applied to the same ones and went to the one that took all of us." Matt put his hand into his palm and laughed before he shook his head and continued.

"But that was a huge issue for their families. For one, neither of their parents knew about the three of us, and both families had pre-planned futures for them. So, random no-name college was not an option for their precious heirs. But it not like there was a chance for me to go to Harvard." Matt laughed. "We, of course, applied, though." He chuckled and shook his head again.

I wanted to ask who paid for that, but I suppose Nate or Daniel. In the end, it was not worth interrupting him. This sounded like such a beautiful friendship. I listened in awe.

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"Nate practically ran away from home, and Daniel's parents gave up after some time. I think, mainly after they saw how seriously Nate meant it. I don't know all the details, but they pretty much threw away huge life-changing opportunities for us three peasants. And they never-ever threw it in our faces. Never!"

"But they were relentless about keeping our grades in check. Since we were on scholarship, we had no choice but to excel, and Daniel nor Nate would ever let any of us slip." Matt sighed and slowed down his tune. As if remembering.

"But we needed release from all that stress. So, we kept pushing ourselves constantly. We never had enough, and no idea wasn't worth trying at least once. Thankfully, we were athletes, so we were more into movement than drugs. Plus, Nate couldn't stand them well, and since he wasn't doing them much, we weren't either. But we were in fights like two or three times a week at some point," Matt stopped, and I saw his face slowly crumble. Then he exhaled and smirked at me as if he just wanted to turn the page.

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"When Nate ran away from home, we were eighteen, and Nate and Daniel rented a small house near our college, so we had the perfect place for our passions, and we used to sit on the carpet and just create little schemes and projects as a part of the fun. We could monetize much of that even during college, thanks to Nate, who was seriously a genius in things like this. I think he could have been anything he wanted if..."

I saw something shift. I didn't understand what was happening, but Matt's face looked like he was fighting tears at one point. I looked gently at him, and he just smiled.

.

He forcefully played a few fast, nearly jovial accords and smiled. "That's when we started building this company. It actually started with all of them, but when we were in our twenties, something bad happened, and Nate didn't want to go into that. Brandon and Daniel wanted to start their own things. So we once sat down and talked about it. We agreed that we would always be friends and that we didn't need to be attached in everything. So only me and John went into this one. Nate is now project manager as that is the least ambitious thing he can do with his skills and drive, I think," he laughed at his own joke. "Daniel has his own company, and Brandon just sold his fourth. We still see each other once or twice a month at least, and I would die for any of them within a heartbeat."

Matt played the last theatrical accords and finished the spoken song about his best friends with a grin.

I smiled.

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"That is beautiful."

"Sure, I told you mainly the nice parts of it."

"What are those ugly ones?"

Matt sighed but then just smiled at me. "What about your song?"

I chuckled, "My song?"

He laid down the guitar and looked at me meaningfully.

"For real?"

"Yeah."

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I chuckled. "You really like playing games, do you, Matt."

"You do too, Tommy."

"I don't like when people call me Tommy."

"Why is it not strict and proper enough?" Matt said In a deep, mocking voice. I just chuckled again.

"Fine."

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I turned to the piano.

"Only my mother and Dora call me Tommy."

I played for a moment without speaking, collecting my thoughts. Matt raised his leg on the couch and leaned against the backrest. I could see that he kept gazing at me. He watched my arms and fingers dancing over the keys.

"Friendships?" I looked at him.

"Sure, you can start with anything."

"Okay." The song got a bit upbeat.

"I suppose people find the best long-lasting friendships when they are young. Kids can be cruel, but they are at the same time most open-minded before we drill in them our fears and prejudices."

I looked at the blue ceiling that Dora had painted. "And then there are those people who can keep that open mind throughout life," I smirked.

"When I was growing up, I was always fascinated by people. How they feel things and why. I was fascinated by pain as it was something that could make the calmest person cringe. I wasn't harming anyone on purpose just to watch them suffer; I was taught compassion from an early age, and I genuinely cared for the well-being of others. However, when I saw them cry, it felt fascinating to me."

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"Dora lived just next door to us, and we often played together ever since we were little. She was the first to point out what I was feeling, and she didn't judge me for it. She said that as long as I am not harming anyone, I am a good person."

"I had many friends, but I was more of an introvert. I could have fun with many people, but only Dora really knew me. But then life went on, and I met Lee and Noah. We were wrestling together and later started with MMA together. So I think these are the three people I would call my friends."