No Other Life Than This

Matt didn't always smile, but his bad moods generally lasted less than a few hours, so Benny wasn't too concerned when Matt snapped at him for being a couple of minutes late for their meeting in front of the cinema, or when he later declared that the movie had been stupid, glaring at Benny, as if Benny had been the one to suggest it. Normally a bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries and onion rings at Jackson Hole were enough to set him right, but while he inhaled everything in the time it took Benny to eat half his Bronco Burger and then started stealing Benny's fries, he remained morose and uncommunicative.

"Is something wrong?" Benny asked finally, as he stood waiting for Matt to light his cigarette outside the restaurant. They could walk home together for four blocks, but after that the ways split, and Benny wasn't sure what would happen at that point, so he was fine with stalling.

Matt inhaled the smoke deeply and didn't meet Benny's eyes.

"No," he said shortly.

Matt sometimes liked being coaxed into things he really wanted to do in the first place: a third helping of ice-cream, a blowjob in the shower when he needed to be out the door in twenty minutes, telling Benny about a bad case at the hospital and then playing Wii Tennis with him. Benny didn't think this was one of those times; if it had been, Matt would have looked at him when he answered, would still be waiting for Benny to ask him again rather than already five steps away from him. Benny had to jog to catch up.

They reached the corner where their ways might diverge, and Matt hesitated, hunching into his jacket. He faced Benny, but his eyes were glued to a spot somewhere over Benny's left shoulder.

"I think I'm going to head on home, Benjamin. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow."

"Okay."

"I'll call you."

Benny nodded, fighting the urge to grab Matt and force him to tell him what was wrong.

"Matt--"

He never got a chance to finish his sentence. Matt leaned forward, kissed him hard on the mouth and then turned on his heel and headed down the block towards his apartment.

Matt didn't call Benny the next day, or the day after that. Benny sent him a jokey e-mail, but he didn't respond to it, nor to Benny's attempt to IM him. By the third day, Benny was pissed and by the fourth he was trying to convince himself that he was indifferent, and that he didn't care if he spent Christmas, only two days away, on his own, just like the past years.

*******************

"What are you doing for New Year's Eve?" Roger asked.

"Coming to your house just like every year. Aren't I?"

"Oh, sure. I'm having the usual shindig. Carrie tried to suggest something else, but resistance is futile. She will be assimilated."

"It's nice to see you working at the marriage and making all the necessary compromises. A real inspiration."

"Listen, bub, I'm making plenty of compromises." And he sounded deliriously happy to be doing so. "I was actually checking whether maybe you had other plans."

"No. Why?"

"Matt mentioned something about LA to Carrie."

Benny swallowed against something hard and cold that lodged itself in his throat. Matt had finally called him on Christmas Eve to tell him that he was covering for a colleague in the ER. No, he didn't know how many shifts, because the colleague had the flu, but he figured through Christmas at least, plus he had his own shifts. Yes, he was okay for dinner, one of the hospital benefactors had promised ham and all the trimmings to the staff working during Christmas. Yes, it was bad luck, but even doctors got sick. That was the last time they'd spoken.

"No, I'm here . You guys starting at the usual time?" he said evenly.

"Yeah, and plan on staying here overnight. We can have brunch together before you head back to the city."

They hung up. Benny sat on his couch and stared at the shopping bags in the entrance, gifts for Roger and Carrie, and one he still hadn't gotten around to dropping off for Liz. And one for Matt, a scarf in a grayish green that wouldn't clash quite as badly with his hair as the one he always wore. He tapped his foot nervously. He could always take the present over to Matt's apartment, pretend he hadn't noticed that something was wrong or that Matt was shutting him out. Sure, it was pathetic, but it seemed even more pathetic to just sit back and let Matt dictate the terms of whatever the hell was happening between them without even an explanation.

The wait was so long between saying his name into the intercom and Matt buzzing him in, that he'd seriously thought he was going to be left standing outside on the curb. He climbed the stairs, his feet like lead. Matt was standing outside his door, his arms crossed against his chest.

"Hey."

"Hey. I was on my way to dinner, and I thought I'd drop this off for you," Benny lied.

Matt licked his lips nervously and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He flicked a quick look back over his shoulder into the apartment.

"Thank you. Uh, would you like to come in?"

"Yes," Benny said deliberately. "Yes, I would."

Matt stepped to the side and let Benny through. Benny already knew what he was going to find, had known from the moment Matt had half-blocked the entrance to his apartment. He knew he didn't actually want or need to see the evidence, that it was only morbid curiosity driving him on.

The guy lounging on Matt's couch wasn't what Benny expected. He could have imagined Matt going for several different types -- gray-haired lawyer type included -- but not this James Dean wanna-be, with his greasy hair, sulky mouth and beat-up Harley boots.

"Benjamin, Oliver," Matt made the introductions.

Oliver's lip curled into a sneer, and Benny felt like punching him.

"Oliver is a friend from L.A."

"Oh, I'm more than a friend, baby." Oliver's voice was a surprise; Benny hadn't expected the English public school accent.

Matt cleared his throat. "That's right. Oliver and I were together until a year ago." He held his hands out helplessly, looking Benny straight in the eye for the first time since they'd gone to the movies ten days ago, a pleading expression on his face. "And now he's here."

"Partners. Since college," Oliver clarified and Matt's face hardened.

"And then you left me."

"A mistake, baby. An enormous mistake that I'm trying to fix. How many times do I have to apologize?"

Benny looked from Matt to Oliver and back; he heard the individual words, but he seemed unable to string them together into anything that actually made sense. Benny and Matt had never spoken in any detail about past relationships. Matt knew that Benny's partner had been killed crossing the street. Benny knew that Matt had had a long string of one night stands and casual relationships. Or he thought he'd known that. Thinking back, he realized that the only time Matt had referred to his past was when he'd mentioned that Carrie thought he was dating losers, that first day, so long ago. Only it hadn't been that long ago, Benny realized in surprise. It had been in September, and the two of them had only been together since Thanksgiving. Except maybe that was wrong too. Maybe they hadn't really been together, maybe it had all been in Benny's head.

"I need to go," Benny said. "I'm running late as it is. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas."

Benny's training as a lawyer had long taught him how to hide his feelings when he wanted to. In a court room, he only displayed emotion for the effect he thought it might have on the jury, and more often than not what he was showing wasn't really what he was feeling. Oliver seemed to notice nothing amiss, and he raised one hand in a lazy wave.

Matt knew though. He'd never read Benny wrong yet.

"I'll walk you down."

"There's no need."

Matt shrugged. "I have to check my mailbox, anyway." There was an almost frantic undercurrent to his voice, and Benny finally nodded.

"Ben, I..." Matt started, when they'd reached the bottom of the stairs, then he bit his lip.

"You could have told me. I would have understood. You didn't have to lie to me."

"He called me and I told him not to come, but he just showed up."

"It's okay," Benny soothed. "Really."

After all, what else could he say?

"It's not okay! He left me a year ago, and I was finally starting..." Matt squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. "I liked you, Ben. I like you. I thought we..." His voice broke again and he took another deep breath. "I have to try. We were together so long. A lifetime. I can't just walk away if he's really back. You can see that, can't you?"

Benny nodded. "Yes, I can see that," he said, his voice gentle. He realized he was still holding the bag with Matt's gift. "I guess you won't be needing this in LA, but just in case."

Matt accepted the small bag, though Benny had the impression that he wasn't really aware of having done so.

"I'm just going back for a couple of weeks' vacation. I'm not moving back there."

Benny looked at his watch, as if he really had someplace to be.

"I need to go. Take care, okay?"

Matt didn't answer, just stood there, his face pale and his mouth working. Benny paused, looking for something more to say, some wise last words that might make them both feel better, but he had nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

*******************

Benny met Christian at Roger's New Year's party, and the only reason he didn't go home with him that same night was because he didn't trust Christian or himself to drive. He met Brandon at his gym, and he met Kieran at The Monster. He broke his string of fucking men whose names ended in 'n' when he met Jack at an office function. Then there was somebody whose name he couldn't remember, but who loved rimming, and then Scott, who had the sucking power of an industrial vacuum cleaner. He didn't take them home and they didn't seem to expect it.

Matt hadn't told the truth about leaving for only two weeks. Benny learned through Roger -- although he'd been very careful not to ask -- that he'd moved back to Los Angeles by the end of January. Roger had had no idea about Oliver, and he'd been upset at Carrie for not having given anybody a heads-up.

In February, one of the managing partners assigned Benny a pro bono case he didn't want, but he supposed that, as the firm's token un-closeted partner, he was the obvious choice, even though he actually handled very little family law. Then again, there weren't that many precedents for this type of case, so his relative lack of experience probably didn't matter so much.

"All I got was visiting rights. If he moves to Tacoma, I'll never be able to see Jessie."

Benny looked at the man sitting opposite him and sighed. Gabriel had repeated a variation of the same phrase at least ten times during the last hour. That his ex-partner was moving cross-country for his job, and that he was taking their adopted son with him.

"I thought when we both adopted him that it would be okay. If something happened to Paul, I wouldn't also lose Jessie."

"Did you ask for joint custody?"

"Yes. But Paul fought it. He didn't want us to be tied together through Jessie." Gabriel shook his head. "When he first talked about adopting, I said no. I didn't know, you see, all I thought about was the inconvenience, and the expense. I had no idea... And then he used it against me. Claimed I was only suing out of revenge, not because I really want Jessie. And now he's moving."

"And you can't move, as well?"

"My mother is sick. We're just barely scraping by as it is. I can't leave her here alone, even assuming I could find a job in Washington."

Benny hesitated.

"It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate already. Maybe it would be better if--"

"No! I know what you're going to say, but I'm not going to just give up! I can't look at Jessie a few years from now, when he's old enough to understand, and tell him that I let him go without a fight. You need to help me, Mr. Siegel. Please, you need to help me!"

Benny tried. He tried as hard as he could, for two months, using every ploy he could think of, every precedent he could find, but it was no use: Gay couple, adopted child with no blood ties to either man, one with very little money, a precarious employment situation and an invalid mother that required a lot of care, the other able to prove that his financial circumstances would suffer if he didn't accept the transfer to Tacoma. At the end of the day, the child's welfare was also dependent on money, not only love, and in this economy Gabriel simply never stood a chance.

Benny took Gabriel to the airport to say goodbye to Jessie. He stood with his hands in his pockets next to Gabriel's ex, watching Gabriel with the little boy.

"It couldn't be helped," Paul muttered. "I know Gabe has demonized me, but it just couldn't be helped."

Benny looked at him indifferently. He wasn't about to try and soothe the man's guilty conscience. "You could have worked at it before it came to this. Love isn't all wine and roses and good times."

"Easy for you to say," Paul said resentfully. "You look like a player; when have you ever had to deal with any type of shit in your life?"

Benny just shook his head and moved a few steps away, waiting for Gabriel to finish cuddling with his son. Love was never enough in and of itself, that was the problem. Not between spouses, not between siblings, not between a father and a seven-year old little boy excited about his first trip on a plane. And certainly not between two men, who hadn't been given the time to figure out what they might be feeling for each other.

Driving home, Benny did the math and realized for the first time that Matt and he must have fallen in love with their respective partners within a couple of years of each other. In many respects, Matt had lost just as much, if not more, than Benny had, yet he'd been a hell of a lot stronger. At least Phil hadn't deserted Benny of his own free will, even though Benny sometimes wished that he had, if it could have meant that he'd still be alive somewhere. And although Benny had known that Phil could never come back, he'd still waited for him for seven years, while Matt had found the strength to go on with his life within a year. Benny was ashamed to think of how self-absorbed he'd been, how he'd forced drama after drama on Matt, never once stopping to think that Matt might be carrying some barely-healed wounds of his own.

For the first time, he considered chasing after Matt. He was almost positive Carrie would give him the address, if he asked for it. Maybe part of the reason for Matt's return to Oliver was that he didn't know how Benny felt about him, that Oliver wasn't the only person, who wanted him.

But as he crossed over the 59th Street Bridge into Manhattan, Benny resigned himself to the realization that he had no right to interfere or make things more difficult. At the end of the day, it wasn't about him or his feelings, but about Matt. The best and only thing he could offer Matt was to butt out, to let him work at being with the man, whom he'd loved all his life and who had come back to him.

*******************

Benny had stopped running the Reservoir loop, preferring the winding paths along the south side of Central Park. He told himself it was for the challenge of a slightly hillier and more difficult terrain, and that he'd grown bored with the same old loop day in and day out. But sometimes he just needed to see the water, especially on a sunny Saturday afternoon that felt more like June than April. He ran for close to an hour, circling the Reservoir over and over again.

He saw him just as he was leaving the loop to start on his way back home. Still in a zone, his first emotion was pleased recognition; then reality came crashing in. He slowed down to a walk, his feet dragging by the time he reached where Matt was standing waiting for him.

"I called you, but you didn't answer. I figured maybe I'd find you here."

Benny never carried a cell phone when he was running; the world could survive without him for half an hour.

"Visiting?" he asked. He'd just finally come to terms with Matt leaving a week ago. He wasn't so sure he could do this.

Matt shook his head.

"No. I'm back."

Benny looked down at his shoes. He needed new laces for his right one.

"And Oliver?"

"He stayed in Los Angeles."

Maybe he should simply buy new shoes. How long had he had these ones, anyway?

"Ben."

He looked up at the sound of his name. Matt looked the same as ever, bright messy hair in perennial need of a trim, eyes shading from light brown to dark green, freckles that Benny had loved to try and count. Lips that Benny had loved kissing.

"Landlords and employers must really love you," Benny said waspishly in a spurt of anger. "Always walking out on them."

Matt ducked his head.

"I kept the apartment here. And they were more than happy to have me back at the hospital."

"And in Los Angeles?" Like he gave a shit.

"I stayed with Oliver, and I didn't look for a job."

Benny was growing cold.

"I need to get home. I'm sorry it didn't work out. For Oliver and you, I mean."

"Things didn't work out so bad," Matt said, and there it was again, that slight hint of something in his voice, like when he'd said that he hadn't looked for a job.

Benny shivered and rubbed his arms in order to warm up; a minute ago he'd wanted to leave, but now he needed to stay, to hear whatever it was that Matt had come here to tell him.

"I shouldn't keep you standing here. Ben, can we have dinner together tonight? Maybe meet at Jackson Hole after you shower and change?"

"You can come home with me now, if you want," Benny said, his heart trying to beat itself out of his chest. Matt nodded, and fell into step next to Benny.

By the time they reached Benny's apartment, Benny was panting, like he'd run the last blocks at full speed. He stood in the elevator, staring at the floor numbers as they lit up in sequence, aware of Matt standing a couple of inches away from him. He inhaled through his nose, trying to calm down, and the citrus smell of Matt's aftershave filled his nostrils and he almost moaned out loud. This was crazy. Benny certainly didn't intend to fuck Matt five minutes after he'd returned to New York, without even knowing why he'd come back; he wasn't that desperate.

Only he was.

He wasn't sure who made the first move once he shut the apartment door. All he knew was that Matt was pressing him against the door, his mouth open and wet over Benny's, his hands burrowing under Benny's T-shirt to find his skin, his thigh against Benny's erection. Benny squirmed to get away from the door knob that was jabbing him right in the kidney, and Matt must have thought he was trying to get away, because he shoved harder, pushing his full weight into Benny, squeezing the breath out of him.

"Door knob," Benny finally managed to gasp, and thankfully Matt seemed to understand, because with his tongue in Matt's mouth and his groin riding Matt's leg, those two words were about all he could manage.

Matt pulled him away from the door and yanked his T-shirt off, then froze.

"Oh, Ben. God, I've missed this. I've missed you. So much."

"Then don't leave me again," Benny said unthinkingly. He swallowed hard as he processed what he'd just said, but he couldn't recant. It was what he wanted, even though he knew Matt was on the rebound, and that they wouldn't last for long. "Stay."

He waited for Matt to say something, anything, but Matt just stared at him, his eyes wide and full of... what? Hope?

"Can you do that?" Benny whispered, and Jesus, when had he started to tremble? "Stay?"

"Just like that? You don't want me to explain first? You don't need any time to think about it?"

Benny shook his head. "Not unless you do."