No Other Life Than This

It had been gray and drizzling the entire week, the kind of weather that drove Benny up the fucking wall, and by Saturday afternoon he had a severe case of cabin fever and went out running regardless of the rain. At first the run felt rough, his limbs and breathing uncoordinated, but by the time he'd reached the Reservoir loop, he'd smoothed into a fluid rhythm. He started pacing himself off a runner in long tights and a hooded windbreaker about 200 feet ahead of him, figuring that if they both maintained a steady speed, he'd catch up with him half way around the loop.

The man reached up and pushed his hood down, and Benny saw the titian mop and realized it was Matt. He briefly debated slowing down and dropping back, getting off the loop before Matt saw him. In the end he sped up. It had been close to a month since he'd last seen Matt and they hadn't spoken in the interim. Thanksgiving was that coming Thursday, and Benny suddenly wondered how Matt was spending it; Roger and Carrie had left on their deferred honeymoon and wouldn't be back until the first week of December.

"Hey, Matt."

Matt didn't respond, and Benny realized he had on earphones, so he covered the final three steps between them and repeated the greeting, touching Matt lightly on the upper arm. Matt almost stumbled, then regained his stride.

"Hey," he said, with a friendly smile, pulling one of the ear buds out.

"I'm sorry I startled you."

"No problem."

"How've you been?"

"Okay. Busy."

"Yeah, me too."

It wasn't exactly a lie, though there were also too many hours when he'd done nothing but stare blankly at a wall or at the ceiling. He'd never felt lonely before, and it wasn't really loneliness he was feeling now, he didn't think. It was just that after his talk with Roger he'd become aware of certain empty spaces in his life, of moments when he reached out for something he thought was there, only to find that it wasn't.

"Going to your parents for Thanksgiving?"

"No. I'm working Thursday and Friday and I'm on call the rest of the weekend, so I need to stay here. What about you? Any plans?"

"Not really. I'll be around." Benny's parents were now living in Palm Beach, and there were only so many visits he could stand. He especially avoided seeing them on holidays or any other supposedly festive occasion, when the combined weight of his father's disapproval and his mother's worry were at their worst.

They split in order to run on either side of a deeper puddle, then veered back towards each other.

"Would you like to come over for dinner on Thursday?" Benny asked a little diffidently. "If you have time, that is."

"That sounds nice, Benjamin. Thank you. I'm off at five, so I could make it after that, if it's not too late."

"No, that's fine. Turkey okay?"

"Perfect," Matt grinned. "Absolutely perfect."

They ran in companionable silence for a while, dodging puddles and slower runners.

"Are you doing anything this afternoon?" Matt asked suddenly.

"I'm meeting friends for dinner in a couple of hours."

"Oh. Okay."

"Do you want to come along?" Benny invited impulsively. "We're just going down to this place in Chinatown."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. It's just some old buddies of mine. We'll probably bore you to death, but the food is worth it."

*******************

Benny used to see a lot more of Henry and Jon and Jake and Michael back when he'd also been half of a couple. The six of them had been practically inseparable, dropping by each other's apartments, scheduling vacations and weekend trips together. After Phil's death they'd slowly drifted apart; not only Benny, who had become the proverbial fifth wheel, but the other two couples, as well, as if it had been Phil who'd kept them all together. Which was strange, because Henry, Jon and Michael had been Benny's friends originally; if Henry and Jon hadn't suggested Fire Island that Memorial Day weekend, Benny and Phil would have never met.

Benny hadn't even thought about how the other four might react to his bringing somebody with him for the first time after seven years. Not that they'd expected him to remain single, in fact the first years, and after what they'd considered was a sufficient and respectable period of mourning, they'd done their best to find someone for him. Still, Benny saw how they looked at each other as he made the introductions, how Michael cocked his head, pursed his lips and openly studied Matt, while Henry was motioning for the waiter to bring another chair. He wished he'd come alone, like the previous years. Actually, no, he didn't. He wished he hadn't come here at all, and that Matt and he had gone for pizza.

Matt didn't seem to notice anything amiss or awkward; he sat next to Benny, looking completely at ease, as if he'd been hanging out with the guys for years. Before long he was joking with Jon about the Knicks, and spinning the Lazy Susan every time Henry tried to reach for something on it, though to be fair, Henry had started that game.

"So, how long has this been going on, Benjamin?" Michael murmured leaning against Benny, his lips almost touching Benny's ear.

"There's nothing going on. Matt is Roger's brother-in-law and he just moved here."

"If you say so," Michael said. "He's adorable."

"Puppies and babies are adorable, Michael. Hulking 6'6" forty-year old men, not so much."

"Oh, piffle. Look at that sweet smile. Adorable, I tell you!"

Benny ignored him.

"Why are you glowering?" Matt asked him from his other side, as he leaned over and snatched the last prawn dumpling from right under Benny's chopsticks, so Benny ignored him, too.

"Does anybody feel like going to The Monster?" Jon asked once dinner was finally over and Benny was already mentally on the subway headed uptown. Matt looked intrigued.

"Oh, God, everybody's so old there," Michael moaned.

"As opposed to you, my spring chicken," Jake mocked. "Michael and I are in."

"Benny? Matt?"

Benny opened his mouth to refuse, but Matt beat him to it.

"Yeah, we're in."

He looked so happy that Benny didn't have the heart to make his objections known. The other four were already splitting back into their usual sets of two; Benny didn't want Matt to feel left out or awkward.

When they reached the club, Matt didn't go in right away.

"You go on ahead. I just want to smoke a cigarette," he told them, but Benny hung back, as well.

"Seriously, you don't need to keep me company. It's cold out here."

Benny suddenly felt a surge of affection for Matt, for how simple he made things, for how easily he got along with Benny's friends, for his freckles and wide smile and floppy hair, and for how he didn't seem to realize that his scarf was hideous. He stood in front of Matt and slid his hand half-way around Matt's waist, holding him lightly and smiling up at him.

"What?" Matt asked.

"Nothing. I hope you're having a good time."

"I am. Why? Are we on a date, Benjamin?"

Every so often there was a teasing curl to Matt's voice when he called Benny Benjamin, an almost imperceptible emphasis of the first syllable.

"Maybe," Benny hedged.

"Does that mean that you'll take me home and fuck me afterwards?"

"Unless you have a three-date rule."

Matt grinned. "Haven't you been counting, Benjamin? This is our third date. Besides, I already put out on the first one."

Benny took a step closer, plastering himself against Matt, and bumped him gently with his hips. "Do you really want to go inside? Maybe we can come back another time?"

"Okay," Matt said and he kissed Benny, his mouth hard and hungry. "What about your friends?"

"I'll text them from the cab."

*******************

The first time Benny had been to Matt's apartment, he'd never made it into the bedroom. He stared at the enormous platform bed with the built-in nightstands, which was piled high with pillows and a fluffy comforter. Clearly Matt was prepared to make certain exceptions to his functional decoration rules.

"Wow."

"California King, baby," Matt grinned, spinning gracefully and jumping backwards onto the bed, his arms stretched out. The comforter billowed out as he landed and bounced slightly. He propped himself up on his elbows. "I had to pay the movers an arm and a leg to get this up here. You like?"

"Oh, yeah," Benny said. "A lot." He kicked off his shoes and climbed onto the bed, straddling Matt's body. "The sheets are nice, too."

"Mmm. People always make the mistake of buying dark colors, but I find light colors are much more practical."

"Calming and restful," Benny said with a straight face, as he began to unbutton Matt's shirt.

"Don't show certain stains quite as much."

"What about the thread count?" Benny asked. He pushed the shirt aside and bent down to lick and suck at Matt's collarbone. Then he followed a random meandering path along the lightly freckled skin to arrive at Matt's left nipple.

"Well, it's not only the count... oh, yeah... that counts... It... It's also... uh... the weave."

Benny bit the small nub lightly, then sucked some more. Meanwhile his fingers followed the center ridge of Matt's abdomen down to his belly button and he traced small circles around it.

"The weave?" he asked, then moved to Matt's other nipple.

"Yeah. Like... percale. Or... uh, fuck... flannel."

Benny turned his attention to unbuckling Matt's belt and unbuttoning the waistband. Matt raised his hips and Benny shoved all the clothing out of the way, then stripped and resumed his position straddling Matt. Matt's dick was already hard, and Benny spared it a long appreciative look, but he was more taken by Matt's face, by the color burning along his cheekbones and the excitement in his eyes.

"Any preferences as to fitted or flat bottom sheets?"

He licked down the same path his fingers had followed earlier, and dipped into Matt's belly button. The damp tip of Matt's swollen cock touched the hollow of his throat and he turned to nuzzle into it, breathing in Matt's smell, his own erection almost painful.

"Suck me," Matt demanded, obviously no longer interested in discussing the merits of sheets, and then, confusingly. "Come up here."

Benny briefly debated which of the two instructions to follow, but he was closer to Matt's dick, so he decided on the first. He licked the precum off the head, then took the hard shaft in his mouth, covering his teeth with his lips so that he could apply pressure on his way down, his tongue a hard point dragging along the underside.

"Oh, fuck!" Matt shouted, his hips arching off the bed. His voice was already starting to break a little, and Benny would have smiled if he could. He raised his head, his lips and tongue slack and wet, then drove down again with the same tight pressure as before, taking Matt a little deeper.

"Come up here," Matt repeated, curling up to push and pull at Benny's body, making it obvious that he wanted at Benny's cock. Benny twisted around and lay on his side, his hands guiding Matt's hips so that Matt rolled to face him. He didn't have as much range of motion as before, so he wrapped his arms around the back of Matt's thighs and applied more suction and saliva but less friction. Matt didn't seem to mind the change and was writhing against him, his hands restlessly caressing Benny's lower back, ass and thighs, his breath small gasps of hot air against Benny's belly and cock. Benny flexed his hips, trying to remind Matt of why they were lying head-to-crotch.

Matt started to tremble, and Benny loosened his hold to allow more movement. He palmed Matt's ass, the tips of his fingers tracing along the crack, both middle fingers pushing a little against Matt's hole.

"Ben," Matt moaned, pressing his face into the crease of Benny's hip, still lacking either the concentration or the motor skills to reciprocate the favor of a blow job. He went rigid, as if he couldn't decide whether to shove himself onto Benny's fingers or into his mouth.

"Come on, handsome," Benny mumbled around Matt's cock, and he doubted his words were intelligible, but Matt's hips snapped forward, once, twice, and on the third time he spurted into Benny's mouth. Benny stroked him, gentling him, and he felt the tense muscles relax as Matt's cock softened.

Matt rolled onto his back.

"I love your mouth," he sighed, sounding sleepy.

Benny propped himself up on an elbow, and lay his hand on Matt's hip.

"You're not falling asleep, are you?"

"I am rather tired, Benjamin," Matt said in a prissy voice, and flipped over onto his stomach.

Benny bent down to kiss the small of Matt's back and lick a wet trail right to the top of his crack. He blew on the wet spot softly, and smiled when Matt shivered and let out a small moan.

"Okay, you sleep then. I'll try not to bother you too much."

He sat back on his heels and looked around. One or the other of the nightstands had to contain lube and condoms.

"Left drawer," he heard Matt's voice, and his grin broadened.

After preparing them both, he lay on Matt's back, bracing his hands against Matt's shoulders. He hooked his ankles around Matt's and forced his legs apart. Matt's body was soft and pliant, and Benny pushed in slowly, breaking out in goose bumps at the pure bliss of sinking into that tight heat.

"God, Matt," he whispered into the skin between Matt's shoulder blades. Matt arched his head back and inhaled deeply, and Benny shifted his weight, so that he could grab a handful of Matt's hair and pull his head back further. "So fucking good." He rocked into Matt with a slow, even rhythm, drawing out his pleasure, concentrating on the feeling of Matt's body against his, on the small sounds Matt made as he started to fight a little against how Benny was holding him pinned down with his head arched back, on the muscles alternately squeezing and releasing his dick as he drove it deeper into Matt.

"Let me up," Matt moaned, fighting harder after a while. "Let me up, goddamn you."

Benny released his hair and shifted both hands onto the mattress and Matt bucked underneath him, shoving himself up onto his knees, his chest still on the bed, sobbing a little.

"Matt?" Benny whispered. "Are you okay?"

Matt pushed his ass back into Benny, his knees sliding wider apart. "Need more," he muttered. "Harder."

Benny curled his fingers around Matt's hips and slammed into him.

"Like that?"

"Yeah. Again."

Benny lost track of time; they might have been fucking for minutes or hours. His whole world was the shock that reverberated through his entire body every time every time he surged forward, the muted sound of their flesh slapping together, the heat spreading up his spine and along every single nerve, until his muscles locked.

"Oh, fuck," he groaned, making an ultimate effort to bury himself as deeply into Matt as he could, and then he started jerking, spilling his seed. He fell on Matt and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, holding on as his muscles contracted again and again. Afterwards, he rested his head on Matt's back, closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath.

When Matt flopped onto his side and stretched out, Benny rolled with him, one arm trapped under Matt's body. He used his free hand to push Matt's hair off his neck and he kissed the skin he'd uncovered, then lay quietly, his lips against Matt's nape. At some point Matt was going to move or kick him out, but until then Benny intended to stay put.

He woke up to sunlight, an empty bed and Matt cursing under his breath.

"What's wrong?" he asked drowsily.

"Forgot to set the alarm clock. I need to be at the hospital in 15 minutes."

Benny fought against the enveloping comforter in an effort to sit up. Matt was already in scrubs and sitting at the foot of the bed tying his shoelaces. He jumped up a second later and turned to look at Benny, at the same time unsuccessfully trying to finger comb his hair into some semblance of order. Benny couldn't help grinning.

"I'll see you Thursday, yeah?" Matt asked.

"Yes."

"Okay. Gotta run. Just pull the door shut behind you."

A second later Matt was gone. Feeling a little numb, Benny sank back into the bed. In a way, he was relieved that the morning after had been resolved so simply. But a kiss and a cuddle, maybe even a blowjob, would have been nice. And Thursday was too damn far away.

*******************

On Monday Matt forwarded Benny a 'Wizard of Id' strip about a turkey and they ended up exchanging IMs. On Wednesday they ran into each other at the entrance of Central Park, Benny having just finished his run and Matt on his way in, and stood talking for a quarter of an hour.

Thanksgiving Day Matt called Benny an hour before he was due to arrive.

"It doesn't look like I'm gonna make it, Benjamin."

"Okay," Benny responded evenly. He stood in the middle of his messy kitchen, phone cradled between his ear and his shoulder, polishing a glass. Then it sunk in that he didn't need to set the table any more, and he set the glass down carefully. "Why?"

"They brought in these kids half an hour ago. On their way back from a meet, the driver lost control of the bus when a tire blew. None of them were wearing seatbelts, and three of them sustained fairly serious injuries. We're prepping for surgery now. I doubt I'll be done here before midnight." Matt sighed. "I'm sorry I couldn't have let you know earlier."

"Don't worry about it. We can do this another time." It was a stupid thing to say, as if Thanksgiving was going to come along next week again, but Benny was still fighting with how disappointed he felt.

"Yeah. Look, I– Wait, hold on." Benny heard him telling someone to put something up so that he could look at it, then he was back. "I need to go. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. Take care." But Benny was pretty sure that Matt had already hung up.

The turkey still needed half an hour and, since he'd started, he might as well finish preparing the mashed potatoes. Before sitting down to dinner, he cleaned up the kitchen and poured himself a glass of wine.

Ever since he'd issued the invitation, he'd flipped back and forth on an almost hourly basis on how he would handle the situation once dinner was over. Especially after Saturday night, there was no doubt in his mind that he not only wanted Matt, he wanted Matt in his bed. The only problem he couldn't solve was what to do with Phil's photo. He couldn't imagine fucking Matt with Phil looking on – even though Phil would have enjoyed that type of thing when he was alive, would even have joined in – and when he'd tried removing the photo from the nightstand, he couldn't figure out where to put it, because its place was there, where it was the first thing Benny saw when he woke up. At some point, he'd tried laying the photo face down, but that was just asinine, and the kind of thing that would have made him laugh if he'd seen it in a movie. In the end, he'd left the photo in its place and stuck the lube and condoms under the couch. No need to worry about the where and how of fucking Matt anymore, at least not tonight; a blown tire had put paid to that.

After dinner, Benny stored the leftovers and polished off the rest of the bottle while re-watching 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' on TV. Once it was over, he figured it was late enough that he could legitimately go to bed without it being a sign that he was feeling depressed.

*******************

At first the buzzer was part of Benny's dream; once he realized it was real, he decided to ignore it, sure that Hector at the front desk had made a mistake. When the intercom buzzed a third time, he got up.

"Mr. Siegel, I'm sorry to bother you at one o'clock in the morning, but there's a Dr. Nolan here insisting to see you."

Hector, an old-fashioned gentleman with a strong sense of decorum and voice that was getting louder the closer he got to retirement, sounded both disapproving and concerned, and Benny couldn't resist.