No Regrets

CHAPTER 3 -- Tommy's Story -- Another Chance

"Don't say that!" Ryan snapped, "You couldn't be in love, not that quick, besides it wouldn't work," he paused, "I think it's best that we don't see each other again."

Ryan had quickly turned from gentle to nasty, his tone more than anything hurt Tommy deep. Tears began to stream, "Why not?"

Ryan seemed to soften, "Look, I'm married," he explained.

Tommy suddenly felt so stupid as he noticed the ring on his finger, how could he overlook that?

"And I have a twelve month old son. I'll be going home to them when the war is over so it's best that you don't get attached to me," Ryan continued. "My son means everything to me and I would lose him if anyone ever found out about us," he paused, "that's why I can't see you again."

Tommy found himself feeling bitter again, how could something so wonderful turn out so sour. How could someone so loving suddenly turn so cold. He cleaned himself down and climbed off the bed, his anus still feeling stretched.

"I'd better go," he said picking up his clothes.

"Will you be Ok?" Ryan asked.

Tommy didn't answer, he knew he wouldn't be, he had just made love to another man and he was full of new emotions and fears. It was a lot for him to take. He dressed in silence, the air between them thick with tension.

"Wait," Ryan called after Tommy as he headed for the door. Tommy paused. "I just want you to know, I really like you, and.. I had the best time tonight but you know it's for the best. It could never work." It seemed to Tommy Ryan was trying to convince himself but ultimately it's not what Tommy wanted to hear. He was not sure what he wanted to hear but Ryan's words sounded so final.

Tommy walked out and didn't look back.

Outside it was late and dark, there was no one around and no moon to light his way. His mind was racing, he knew he was different, not like other boys. He loved kissing Ryan, he loved having him inside him. It was so obvious to him now.

I'm a homosexual.

Loneliness sweep over him and he felt a cold chill as the full realisation of what that meant hit home. All his life he'd heard people saying how perverted queers were and how they will burn in hell for their sins. Now he was one of them, it didn't feel bad, it didn't feel wrong, but he knew if anyone found out his life would be utter misery. Now he had this terrible secret that no one could know about, he wished he'd never met Ryan, wished he didn't know, wished he was still a virgin.

Tears filled his eyes, what had that man done to him? He'd condemned him to hell. The feeling of loneliness grew stronger. By the time Tommy had reached home he was sobbing. He looked up at the house that was once filled with love, not any more. His father seemed to resent him for a reason he couldn't figure out and he certainly resented his father.

Quickly he took stock of his life.

I've lost my mother, the only person who truly loved me. My father is bitter and doesn't give a fuck about me and to top it all I'm a fucking homosexual. My life is truly fucked up!

He didn't see any point in living. In that instant he decided to end his misery.

Swiftly he entered the house and made his way into the kitchen. Rummaging through the drawers he produced a large carving knife. As he positioned the knife at his stomach his tears rained down striking his hands. He could feel the tip pressing into his skin, creating a small amount of pain.

Just one push, that's all it needs, just the one.

Try as he might he couldn't do it, the muscles in his arms refused to cooperate.

"That's it, take the cowards way out!"

Startled, Tommy looked up and saw a dark figure in the corner of the kitchen.

"Go away!" Tommy blurted.

Tommy's father stood and took the knife from him, "You don't think I miss her too?"

Tommy collapsed on the floor and broke down, "I'm a freak, I don't deserve to live."

"Freak are you? Well welcome to planet earth, every fuckin' person out there is a freak. Anyway I ain't gonna let you top yourself, you're the only thing I have left of her." He bent down and helped Tommy to his feet.

Tommy was dazed by this, never before had his father shown any affection or care for him.

"Then why do you hate me?" Tommy blurted.

His father pulled him into a hug and Tommy broke down on his shoulder.

"I don't hate you. I'm just crap at showing my feelings," he paused, "I love you just as much as I loved your mother." The statement seemed to stick in his throat. "Look I don't know what happened to you tonight and I don't want to, thats your business but don't go topping yourself over something that's probably trivial. You'll only regret it when your dead."

Trivial is not how Tommy saw it but he was seeing a side of his father he never knew existed. He suddenly had new hope that maybe they could be friends after all. Maybe his father would understand his burden, he didn't think he could handle it alone.

"Dad..I.."

Tommy's father pushed him away, "Look at us," he scoffed, "people will think we're a couple of queers."

Perhaps not.

"Get to bed, you'll feel better after a good nights sleep, beside you have work in the morning."

Tommy headed upstairs but stopped halfway.

"Dad?"

"What?"

"Thanks."

"Fuck off."

Tommy smiled, he now knew that grumpy old man he called dad did actually care about him. Suddenly things didn't seem so bad .In his room he cleaned up the small cut to his stomach.

What was I thinking?

He shuddered at what might have happened if he had found the strength to push. Stripping off he checked his anus, it felt normal again. He moaned as he slipped a finger inside. How he loved Ryan's cock inside him.

Climbing into bed he pulling the covers tight around him and imagined Ryan was holding him tight. He placed the photo of his mother on the pillow, as he did every night. She would have understood, he knew he could have talked to her about it. His tears wet the pillow as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Ration day at the grocers was always bedlam. Hordes of women all vying for the best produce. Tommy raced to keep up with his boss wrapping the various vegetables and handing them to the needy women.

"You not got a girlfriend yet Tommy?" Mrs Jacobs asked knowing full well he didn't, "We'll have to fix you up with our Doris," she winked.

Tommy blushed as he always did. Doris was Mrs Jacobs daughter and very pretty too, but he felt like telling her what Doris got up to late at night with the GI's. But he decided against it.

"I think your Doris has eye's on one of the GI's" Mr Rogers, Tommy's boss said.

"Over my dead body," Mrs Jacobs scoffed.

Tommy was seeing men in a different light now, wondering, what if? He would mentally undress them, imagine them naked, making love to him. When he looked at Mr Rogers and imagined him naked he shuddered. Mr Rogers is a nice man, very kind and always treated Tommy very well but his stocky build with a large beer belly and thick bushy beard did nothing for Tommy. Ryan had been the man for him.

For the past three days Tommy had seen the GI's all around the village but never once had he seen Ryan. Every time he saw a uniform he got flustered and aroused. None of them seem to notice him, they were only occupied by the local girls and trying their best to date them. A topic that was very much ongoing in the grocers amongst the women.

Tommy didn't notice the GI standing at the window until he had to get some cabbages from the display. At first all he saw was the uniform. His heart began to race as he froze. He didn't want to look up, he felt petrified, but look up he did and saw Ryan staring back at him.

"He's a handsome one," a woman said, "not seen him around before."

"Watch out Tommy I think he likes your cucumber," another said causing an outburst of laughter in the store.

Tommy blushed so hard he felt faint, it was as though everyone knew what they had done together. Ryan signalled to him to meet round back, then walked off.

Tommy finished serving one of the women then turned to Mr Rogers, "Er could I take a break?" he asked.

"What? Now?" Mr Rogers said looking at all the customers.

"I won't be long, promise."

"Oh Ok, but hurry back, I don't trust being on my own with all these women." he joked.

"Oh, you should be so lucky," one of the women replied, "It's Tommy who should be worried."

The shop burst into laughter once more as Tommy ran out back blushing again. He saw Ryan standing by the back door and before he could do anything Ryan had pulled him close, kissing him deeply. Tommy struggled free.

"W-W-What were you doing?" he panted getting his breath back. "someone might see."

"I had to see you again, I couldn't stop thinking about you."

Tommy was taken back by this, he was confused. Anger overcame him but he bit his tongue, he wanted to see where this was going."

"Meet me tonight, behind the Village hall, around 10."

Before Tommy could get a word out Ryan was gone, leaving him shaking in the doorway. He was still annoyed but excited too, that kiss sent his head in a spin, his heart racing. He tried to calm himself down as he made his way back into the shop to resume serving, but he was preoccupied with the encounter and was making mistakes.

Mr Rogers put his hand on Tommy's shoulder, "Go and sort out that new delivery, I can manage here."

Tommy was grateful for the break.

* * *

Tommy had no intention of meeting Ryan, he tried to come up with every reason why he shouldn't go.

He'll just hurt you, It's illegal, you could go to prison, you won't see him again when the war is over,

but despite this he still found himself outside the village hall.

He waited fifteen minutes alone with his thoughts,

He's late, he's stood you up, this is crazy!

He was just about to leave when Ryan appeared. He wasn't wearing the full dress uniform he wore several nights ago, just his standard issue. He immediately swooped Tommy into his arms and kissed him passionately. Tommy was powerless to resist and just melted into him, all the wonderful feelings came flooding back.

When they stopped Ryan took his hand, "Come on, I got something to show you."

"No wait!" Tommy said pulling back bewildered by the sudden enthusiasm, "I don't understand, you said you didn't want to see me again."

Ryan sighed, "I know," he paused, "I was feeling confused, scared, I'd never done anything like that before, I really thought it would be for the best. But after you left I couldn't get you out of my mind, I've never felt like this about anyone."

"Felt like what?"

He took a deep breath and cradled Tommy's face with his large calloused hands, "I think I'm falling for you."

Tommy's eyes fill with tears, he wanted to trust Ryan but he was scared to, "You're just saying that," he said.

Ryan felt his stomach churn, he placed his hand on Tommy's shoulder, "I really hurt you didn't I?"

Tears fell freely now as Tommy sobbed, "yes you fucking hurt me! I was fine till you seduced me, now I have this awful secret I have to carry around with me that I never wanted. I don't want to be queer!"

"Neither do I, more than anything I want to be like all the other jocks out there that screw around with women, hell I've done my share. But none of them felt right, I knew something was missing and making love to you felt more right than all of them put together." He paused, it seemed like he was struggling to find the words. "Look, if something feels that right, then perhaps it's meant to be, perhaps we were born to love men, perhaps it's the whole fucking world that has it wrong. If I could take back what happened I would, but it made me realise what it is I need, and that's you, and if it's wrong then so be it, I would rather be wrong than right. "

Ryan's words cut deep and Tommy sensed he was being genuine. Ryan pulled his hand away.

"I'm sorry," he said looking at the ground in shame, "I never meant to hurt you, I can see you're still hurting, it's best I go."

Ryan turned and started to walk away. For all the guilt and shame Tommy felt now, it didn't compare to the fear of not seeing Ryan again, "No, wait," he said, "I don't want to be alone."

Tommy flung himself at Ryan and was welcomed with open arms. He sobbed into his neck. Only the sound of nearby footsteps caused them to break their embrace.

"We have to be careful," Ryan whispered, "We need to find somewhere more private."

"Where could we go?" Tommy asked wiping his eyes.

"That's what I was going to show you," He took Tommy's hand again," come on."

Around the front of the Village hall was an army jeep, "Get in," Ryan said.

"Where did you get this?"

"I borrowed it from ordinance, got to get it back in a couple of hours though."

Soon they were speeding through the country lanes and Tommy quickly cheered up, thrilled to be riding in a vehicle, his second time only. The wind rushed through his hair as they sped down the narrow streets.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"You'll see."

After a couple of miles Ryan turned up a dirt track, half a mile further on they came across an abandoned cottage.

"This was the old Millers place, I forgot it was here," Tommy said.

"We discovered it yesterday on a training exercise," Ryan explained as he pulled a ruck sack from the back of the Jeep.

They headed inside and up the stairs. In the main bedroom was a solitary bed, the mattress looked a little stained but ok to use. Ryan took out some blankets from the sack and covered the bed.

"Viol-la!"

Tommy giggled and climbed onto the bed immediately followed by Ryan who produced a bottle of Bourbon.

"Something to relax us a little," he said taking a swig.

Tommy took the bottle and did the same except he gingerly sipped at it, not wanting a repeat of the other night. This time he found he liked the taste and sipped some more. Ryan placed his hand on Tommy's leg and gently stroked. Tommy emitted a soft moan.

Ryan leaned in and tenderly kissed Tommy's moist lips, "You really are beautiful."

Tommy was not certain about the word beautiful, it's something normally reserved for describing women, something feminine, he didn't consider himself feminine at all. He did however like the way Ryan said it, it made him feel sexual, wanted, admired and most of all it gave him a killer erection.

As Ryan began to unbutton Tommy's shirt he had that look again. Even if Tommy wanted to he knew he wouldn't be able to resist. Soon his smooth slim chest was bare, his nipples pert and erect and his skin covered in goosebumps. Still holding the bottle of bourbon he lay back as Ryan covered his torso with soft butterfly kisses, Tommy groaned in delight.

They spent the next hour touching, kissing, stroking but taking things much slower. Ryan introduced Tommy to the art of fellatio. When Ryan had swallowed his manhood Tommy's eyes widened, shocked that someone would put a penis in their mouth, but the sensation was indescribable. Of course he was only too willing to reciprocate, a little awkwardly at first but he was a quick learner.

Their love making ended with Ryan kneeling and Tommy's back against him. Ryan was deep inside the boy as he caressed and teased Tommy's nipples and nibbled his ear. Tommy experienced another earth shattering handsfree orgasm as Ryan slipped deep in his bowels massaging his prostate. It didn't take long for Ryan to ejaculate shortly after.

Exhausted they lay in the darkness, the only light coming from the moon through the window. Tommy's skin seemed almost luminescent, Ryan stroked it gently drinking in the boy's beauty. He was the first to speak.

"We can't see each other..."

Tommy sat up like a bolt, "NO! Don't do this to me again!" His eyes quickly filled with tears, panic showed on his face.

"Woah! Hold on there, you didn't let me finish," Ryan said grabbing Tommy and holding him close.

"I was going to say that we can't see each other for a while because I'm being shipped to France tomorrow."

Tommy froze, suddenly he was faced with a new fear.

"Don't get killed," he said burying his face into Ryan's chest.

"I promise I'll be careful."

"Ryan, I really do love you," Tommy said stifling a sniffle.

Ryan lifted Tommy's face up to his own, "and I love you too."

As they kissed a siren sounded in the distance, "Fuck an air raid!" Ryan shouted scrambling for his clothes.

Tommy and Ryan quickly dressed and rushed to the jeep, "I'll drop you in the village," Ryan said as they sped down the dirt track. In the distance the sky lit up from search lights and the heavy drone of bombers could be heard over the sound of flak exploding above them.

Once in the village Tommy jumped out, "I'll be gone for a month, I'll see you when I come back, same place behind the village hall!" Ryan shouted as the jeep drove away.

Tommy ran for home, he wasn't too worried about the bombs falling on his village, he knew that wasn't their target, they just passed over on their way to London. It was in London that his mother had been killed, visiting her sister, both had perished. Tommy had a deep hatred for the Germans for taking his mother away, he wished he could fight alongside Ryan, get his revenge but mostly to be with the man he loved.